No Pads… No Helmets… Just Memories!

As I was yanked back into the booth Alex was thrown on stage and stumbled at the mic in a struggle to catch his weight on his toes. Even over the heads of the packed basement bar filled with kids from both Zack and our schools his flustered mind was clearly painted across his features. “Uhm Hi.” he called out when he reached the mic causing a string of chuckles to pass through the room at a nervous side to Alex no one had clearly seen before. “Um I’m Alex!” he called out trying to shake the jitters from his head, “Over here we have my good buddy Zack!” the crowd made up of Zack’s friends let out hoots and howls at his name causing the boy to blush, “on drums we have my man Rian!” he spoke more confidently as Rian let his sticks ripple over the drum heads before sending a light wave out to the flooded room. “And that’s Jack, he’s probably sleeping with your mom so you already know who he is!” Alex laughed before turning to the crowd and adjusting his guitar over his shoulder. "And we are All Time Low!" he spoke shooting the room his famous crooked smile.



“If y'all don't mind we're going to kick off tonight’s show with a song that's off our new album that has yet to be named... or finished.” He smiled looking around the room clearing his throat before grasping the mic, “But it’s called the party scene, and I hope you like it, and if you don't,” he paused, “Then go fuck yourself, I don't know!” the comment causing the room to vibrate with laughter and giggles as they all began to play in a stiff harmony.



I had easily recognized the song from the muffled riffs that had found their way to my bedroom on the many restless afternoons where I would halt my studying or sketching to let my door open a crack and allow their music to lightly fill the air. the song was nice and catchy and was easy to get lost in. I wish I could say I liked it as much as the next song they played which must also be new when they introduced it as Noel. When the song came to an end and they slipped into The Next Best Thing which I recognized right away from their first EP they had put together. I remembered when Rian had sent me out the first copy he got just the previous year and how proud I was that everything was falling into place and he was following his dreams. I was happy I would no longer be apologizing to Rian for missing shows or not hearing their new songs as they came out and I could actually be around while they made their first full length album and I was more than proud.



it wasn't till Alex got on the mic that I had to laugh at him apologizing for realizing they hadn't quite put together enough new songs to fill a set and not look like a “shit show” as they dedicated their next song to the band who gave them motivation as they slipped into the first few notes of Blink 182's dammit. I squealed loving this particular song as I reached over the table taking grasp of Andrea and Cass’s wrists to pull them towards the crowd to join the dancing room.



I had to admit they were good, damn good for what they were. I could already tell they were going places, that Rian was going to do what he’s always wanted and my childhood friends would get to do what they loved every day. I danced with Cass and Andrea and jumped up and down to the music as we soaked in their talents with wide toothed smiles as we tried to catch our breaths when the song slowed to an end.



“Alrighty Guys!” Alex laughed adjusting the mic on the stand to pull up his skinny jeans before he pushed his sweat soaked bangs from his face. “Sorry to say but the managers giving me that look that we suck SO BAD that we have one song left!” Alex winked in the direction of the bar where I could only assume the manager was standing with a chuckle, “the last song I want to play is actually the last song off our EP. I know we were aiming to play new songs tonight, but there are always exceptions am I right?” Alex laughed scanning the crowd as they all began to hoot and holler at the boys even I joined in yelling and clapping gaining giggles from Cass and Andrea.



Alex cleared his throat a single time before he shot a glance up as he stumbled to pull the pick from its place on the stand, “This song holds a special place in my heart, so for all of you that know it I encourage you to join me with your angelic voices.” he smiled, “It’s called Memories That Fade Like Photographs and it goes a little like this…” he spoke calmly dropping his eyes as Rian clicked his sticks together a few times and they all fell into the song. I had never heard the song, Rian had scribbled over the blank CD case to never listen to the last track, and I never did. It wasn’t until Alex’s eyes darted up, falling directly on me that I knew there must have been a reason why Rian had told me not to listen to it, maybe it was Alex getting his rage out on me being a bitch, or maybe it was him being thankful I was gone. A few heads turned to me as Alex’s stare grew less than subtle when his mouth dropped open and his gaze didn't budge. Alex’s voice rippled through the room and by the first verse alone I knew why Rian had told me to steer clear of the track,



I said I'd never forget your face
Vaulted away inside my head
And memories never seem to fade
You were the best part of my life, my last regret


I kind of wished I hadn’t avoided the song, maybe I wouldn’t have stayed in Washington so long, maybe I would have come back and said I was sorry instead of waiting two years to have him play this with me around to know what I did and had choked on my words prior trying to say what I should have a long time ago.



Now I've walked this line a thousand times before
It hurts too much to bear
For you, I'd tear out my own heart
And write our names together


My heart sank even lower into my chest with a new found clench of guilt, I wished the song was about him being happy I left, or maybe just being angry at me, but not this. Not him being hurt by me. I knew I hurt him, and bad, but to hear him say it, to sing it. Was a whole other ball game I would never have been prepared for.

Your love is the barrel of a gun
So tell me, am I on the right end?
I could be nothing but a memory to you
Don't let this memory fade away

I had to get out of there I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t bare to look at Alex’s eyes a moment longer as they pierced back at me with their warm loving color after what I had become. I had to get out of there. Ignoring all the shocked and questioning gazes as I shoved my way through the crowd and darted for the door. I couldn’t make it to the end of the song, I couldn’t face Alex. I had to get out of there.


I could hear the hitch in Alex's voice as I pushed through the crowed and all but darted for the door trying to hide my growing red eyes from the rest of the crowd. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I placed my hand on the metal bar of the door.



"JASEY!" A voice called out as the music came to a screeching halt at the singer’s outburst. I choked down my air as I turned my head to see confusion woven through his features. All I could do was bite my lip to halt the tears building in my eyes and mouth an "I'm sorry" before pushing the door open and darting up the stairs. Running away again, like always. When things got too difficult or too emotion I just threw in the towel and ran away. Maybe I’d never be able to tell Alex how sorry I truly was, maybe I was in too deep to be salvaged.



I could hear the clash of equipment and a yelling room of classmates as I reached the front door to the pub. "JASEY WAIT!" I heard him call as I choked on my sobs fighting to keep them inside as I pooled out the door. I began to run down the road till my name was called out again and I skidded short on my heels. "JASEY WAIT!" He repeated, the sound of desperation in his plea was so evident it hurt. I turned around to see Alex standing with his mouth ajar as he stood with his hands out at his sides. "Jasey, wha...huh?" He asked desperate for answers as my breathing quickened and I could feel myself growing light headed.



I tried to blink away the tears as they blurred my vision and Alex slowly approached. "Jasey, what is it?" He asked stopping a few feet before me as if in fear if he got too close I would act like a rabbit and retreat. I had not a thought in my mind as I finally did what I should have done the moment I laid eyes on him in that music shop.



"Alex!" I sobbed his name letting the tears fall as I sprinted the few feet throwing myself into his arms. "I’m so sorry!" I sobbed as he hesitated to wrap his arms around me. "I’m so sorry!" I repeated burying my face into his chest.



“Hey, hey, hey,” he hushed, “What's wrong?”



“I messed up Alex,” I cried as he pulled away and cupped my face in his hands, “I messed up real bad.”



“No you didn’t!” he cooed wiping my tears with his thumbs, “You did nothing wrong.”



“How can you say that Alex?” I cried, “I fucked up!”



“Sh, Shh, Sh” he hushed pulling me into a tight hug as his arms wrapped around my small frame, “its okay Jasey.”



“No it’s not Alex” I sobbed clutching at the fabric covering his back as my body was wracked with sobs that had been begging to be released for years, “I fucked up, my mom won and I lost you!”



“Hey, hey, hey!” he said pulling my head into his hands once again, “look at me, you didn’t lose me, if you lost me I would have never sang that song, or even written it, and I sure as hell wouldn’t be standing here right now, nothing you do could ever be bad enough for me to leave your side for good, okay?”



All I could do was grace the ground with my eyes as silent sobs caused my lip to quiver and shake no matter how hard I bit down on the flesh.



“Hey,” Alex spoke calmly lifting my chin so my eyes met his, “I mean it.” he reassured me, "You and me will always be something no matter what. Always."



I did all I could as a smile spread across my lips and I collapsed into his arms once again, “Alex, I’m so sorry!” I cried.



“I know you are” he spoke into my hair rocking us from side to side, “you wouldn’t be like this if you weren’t.”



“Alex” I sobbed as my breathing began to slow down.



“Mhmm” he hummed.



“I’m sorry I ruined your show.” I sniffled.



“Nonsense,” he laughed as I felt his chest rumble with the vibrations of his voice, “You’ll just have to make it up to me by never missing a show again!”



I looked up into his warm eyes as the edges crinkled with the famous Gaskarth smile as it wavered up his features and I hopped off the ground to wrap my arms around his neck and burry my face into the crook where it met his shoulder leaving my feet to dangle inches off the ground.



"Come on" he spoke bending down to place my feet on the ground as he entwine his fingers with mine and pulled me forward, away from the pub.



"Where are we going?" I questioned with a shaky voice.



"My house." He said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world as i looked up at him with wide eyes admirering how calm and stable he had been through that entire minor break down, like he was waiting for it, anticipating, ready for it to happen.



"Uhm Alex, not trying to ruin this whole emotional moment and all but you have a show to finish."



"Fuck 'em!" He laughed stopping in his tracks and turning to me to take my second hand in his. "There's a pack of Milano cookies at my house with your name on them!"



"Really?" I smiled knowing they were his favorite and he would up and leave someone on the side of the road for eating them without his permission.



"No." He laughed wiping the remaining tears and smeared mascara from under my eyes, "but it’s cute you think I’d give you some."



"You’re an ass!" I laughed lightly pushing his hands from my eyes.



"Tell you what," he started re-entwining our fingers, "you can have ONE, but only if you stay the night!"



"Alexander William!" I gaped smacking a hand across his chest.



"No like that!" He cooed dropping his head to hide the smile that hinted at his lips.



"Do I even really have a say?" I smiled as he glanced over at me sending me a warm smile.



"Nope!" He smiled as he continued to pull me through town towards our street.

Notes