No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

I sat for a while in silence leaning against the door, mentally preparing myself for what Alex was about to say. Playing over story lines and possible outcomes that could spawn from one statement from him, I hated conversations like these. Conversations that you think about having with people in your dreams, or right before you fall asleep, deep conversations where you get everything off your chest and clear the air. But with those, you can think and makeup what you hope the other person would say, avoiding things you truly don’t want to talk about, the other person always saying the right thing so you can say what’s on your mind. But that’s not how real conversations like that work. There rocky and nerve racking and not knowing what’s about to come out of the other person’s mouth scares the crap out of me, one of the main reasons why I prefer to keep to myself around strangers. But what made this worse was that this was no stranger, the other person on the second side to this conversation was Alex.

“You still play soccer?” he finally spoke.

“Why are you actually here Alex?” I said ignoring his stupid question completely, seeing I’d rather not talk about the fact that my birth mother had managed to ruin that for me too and I quit in fear that she might show up to one of my games again.

“I’m here to talk to you.”

“Why though?” I spit.

“Because I thought we were friends Jasey.”

“Yeah, well, so did I” I snapped.

“Then why are you being rude, why did you pretend to not notice me, why did you run?”

“Because we aren't friends anymore Alex, you should know that, you were the one that ended this friendship, not me!” I yelled.

“What are you talking about?” he asked, “What did I do?”

“It’s what you didn't do Alex!” I yelled clearly beginning to get upset.

“Are you saying I was the one that ignored you?”

“Yeah Alex, I am, because that’s what happened!”

“I wrote you tons of letters!” he protested.

“Well I didn't get a single one!”

“I know Jasey.” He said his voice dropping immensely at the statement as it escaped his mouth.

“What do you mean you know?” I yelled. “So you admit to leaving me in the dust like I was nothing to you, ignoring my calls and texts. How was I supposed to deal with moving when the one person who knew me best dumped me like I was nothing?”

He took a deep breath and thought for a moment, “let me in” he spoke softly, and for some odd reason I did. I got to my feet turning the small nob on the handle releasing the lock and shortly after in stepped a timid Alex. I stepped back into my room as he entered and I dropped my head turning and walking to sit on the side of my bed that wasn't pressed to the wall, in silence Alex joined me sitting on the foot of my bed close to the window. He let out another deep breath looking down at his hands before speaking again.

“I wrote to you Jasey, I wrote you hundreds of letters.”

“Then where are they?” I spoke not letting my voice rise, “how come I never got a single one?”

“Because I could never bring myself to send them” He spoke as my head shot over to him, shooting him a confused look knitting my eyebrows together. “It was on the one year after you moved I burned all the letters I’d written, right before sophomore year started, I couldn’t write anymore. I couldn’t deal with not being your friend.” He mumbled not looking at me.

“It doesn’t count if you don’t send them Alex.” I said almost sounding mad again.

“What was I supposed to do Jasey, I was a kid, I still am a kid, and my best friend had just moved across the country I didn’t know how to deal with that.” he protested. “Don’t tell me it was a walk in the park for you, I know you called but Jasey what was I supposed to say, you were on the soccer team and making friends, I couldn’t hold you back, I never thought you would come back. What’s the point if I was never going to see you again?”

I looked up at him and I knew he was right, I had called, I had called all the time but I had no idea what I was going to say on the off chance he would pick up, I hadn’t thought it through all the way, all I knew was that I was in a bad place and I needed Alex, I didn’t know what I was going to say, and I had no expectations for him to say anything at all but just to hear his voice just once might have been enough. “But I wanted you to hold me back; I wanted you to just still be there with me.” I spoke barley above a whisper.

“But I wasn’t Jasey, I was here.”

I looked up at him and I could feel the tears collecting in my eyes and I tried to blink them away but they were stubborn, they didn’t budge, they just sat there in my eyes, threatening to spill over with every word and blink, anything I said or heard could send me over the edge. Alex had never seen me cry, and I wasn’t planning on him seeing me do it now. I looked up at him, and he looked just as crushed to know that when he cut his ties with me to spare himself, he hurt me too, more than he knew at that point or ever would. I would never tell him what losing him did to me, but I understand, I never told him I was planning on coming back, I hadn’t planned on it, I had planned on leaving and never looking back. So how can I blame him for not wanting to hold onto something he could never have? He didn’t know I’d be back, he thought I was gone forever. And in that I felt id hurt him more, I knew what was going through my head and what I was doing, but Alex was left in the dark.

“You didn’t even try to talk to me though Alex, you just cut me off!”

"Jasey please just believe me I didn’t know what to say or do to make you feel better, I didn’t know how to make you stay, it scared me you were leaving and I thought you were gone forever." He shouted, "What’s the point of holding onto something that’s gone! You clearly don't get that, that’s why you left cause you just couldn’t let go could you, not for yourself or Rian or anyone!"

"What that supposed to mean Alex!" I snapped knowing exactly where he was coming from, "I get my mom was finally dead and out of our lives, but you think the constant name calling and getting beat up wasn’t a reminder that I was this heartless fucked up kid, that I was no better than her!" I could feel my face getting red with rage as my voice grew higher and higher, "you think I wanted to remember her, that’s exactly what I didn’t want! Thanks for letting me know my issues are my fault though!"

"Jasey that’s not what I meant!"

"No Alex I know what you meant, I forced myself to leave cause I couldn’t let go of what my birth mom did to me, it’s fine I get it. I’ve known that since the day I left, I don't need to hear it from anyone else, especially not from you of all people, you know when I left I felt bad for leaving you but not anymore, just leave!" I snapped feeling the tears cascade down my face.

"Jasey I-"

"What the hell is going on up here?" I turned to see Rian standing just inside my doorway with a look of shock on his face. "Um Alex, maybe you should go home, I’ll see you Friday." He said in such a monotone voice it felt like I was being punched in the gut, his eyes never leaving mine as I sobbed.

I looked over as Alex’s mouth opened and closed hopelessly searching my features for the right words to say to make this okay, but there weren’t any, we would never be okay again.

“Alex.” Rian ushered grabbing the boy’s attention as his eyes left mine and he pushed himself off the bed storming past Rian.

Rian followed his angered friend down the stairs as I slammed my door shut falling back into it, sliding to the floor. I let the tears fall from my eyes as I bit my lip in a frantic effort to stop them. I never cried, especially never over something as low as my birth mother, I just couldn’t take anymore, after hearing what Alex truly thought on the matter, that it was somehow my fault, I lost it, I gave up on my internal war and broke. He didn’t even need to say the exact words, his eyes, and face, and emotions spoke for him, he was mad at me for leaving, like it was my fault. He knew why I left, and he abandoned me when I needed him most. How was I supposed to just forgive him for that, which was something beyond me, which I couldn’t bring myself to fix.

Notes