No Idea

Janie woke up the next morning praying it was all a nightmare but the empty void was a reminder that the hell she was living in was indeed her new reality. With a deep sigh she pushed the heavy blankets from her body and swung her legs to the side of the bed before proceeding to get up. She sluggishly walked to the kitchen, stopping to turn the aged stereo on to rid the heavy silence of the old house. A cynical chuckle passed through her lips when the beginning of Delta Goodrem’s “Can’t Break It to My Heart” began playing through the speakers.

If it's ok I'll leave the bedlight on
And place your water glass where it belongs
And if it's alright
I'll lie awake at night
Pretending I am curled up at your side

Janie picked up her flashing phone from the counter. 5 missed calls. She quickly scrolled through each one, Rian, Rian, Jack, Aunt Jude and finally the last one made Janie stomach drop along with her phone. Alex. Janie rubbed her temples with her eyes closed tight as a heavy sigh was pushed out from deep inside of her chest. She ran a hand through her disheveled hair, picking up the phone she ignored all of the other calls and quickly called her Aunt Jude back.

“JANIE! Honey, hey” Janie’s aunt Jude answered after several rings.

“Hey Aunt Jude, I saw you called” Janie said trying her best to sound just as cheery as the older woman but failed miserably.

“Oh yes, I was just calling to see if you were in town yet? Your mother never specified when you’d be back but your uncle Mike is taking me out for our anniversary tonight and I didn’t know if I needed to get little Adelia a babysitter or not..” Jude rambled on with her thick country accent breaking through making Janie smile; she could always count on her aunt Jude to never change.

“Actually I just got back last night so I can drive down there and pick her up; just give me like an hour to get there.” Janie suggested.

“Okay baby girl see you then. Drive safe. Love you” Jude said, not giving Janie the chance to respond before hanging up.

Janie gazed aimlessly out the kitchen window her eyes scanned the open pastures and the long gravel driveway before the sight of several stacked boxes piled along the fence caught her eyes. Curiously she ran outside, wrapping her arms around her frame as a shield against the harsh Decemeber winds. As she neared the boxes she finally saw the words CHRISTMAS written out in block letters with a thick sharpie. Janie knelt down gathering the boxes in her arms and carefully maneuvered her way up the front porch and into the warmth of the house. She sat the boxes down in the den and pulled a chair up next to them as she started opening them and pulling out various Christmas decorations but quickly stopped herself when the emptiness in her heart grew. It just didn’t feel the same; it didn’t feel right to do it alone.

Was it in my head
Reading into things you never said
Cause I still don't have the answers
To why we couldn't work it out
I want to think it's something that I did
So I can turn it back around.

The tears clouded Janie’s vision as she shakily stood up suddenly remembering that she was supposed to have already left the house to pick up Adelia. She roughly wiped at her face angry that the tears had made an appearance but that didn’t make them go away. Janie slid her shoes on and cursed when she couldn’t find her keys. Angrily, she turned the stereo off cursing at that as well until she found her keys lying innocently beside it on the table.

“Oh….” Janie muttered grabbing they keys to her dads old ford truck and of course when she turned the key in the ignition the same song had come on a different station, picking up just where she had left it. The engine exhaust sputtered a bit before backfiring and the engine revved to life. Janie put it in reverse, maneuvering it so she could face the road before putting it in drive.

But if I still believe you love me
Maybe I'll survive
So I tell myself you're coming home
Like you've done a million times
And if it’s alright I'll still love you

After two and a half hours of driving, one and a half which Janie had spent being lost because it had been so long since she had driven along the old North Carolina country back roads; she finally pulled into the drive way of the old trailer which her Aunt Jude and Uncle Mike had lived in since they got married.

Janie slammed the truck door and walked up to the old trailer, she stood in front of the door, afraid that knocking on it would result in the house collapsing. At least that’s what she told herself but deep inside it was just because she knew her Aunt was going to ask how things with Alex are and more importantly she knew her daughter would run up to her, throw her stubby arms around her neck, kiss her cheek, smile, laugh and then ask where her daddy was and Janie wasn’t ready to answer that question yet. She wasn’t ready to explain to her daughter that her daddy might not be around anymore, or that she will only get to see him sometimes, or that when she starts school she will only see him during holidays and summer vacation. Janie wasn’t ready for any of that yet, and she didn’t feel like she ever would be ready for that. She would never be ready to let Alex go, to stop loving him it would be impossible.

Notes