Chapter 3

Jack’s POV

I got to school in the morning and Alex’s car was already there. Or maybe, still here. Same exact spot. I frowned in confusion and got out of my car, walking over to see if Alex was inside.

He was. All the seats were laid down and he was asleep under a blanket, using his extra clothes as a pillow. He was living in his car now? Fan-fucking-tastic. Should I just leave him or wake him up?

Leave him be.

I sighed and went to the classroom, forty minutes before the bell rang. When it did, kids came in the classroom and sat down, all talking. Alex was there, but again, he was quiet and unresponsive. He looked so tired and upset. I decided to cancel the lesson.

“You know what? You guys should know this. Free period.” I stated. Alex didn’t cheer like everyone else, he just got out his guitar and started singing.

“My ship went down,
In a sea of sound,
When I woke up alone I had everything...”

Woah. The new song was so... meaningful. It was raw emotion, pouring out into the slow sad tune coming from the guitar. Everyone listened intently.

He didn't even thank anyone for clapping at the end. He just moved into AVP.

Okay, it’s official. He’s broken. He is so broken and upset and hurt and it was killing me not knowing why. A few joined in on the bridge to help with the layering of voices.

He played some other sad songs before the bell rang and he put his guitar away. “Alex.” I said.

Finally, he actually looked at me. I gestured him over with my index finger. “Are you okay?” I asked gently.

“I have to go.” He whispered, his voice cracking and eyes filling with tears as he ran from the room. I almost stopped him.

Almost.

People talked about him all day long.

“Is he like, depressed?”

“Why is he so quiet?”

“It’s so different. I don’t like it.”

“I want to know what happened to make him like this.”

I finally stopped it. “Guys! I know Alex is a little down, but you all need to focus on something else. Got it?”

They nodded and moved onto another subject.

The end of the day came and I went to the bathroom, then came back to see Alex sitting against the wall of my class, on the verge of tears and playing his guitar. I quietly slipped in the room and sat next to him, letting my hand rest on his thigh and rubbing little circles in it.

He finished the song and didn’t say anything, just leant into me and let a tear fall. My arm instinctively wrapped around his waist and held him close to me. Neither of us spoke. I don’t think he wanted to talk anyway.

After a long time of sitting in silence, he finally spoke. “Thank you.” He whispered.

“Anytime.” I smiled down at him. “A-Are you ready to tell me what’s wrong?”

“According to my family, I’m what’s wrong. Everything about me. There’s something ‘not right’ about me.” He said, hurt hinting his voice.

“Is that why you’re sleeping in your car?”

He looked at me curiously.

“Yes, I saw you sleeping in your car.”

“Whatever. Yeah, I’m basically running from them. If I go back home, I’m off to rehab. But every day my brother texts me telling me I need to go to rehab to fix what’s wrong with me. It really fucking hurts, seeing as he’s my brother and my previous best friend. But he’s right. There is something wrong with me, my brain is so fucked up. My whole life is. And for each text, another cut. Another cut, less blood. Less blood, less life. One day, I’m not going to stop pushing the razor down and let myself go.”

“Show me.”

He held out his wrist and I saw scars and scabs scattering his entire forearm. It was so scary. I brought his wrist up to my mouth and gently pressed my lips to each cut. “Don’t do this to yourself.” I whispered against his skin.

I let his wrist go. “It’s not that easy.” He said quietly. “It’s an addiction. I can’t stop. Every day, I’m reminded of what a waste of space I am, a waste of time, a waste of everything I take up. I’m not worth anything. I’m just another broken person with nothing to live for.”

“Don’t say that! You’re not a waste of anything. You’re worth everything. You might be broken, but someone will fix you. Your brother is just angry with you right now and trying to get you to see that you need rehab, but you don’t. You’re just confused with yourself. And you have everything to live for! I can definitely see your music going somewhere, you’ve got marriage and college and a whole happy life just waiting for you. You can’t let anyone ruin that.”

He smiled sadly at me. “Thanks, Jay. But I’m not going to college.”

“How come?”

“I’m not smart enough.”

“Well fuck, yes you are!”

“Not really. I’ve got either C’s or D’s in all my classes.”

“Alex, you really need to let this reputation go. It’s not you. You’re miserable with being this cocky bastard who talks back to others and makes rude comments to and about them. You need to come to school wearing sweatpants and a band shirt with your hair a mess and show them that you don’t give a shit about what they think of you.”

“But I do give a shit. If I come to school wearing that, I’m going to get teased. The people here think I’m stronger than I am. They don’t notice my wrist and have no clue about my hip or why I was in the hospital. They think that they can say anything to me without it even fazing me, but every harsh words is just another cut.” He sighed and played with the hem of his shirt.

I had almost forgotten we were still all cuddled up on the ground. Whatever, Alex didn’t seem to mind. The poor boy was a broken as broken could get. “You don’t have to resort to that. You just need someone to talk to. I don’t care who it is, whether it be me or a tennis ball, you need to let everything out. Things will only get better, I swear.”

Again, he just smiled sadly. I moved my arm from his waist to pick up his guitar and started playing Anything at All by AVP. Alex recognized the tune right away and started to sing.

“You know I said it, I meant it, but you don't seem to notice at all
And I tried to prevent it, how can I stop what I can't control?
And we've been here before, and I feel that you can't take much more

And I try to put myself in your shoes
But I know that it won't be any use
When I say things'll only get better
Does it mean anything at all?

Yeah ohh

Wish I could take you away from everything and erase the pain
You bit off more than you could chew, didn't work out how you wanted it to
And I know it wasn't your fault, just a hand that you were dealt with
Cause your luck is turning to hell and it's made you into skeptic
You still leave me breathless. You say I'll never get it

And I try to put myself in your shoes
But I know that it won't be any use
When I say things'll only get better
Does it mean anything at all?

Your world is crumbling, but you tell me to smile
Your world is crumbling, but you tell me to smile
Your world is crumbling, but you tell me to smile
Your world is crumbling, but you tell me to smile

It doesn't make any sense at all.
It's not fair and it feels so wrong

And I try to put myself in your shoes
But I know that it won't be any use
When I say things'll only get better
Does it mean anything at all? Yeah

And I try to put myself in your shoes
But I know that it won't be any use
When I say things'll only get better
Does it mean anything at all? Yeah

And I try to put myself in your shoes
But I know that it won't be any use
When I say things'll only get better
Does it mean anything at all?
Do I mean anything at all?”

I know he knew why I picked that song. I set the guitar to the side again and we returned to our earlier position, my arm around his waist and Alex leaning into my side. A single tear fell from his eye, but I didn’t wipe it away. Neither did he. We just let it exist there, as a reminder of how shitty life could be.

“The words cut deep, I know.” I whispered. He smiled at the song reference and nodded.

“Yeah. And the pain will surely grow.”

“And your mind is troubled with doubt.”

“Your faith is gone.”

“Keep pressing on until you break free of the ground.”

“It’s so hard, so hard, when you’ve lost control.”

“Why don’t we runaway?”

“And I’ve found what I’ve been missing, baby.”

“The reason why my heart’s been racing.”

“You’re the only one that can be my rescue.”

“How do we find ourselves?”

“When the world brings so much pain.”

“And in time you will see, the best that you can be.” We said in unison.

Alex sighed and closed his eyes. “Life sucks.” He whispered.

“Yeah, sometimes. But there are the good moments, for sure.”

“But for me, the bad ones dominate the good ones.”

“Well, we’re going to have to change that.”

“How? My life is complete shit. My family has told me to my fucking face that there is something wrong with me, not right. They’re basically saying I’m mentally unstable. They don’t understand how much that hurts, especially when I knowthat there’s something wrong with me. If there wasn’t, I wouldn’t be so stupid as to cut myself for every harsh word.”

“Alex.” I looked him right in his gorgeous, perfect eyes. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You’re just confused and scared. You don’t know how else to handle it. Don’t you ever think there is something fucked up about you or your mind. You. Are. Fine.” I said.

“But I’m not, Jay! I’m not fine! If I was fine, I wouldn’t be sitting in your classroom after class hours singing when you aren’t here just because I can’t go home because I’ll be sent to rehab! If I was fine, I wouldn’t be cutting myself! If I was fine, I wouldn’t be going to my English teacher to talk about all my stupid problems with my shitty life! If I was fine, I wouldn’t be living in my car! If I was fucking fine, I would be able to be myself around everybody instead of being some rude douchebag who only wants sex!” He exclaimed angrily, hurt hinting his voice.

“You’re still okay, Alex. Just because you have some problems right now does not mean there is something not right about you. I’m happy to help you. I’d rather take time out of my day to help you get better than have you take your life. I’ll help you be yourself. I want to help you.” I said carefully.

He didn’t look at me, just at his hands. He was on the verge of tears again. “I-I just want everything to be over.” He said quietly.

“What’s everything?”

“Life.”

“Don’t. Trust me Alex, it will get better. If you ever need help with anything, come to me. I’ll be happy to give you advice. I really don’t want you to get hurt.”

He kept looking down and he moved a little closer into me, making his shirt ride up a little. I could see the scars forming and I lightly ran my finger over them. He didn’t react, just laid his head on my chest and closed his eyes. I liked this, even though the circumstances were a little strange for us to be doing this. Whatever made Alex better, I would do.

~~~
Alex’s POV

I couldn’t believe Jack was actually wanting to help me. I wasn’t worth his time. I wasn’t worth anyone’s time. I sighed and opened my eyes, listening to his heartbeat.

“I should go over to Cassadee’s.” I said, wiggling my way out of Jack’s embrace and putting my guitar away.

“You don’t want to come to my place?”

I nodded. “I’m fine, thanks though. I’ll see you tomorrow Jay.” I said as I left the room.

I got in my car and drove over to Cass’s house, knocking on the door. She answered. “Hi Alex, what are you doing here?”

Cass and I were pretty good friends. She didn’t know a lot about me, but I could at least trust her. “Can I spend the night here?” I asked.

“Yeah, of course babe!” She always called me babe, it was her nickname for me. I smiled and walked in.

“Thanks girly.”

“Come on, upstairs. We need to catch up.” She pulled on my hand and took me up to her room. I had been smart enough to put a sweatshirt on to hide my wrist cuts. “Why were you in the hospital?”

“Oh, I just had a little accident with a knife. I was cutting something for my mom and dropped it and cut my leg, so I had to get stitches.” I lied easily.

“Awww, I’m sorry babe! Is it better?”

“Getting there. A lot better than before. How about you sweetheart? How have you been?” I asked. She was my best girl friend, I could call her any sweet name and it wouldn’t change our friendship.

“Pretty good. Me and the guys in the band might get a recording contract.” She grinned and my face lit up.

“Oh my god! That’s amazing! I’m so proud of you!” I exclaimed, hugging her.

“Thanks Lex. I really hope we get somewhere.”

“Me too. You’re an amazing singer, you’re going to be big. I promise.” I grinned at her.

We talked for a few hours and ate dinner before going to sleep. I always slept in her bed whenever I slept over, but we never cuddled or anything. She had a big bed, so it fit two people easily.

Cass and I had known each other since seventh grade. We became friends quickly, spending almost every day together. I actually used to like like her, but I grew out of it. Although she was gorgeous.

I fell asleep fast. I never felt uncomfortable around her, though I felt more comfortable around Jack. Her bed was really soft and squishy and warm, so I just snuggled under the covers and closed my eyes.

She woke me up the next morning. “Alex, come on babe, get up. We have school.” She said softly, nudging my shoulder over and over.

“M’k...” I mumbled, getting from the bed and putting on a shirt I had brought in with me. We ate breakfast, talking about random crap and telling old stories. She was always fun to be around, always happy and chipper. Like nothing could bring her down.

We drove to school separately and I immediately went to Jack’s room. He was in there playing his guitar, sitting in his spinny chair.

I walked right in and sat in the chair next to him. He noticed me but didn’t acknowledge me until he finished the song. “Hey Alex.”

“Hey Jay.” I said, putting my feet up on the desk.

“How’ve you been?” He asked, concern in his voice.

I shrugged. “Okay. I slept at Cass’s last night, so I didn’t sleep in my car. But...” I rolled up my sleeve to show him the new cut I had made this morning when I lied and told Cassadee I had to pee. Yeah right.

He gently held my wrist in the palm of his hand and began counting how many there were. “23. 23 cuts Alex, this is outrageous.”

I looked at my wrist and didn’t respond. “Alex, this has to stop.” Jack said softly. A tear fell from my eye. I hadn’t even know I was about to cry.

“It’s just really hard.” I whispered, my voice cracking.

“I know baby, but you’re destroying yourself.” He said. Baby? Where’d that come from?

More tears fell and I wiped them away, not responding again. “What can I do to help you?” Jack asked quietly.

“I-I don’t know.” I whispered again, still looking down.

“I just don’t want you going too far.”

“I know.”

“Alex, look at me.” Jack said. I lifted my head to look at him. He looked sad, worried about me. “I don’t want you to die.” He said, looking me right in the eyes.

“But I want to.” I choked out.

“Do you really?” Jack said it like he didn’t believe me.

I nodded though. I did want to. I wanted everything to end. His hand moved to cup my cheek, forcing me to keep eye contact. “Please don’t.” He whispered.

I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t even nod or shake my head. I had no idea what he was doing, whether he was just going to stare in my eyes or kiss me or let his hand drop.

The bell totally ruined whatever moment we were having and his hand dropped quickly. His eyes told me to go to my seat and I sat down just as the other kids came in. Cass came up to me upon seeing my eyes, which I was sure were slightly red. “You okay babe?” She asked, laying her hand on mine.

“I’m fine, sweetheart. Don’t worry.” I tried to smile convincingly. I guess it worked because she smiled back and went to her seat.

“Are you guys dating?” Jack mouthed to me. I shook my head.

He nodded and started the lesson.

I could tell he wasn’t focusing, which made it hard for everyone else to focus. He finally addressed it.

“Okay, sorry guys. I’ve got a lot on my mind, just bare with me here.” He sighed.

“What’s wrong, Mr. Barakat?” A girl asked.

“Just something on my mind. You don’t need to worry about it.”

“Is it something big?”

“Yes. But we need to focus.” He said and went back to teaching.

The lesson lasted until six minutes before the bell. A lot of people went up to ask Jack what was wrong.

“Jay, what’s the matter?” A slut asked.

“You don’t need to worry about it. It’s not me you need to worry about.” He said, looking past her at me.

I looked away and quickly wrote down some lyrics as he kept talking to her.

“Who is it I need to worry about then?” She asked.

“You don’t need to worry about anyone. I do.” Jack still looked at me. The bell rang and I quickly packed up and ran from the room. The girls stayed behind to pester Jack.

My day wasn’t so great from then on. History consisted of the teacher bitching me out the whole time, algebra was me sitting there confused and bored out of my mind, a girl was trying to turn me on the whole lunch period, and chemistry made me want to tear my head off because who the hell cares about atoms? I’m not going to be a chemist when I grow up!

I wasn’t sure if I should go to Jack’s room or not after school. Fuck it, I thought, and went to the bathroom. I dug around in my backpack until I found what I had been looking for.

A rush running through me, I smoothly glided the metal across my wrist, blood oozing out immediately. Another. And another. Over and over. Six cuts later, I stopped and washed the blood away, then went out to my car and lay on the hood. I could feel the blood rolling down my skin and landing on the windshield beneath me, but I didn’t care. Let me bleed out.

I put my Aviator sunglasses on and put in my earphones, listening to AVP and closing my eyes. I hummed along to their Christmas album (yeah, I listen to Christmas songs four months before Christmas, what of it?) and tuned out the world around me. I lay there for hours. Either Jack left or was still here and waiting for me. I opened my eyes and saw his car still here, so I guessed he had a meeting and stayed late.

I didn’t even know my feelings for Jack. I kissed him more than a week ago and I had liked it, definitely, but I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to happen again. I think I did, but I wasn’t sure. I liked cuddling with him yesterday and I liked that he cared about me. He was not lacking good looks by any point of view, he was gorgeous. Sexy, at some points. He was caring and good looking and sweet and funny and amazing. I’m not sure if I LIKE him or if I just like him.

I had written A Daydream Away about him, but that was the day after I kissed him and I was confused. I wasn’t sure if I had wanted him to kiss me this morning either.

I sighed heavily, staring into the darkening sky. The sun was behind me now, the moon beginning to show, but still light outside.

I looked to my wrist. Oh woah, okay, there’s a lot of blood on the windshield. My stomach churned at the sight of it and I looked away, squeezing my eyes shut.

I felt... Nervous yet relaxed whenever I cut. I was afraid of going too deep, even though I wanted to die, and at the same time I felt at peace. It was weird.

I felt the car shift down a little as someone got up with me. I opened my eyes and saw Jack laying next to me. I sighed and looked away.

He didn’t say anything. We just lay there in silence, although he stole one of my earphones to listen to my playlist with me. This was more relaxing than cutting. I hoped he didn’t notice the blood on the windshield if he hadn’t already.

I felt like I was dead.

At peace.

Finally.

~~~
Jack’s POV

Alex had cut.

A lot.

There was blood from his wrist all over the windshield.

His playlist, however, was a different story. Some happy songs, others sad and depressing. I heard some Panic! At the Disco, Parachute, We the Kings, Anarbor and other bands. I was introduced to Mayday Parade, Joe Brooks, The Downtown Fiction, The Maine, and some others I hadn’t heard of.

We lay in silence until I decided to bring up his wrist. “Alex, this is dangerous.” I said, gently picking up his wrist.

He sighed heavily. “Can we not worry about that right now?”

“We’re talking about it eventually.” I said firmly, showing he was going to tell me about it.

He didn’t reply. He just lay in silence with his eyes closed, blasting AVP into our ears.

Alex was something different. He was really special to me and I didn’t know why. I’m sure a lot of teachers encounter hot students who want to die. But Alex seemed set on it. The way he talked about his life, his friends, the way he thinks, it scares me. He’s always so calm about it, like this was something everyone thought about. It wasn’t. We’ve all thought about death for sure, but not a lot of people think about actually committing suicide.

I don’t really understand why Alex cuts himself. Yeah, he’s insecure and misunderstood, but he’s also so talented.

And gorgeous. He’s was sexy and hot and adorable.

His blondish brown hair was the perfect length and it fell in his eyes constantly. His eyes. They were so beautiful. A deep caramel brown color that went in forever and ever, surrounded by brown eyelashes that currently fanned over his perfect cheekbones. Those cheekbones were so amazing; Just the perfect shape and prominence. His slight frame was perfect for his height and his legs seemed to go on for miles when he wore skinny jeans, which was every day. His protruding hipbones were always seen whenever he wore a tight v-neck, which also showed off his splendid collarbones. His arms were just the right length and weren’t exactly toned, but he made it work in the right way.

Why didn’t he see how amazing he was?

Something about him drew me in. Made me want to be around him all the time. He made me dizzy whenever he walked in the room, left me breathless constantly. Alex made me want him, want him in a way I shouldn’t want a student of mine. So I pushed the emotion away, instead focusing on fixing him.

Because I was determined to fix him if it was the last thing I did.

Notes

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