No Idea

It had been a month since Janie went back to North Carolina, and Alex was finally getting checked out of the hospital. Only he was completely unaware that Janie was 430 odd miles away from where he thought she was. No one told Alex that when Janie went home, it wasn’t to their “home” but rather back to her home town. Needless to say he was unpleasantly surprised when Zack wheeled him into a cold empty house.

Alex carefully craned his head to look up at his friend “W-where’s she at?” Alex questioned. Zack dug into his pocket pulling out the letter that Janie had instructed he give to Alex on the day that he took her to the airport.

“Janie wanted me to make sure you got this” Zack said, ignoring Alex’s previous question and curious gaze. Zack awkwardly ran a hand through his curly hair and cleared his throat as Alex unfolded the worn paper, his eyebrows scrunched in concentration and confusion.

Alex-

I love you. Walking away was the biggest mistake I have ever made and I will regret it for the rest of my life. But Alexander William Gaskarth if I could take it back I would in a heartbeat. I need you, and I miss you.

Love you forever and always,

Janie

Alex had forgotten that Zack was even there as he let the salty tears cascade down his face. His shoulders shook violently and loud sobs ripped through his body. The vulnerability that Alex was showing frightened Zack, he had never seen his friend this torn up about anything and watching it was breaking Zack’s heart.

“Alex…” Zack whispered reaching out towards him though being cautious of his broken state.Alex looked up, his eyes big, sad, and filled with tears that were ready to wash away the dam that was holding them back.

“W-where is s-she” Alex stuttered in uneven breaths.

Zack looked away from Alex’s sad eyes. “She went home, she said she’s going to stay there, get a job and a house and raise Adelia there”

The dam broke and the water spilling was enough to drown the state of Texas “Y-you k-knew?!” Alex whispered but the disappointment and hurt in his voice was enough to make Zack regret keeping it a secret. Zack opened his mouth to speak, to try and make it better but before he could speak Alex’s voice once again filled the tense atmosphere.

“I thought you were my friend. I-I can’t even look at you right now. H-how could you keep that from me?” Alex yelled, staring Zack straight in the eyes.

“Alex, you are my frind. Please you have to understand-“

“No, Zack I don’t understand at all” Alex spat.

“Alex please” Zack begged

“I think you should just go” Alex whispered not bothering to even look at Zack as he let out a heavy sigh and left Alex alone.

Alex rubbed his temples and sighed before pulling his phone from his pocket. Scrolling through his contacts he finally landed on “love of my life,” his finger hovered over the call button as he hesitantly pressed down and pulled the phone to his ear.

Ring. Ring. Ring.

Alex held his breath.

“Hello?” the familiar voice chimed through the receiver but Alex couldn’t find his own voice to answer.

“…Hel-looo?” The kind hearted voice called out playfully, bringing a new set of tears to Alex’s eyes.

“….Janie…” Alex finally breathed out.

“Pat! Quit it!” Janie giggled and Alex’s heart slowly began to chip away.

“I’m sorry, is anyone there? Okay look I’ll give ya five seconds to say something or I’m hanging up” Janie said. Alex was always amazed how she could sound so polite even when her fiery attitude got the best of her.

“J-Janie” Alex spoke up this time, the other side stayed silent for a good minute.

“Janie?” Alex tried again.

“A-Alex?” Janie asked her voice barely above a whisper.

“yeah it’s me”

“Alex…I-I can’t...I’ve gotta go” Janie quickly breathed out and soon only the dial tone was heard through the
speaker.

Alex threw his phone across the room in frustration and anger. He didn’t know what he was expecting when he called Janie, but that definitely was not it. His jaw clenched in anger but it wasn't long before his bottom lip began to quiver and he found himself back at square one, hating himself for letting this happen, and hating Janie for moving on.

“Alex…I-I can’t…I gotta go” Janie breathed out quickly as she heard her dad go into another coughing spell. As she hung up the phone she ran over to her father whom had a handkerchief pressed to his mouth. She ran a calming hand across his back while whispering “breathe daddy, come on just breathe.” The tears gathered in her eyes when she saw the bloody spots staining the material.

“I’ll get you a glass of water and the medicine” Janie suggested once her father stopped coughing.

Standing at the sink with a glass she wiped the unshed tears away and filled the glass with cool tap water
before setting the glass on the counter to grab the pills. Tapping the container against her hand she counted out two of the yellow colored pills and screwed the cap back on. Taking a much needed deep breath Janie grabbed the glass and quickly walked to the den to console her father.

“Here ya go. Take these” Janie handed the pills to her dad and then the glass and watched as he took the medication.

“Janie bug I’ve been meaning to have a conversation with you, can you sit down?” Ray asked his daughter who quickly nodded her head and sat on the couch in front of him. The whimpering dog ran over to Janie, nuzzling his head into her hands and begging for attention.

“Not now Pat” Janie pushed the husky away and looked over at her dad expectantly.

“Janie… I-I honey…I’m d-dying.”

“Don’t say that, y-you’re not dying” Janie immediately responded without a second thought, the words involuntarily rushed from her lips. But the sad smile on her dad’s face confirmed that yes, he was indeed dying and there wasn’t a thing neither she nor anyone else could do about it.

“Baby, I know it’s hard for you to hear this and I’m so sorry that you have to. The doctors-“Ray paused to pull himself together, he didn’t want to break down in front of Janie when he already knew how broken up she was to begin with. With one deep but noticeable shaky breath he continued while he still could.

“The doctors…they say I only have a few months left if im lucky…-“

“S-stop it. D-don’t say that. Don’t you dare say that!” Janie yelled through her sobs making Pat whimper.

“Janie…”

“D-daddy please…” Janie begged, the flood gates unleashed as the tears running down her face matched the black rolling clouds that were quickly approaching outside.

“I’m so sorry baby girl, its spread too far; too rapidly there is nothing we can do about it now.” Ray reasoned before his body grew tired from too much commotion. Janie immediately noticed her father trying to stand up and was quick to be by his side and help him to his room and into bed.

“Night daddy. I love you” Janie kissed his forehead and closed the door with Pat by her side.

“Come on boy time to put Adelia to bed too” Janie called out to the dog as she walked into the make shift play room where Adelia was coloring.

“Hey baby” Janie stood in the door way.

“Mommy!” Adelia exclaimed picking up her picture; Janie walked over and knelt down beside of her.

“Whatcha got there?” She asked

“It’s me and you and daddy and puppy” Adelia explained, pointing to each circle-ish figure as she called out who it was.

“Good job honey. I love it. How about we put it up on the fridge then get you ready for bed?” Janie asked

Adelia nodded her head and ran to the kitchen with Janie following behind her.

“Right here okay?” Janie asked as she secured the picture with the bright blue magnets.

“mhmmm”

“Okay im going to grab your tooth brush do you think you can get dressed by yourself in your pj’s"

“ Yes Mommy! I’m a big girl!” Adelia insisted

“Okay big girl go get your pjs on”

Janie grabbed her cell phone from the kitchen floor where she had dropped it and made her way to the
bathroom. She put the tooth paste on the small tooth brush and pulled the stool from under the sink so Adelia could be a “big girl” and brush her own teeth.

“Ready?” Janie asked as Adelia walked into the bathroom with her night shirt on backwards and inside out.

“Yep” Adelia climbed onto the stool and began brushing her small teeth. White bubbly suds from the paste dripped from her mouth and Janie smiled. It was the moments like that, that ultimately Janie loved the most because it reminded her that while Adelia may be growing up she still needs her help for at least a little while. She reached up with a towel and wiped Adelia’s mouth after she spit into the sink.

“Okay, bedtime now” Janie said, pulling tucking Adelia into bed. She turned the night light on and turned the light off as she prepared to shut the door but was stopped by the squeaky little voice coming from inside the room. “Mommy, I love you”

Janie smiled, “I love you too sweet heart. Have good dreams baby” Janie replied and shut the door.

Walking into her own room Janie sat on the end of the bed with the phone in her hands, that familiar name lit up on the screen as her finger hovered over the worn out green button.

Finally after a full minute of contemplation Janie pressed the button and shakily lifted the phone to her ear. Ringing, she listened as the phone rang six times before proceeding to voicemail. It was in the middle of the voice message when suddenly a groggy sounding Alex said hello.

“Alex?” Janie asked quietly considering everyone else in the house was soundly asleep. Well with the exception of her mom whom had left a day earlier to take care of business.

The other side of the phone stayed silent. “Alex?” Janie asked again, louder this time to make sure he could actually hear her.

“Janie…” Alex finally said, his voice portraying obvious pain.

“…yeah… ummm I-I should just go. S-sorry for waking you.” The words rushed from Janie’s mouth as she readied herself to hang up the phone.

“Wait! Janie wait!” Alex called out before right before she hung up. Hesitantly she brought the phone back up to her ear, she didn’t say a word but Alex could hear her breathing through the phone.

“Janie, you didn’t call me for no reason, what’s wrong?” Alex finally asked and the gates holding Janie’s gathered tears in had finally opened.

“N-Alex…My d-dad he….” Janie’s lips began to quiver and the sob in her throat began to hurt as she tried to push it back down.

“Breathe Jay baby. Just breathe and tell me what’s happening with your dad” Alex cooed. Janie was amazed of how calming Alex’s voice was. She took a deep breathed and blinked the tears from her eyes while Alex stayed silent waiting for her to speak instead.

“He’s dying” She finally whispered, knowing that if she spoke and louder her voice would be shaky and it would give out.

“….What do you mean?” Alex asked stupidly.

Janie cleared her throat trying to find the strength inside of herself to hold it all together long enough to tell him what was happening “C-cancer, he collapsed and they found that the cancer metastasized. T-they can’t stop it a-and there’s nothing we can do. He’s dying Alex … I’m scared and I-I’m alone. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Janie, I-I’m so sorry.”

“I miss you” Janie admitted.

“I thought you had Pat to keep you company” Alex said bitterly.

“Pat…”

“yeah, you were giggling his name when I called earlier” Alex cleared up her confusion.

“pat,” Janie paused “Is a dog” she explained.

“A dog?”

“Mhmm D-daddy got it for Adelia…for Christmas”

“I missed Christmas” He said bluntly but Janie could hear the hurt that he was trying his best to mask.

“I know…”

“Why did you leave Janie?” Alex finally asked the question he had been holding in.

“Because you didn’t want me anymore” Janie whispered.

“That’s not true. I could never stop wanting you”

“Alex, do you not remember the conversation we had in the hospital before I left?” Janie asked, not meaning to come off with an attitude but she wouldn’t accept sole responsibility for their position.

“I was high on medicinal drugs, and I was confused and hurt and angry Jay. But I still want you and everything I have with you. I want my family back, my life back. I still need you and I always will. Damn it I love you Janie. I love you” Alex confessed leaving him at an extreme point of vulnerability, leaving him with the option of being broken beyond repair if Janie shot him down in his moment of weakness.

“Alex…” She breathed out. Janie sat shell-shocked from Alex's confession. She loved him too, without a doubt but she suddenly couldn’t find her voice to say anything. To be honest she was a little scared to admit to Alex that she loves him, she was still weak and vulnerable and even though she loves Alex she didn't want to be hurt again. But deep inside she knew that Alex needed to hear the words just as much as she felt that she needed to say them.

“Please Janie” Alex begged, needing to hear Janie say those words to him.

“I love you too, forever and always. I never stopped.” She admitted.

“Come home” Alex bluntly said.

More tears spilled from her eyes, running like a waterfall down her face. She shook her head, oblivious to the fact that Alex couldn’t actually see her doing this action.

“I can’t” she cried

“Janie” Alex begged making it even harder for Janie to turn him down.

“I’m sorry Alex. B-but I can’t just leave him. He needs me”

“I need you too” Alex reasoned.

“He only has a few months left, I can’t leave him. If you love me Alex… if you love me the way you say then you’d understand” Janie intentionally played the “if-you-love-me” card knowing that it would get Alex to back down.

Alex sighed heavily “What if you find someone else? Huh? What if you stop loving me?”

“Impossible. You stole my heart a long time ago Alex. I can’t give it to anyone else cause I never got it back, so how then could I ever give it to someone else?” Janie mused.

“Promise?” Alex asked vulnerably.

“promise” Janie yawned.

“You should go to sleep, it’s late”

“I love you Lex, forever and always” She whispered as she crawled under the covers, and snuggled into the
pillows.

“I love you Janie, so much” Alex replied full heartedly making Janie smile, a real genuine smile.

“Good night Jay bear”

“Alex…will you sing to me…please?” Janie asked shyly almost as if she were afraid he would reject her.

“For you, anything”

He cleared his throat and Janie pressed the phone closer to her ear as Alex’s melodic voice filled the receiver.

If these sheets were the states, and you were miles away,
I'd fold them end over end to bring you closer to me.
Because I don't sleep at all without you pressed up against me.
I settle for long distance calls, I'm lost in empty pillow talk again.

Alex continued to sing even after he heard Janie’s breathing even out as she fell asleep. He listened to her breathe for a good ten minutes being able to bring himself to hang the phone up, and while it certainly wasn’t much the fact that she reached out to him was enough to convince him that he still had a fighting chance.

Notes