Chapter 4

Alex’s POV

Jack and I lay on my car for a long time, up until it was pretty dark outside. I was just about to get off my car and tell Jack to go home and sleep when my phone buzzed. From Tom. I dared to open the text.

Alex, we need you home right this fucking minute. Your things are packed and you’re leaving for rehab tomorrow. There’s something very wrong with you mentally and emotionally and you need a LOT of help. Get home, you little fuck up.

My eyes filled with tears. I had taken off my sunglasses a while ago, so Jack could easily see the tear run down my cheek. I was so fucking sick of crying. I felt Jack snatch my phone from my hand and read the text, then look at previous ones Tom had sent me.

Jack’s free hand reached over and brushed my hair out of my wet eyes as another tear fell. “You didn’t tell me it was this bad.” He whispered. I just nodded.

“It is.” I whispered back, my voice cracking.

“But I thought your brother loved you and supported you on everything.”

“I thought so too. People are misleading, though.”

“What can I do to help you through this? I want to help you!”

“Let me die, Jack. Just let me die. That’s what I want.” I sighed and closed my eyes again.

~~~
Jack’s POV

“Let me die, Jack. Just let me die. That’s what I want.” Alex sighed and closed his eyes.

I couldn’t help myself. I moved so I was hovering above him and kissed him desperately. I could feel his eyes fly open, then close again and kiss me back, his arms going around my neck. My tongue tasted the seam of his lips and his mouth opened, allowing me dominance as I explored the hot cavern. His tongue licked back against mine and I bit his lip, then removed my tongue and went back to closed mouth. He kissed back harder and needier, like he need more, more of me. I happily accepted when his hands ran underneath my shirt, telling me he wanted it off.

“Jack!” Alex yelled, nudging me hard. I jumped awake.

“Woah, fuck!” I said aloud.

“What the fuck were you dreaming about?”

“Wait, was you telling me to let you die part of the dream or not?”

“No.”

“Okay, then it doesn’t matter.” I said. Did I really just have a hot make-out dream about Alex? Embarrassing.

“Sure?”

“I’m sure. Can I please help you?”

“I don’t need help, Jack. I need death.” He sighed.

I called Matt. “Hey Matt, I’m not coming home tonight.”

“Did you find some bitch to fuck?” He said. My god, the volume on my phone was turned up as loud as the music in a club. Alex laughed, making me sure he heard.

“No!”

“I know when you’re lying, Barakitten.”

“Oh my god, Matt, I didn’t find a bitch to fuck.”

“Did you find a dude to fuck?”

“Matt! I’m not fucking gay! Give it up!” I exclaimed while Alex laughed away next to me.

“From the laughter in the background, I’m finding that hard to believe.”

“For fucks sake, it’s a student in the background!”

“Alex?”

“Yeah.”

“Ohhh, so you’re taking risks and fucking your student instead.”

“MATT!” I yelled as Alex laughed even harder.

“What? You know you want to.”

“Oh my god...”

“What?”

“You are so embarrassing! He can hear everything you’re saying!”

“Seriously? Alright, HI ALEX! JACK WANTS TO FUCK YOU!” Matt yelled into the phone, making me groan in embarrassment and Alex laugh so hard he cried.

“H-Hi M-Matt!” He choked out through giggles.

“Matt, I’m hanging up now, so I’m not coming home tonight.” I said, frustrated.

“Bye! Enjoy fucking!” He said and hung up.

“I am so sorry for him.” I apologized to a wheezing Alex. He couldn’t even answer he was laughing so hard.

“I-It’s f-fine, h-he’s h-hilarious!” He laughed.

“He’s embarrassing!” I groaned. Alex’s giggling slowed to the point where he could talk normally.

“He’s so fucking funny!”

“He is not!”

“If he could make me laugh, he’s a fucking five star comedian.”

I shrugged. Alex had a point. “I guess so, but my god, he is set on believing I’m gay! That doesn’t mean I go around and fuck my male students!”

“Well, you did kiss me back...” Alex trailed off, suggesting I was gay.

“Oh, fuck you. You kissed me first.”

“That I did.”

“Why?”

“Impulse.”

“Hm.” I knew there was more behind it, but I didn’t push it.

We lay there and talked for hours. About music, life, siblings, everything but cutting or death. Although I knew I gave Alex some pretty good reasons on why he should stay alive. Of course, he rejected them, but it was worth a shot. I got him to laugh a few times and decided his laugh was definitely something I could get used to.

“How long has it been since you’ve been home?” I asked, turning my head to look at him.

“A few days.”

“What have you done for food?”

“I have my ways.”

“Like what?”

“I brought money with me, so I usually just get something from the coffee shop down the street.” He shrugged. “It works.”

“What about clean clothes?”

“Laundromat.”

“And what will happen when you run out of money?”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

I sighed. I felt bad for the boy, living on his own in his car or at a friends house.

“Why do you care so much about me?” He asked suddenly. I was taken off guard.

“Um... I don’t really know. You’re special to me. I worry about you and I’m constantly wondering what you’re doing when you aren’t with me or in school. Whether you’re hurting yourself or not. I wish I could watch you every second of the day to make sure you don’t do that, but I can’t. It scares me when I see you walk in my class with even more cuts on your wrist. I always think about whether there’s more under your shirt, on your hip or thigh. Every day, I’m worrying, ‘What if he goes too far this time? What if he kills himself?’. It’s a constant struggle for me to stay focused in my other classes enough to teach the lesson because I’m always thinking about if you’re in the bathroom, bleeding out on the floor because you went too deep.” I said, looking up at the stars the whole time.

“You shouldn’t worry about me, Jack. There’s no point in it. I’m not going to stop cutting. It’s my second escape from the world, when music doesn’t work. Lately, it hasn’t. You’re just wasting your time wondering about whether I’m in the bathroom dying or not. It doesn’t matter; I don’t matter.”

“Yes you do, Alex. If not to anyone else, to me you matter. There is a point in worrying. Because if I lose you, I’ll never forgive myself for not helping you. It will hang over my shoulders for the rest of my life.”

Alex sighed. “You’re going to lose me eventually.”

“Don’t try it again, Alex. Please.”

“God, that’s all I’m getting from people these days!” He exploded angrily. “Don’t do this, don’t do that, don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t! I’m doing everything fucking WRONG! There is not one thing I can do right, is there? I can’t keep a steady conversation, I can’t sing, I can’t play guitar, I can’t be happy, and god forbid I have a day all to myself and my iPod! For fucks sake, everyone just needs to get off of me!”

I was taken aback. I hadn’t expected his little outburst. “Do you want me to leave, then?”

“No. Stay. But talk about something other than me and my stupid problems I can’t handle.” He snapped, taking a deep breath and pinching the bridge of his nose.

So I changed the subject. We talked for a few more hours before realizing it was almost 1am. We didn’t care though. Neither of us was tired. Alex just got his guitar from his car and sang, letting me see the notebook he had been writing in all day yesterday. It was amazing.

Almost every page, filled with lyrics and scribbled out words, replaced with new ones and little guitar notes written to the side to suggest a tune.

He sang a happier song he had written two years ago, Let It Roll. I liked it, it made me want to go to the beach and run at the waters edge, not giving a shit in the world.

“Alex, this is so spectacular.” I breathed, talking about his notebook.

“Thanks.” He said, smiling.

We were sitting up down, not laying down. I turned my head and smiled at him, getting one back in return. I loved his smile, it was a little crooked and made his eyes twinkle.

I couldn’t help it. I leant in and gently kissed his cheek, letting my lips linger a little before backing away and flipping through the notebook more, acting as though that hadn’t just happened. I could see Alex staring at me, a shocked expression on his face showing he was thinking, ‘Woah, did that really just happen?’. I laughed.

“What?”

“You. I have peripheral vision, you know. I can see you staring at me.”

He blushed in the darkness. “Shut up.”

“It’s fine. But this is really creative, I like it.” I said while tapping the notebook to show that’s what I was talking about.

“Thanks.”

“I noticed the songs got darker as time went by. How come?”

“That’s when my life started going bad and I realized that I was really misunderstood and the online thing began.”

“What’s Lullabies about?”

“My brother and I were in an argument and I thought about suicide and decided to write a song as to what I would think if he killed himself while we were fighting.”

“I like it. Can you sing it for me?” I dared to ask.

“Sure, I guess.”

He started playing, his foot tapping the hood of the car. “Make it a sweet, sweet goodbye, it could be for the last time and it’s not right...”

His voice was slow, quiet and low, full of deep dark emotion. Until he got to the word ‘dead’ and it started getting a little faster.

When he finished, I allowed my arm to curl around his tiny waist. He scooted over close to me, laying with the hem of my shirt instead of his.

I couldn’t believe how much he could change around his fake friends. He was such a sweet, confused kid, but he acted like a douche.

“I know I say this a lot, but thank you.” He said, looking at his fingers while they fumbled with the bottom of my shirt.

“You’re welcome, Alex.”

“You know, you can call me Lex or Lexi sometimes.”

I smiled. “Okay. We should probably try to get some sleep, I need to be in my classroom in three hours.”

He nodded and shuffled down so he was laying on his back again. I did the same and his arm rested across my stomach, his fingers lightly clutching the fabric on the other side of me as if to make sure I stayed there and closed his eyes. I set an alarm on my phone and gently pressed my lips to Alex’s temple before closing my eyes as well.

What we were doing was so risky and inappropriate for a teacher and student to do. It might be legal, but still inappropriate. Teachers shouldn’t spend the whole night awake with a troubled hot student and cuddle with them and sleep on the hood of his car together. We could get caught by anyone at any time.

I think I was willing to risk my job for Alex, though.

I eventually fell asleep and was waken up by my phone. I had to shake Alex awake. “Alex, get up. I can’t move until you get your arm off me.” I said softly.

He mumbled something I did hear and held on tighter. “Alex, come ON, I need to prep for class!” I whined. Again, he only tightened his grip and nuzzled his face in my side.

“ALEX!” I finally yelled, making him jump awake and move away.

“Fuck dude, what the hell?” He groaned, sitting up.

“You needed to get up. Throw on a different shirt and let’s go.” I said.

He crawled off the hood of his car and grabbed a shirt from the backseat, taking off his other. Right in front of me. Woah. He was really skinny. His cuts were still scarring over. He wiggling into a flannel button up shirt and fixed his hair in the rearview mirror. He tossed me a plain purple v-neck.

I figured if he could take his shirt off in front of me, I could take mine off in front of him. So I took it off and shimmied into the v-neck. I had food in my car, so I dragged him over and forced him to ear a granola bar.

“It’s not like I have an eating disorder too!” He argued.

“I wasn’t suggesting that. Eat the fucking granola bar.”

He sighed and ate it. I fixed my hair and grabbed the papers for school. We walked together to my room, Alex in front of me. I noticed little details about him. He had his guitar and backpack and I’d never noticed his iPod and earphones in his back pocket. The way his hips swayed a little bit whenever he took a step. The way he’d push his fringe from his eyes.

I could tell he was thinking hard about something. We sat in the spinny chairs with our feet on the desk. “What are you thinking about?” I asked him.

“MmWhat? Oh, um, music.” He said, a distant look on his face.

“What about it?”

“I was thinking about when I sang Anything at All. I know why you chose that to play, but have you actually tried putting yourself in my shoes?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I want to know just how bad things really are.”

He sighed and looked down. “I haven’t told you everything.” He mumbled.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m always terrified.”

“Why?”

“When I was eight and we moved from Essex, England to here, in our first month of living here, someone broke in and kidnapped me. I was missing for seven weeks before I managed to get away and run. But he’s still out there and I’m afraid he’s going to find me again.”

“Oh god.” I whispered. The bell rang before he could respond and he went to his seat.

His friends came in the class and he slipped into his other self. They were all talking about some party Alex had missed.

“No way, you fucked her?!” Alex laughed at his friend.

“Shut UP, I was drunk!” His friend hit Alex’s arm, rather forcefully.

“Hey! Hands off.” I snapped.

“Woah Alex, what’s on your arm?” His friend asked.

Alex’s eyes went wide and he quickly hid his forearm. “Nothing. Just some paint.” I could see the look he gave me out of the corner of his eye, pleading me to start teaching.

I stood up. “Okay, everyone, paper out, we’re taking notes.”

They all groaned and got out a piece of paper, taking the notes on the board. After, I gave them all a worksheet except for Alex, on purpose.

“Baraslut, I didn’t get a worksheet, dumbass.” He said, his eyes screaming apologies.

“Meet me after class, Gayskank.” I replied.

I could see he was trying to hide a smile with a scowl. He went back to talking with his friends when the bell rang.

He stayed behind and I gave him a worksheet. “In your next class, look on the back.” I whispered before shoving him out of the room. He was so confused, it was adorable.

Wait, what?

~~~
Alex’s POV

Okay, well, it’s my next class and I’m bored, I thought to myself. I’ll look at the worksheet.

I pulled it out and flipped it over. My jaw dropped.

Two tickets for AVP, along with meet and greet passes. Holy fuck. I looked at the bright green sticky note attached to it.

You. Me. Friday night. You’re meeting your other hero :) –J

I raised my hand. “May I go to the bathroom?”

He nodded and I took the paper with me, flying from the room. I ran right in Jack’s room, his entire class looking at me. I just look at Jack.

“We need help.” I said breathlessly. He frowned and told his class to stay out.

He followed me outside and I pulled him out of view through the window and quickly kissed him hard, then broke away and ran back to history, not saying a word to him.

The rest of the day dragged on with the thought of going to a concert with Jack in my head. Spending the entire night with him, bonding over the music. And then getting to meet Joe, Jason, and Dylan. It was a dream come true.

I wonder what he thought of the kiss earlier.

~~~
We were laying on my car again, only this time I was shirtless because it was warm outside. I didn’t really care if Jack saw my scarring cuts; In fact, he was lightly tracing them with his fingers, ghosting over the forming raised white lines.

He watched his fingers run over my hip. I shivered at the feeling. I wasn’t sure if I liked it or not, it was neutral. But I didn’t want him to stop.

“Am I getting special treatment because there’s something wrong with me?” I wondered aloud.

“What do you mean?”

“In class. You’re always canceling lessons and giving us free time, more than other classes according to people who sit with me at lunch. Is it because of me?”

“Sometimes. Other times it’s for me.”

“Jack, you don’t need to spare others from education just because I’m weird and unstable.” I sighed.

“You aren’t weird or unstable. You’re fine.”

“Jack, if I was fine, you wouldn’t be tracing suicide attempt scars on my hip. You’d just be tracing patterns.”

Jack was quiet. He knew I was right. “You’re really set on dying, aren’t you?”

I nodded and my phone buzzed. Of course, it was Tom.

Get home. Mom and Dad are separating.

My stomach dropped. “Fuck.” I whispered. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Damn it! SHIT!” I yelled, ready to send my fist through my car’s windshield.

“What? What’s wrong?” Jack asked, worry in his voice. I just handed him my phone. “Woah.”

“Goddammit! I fucking HATE my life!” I shouted, getting down from my car and trying to find something to punch other than the car or Jack.

“Alex! Calm down! Are you sure this isn’t a plot to get you home?”

“No, my parents haven’t gotten along for years. Shit! Oh my fucking god, is it so damn hard for ONE DAMN THING to go RIGHT in my life?!” I was yelling everything now. I wasn’t about to stop, either.

“You get to meet your hero on Friday.” He reasoned.

“Not fucking soon enough!” I growled and sent my fist flying into the side of the car. It didn’t even hurt. I let out a fucking LOUD scream, my fingers pulling at my hair. I was so angry I wasn’t even crying. My already shitty life was now shittier.

Jack hopped from the car and laid his hand on my shoulder, trying to calm me down.

I didn’t even know how it happened. It just did. Maybe because he was right there, right in front of me and there was no one else around.

My hands flew from my hair and to the back of his neck, pulling him closer and kissing him furiously and roughly, not anything like that first kiss between us. He kissed back, just as forcefully. My fingers tangled in his hair as I pushed him against the car, somehow kissing him harder. I would have felt something flutter inside me if I wasn’t so numb with anger.

We didn’t take it farther. No tongue or biting. I eventually broke away and punched the car again, screaming at the top of my lungs. I didn’t acknowledge the kiss and neither did he. We just let it hang in the air as I let out every bit of anger in me.

“I FUCKING HATE LIFE! IT’S FUCKING SHITTY!” I shouted and I screamed again. I got in my car and sped away, driving recklessly. I didn’t even care if I got in an accident. I left Jack there, but I didn’t care right now. Gritting my teeth, I sped to my house and stormed right in the door.

I found my parents in the kitchen, talking with Tom about the divorce. He seemed to be fine with this. I ran in and my eyes flashed flames, I was sure.

“Hello Alex, glad you could join us for this.” My dad said calmly.

“What the fucking HELL?” I yelled. “Why are you getting divorced?!”

“Things weren’t working out, honey. We’re sorry.” My mom quickly explained.

“Yeah, no SHIT.” I growled.

Tom turned to me and took me out of the room. “This is your fault, you know.”

“How the fuck is this MY fault?”

“The family was happy before you came along. You’re such a screw up. Look at your wrists. No one with a sane mind DOES that. You’ve destroyed our parent’s marriage. How much worse can you BE?” He asked calmly.

I held my wrist up. “This is all because of YOU!” I screamed. “Every fucking day you remind me over text how big of a fuck up I am, how there’s something WRONG with me! I’m not a strong person, Tom, I’m weak and unstable and confused and I want to fucking DIE! Why didn’t you let me die that day?”

“Because I love you too much to let you do that.”

I scoffed. “Sure, like I believe you love me anymore. I never want to see your face again.” I growled before grabbing all my clothes and other things and tossing them in my car with everything else. My house now. My car. Fantastic.

I sped back to the school, skidding into a parking space crookedly. Jack was on top of his own car now. He had his eyes closed and his shirt off. I had forgotten my shirt was off too.

I got out and slammed my door shut, storming over and angrily getting up with him.

“Better?” He asked, not opening his eyes.

“Worse.”

“How?”

“My brother basically told me the separation was my fault, to look at my wrists, I was a screw up, no one with a sane mind cut themselves, how much worse could I be?” I snarled the words.

I felt Jack’s fingers on my hipbone again, tracing the scars. He silently urged me to continue.

“And then he said he didn’t let me die that day because he loved me too much to let me do that. Psh. Yeah right. Now I’m living in my car.”

“What about your parents?”

“They can do whatever the fuck they want, just don’t expect me to get involved.”

Jack was silent. I sighed, but not angrily. “I just don’t want to make the same mistakes.”

“What mistakes?”

“The ones that my parents made. I wasn’t even supposed to be born, I was an accident. They were forced to get married because of Tom, he wasn’t planned either. At least they love him. They don’t give a shit about me, they never did. I don’t want to knock some girl up and end up marrying her because I have a kid I didn’t want. They fought over stupid things, like when the lawn needed to be watered. Shit like that. They never really took care of me. Even if I had an unplanned kid, I’d still take care of it. I wouldn’t ignore it, like they did to me. They cheated on each other all the time. Didn’t even care if the other found out. They did drugs and drank. At least they gave that up.” I sighed again, closing my eyes.

I felt Jack’s lips connect with my bare shoulder, just barely kissing it. I didn’t react.

“I should get something to eat.” I whispered, wiggling off his car and driving away in my own.

On my way to McDonald’s, I thought about something people did online. Write their story on index cards and post a video. Maybe I’d try that.

I reached the fast food place and grabbed my laptop, a pen, and index cards. I sat down and began to write while I waited for my shitty food to arrive.

After I ate and finished the cards, I shot the video. No sound, I muted it. I bit my lip to keep from breaking down, however, a few slow tears escaped.

I logged on my YouTube account, not looking at the comments on my last video and just uploaded my new one, the description saying:

My story. This is what you have done to me. I am not doing this for attention. I needed to let everything out. I wanted people to know how much words hurt.

Then I packed up my things and left.

~~~
Jack’s POV

All I could think about was that ferocious kiss Alex had given me. It was really sexy to see him this angry and worked up, even though the feeling bad for him dominated the sexiness.

I was on my laptop at my apartment. Matt came in, hanging up the phone. “Jack. YouTube, now. Alex uploaded something you need to see.” He said, looking worried. My heart sped up. Oh god. I went to YouTube and on his account. Sure enough, there was a new video. I clicked on it.

The index cards. He didn’t talk. He only held them up.

My name is Alex Gaskarth. Read the first one.

My life used to be pretty good.

But around eighth grade, things turned.

I was popular. I had friends. I was loved.

I sat with people at lunch. Girls wanted me.

In my sophomore year of high school, I was the coolest kid.

Everyone looked up to me. I was their leader.

I began to make singing videos on YouTube.

People loved me. I was told I was amazing, hot, a great singer.

So I kept going. And then things went even worse.

People commented things like, ‘you’re an ugly fag’, ‘no talent.’

‘You’ll never be anything’, ‘you’re worthless’.

I tried to ignore it.

But I couldn’t. I thought about suicide a lot.

I am a senior in high school now.

My one friend is my English teacher.

He understands me.

I was a cocky bastard the first day he taught.

He was one right back to me.

He didn’t realize how much it hurt.

Oh damn, I hurt him on the first day? Great.

That night, I went home and made the previous video.

Then locked myself in the bathroom and repeatedly cut my hips.

I eventually passed out. My brother found me and saved my life.

I was in the hospital for a day.

When I returned, I talked to my teacher about it.

I told him all about who I really was. Which is a band nerd.

I love music. It saved me from myself for a lot of years.

Ever since the horrible comments, I find it hard to sing.

Cutting my arms became my escape.

My teacher found out.

He’s helped me a lot. He’s my only friend.

I’m in love with him. Alex wiped away a fallen tear.

Woah, didn’t see that coming.

My family wants to send me to rehab.

They say, ‘There’s something wrong, not right, about you.’ Another tear.

So I ran away. I’m living in my car.

My brother makes sure to text me every day and remind me I’m not right.

It breaks me.

My parents are divorcing.

It’s because of me. I wasn’t planned. Neither was my brother.

At least they love him.

I ruined the once happy family.

I cut multiple times a day. He showed the camera every cut on his arm.

I’m lost. Confused. I want to die.

I deserve to die.

My teacher has stopped me from doing so more times than I can count.

My name is Alex Gaskarth. This is what YouTube has done to me.

Thank you, haters. I am now broken. I want nothing more than to die.

Thanks.

The video cut off and I hadn’t realized I was crying. Matt came in right then and saw me looking at the screen, tears rolling down my cheeks. “Woah dude, everything okay?”

“Watch.” I whispered, handing him the laptop and leaving the apartment.

I drove and drove before I saw Alex’s car. I followed him until he came to an empty warehouse and went inside, his backpack and guitar with him.

I went inside right after him. He spun around and saw me, then turned around again and sat against the metal wall, taking out his guitar and playing something.

“Say goodbye to the halls and the classes
Say hello to a the job and the taxes
The weekends with old friends spilling into 9 to 5 routine
Tell me how you feel over and done with
Like your life is a map with no compass to guide
At the bar drinking way too much
We sing along to forever young,

So here we go again (again)
Wish that we could start again

Wendy run away with me
I know I sound crazy don’t you see what you do to me
I wanna be a lost boy
The last chance a better reality
(Yeaaah)
Wendy we can get away
I promise if you’re with me say the word and we’ll find a way
And I can be a lost boy
The last chance your everything that I planned
Ohh Somewhere in neverland,
Somewhere in neverland

Well start a life of the plane and the simple
Of great times with far better people
And weekends with our friends
Laughing about the wine that stains there teeth
We’ll talk about how your parents separated and
How you don’t wanna make the same mistakes as them
I’ll say it’s all about sticking it out and trying to feel forever young..."

I smiled. That was an amazing song, one of his best. “I saw your video.” I said once he had finished, still smiling.

“Fuck.” He mumbled, looking away.

“Hey.” I said, turning his head to face me. “Things will only get better.”

He sighed and started playing the song.

“When it all comes crashing down,
And you feel no one around...” His voice cracking as a tear rolled down his cheek.

He was still gorgeous even when he was upset.

I loved him too.

Notes

Here ya go :) Thank you for all the comments, ratings, subscribings, and readings! Comments please, thank you! <3