No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

The half an hour car ride home from the airport was long, silent, and awkward to say the least. I was tired, I loved my family, and I was more than overjoyed to be back. But as the town of Timonium, Baltimore County grew nearer, the antsier I got. The glare from Rian’s hopeful eyes burned deeper and deeper into my skin as we drove, like he was waiting for me to peal my eyes from the window to look at him, smile and say something, but I had nothing to say. In all honesty I feared that if I opened my mouth I would throw up right there and then. My anxiousness grew as we inched towards the boarder and every atom in my body was screaming at me that I should turn around, get on the next plain out of Maryland and go back to Washington before I got to deep, but the one thing telling me to stay, the one thing that ached for this town had the loudest voice of all, my heart, the thing I was sure had gone stone cold years ago had finally made its appearance, I was finally feeling something for the first time in years, and it was almost overwhelming. Do you know what it’s like to go from not feeling a thing and knowing only numbness for so long to feeling every possible emotion being thrown at you all at once, it was overwhelming to say the least and I felt as though I was going to bust at the seams. One thing and one thing only was pushing my anxiousness closer to the edge then the rest. The one person who pushed me out of there life when I thought I was forever. The one person who to that day, made me fear trusting people, letting people in in fear of being thrown out. What got me was I knew our lives would cross paths, and soon, very, very soon, and much sooner than I had ever anticipated or would have liked.

Rian had stayed, and remained level headed and at ease majority of the time unlike me, Rian had found his muse, a calling one might call it. Rian had his music, in a sense I didn’t, it wasn’t simply locking himself in his room with some speakers up eight notches to high like I was, he made his music, he lived it, and it was a part of him I never had in me. Shortly after my leaving Rian and his two other friends Jack and……… Alex, had found a basest for their makeshift band, a guy from Towson high to replace the old one, I had met the kid a few times prior to me leaving never thinking he’d be in a band with my brother, his name was Zack, and boy was he a sweet heart, but I wasn’t worried about him. I was worried about the one thing that broke me more than anything when I left, the thing I truly thought I could lean on just walking around my house causing me to be on edge, not knowing what he truly did to me. I was snapped out of my thought when our dad’s car came to a halt and he killed the engine, looking back at me one more time with a halfhearted smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes before silently getting out of the car. I looked down at my lap and let out a deep breath before following. I hopped out and walked around the front end of the car and met Rian at his side. The long white house was exactly as I remembered it, the wooden porch swing still hung to the left of the porch staircase and the large wooden door that sat more to the right was the same shade of mahogany.

In a continuing silence I mindlessly followed Rian up the walkway to the front steps. As he stepped up onto the front porch pushing towards the door I swallowed the lump that had made its presence known in my throat and turned around shooting a look across the road id been fighting back. My stomach tied in knots and I felt like I was going to throw up again as my eyes rested on the maroon painted house that sat across the street. I sat there for a moment halfway up the porch steps just wondering how someone could say you meant so much to them but be lying to your face, wondering how someone can so easily just disregard a person’s existence, why was I so easy to forget about. My eyes jolted from there fixed point on the house across from us as Rian called my name looking down at me from inside the house with pain stricken eyes. I shot him the most convincing smile I could muster up, all my joy had been washed from my body and my loving high was short lived. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so eager to leave the airport, seeing I must have left my happiness to being back there too. I cleared my throat stepping up the last step and following Rian down the front foyer. Not a moment later was my name called and I knew to whom the voice belonged, and a smile spread across my face as my pace quickened to reach the kitchen in the back of the house. And for that brief moment in time I felt home again, like everything I was worried about could be worried about later. I ran into the kitchen and saw the thin blond woman standing already with open arms.

“Jasey oh my god your so grown up!” was all Julie could say before I was wrapped in her arms. “How was your flight honey?”

“It was good!” I told her stepping out of her embrace and her warm hands cupped my small face, “It was long though!”

“I bet!” she laughed, “Why don’t you just go unpack your things upstairs and when your all done and set I can make us all something to eat, you must be starving!”

“Yeah I actually am” I laughed, “I forgot my bags in the car though!” I said turning to see my dad holding all three of my bags laughing at the comment I just made.

“How the hell did you carry these with you?” he said motioning to the bags.

“Um it was more of a dragging pulling motion then any actual carrying!” I laughed.

“Yeah well I'm going to go put these up in your room, then we should actually go grocery shopping Hun!” he said turning back around to head to the stair case and I spun on my heals to look back at the smiling mom and Rian who had found a spot at the island.

“I just can’t believe my babies actually home!” she said engulfing me in another hug.

“What the hell am I then?” Rian tried to yell in fake hurt but his comment was tailed with a chuckle.

“Please, you don’t need me, all you do is play drums and bath in your own filth, I love you enough on the rare occasion you pick up your socks to last you a month!” she laughed and we both turned to look at Rian.

Rian opened his mouth to retort but knowing her argument about his filth was mostly true all he could manage was a muffled, “Yeah so!” sending both Julie and I into a fit of laughter.

It didn’t matter that soon my world would probably be torn apart again and id be left hopelessly confused, till that point came I was going to enjoy myself. I was home with a mom and dad who loved me, a brother who missed me, and I bed I could call my own. “Okay now get on and unpack so we can all eat!” my mom laughed turning me around by the shoulders and patting me on the butt so I would move and I shot a look back at her laughing as she joined Rian at the island. I walked back down the hallway past the living room, dining room we never actually used, the office, and the door to the basement before reaching the stair case. Running my hand up the smooth railing I slowly made my way up stairs. When I reached the top of the stairs I was greeted by the same long wooden floored hallway that harvested doors to everyone’s bedrooms and a bathroom. I passed by Rian’s room with the door shut masking the mess that probably sat behind it, my parents room, the towel closet and the bathroom door that was shut presumably because my dad was in there. I reached the end of the hallway to the last door that held my room that was the house length’s wide. Letting out a deep breath I hadn’t known I was holding in I slowly opened the door. I stepped in tentatively opening my eyes and letting a wave of relief wash over me to see the room hadn’t changed, at all, it was like after I left no one had touched it, nothing was moved, like I had never even left. I stood in the doorway of the wide room, its walls where painted a light gray, that could be made out in the sparing places that were vacant of posters or sketches I had drawn years ago, the faint lingering sent of vanilla filled my nostrils. The wall across from me now held my white dresser, and two large windows that sat on either side illuminating the room with the flooding daylight. The back far left wall was my favorite, my bed was pressed up against it with the upper half painted with impressive chalkboard paint, and a makeshift white wooden shelf was placed where the black and the cluttered gray met. Beside me was a white table with a sheet of glass on top I had used as a desk, now all it held were old notebooks and candles. On the right wall was the door to my closet and wedged between the space the main door opened and my closet door was a tall white bookshelf riddled with dust, and knick knacks, and CDs, and well books. The middle of my room sat a few boxes of things I had planned to either take with me and hadn’t, or things that really should be just shoved in the attic, and beside them my bags.

I dragged my feet across the floor and threw myself onto the bed, twisting myself so I was on it properly and not having my lower half hang off onto the floor burying my face into my pillows and simply running my hands up and down the light gray and baby blue bedding I had so long yearned for. Pulling myself off my bed I stumble to the mirror that hung from the back of my closet door and looked at myself. I looked at myself from head to toe. My chocolate brown hair that was nearly pin straight and fell midway down my back, my pale soft skin, my sharp gray blue eyes that were such a color they could pass as a storm cloud most days. My nose ring, small frame and frail limbs, and my short stature; Sure Rian and I had the same white teeth and light hearted laugh but I hardly looked like him or our father. I looked like her, like my birth mother. I didn’t have sun kissed skin, or soft brown eyes; I didn’t have long limbs or a widow’s peak. Rian and I hardly looked the same age, let alone twins; it was no surprise to me why I hated looking at myself in the mirror, and the constant reminder of the monster whom I spawned from always looking back at me. My fists clenched at the very thought of her. She’s gone, and I'm not going to let her bring me down anymore, I needed a quick distraction. Something to just take my mind off of her, I rummaged quickly through my bags in a desperate search for the small plastic case that would be my escape for a short while, I knew I packed it for Washington, I had listened to the specific CD numerous times. My searching became frantic as every pocket came up empty. I didn’t leave it in Washington did I? I couldn’t have? Maybe I did. Great.

I pushed myself up off the floor with no time to waste I needed that CD, and I needed it now. I pulled open my bedroom door and stumbled over my own two feet down the hallway, fumbling down the staircase into the foyer. I give a tug at the handle of the heavy front door and heard Rian call after me, “Wait where are you going?”

“On a walk!” I snapped in a harsher tone then I intended, but I was mad, mad at myself for letting myself get this upset over my birth mother, “I’ll be back for dinner!”

“A walk?” he replied getting up and standing in the entry to the hallway.

“Yeah, a walk!” I snapped once more before closing the front door with a thud behind me and storming down the front steps and across the lawn to the side walk.

I didn’t even give the house across the street or mine a second look as I made my way down the street to cut across the park to get to the center of town. When I reached the grass of the park my pace quickened to a rushed jog, disregarding any and all stoned walkways and weaving through the trees, in search of the record shop just inside the town center. My phone buzzed against my back pocket and fishing it out I disposed of it back where it came from seeing it was Rian who had texted me as I continued in pursuit of the small shop. Rian was my brother, and often times my best and only friend, but sometimes I just needed a break from him, he worried far too much and stressed me out with his worrying. I was starved and exhausted from the trip and I walked leisurely along the side walk when I reached the center because I couldn’t find it in myself to run anymore and fiddled a hand through my hair raking it out of my face. I reached the shop I was looking for and pushed on the glass door sending the bell overhead to chime acknowledging my entrance. I quickly filed through the rows and rows of dusk cluttered vinyls and plastic CD cases in search for the one I had come to replace. I calmly ran my hands over the cases under the band’s name grabbing my most loved Green Day CD and clutching it closely to my chest as I walked to the cash register like my life depended on it. Quickly handing the cashier my money with shaking hands telling her to keep the change as she handed me the thin plastic bag and I took it sending the young girl a genuine smile before turning towards the door, as my eyes graced the floor and I began to walk the bell chimed and my eyes rose up.

My feet planted themselves firmly on the ground, refusing to move no matter how loud my mind was yelling at me to run, and run far away. My body refused to do anything but stare at the scene in front of me and hope that I would regain movement soon and slip away without them noticing. Two boys now stood in front of me, large genuine smiles plastered on each of their faces as they pushed one another back and forth. Both tall and thin, the one taller one with long lanky limbs and a squirrely presence had his black hair spiked and mussed in the back and slicked down across his forehead to one side in the front, and bleach blond streaks running through it. My gut sank to my butt when his smiling brown eyes locked on mine and his countenance dropped. “Jasey?” his mouth worded my name though his tone was not audible to my ears. My whole body gave in and my face dropped looking to the ground as I walked forward right at the two boys, hoping to escape to the door without a second look. “Jasey?” he repeated this time his tone clear as day but I kept my eyes down. Then I heard him speak, and I thought I would swallow my tong. “Jack what are you talking about?”

“Jasey” was all he could choke out and I could see his arm lifting to point at me as I passed shutting my eyes not wanting this to be real, for this all to just be some dream, that I was about to wake up in Washington, for what was about to happen to not be real.

“It can’t be her jack, she’s gone.” I heard him speak as I reached the door hesitating to place my hand on the cool black metal bar. He didn’t know I was back, I could walk out and end it all, put it off till I was ready. But that’s not why I came back, I came back to bite my problems in the butt and he was one big problem. I swallowed my pride opening my eyes and glancing over at the two. Jack was still staring at me, dumbfounded. But the other, he had gone back to searching the discs on the end shelf.

Jack elbowed the young boy in the gut grasping his attention; he looked, up his eyes shifting to jacks before following his stare like a spot light and his eyes fell on me. His once soft brown eyes burned wholes into me from where he stood as his expression slowly changed, and the smile ran away from his face as images of the scared girl he’d remembered flashed back in forth comparing them to the girl I now was standing before him. Taking in how much id changed but was truly still the same. “Jasey?” he spoke my name and my heart clenched, I wanted to cry right there, why did I come back, this was stupid. I pressed my lips into a fine line and pushed at the door sounding the bell and started to walk pacing down the side walk, till I heard the bell chime a single time and my name being called out. I didn’t run or walk faster, instead I slowed to a normal pace, hoping that he’d be searching for someone to run, to stand out from the rest of the people walking about, and I tried to hopelessly blend in. I closed my eyes as his hand grasped my wrist pulling at me to turn around and face him.

“Let go of me!” I snapped.

“Jasey is that you?” he asked completely disregarding my statement.

“I’m going to say this once more,” I spoke sternly but not yelling, “Let. Go. Of. Me.”

“No” he simply said, “Jasey Rae Dawson is that you?”

All I did was drop my head and bite my lip giving him the answer he needed, “Let go of me!” I said but my tone failed me.

“No Jasey! The hell!” he nearly shouted. “Look at me.”

“Alex let go of me!” I shouted pushing him off as he met my eyes as let me go.

Id blown it, now he knew, he knew I knew him; he knew I was me, it was all over. For a while I just stared at him as he stared back at me. Eyes I hadn’t seen in two years. He’d changed of course; he had grown a lot, and was a ways taller than me, closer to Rian height, at least six foot. His red brown hair was messy and hung over his large forehead he both knew he had. The only thing that was exactly the same was his deep brown eyes. Eyes I had spent so many days and nights looking into telling myself I wouldn’t have to go a day without seeing. Eyes that had belonged to the boy I had once called a friend. But he wasn’t my friend. Not anymore. He had dropped me, disregarded me as a person all together let alone as his friend, like I was dead to him. He knew what I was going through, he knew why I left, he knew everything and told me he’d always be by my side. He was an ass and above all he was a liar. His eyes scanned my face and my whole being searching for answers, anything.

“You’ve changed.” He finally spoke meeting my gaze once again.

“I grew up.” I snapped.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming back?” he asked in a barley understandable tone talking into his chest.

“Maybe because we aren’t friends!” I snapped, this causing his head to shoot back up from his feet to look at me.

“What do you mean?” he said scrunching his eyebrows together.

“I mean what I said, we aren’t friends Alex.” I told him, “You want to argue how people change; you’d know everything that happened to me if you ever once bothered to pick up a damn phone!”

“Jasey I-”

“Alex save the bullshit, I honestly don’t want to hear it, you can ask jack how I'm doing because he had the decency to be a good person and I'm done, and I have to unpack.”

I turned and stormed off down the side walk not even wanting to hear another word spill from that boy’s mouth. This was exactly what I needed right now shit was messed up enough as is and I don’t need happy go lucky Gaskarth popping up out of nowhere thinking we can pick up where we left off cause we cant. I moved away and he just forgot about me, not a single phone call, or a text, or a letter or anything, nothing, not even a sign he had tried to contact me. I had even called him and he would let it ring then reject my call. I thought he was my friend. Cassadee kept in touch with me, Jack kept in touch with me, Alex hadn’t even tried, and of course it was him I would bump into first. I was thinking about running to Cassadee’s house, she knew I was coming back. I was happy Alex didn’t know I was back at first, that’d meant Cass didn’t tell him I was coming back; at least I had one friend who could keep a promise. I thought that maybe running to Cass’s house would be a good idea I needed a friend right now, but she lived too far to walk in the other direction and she would tell Alex if I just showed up at her doorstep. I didn’t want to go home, Alex lived right across the street there was no escaping him. As I sat at the street corner waiting for the light to change allowing me to cross when I heard my name being called out. I turned and saw no other then Alex running up the street.

“Come on come on come on!” I said to myself agitated that this light was taking so long. The light turned and I looked over my shoulder as Alex was two buildings away still and I began to run. I had no idea why I was running, I could have stopped and told him to leave me alone but instead I ran. I didn’t want to talk to him. He wasn’t my friend anymore. I hated him. He had forgotten about me and now he thinks he can just flash a smile and act like he didn’t do anything wrong and I’ll just go with it and we can hug it out and be best friends, well he’s wrong, Dead wrong if he thinks that. He knew there were only so many people I trusted, and he knew he was one of them, yet he so easily threw me away. He knew about the shit with my mom and how she treated me even before she got sick. It was him who I had wanted to turn to when shit got hard in Washington, not Jack, or Cass, or Rian, or Julie, or even my dad. No, I didn’t want them; I wanted Alex, my childhood best friend. The guy I would turn to for anything and the guy I could sit and watch the same stupid movie over and over again but I didn’t care because he was my best friend. He was supposed to be the type of friend you have till you grow old and is the god parent to your children. He was supposed to be my best friend and he had forgotten about me like I was nothing. And there I was running from him. Why did he even care, it’s like now that I was back he could feel bad about dumping me as a friend, no he should never have cut me off to begin with. Why was I running, this was his fault. I reached my house and ran up the few steps to the porch and pushed the door open slamming it behind me and I heard Rian yell at me for making so much noise. I ran up the stairs and locked my bedroom door. I pressed my back against it and slid down to the floor. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back trying to catch my breath. When I lifted my head opening my eyes the room grew hazy and there was a knocking on my window. I looked dead ahead at one of the two large windows to see Alex perched on the roof of the edition that hung outside my window.

At first I let out a small yelp and sat up on my knees staring at him. I got to my feet knowing he would not just leave on his own. I had to settle this once and for all. I walked up to the window placing my palms on the warm sun heated glass and pushed it open and looked into his eyes. For a while neither of us said anything. He just stared at me and I stared right back but with a much different tone in my eyes. I didn’t want to talk to him; couldn’t he see that, he could take the hint any other time but not now, really? I raised my eyebrows at him “well?” I spoke finally cutting this rope of an awkward silence that may have well of been wrapped around my neck. He looked back at me and looked almost confused.

“Well Alex, you just chased me through town, climbed onto my roof, and now you’re just going to stare at me.” I said.

“Huh?” he repeated his facial motion.

“Are you actually going to say something so I can tell you to fuck off and leave me alone or are you just going to stand here for an hour or two and stare at me like an idiot?” I snapped.

“Okay Jasey Cut the shit, I’m done with the snarky comments why are you being cold towards me” he said.

“I’m not being cold I’m being fare.” I said crossing my arms, which I rightfully was.

“How is completely ignoring me when I tried to talk to you being fare!” he pleaded. “What did I ever do to you!?”

“Did you really just ask me that?” I shouted. “God you’re unbelievable, that’s exactly what you did to me!” for a while I just stared at him, he looked back at me like he had no idea what I was talking about.

“When did I ever do that to you?”

“Honestly Alex you are so unbelievable!” I shouted, “And if you don’t mind I have to get ready for dinner.” And I slammed the window shut and walked out of my bedroom.

God what a pinhead, I mean he was always pretty narrow minded but this, this was ridiculous. I ran downstairs and I looked into the driveway and I didn’t see my Dad’s truck, I heard Rian on his drum set in the basement and I smiled at the slight fact that he was still playing, but that smile was quickly slapped off my face by the reality that he was still playing, but in a band with Alex. God I had just gotten here and he was all over the place. I just wanted one day, one day to myself. But I guess that would be too much for my once again extraordinarily high expectations. I ran back upstairs and into my room to drown out the now dreadful sounds of the drums that made it feel like Rian may as well have stuck one set of drum sticks in my ears and used a second to play little drummer boy on the top of my head. I looked over to see Alex was now thankfully gone from my roof.

The whole room felt like it was spinning, and I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown right there. I needed him two years ago and he was nowhere to be found and now every time I will have to look at him it would just remind me of the fact he had left me stranded in the middle of shark infested waters and it would just remind me of the shark that still haunts me in my dreams, the shark that downright ate me alive in the cold waters. I was left all alone. I was left alone in Washington, now it’s my choice. He wasn’t allowed back into my life, he had his chance, he threw it away like a used tissue and I couldn’t give in and just let him have the opportunity to throw me away once again. I was not some water bottle that can be recycled and thrown away when ever, I’m a human being, and I didn’t think I could trust Alex with my emotions, not again, at least certainly not then. I shot my head up and noticed my breathing had gotten quite heavy and I was curled in a ball leaning against the back of my door. I heard the front door slam open and closed and feet running up the stairs. Before long the footsteps reached my door and came to a halt. A hand lifted letting out soft muffled knocks.

“Go away!” I shouted.

“Jasey please open up” Alex spoke in a soft tone I hadn’t heard in years, “Please just talk to me.”

“What’s there to talk about Alex!” I shouted through the door.

“A lot, and you know it… just please Jasey.” He pleaded holding onto that soft tone.

“Fine.” I let out a sigh leaning my head against the back of the door, “Talk, I’ll open the door when you make a good enough argument.”

I heard Alex let out a sigh and fiddle his fingers against the door before he spoke. He sat pondering the idea because he must have come to the conclusion that a conversation with me on the topic at hand through a closed door was better for everyone then no conversation at all.

Notes