'Busted plans and cigarettes,
Nights and days I won't forget,
Sleeping on my best friends floor,
With everything to ask for.
Clear skies and sing-a-longs,
I ask myself what could go wrong... I ask myself... What could- FUCK!" Alex cursed causing my head to snap up from my text book to see him glaring at his open notebook.

"What's up?" I asked curiously as I slid my book from my lap slightly. Alex had been writing since the moment I had gotten here. And by the large hunks of cords he had mangled together I'd assume he had been working whilst I was at soccer workouts as well. The boys had been signed to a local record label after putting out their small EP the previous year, but as expected, with the new partnership a record was to be made. All the boys were feeling the pressure but the most was surly being placed on Alex, and it seemed as though since lunch earlier that day his mind was someplace else.

"I just can't figure out this song!" He groaned. His hand that wasn't holding up the neck of the acoustic guitar sat in his lap ripped through his hair making me sigh. "I don't know why this is so hard!" He continued. I hummed as a simple response and crawled across his mattress to sit behind him. My head snugging onto his shoulder blade as he took a deep breath.

"You'll get it..." I told him softly as he mumbled incomplete words under his breath. "Maybe you should just take a break..."

Alex sighed as he ran a hand over his face. "I can't, I have to write nine more songs before we can even bring it to Emerald, I can't waste time!"

I sighed again as I pressed my forehead to Alex's back. "Well nothing is going to get done with you stressing like this." I told him making him groan in response. I pull back slightly and run my nails up his back practically pulling a purr from his lips. There’s something so tantalizing about someone running a hand up your back or fingers through hair that would sooth any human, that, I knew would convince him. My thought confirmed as he leaned back against me with a heavy sight.

"And what am I to do?" He asked in an unconvinced tone as I rolled my eyes and ruffled my fingers through his bangs.

"Teach me how to play..." I said simply.

At my words, Alex sat up. Turning to me as he lofted a brow. "You want me to teach you how to play guitar?" He asked, looking at me as though I was Fluffy, the three headed demon dog from Harry Potter. I bit my lip and responded with a curt nod as he blinked at me. "Jasey, I tried to teach you to play I don't know how many times when we were younger!"

"Yeah but we were like twelve!" I argued with a whine as I reached forward and playfully nudged his shoulder. "I didn't want your cooties!"

"You really want to learn?" He asked softly as I eyed the guitar sat in his lap and nodded my head. A small smile cracked on his lips as he grinned and handed me the instrument. Sliding to pull me back onto his bed more as he slid behind me to seat me comfortably in his lap.

"Am I even holding this right?" I giggled as Alex continued to shift me between his thighs to where he could access the fret-broad from behind me. The boy laughing softly as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Perfect." He hushed. His breath tickling my neck as he took my hands in his and placed my fingers in their places on the strings before taking my right and strumming in his own. The soft sound echoing through the room. "That's a C" he told me as I nodded my head, letting him re-adjust my three fingers. His hand slid down my left arm after he had changed my finger's positions. Hand resting gently on my hip as he strummed my hand again. "That's a G."

"Alright..." I whispered as I nodded my head. Alex laughing softly as he slid his hand back up my arm to change the chord once again. Strumming on his own once he had.

"And that... Is an A minor." He hushed. Shifting ever so slightly as both his hands lingered back to mine sending a tingly sensation through the tips of my fingers. "Now watch this..." He instructed, his chin testing into the crook of my neck as he adjusted himself ever so slightly. He adjusted my hands back to the first note and took my right hand in his once again, strumming the note. "We'll do it all," he sang. His voice soft and gentle as he switched to the second note again, strumming down the strings. "Everything," third note, "on our own."

I smiled down at the guitar in awe at his choice of song as he switched back to the first note and continued guiding me through the song. "We don't need," he sang, surprising me as he finished the last word with a switch to the second note. "Anything," he dragged with the A minor. "Or anyone..."

"So if I lay here" he sang along, "if I just lay here, will you lie with me?" He hushed as he changed the note once again and placed a soft kiss to my neck. "And, just forget the world."

"Snow Patrol..." I breathed as Alex sighed and rested his forehead to the crook of my neck. The boy humming as he kissed my shoulder. My eyes falling on the ratty notebook that sat open in front of us as I cocked my head. "Is this the song you've been working on?"

"Yep..." He sighed, his tone carrying that frustrated pang once again. "I have the chorus and a few bits, but that’s all... Notes to the whole song, but no words."

"Play me what you have..." I told him more less then asked. Alex sighing as he leaned his arm over between me and the wooden frame of the guitar to pull the notebook closer. The boy letting out a thought-filled sigh as he rolled his head to the side and looked down on me in his lap.

"Promise not to laugh?" He asked softly. His tone brining my eyes to his to see his honest orbs filled with fear and uncertainty. I bit my lip and nodded my head. Alex never liked to show anyone anything he was working on until it was one hundred and ten percent perfect, and finished. That was his main issue when it came to approaching this new album. Alex never thought anything was good enough. He had hundreds of unfinished and forgotten songs and lyric books stashed around the room that had failed to gain the Gaskarth seal of approval. This would be the first time aside from his song for Tom that I would hear his work before anyone else, and even then, Lullabies -as he named it- was finished, he just doubted its brilliance.

"I promise..." I whispered. My eyes filling with sincerity as Alex nodded his head and let me slide my hands from the guitar. The elder boy positioning the wooden instrument in my lap to continue to hold me close as he played. Taking one last deep breath Alex began to ripple his fingers over the delicate strings.

'Come with me I'll take you there
To a place where we don't have to care,
We'll sit and watch the world go by,
Welcome to my paradise.'

He sang as he rocked slightly and let his eyes slip shut as his mind slid into the song.

'Sleeping in and alcohol,
Crowded city streets,
Flashing lights, shattered dreams,
A paradise it seems.

Take my hand and follow me to a better place,
A place I call my own sweet home,
A place to call my own.'

He slowly dragged out the last note as his voice registered his uncertainty, the octave picking up as I snapped from my daze his voice had put me in. "That was... beautiful Alex." I told him genuinely. Said boy laughing softly as he looked down at the notebook.

"It's not done yet..."

"That doesn't mean it can't be amazing..." I told him, feeling his cheek heat up as he pressed it against my own. His eyes were locked on the notebook once again as he mumbled the lyrics scratched at the top of the page, a large space between where he had begun to sing and the few lines he was repeating earlier as he mumbled.

Leaning forward, Alex snatched the pencil he had been holding before off his comforter and continued to mutter words under his breath. "What could go wrong..." He breathed, the metal of the pencil's end tapping the paper as he bit at the chapped portions of his lips. "A thousand times I would go back. You only have to ask..." He said louder. Alex grinned as he leaned over, squishing my stomach into the frame of the guitar as he scribbled down the few words. A sigh escaping my lips as I looked down at the notebook.

"What’s it about?" I asked softly.

Alex shrugging as a response as his lower lip jutted out. "I have no real idea, maybe that’s why it’s so difficult to write." He concluded.

"Lex..." I sighed. "Why did you get so defensive at lunch today?" I asked. My teeth digging into my lower lip as he slowly say up. His spine straight and ridged, making me cringe as I quickly shoved the guitar from my lap and slid from his knees. "I'm sorry..." I rushed.

"No." Alex interjected. His hand reaching out to grab my own as our eyes met. His own filled with guilt and a slew of emotions I couldn't decipher. "It's not a big deal; I just didn't want to burden you..."

"Alex..." I dragged, my brow lofted as he bit his lip. "Alex what’s going on?"

At this, his eyes widened as he persistently shook his head. "No, no, nothing is wrong!" He rushed out before sighing. "I guess I'm just protective... That’s all."

I took in his words for a moment as I played them with the memory of that day. "But Alex, she wasn't attacking me at all..."

Alex sighed as he ran a hand through his hair before he got to his knees. Crawling towards his pillows as he pulled me with him, laying us down with me on his chest. His hand instantly running calmly through my hair. "It doesn't matter Jasey, anyone who tries to get between us is going to make me upset..." He confessed. My eyebrows scrunching together as I looked up at him. "It's just that with all Tammy had caused with her keeping me from you and all she put you through, I can't stand the thought of someone doing it again. Because in the end, Tammy used me to hurt you, the one thing I vowed never to do."

"But that wasn't your fault, Alex..." I told him. My fingers drumming across his chest as he took deep breaths.

"Whether it was directly my fault or not Jasey, I still feel the guilt of it every day." He sighed. His words sinking through my brain as I took steady breaths. I shut my eyes feeling a sting I've grown to know well. As to why I had the sudden urge to cry, even I still don't know. I guess it was just the thought of Alex only being able to look at me with pity in his eyes instead of the admiration I looked at him with. I know it was the twist in my stomach when that thought crossed my mind that caused me to sit up. Alex seeing my efforts to avoid his eyes as I looked past my shoulder rather dramatically, the boy reaching forward to softly take the hand resting on my thigh in his own. "Jasey... What are you thinking?"

I pinched my eyes shut trying to take a deep breath. I hated how Alex always knew when something was bothering me. How he had so easily learned all my little tells and knew when to ask. "Alex, do you actually love me?" I choked out, still trying not to cry. Alex was stunned by my words for a few minutes before he too sat up and tangled his strong arms around me letting me fall into his chest.

"Jasey, why would you ever think I didn't mean what I said?" He asked. His hurt evident in his tone only making my trembling body shake even more at thought of causing him more pain. "Jasey, talk to me..." He hushed. "Why would you think that?"

"When you look at me..." I started on trembling words like a toddler just learning to walk. "Do you see someone you can love, or do you see..." I swallowed the lump in my throat, could I even say it? "Do you see a... a charity case!" I choked. My eyes welding shut to hold back my tears. The short silence stretching out for ages as the only sounds filling his room were our two labored breathes and the low hum of his ceiling fan.

"Jasey..." He whispered, his hands sliding to hold my jaw as he pulled my face inches from his. "Jasey, open your eyes." I shook my head in a response as my lower lip jutted out. "Jasey, please, look at me." And for some odd reason, I did. My eyes slowly fluttered open as a single tear slid from the inner corner of my eye. His golden orbs were looking back at me with their heightened color from the matching red brimming both our eyes. "Jasey," Alex sighed as he contemplated his words. "When I see you... I see a girl who I've known my entire life in America." He started.

"I see my first friend, and my first American neighbor. I see the sister of my drummer, and my best-friend. I see a girl who has been through Hell and a half and manages to smile every single day. I see an amazing human being and an even better friend. I see a soccer player and an honors student." He rattled off as he pulled his nose against mine and took a deep breath. "I see a girl who finds the best in everyone and everything and has the most forgiving heart. A girl who took a chance on this ass-hat and hopefully doesn't regret it every day..." He smiled making me laugh despite my bubbling tears. "Jasey, when I look at you, I see my first kiss... And my first love. None of you is a pity party, or a charity case."

"Then why do you feel guilty?" I asked softly as my eyes dropped from his. "Why do you feel bad?"

"Because I know I'm none of that to you." He said. His answer catching me off guard as I snapped my eyes up to his. "I feel guilty because I know I don't deserve you. And I wake up every day and thank God that you are in my life, because without you I wouldn't even have Rian, and who knows if Jack and I would ever have been friends. I have every good thing in my life in thanks to you. And what have I done for you? Nothing."

"Alex..." I stopped him, reaching up and holding his face like he'd done mine. "What haven't you done for me? You've showed me that my birth mother doesn't define who I am and how I treat people. You kept me grounded when I wanted to run from it all. You picked me up when I was broke and took the time to piece me back together. You showed me that I can be loved, and I'm more then what my birth mother thought of me to be." I took a shaky breath as I slid a single hand to his shoulder, still holding his jaw with the other. "You- you saved my life."

"But I also made it difficult..." He argued as he shut his eyes. Letting out a breath, I climbed into his lap and felt him wrap his arm around me like a stuffed bear. "I made it so difficult!" He sobbed catching my off guard as he buried his face into my shoulder.

"Alex, what's life without a few bumps in the road, wasn't it you who always told me the good always outweighs the bad?" I offered. My hands splitting as I ran one through his hair and another down his back. "I hold nothing that happened against you."

"You should!" He cried. "Jasey none of that would have happened had I not let Tammy keep us apart." He sobbed holding me tighter. "I would have never had to have been away from you all. You would have never sat around and wondered where it all went wrong and Tammy would never have been able to make the comments she had to you." His next thought crossing his mind as he clenched fistfuls of his shirt covering my back. His action making my eyes slip shut as I already knew his next comment. "Riley would have never laid a hand on you had I not fucked up."

"Alex that's not your fault!" I interjected before he could slip further into his mental spiral. "None of that was your fault..." I soothed rubbing his back. "You were trying to protect me; you could have never known what he was going to do!"

"JASEY!" Alex sobbed as he pulled my chest flush against his own. "I meant what I told you, but I will never be able to get the image of him hurting you from my mind!"

"Ale-"

"Jasey, I don't think you understand. I will never forgive myself for what you had to go through because of me." He cried harder despite my best attempts. "I'm always fearful you'll have another nightmare and I won’t be there. Or that he'll come back and I won’t be around. I will never stop worrying that you look at me and wonder when I will snap and turn into him!"

His sobs took over then as his body went limp against my own bringing me to collect him in my arms. "Alex, you will never be like Riley." I hushed. "The fact you feel any guilt at all is proof enough. I have no doubt you will never turn on me like he had..."

"I Promise..." He fumbled.

"Promise what?" I asked softly. My head pulling from beside his to look into his leaky eyes.

"I Promise I will never let anything happen to you." He cried, his clammy hands holding my face again as his tears silently slid down his face.

"No..." I said simply shaking my head.

"Jasey let me promise this!" He begged softly as I shook my head again.

"No, I can't." I argued with a feeble tone. My fear coursing through my as Alex ran a thumb over my lips.

"Jasey, please, I love you... Let me make this promise." He pleaded. His voice so small and shattered I had to focus all my will on not to cry. I don't know why Alex needed this so much. An assurance that he could sleep at night without thinking I secretly feared him maybe? Or maybe it was just a security blanket for him. Whatever it may be, could I really deny him with all he had just unloaded with me?

I bit my lip and nodded my head enough for him to see. "I love you too." I breathed before connecting is salty lips with my own.

Notes

OKAY NOT REALLY SURE WHERE THE FUCK I WAS GOING WITH THIS..

but i just really needed to get back on track with updates.. so here you go..

i hope its okay :)


-Sarah