I wish I could

I got out of hospital 2 days later. Jack brought me home and had me lie down. I was still very weak and not allowed to take any medication so when evening time rolled around, I got scared of the night and possible nightmares.

Jack left the room to do some things in the kitchen. I was curled up under my blanket, and my brain started to overthink like always.

Alex, you will have nightmares again. It will be really bad. You will have flashbacks. You are dumb for having all this. You are so fucked up. And worthless. Maybe you deserve this.


I tried desperately to block it out but it didn’t work. Tears started to roll down my cheeks as the anxiety flooded me. The cold feeling starting to grow inside me, threatening to suffocate me. I pulled the blanket over my head and embraced myself while I cried into the soft fabric. I tried to be as quiet as possible while silently screaming. I was trembling and feeling very sick.

Suddenly, something touched my back. I jumped before the panic started. I was breathing really, really fast and things started to be weird. But a voice reached me.

“Lex, it’ll be okay. Take deep breaths.”

I tried to do as Jack said but the voice inside me started screaming abuse louder and louder. I struggled to breathe at all to be honest. So I tried to breathe a bit more now and it seemed to work. Jack started to carefully pull away the blanket from my face. The fresh air hit my face and calmed me down quite a bit.

“Lex, is it okay if I hug you?”

I nodded slowly and felt two strong arms wrapping around me not long after. It took me by surprise but I burst into tears.

“Shh, my little mushroom. It will all be okay. Shh.” Jack cradled me in his arms and I cried for a long time. When I was slowly getting better, he asked me something.

“Alex, are you scared of nightmares?”

Just the mention of my scourge made me flinch. I suppressed the rising anxiety and nodded.

“Aww my poor baby. Look, if you want me to, I will stay with you tonight. I promise, you can wake me up if you have nightmares. I love you.”

I felt a bit better instantly, just the thought of Jack’s warm body spooning me was calming be down.
“Yes Jacky, please do that,” I said, voice still rough with sadness. He smiled at me.

“Come on, mushroom, brush your teeth with me!”

I heaved myself out of bed, already smiling a tiny bit. I entered the bathroom and we both brushed our teeth.

“You look hella cute, mushroom,” Jack grinned while ruffling my hair.

“I’m not your mushroom,” I protested lamely. But he just grinned more and kissed my forehead.
“Now, into your bed, hush, hush,” he said while pushing me towards the bedroom. I frowned.
Anxiety started rising again. Jack sensed it and when he had finally gotten me into bed, he hugged me and rubbed my back while singing a little song for me. It was incredibly cute and when I was almost asleep, I could hear him say something.

“Lex, you should wake me up if you need anyone.”

With this, I drifted off to sleep the hint of a smile on my lips.

Notes

Aw aw aw! I'm still very ill and I have some kind of writers block, it's quite difficult to write at the moment, I'm sorry...

I wish you all a wonderful New Year's Eve and in case I don't update tomorrow, have a Happy New Year :)

-Laura