Chapter Inspiration: I'm Lost Without You - Blink 182


I let out a puff as I shoved my hands further into the pocket of Alex's hoodie. If I were to be honest, I didn't want to walk home to clear my head; I just didn't want to talk. To Jack at least. If anything the thought of walking home in the freezing cold alone where Riley could pull up beside me at any given moment scared the living crap out of me. But I did it. I abandoned the warmth and realistic safety of Jack's car and company to walk home in the winter cold. I planned was go home, crawl into bed, and stare at my phone for the one call I'd been waiting to get all week.

I'd curl under my covers and pray that he wasn't gone again, pray that he hadn't just entered my life for the week to disappear again, that I hadn't let his presence win me over once again to lose him forever. But what I didn't know was that he was praying the same thing for me. To an outside friend it would be almost physically painful to see the two of us apart and pinning each other at the time. But maybe it was Jack's stroke of intelligence, the one point in time where the two lone brain cells bouncing around his head collided and he did something that would be of most importance to the two of us. He forced us back together for the greater good of everyone.

The action lead Alex to helplessly sitting on his porch for almost an hour. His nose pink from the early January kisses. His breath think and his fingers numb as he cupped them to his face. His chocolate eyes scanning the road for my small figure. Watching, waiting, hoping for me to show. But it wouldn't be till the tail end of that hour that I would turn onto the end of the road. My steps small and staggered on the tin ice covered sidewalk, Alex, up the road almost asleep; his body slouched against the white post of his porch. The beanie on his head pulled over his ears and eyes. The hood of his jacket pulled over his head and his hands tucked into its sleeves.

I had never even bothered to look up as I crossed my neighbor’s homes. The light sound of my footsteps echoed off the street. The bitter winter forcing everyone inside left for an almost silent street most days of the week. It was the sound of my steps that caused Alex to shoot upright. A sigh of relief washing over him as his large brown eyes set on me. It wasn't till I would wipe the back of my wrist under my eyes that he realized I had been crying. His heart swelling in his chest as Jack's words rocked around in his head.

He knew what he had been doing was dumb, that was a given. But he knew no other option for him, and until that point, avoiding it seemed the easiest. No one got hurt if he did nothing. Not leaning in either direction as he swayed between his my presence and my wellbeing. He knew he was screwed, but what was he to do in a situation like that! Alex watched as I neared my home, he wanted so bad to give in and run over to me. But he knew in the same letting me close would only hurt me more. The conflict like a boa constrictor, tightly twining around his neck at a painfully slow pace. The pressure slowly increasing till he was sure his head was going to pop. He watched me as I walked. The way my body trembled from fear and the freezing wind intermingled, the way my eyes were blown wide when I looked over my should again in search of Riley.

Me stopping at the foot of my driveway. My heels shifting to face the maroon house just across the road. My breath all but evaporating from my lungs as our eyes locked. Alex's limbs spazzing slightly as he snapped to his feet. His hand griping the white wooden railing with its total strength as he watched me. My eyes falling to my toes as I felt myself shrink to the size of a dime in his glare. It was so typical, I thought, Jasey, the damsel in distress waiting to be saved. Was that truly what I had become, a waiting victim so helpless and weak. I swallowed hard as I shut my eyes not wanting to see the pity in his. I didn't need to be a rocket scientist to know if he had been waiting there that Jack had called him. The conversation seeming inevitable, I simply tried to make it avoidable. And it would have worked.

It would have worked if I had remembered the entire state was coated in ice. It would have worked if I didn't step on that patch of black ice and slipped. If it wasn't for the single strap of my backpack throwing my balance off it would have ended differently. Had I not fallen to the concrete with a crash I could have slipped away with the dramatic eye contact left hanging in view. But that too now lie on the cold hard ground by my skinned palms.

"Fuck!" I spat out at the abrasion as I rolled to my back clutching one hand in the other as I spat a fowl string of words. Pulling my hands back I examined my palms. The millions of tiny gashes filled with dirt and ice melt burning as I blew on them. "Fucking ice!" I hissed waving the hands in a useless attempt to shake the pain from the tips of my fingers.

"Let me see..." A voice hushed as I looked up. My gray blue eyes locking on the singer's warm brown ones as he shifted his weight to his knees and sat beside me.

"It’s road-rash, I'm fine." I spoke as I regretfully brushed my hand on my jeans causing me to hiss.

"And this?" He asked bending my stiff knee to show a much larger gash under my now exposed knee cap where I tried to brace my own fall. My eyes widening as an usual amount of blood for a scrape bubbled over the fresh cut.

"Fuck!" I shouted pulling my knee closer to examine the damage before spitting out, "these were my favorite fucking jeans!"

"Classy..." Alex scoffed with a slight smile at me, taking hold on my wrists as he pulled the both of us to our feet. "Let’s just get you cleaned up before this ice salt gets them infected!" He spoke before pulling the shorter of us into a bridal hold. I let out a small shriek as he pulled me up and swiped my bag in one fluid motion. My hand moving to clutch his chest as he caught me off guard.

"Uh- uhm- Lex it’s just a scrape I can walk..." I stumbled over my words as I watched him. My eyes trailing over his face as he carefully crossed the road. His once pure and youthful face seemed older as it was pecked with unkempt stubble meaning he hadn't shaved since I'd last seen him. His soft eyes locked ahead as he climbed the few porch steps. I cleared my throat and looked forward knowing my longing eyes mixed with his mental absence made the whole thing seem like a sappy scene of some Disney movie.

"Clearly, you can't..." Alex picked up the line of conversation as he shoved his front door open and stepped inside, "otherwise you never would have tripped."

"I’m still capable of walking thank you very much!" I snipped sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

"Shut up and let me do this okay..." He chuckled climbing the stairs knowing well his parents always kept there medicine cabinet stocked with an assortment of odd creams and cleansing washed to clean the cuts. I puffed my chest as he ignored me and continued towards his parents’ bedroom. I was slightly annoyed that he was babying me knowing he was only doing it because of whatever Jack had told him. But my arguments ended when I realized this was the first time I had actually spoken to him since New Year’s. I had just assumed what everyone said was true and that he was sick, never thinking to call and bother him if he happened to be resting. But as I looked up at him then, he wasn't sick, not at all. He wasn't horse or feeble, he wasn't fatigue or green at all. If anything he simply looked tired, like he hadn't seen a bed since I'd last seen him as compared to supposedly living from one.

I thought about questioning him but before I could he was resting me on the counter top. The singer moving to shuffle through the cabinet for the correct creams and washes to use while I fiddled with my thumbs. Not before long would Alex lay down a few bottles and cotton pads and turn to me. His hand extending out for mine while he waited. My large eyes trained on the hand while I made no movements. I didn't really care about the cuts, they'd scab it’d be okay, but I just couldn't shake the mystery that was Alex Gaskarth.

Why he did the things he did, why he said certain things and didn't say others. He was just one big mystery to me. But I wasn't allowed to dwell on the boy before he pulled my hands from between my knees and cupped them in his. "This might hurt..." He hushed before dabbing a damp cotton pad to the scrapes. Me wincing as I ripped my hand from his.

"Fucking shit it might hurt!" I cursed and pulled my hand back to blow on the cuts.

"Jasey we have to clean them!" Alex dragged fighting my pull to gain access to the palms. "Just let me help."

"Why?" I hissed narrowing my eyes at Alex. My glare cold and ridged as it caught him off guard.

"So they don't get infected and icky!" He dragged cocking a brow and extending his hand. I pinched my lips into a fine line and reluctantly thrusted the limbs outward. Alex smiled lightly as he took a light hold of one and turned his back to me. My view of my hand now blocked by Alex as he stood with the base of his back to my knees. The boy letting out a sigh as his grip on my wrist pinched tight.

"OW ALEX WHAT THE FUCK!" I spat as Alex began to scrub at ,y palm. "ALEX YOUR HURTING ME LET GO!" I hissed as he did just that, only to let me curse as he took hold of my second hand and repeated the notion. "YOU’RE FUCKING NUTS!" I spat biting down on my lip as he squeezed my frail wrist. All my thoughts on the vice grip he had on me.

"There!" Alex piped up dropping my wrist and turning to face me.

"THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?" I yelled cradling my red wrists as I glared at the lanky boy.

"You have the mouth of a sailor!" Alex tisked ignoring my comment as he moved to dab an odd cream on a cotton pad.

"And you’re an ass!" I retorted as he took my hand in his, "what the hell was that for anyway?"

"So you didn't think about the stinging..." He explained unrolling my fist, "you were too busy thinking about me squeezing your wrist that you didn't even realize I cleaned your palms."

"Still hurt..." I muttered as he dabbed my hand.

"Watch your step next time then..." He muttered as I glared up at him causing the boy to chuckle. "Why were you walking home anyway?"

"Why weren't you?" I interjected, "you don't look all that sick."

"I may or may not have taken a mental health day, or four," he smiled falsely as his eyes flicked to me to see my frown. "But this isn’t about me."

"Then why am I here?" I grumbled slightly upset that he was absent for all the drama that was erupting around us for his "mental health week".

"So I can help you..." He cooed bending down to clean the larger gash on my knee. My eyes rolling at the ironic statement of how late to the pity parade he truly was.

"I don't need your- OW- help!" I spat as he pressed the pad to my knee causing me to wince.

"Well you got it!" He sighed dabbing the gash.

"Well I don't want it!" I hissed as his eyes slipped up to mind. He scanned my face in questioning as to where I was coming from. "I don't want your help, or Jack's, or Rian's or anyone’s!" I spat as my eyes grew red. Me taking a shaky swallow as I avoided his eyes. "I don't need anyone looking out for me."

Alex sighed as he looked up at me. The boy rose to his full height and pressed his palms to the counter on either side of my hips. His eyes locking on mine to reveal the tears pricking at my gray blue orbs. "This isn’t about the cuts is it?" He let his eyes slip shut as he sighed. I sat watching him. My lip getting caught between my teeth as I chewed on it. My eyes set on my lap as Alex let out a breath. "Talk to me..."

"There’s nothing to talk about." I muttered.

"Jasey don't..." Alex shook his head, "don't do this, not now."

"Do what?" I murmured looking at him with a cold glare. His features soft and lifeless. Like he was losing the will to fight for whatever I was pushing.

"This, don't you put up these walls because we want to help," he looked me in the eye as he placed a light hand to my hip. "Don't shut us out now, and especially don't shut me out."

"I’m not." I responded bitterly as I watched him with a careful eye.

"You are..." He dragged stepping closer to me, "and you know you are, you just rambled because I’m helping you clean these cuts, something you know needs to be done and that you wouldn’t do, but you sit here and look like your about to cry. Now Jasey I know you," he paused looking me in the eyes, "I know these scrapes hurt for about thirty seconds, you’re a hell lot tougher than this, so what’s going on?"

"Nothing..." I muttered blinking my eyes at the mention of my building tears.

"Jasey please don't shut me out..." Alex almost begged as he placed his second hand on my hip to grab my gaze.

"How am I shutting you out?" I scoffed pushing him back lightly by the chest, "you’re the one who's never around when I need you!"

Alex watched me dab my eyes with my sleeve. He wanted to retort and argue, but he and I both knew the truth in my statement. Even though he was "sick", it wasn't like the word of me and Tammy's scene never made it back to him, as well as his role in the argument. "I wanted to be there, trust me, I did!" He pleaded with a hushed tone as I shook my head.

"No Alex, if you wanted to be there for me you would have been." I grumbled looking into my lap as he watched me with pleading eyes.

"I’m here for you now!" Alex defended trying to get me to look at him again, trying to get any sign of mercy. "Doesn’t that count for something?"

"No" I spat. "It means you're capable of picking up Jack's call and cleaning a cut."

"I wanted to be there for you Jasey just listen-"

"Then why weren't you Alex?" I snapped, my eyes locking on his in an instant. A tornado of emotions brewing in my eyes as they clouded with tears but narrowed in rage, "why was I alone? If you’re so keen on being my night and shining armor you should know you’re supposed to save me, not help clean up after, and honestly, I don't want any of your help anymore, in sick of thinking you have my back to be fed to the wolves."

"I’m sorry Jasey, I’m more than sorry, let me prove to you that I can be there for you..." He begged.

"How Alex!?" I spilled with fresh tears pricking at my eyes, "because I don't know how much longer I can do this, how many more times does Riley have to come after me till you are finally there in time, how am I supposed to keep your word when I can't keep you around for more than a week!"

I never looked up to see Alex's glare grow cold. His fists clench as his jaw set, "what?" He all but snarled.

"It’s not important now..." I mumbled as the boy watched with unreadable look. "What’s done is done."

"Riley came after you?" He growled. Alex could physically feel his blood begin to boil at the thought. He was angry. At Riley. At himself. He didn't know anymore he was just mad. His fists clenched as he looked at me near tears. "Why didn't you tell me?" He asked coldly.

"How was I supposed to do that Alex!?" I retorted letting the volume of my voice rise.

"Just like Jack did!" He screamed causing me to recoil, "I mean fuck Jasey! Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"And say what Alex!?" I yelled back knowing my will to fight back my tears was slowly decreasing.

"Anything! Anything would be nice!" He yelled, "I don't want to lose you Jasey, I need to know what’s going!"

"I don't know what you want from me Alex!" I shouted finally letting a tear slip past my eyes, "Like what do you want me to say! That I’m scared, that- that I’m scared of losing you, I’m scared I’ve already lost you, that I’m scared of what Tammy knows, and what will happen! Like what the fuck do you want from me?" I shouted as tears kissed my cheeks, the boys heavy breathing an pacing stopped to watch me carefully, "No matter what I do or what you say I always have some issue dragging behind me, I’m not letting you get caught in this Alex just let it go!"

"Jasey no, you’re not taking the fall for this." Alex spoke, his eyes burrowing into mine with firmness though he knew if he as much as moved a muscle he'd break. All the things I was saying, all the emotions I was feeling pulled on his heart. I truly thought I was putting him in harm’s way when in reality it was him. And he was starting to believe he could no longer hold it in.

"Everyone keeps saying I deserve better, and the things that happened to me weren't fair, but maybe they were..." I mumbled as Alex shook his head furiously.

"Jasey no!" He snapped looking at my tear stained cheeks.

"I've always known I didn't deserve you as a friend, so it only makes sense that if I didn't have you, Riley would have raped me, because that’s what was intended for me." I concluded as silent tears slipped down my face, "maybe I deserved it."

"JASEY STOP!" Alex snapped grabbing hold of my tiny wrists to bring my eyes to his. My red puffy orbs looking up at him made his stomach churn. His voice dropped to a near whisper as he spoke, "don't say that please..."

"It’s true-"

"No Jasey its not!" Alex snapped back, "did he make you think this, did he say this to you!"

"Ale-"

"I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!" Alex interjected turning to smash his fist into the drywall creating a dusty dent as he screamed.

"ALEX!" I shrieked as I watched the boy slump to the tile floor.

"I'll fucking kill him!" He repeated in a softer tone that was still filled with rage.

"Alex stop!" I cried as I watching him pull at his hair. In one motion I fell to the floor beside my friend as I cried. Alex let his eyes fall shut as his own tears silently slipped past. His arms moving to pull me closer as he ran his fingers through the ends of my hair. I took a shaky breath as I pulled my head from his chest. My eyes locking on his as he lifted his hand. A delicate thumb ran over the slit in my lip causing my breath to catch in my throat.

"Did he hurt you?" Alex forced out in a whisper. I hesitated to shake my head. Nothing would come of me dragging this out. Nothing would be better if Alex tried to fight it, it would only cause more issues and put him in harm’s way if I let him do that. The two of us remained silent as he pressed his warm lips to my forehead before mumbling against my skin, "I won’t let him hurt you Jasey..."

For a moment I kept my eyes shut as I took a deep breath. He knew me. He knew something must have happened to cause me to be like this. "Alex" I whispered as my voice wavered, "I don't want you in the middle of this..."

"I don't care..." He hushed pulling me into his chest once again, "I’m not losing you to him."

"This isn’t your game to lose..." I responded as I fiddled with the soft collar of his shirt.

"I’ve already lost you once Jase, I'll never be ready to lose you again," he whispered as he buried his nose into my neck. "Tomorrow, I’m putting this all to an end."

"How?" I whispered with a deep breath.

"All you need to know is that I will never be willing to lose you again, and nothing will stand between us come tomorrow..."


And with that it would end. The two of us sitting entwined in each other’s arms while I slowly gave in to the waiting call of a nights rest, the steady beat of Alex’s heart in his chest lulled me to sleep while I sat in his lap. He would sit, wide awake while I rested, a hand being constantly run through my hair and down my back on a constant loop until he’d lean his head back agiainst the cool bathroom wall and whisper, “I just hope where strong enough to get through it.”

Notes

DUN DUN DUN!

these next few chapter's shit is GOING to get real! and you best better believe it!


you should all go subscribe to my updates story because im actually going to update that and kind of explain where the hell i have been but i am happy to say after these next few days updates will be frequent as hell!


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-Sarah :)