I wish I could
Breaking down (Alex POV)
Things had gotten progressively worse. My dreams were so bad that I blacked out almost every night from hyperventilating. It all added up to about one to two hours of sleep per night. During the day, I fell asleep all the time but I also couldn’t stand anyone touching me unexpectedly or anything else unexpected.
I just wanted this all to end.
Jack talked to me. It scared the hell out of me because I had never had anyone care about me like that. But at the same time, it made me smile the tiniest bit every time I thought about it.
The only time I felt alive was during shows. Seeing the fans scream, singing along, jumping, was about the only thing that made me feel really good.
Still, this needed to get better. After thinking for a very long time, I decided the nightmare were the worst, so to solve this, I would simply stop sleeping. For the tiredness, I would take loads of caffeine pills and energy drinks. In the back of my mind I knew this was a bad idea but I was already too sleep deprived to think properly.
So I bought all sorts of caffeine. I started my day after standing up with 3 pills, 2 drinks and a coffee. During the day, I took some whenever I needed it. I was able to do it for three days. Then, the whole thing collapsed, my beautiful façade.
It was at the dinner table. Everyone was munching away when Matt told me something.
“Alex, stop eating like a pig. You will get fatter!”
It hit me with such an impact that I couldn’t breathe. The sleep deprivation had made me so weary that I could feel the tears burning in my eyes, blinding me, even before anyone had reacted.
I stood up and left, all while crying. My silent tears soon developed into full sobs, my body shaking. I hurried to the bathroom to cry undisturbed behind closed doors.
Jack tried desperately to get in there and talk to me. He seemed really worried.
“Alex! Please open the door!” I could hear him begging from outside, but I just panicked. What if Matt had been serious? I was really breaking down right now, every cell of my body was screaming. I wanted this to end. I paced around the tiny room. The walls seemed to come closer and closer, threatening to suffocate me.
“Alex?” Jack had gotten very quiet. I could hear him frantically searching for his phone as he was calling out to people where it was. What did he plan on doing?
“Alex, I am going to call 911 if you don’t let me in. I am really worried that you will do something stupid. Do you understand?” he said slowly.
My insides were burnt by a new wave of hot panic, my head starting to pound and my vision blurring a bit. I thought about it. Then, I opened the door just a tiny creak and peeked out. It was indeed Jack. I looked at him through my tear-filled eyes and let him in. He looked stressed and hugged me immediately after he had closed the door.
“Lex, what are you doing? What’s the matter?” he asked softly. I needed to think this through. I couldn’t just tell him about my issues, he would think I was crazy. But my mind was running wild, producing worst-case-scenario after worst-case-scenario. I held my aching head trying to think clearly.
It did not work. I needed this to stop. Now. I splashed cold water in my face and felt at least a bit cooler. But it was not enough. I sunk down to the bathroom floor and started crying again. Jack was by my side in a heartbeat, holding me tight and gently shushing me.
We were disturbed by Matt shouting from outside. “Jack, come here now. Leave Alex alone, he is not your boyfriend!”
My tears began flowing again and my breathing got shallow and fast again. It was true. I was just worthless, Jack should be somewhere else. But the younger one did something that surprised me.
“Fuck off Matt, you caused all this. I’m just helping pick up the pieces from what you destroyed! And we are not doing anything relationship-y inside here so you can just pack your goddamn jealousy and get the fuck away if you’re not going to help!” he said loudly, although he seemed a bit scared. I stopped crying in surprise and looked up. Jack standing up for me?
“You will pay for this, Barakat,” Matt hissed outside before storming away.
This all had proved to me that Jack really cared and that I could trust him. But that left me with important questions. Why was Jack doing this? How much should I tell him?
I just wanted this all to end.
Jack talked to me. It scared the hell out of me because I had never had anyone care about me like that. But at the same time, it made me smile the tiniest bit every time I thought about it.
The only time I felt alive was during shows. Seeing the fans scream, singing along, jumping, was about the only thing that made me feel really good.
Still, this needed to get better. After thinking for a very long time, I decided the nightmare were the worst, so to solve this, I would simply stop sleeping. For the tiredness, I would take loads of caffeine pills and energy drinks. In the back of my mind I knew this was a bad idea but I was already too sleep deprived to think properly.
So I bought all sorts of caffeine. I started my day after standing up with 3 pills, 2 drinks and a coffee. During the day, I took some whenever I needed it. I was able to do it for three days. Then, the whole thing collapsed, my beautiful façade.
It was at the dinner table. Everyone was munching away when Matt told me something.
“Alex, stop eating like a pig. You will get fatter!”
It hit me with such an impact that I couldn’t breathe. The sleep deprivation had made me so weary that I could feel the tears burning in my eyes, blinding me, even before anyone had reacted.
I stood up and left, all while crying. My silent tears soon developed into full sobs, my body shaking. I hurried to the bathroom to cry undisturbed behind closed doors.
Jack tried desperately to get in there and talk to me. He seemed really worried.
“Alex! Please open the door!” I could hear him begging from outside, but I just panicked. What if Matt had been serious? I was really breaking down right now, every cell of my body was screaming. I wanted this to end. I paced around the tiny room. The walls seemed to come closer and closer, threatening to suffocate me.
“Alex?” Jack had gotten very quiet. I could hear him frantically searching for his phone as he was calling out to people where it was. What did he plan on doing?
“Alex, I am going to call 911 if you don’t let me in. I am really worried that you will do something stupid. Do you understand?” he said slowly.
My insides were burnt by a new wave of hot panic, my head starting to pound and my vision blurring a bit. I thought about it. Then, I opened the door just a tiny creak and peeked out. It was indeed Jack. I looked at him through my tear-filled eyes and let him in. He looked stressed and hugged me immediately after he had closed the door.
“Lex, what are you doing? What’s the matter?” he asked softly. I needed to think this through. I couldn’t just tell him about my issues, he would think I was crazy. But my mind was running wild, producing worst-case-scenario after worst-case-scenario. I held my aching head trying to think clearly.
It did not work. I needed this to stop. Now. I splashed cold water in my face and felt at least a bit cooler. But it was not enough. I sunk down to the bathroom floor and started crying again. Jack was by my side in a heartbeat, holding me tight and gently shushing me.
We were disturbed by Matt shouting from outside. “Jack, come here now. Leave Alex alone, he is not your boyfriend!”
My tears began flowing again and my breathing got shallow and fast again. It was true. I was just worthless, Jack should be somewhere else. But the younger one did something that surprised me.
“Fuck off Matt, you caused all this. I’m just helping pick up the pieces from what you destroyed! And we are not doing anything relationship-y inside here so you can just pack your goddamn jealousy and get the fuck away if you’re not going to help!” he said loudly, although he seemed a bit scared. I stopped crying in surprise and looked up. Jack standing up for me?
“You will pay for this, Barakat,” Matt hissed outside before storming away.
This all had proved to me that Jack really cared and that I could trust him. But that left me with important questions. Why was Jack doing this? How much should I tell him?
Notes
Awhy look, a tiny bit of Jalex developing! c:What do you hink will happen next?
By the way, this story has already more than 30 subscribers and is featured on the popular page! Thank you so much, I am amazed! :3
-Laura
@NONAMETAGD
aaahh I really don't know? I get so bad with sequels, I still haven't finished Chased by the Future and also I'm really into Homeless right now.
I guess I can maybe make one chapter as a sequel and post it in here if I find the time to do so if more people want me to do it? :)
1/23/14