Today’s dream had been particularly bad. In it, I had been on a train, close to a train exit, driving fast, when suddenly a guy on a horse had appeared, keeping pace with the train. In his hand, he held a gun. He bent open the train door as if it was a piece of bread and threw in his gun. Then he started shouting things. I was petrified, not able to move away from the door. He ordered me to take the gun and hold it. I did as I was told and he wanted me to shoot. He asked if it was loaded and I was stupid enough to nod. The train got to a hold and he took the gun from my hands. He held it against my head. I was expecting him to shoot. The last thing I thought was “I love you, Jack.”

Then everything had gone white and my body felt like I felt like I had blacked out. My eyes opened and the same procedure as every day started.

Cry, shake, slowly calm down. Breathe. But there was one thing I felt worse about than anything else. The “I love you Jack”. I couldn’t love him. This would only cause more pain. ‘He is in a relationship’, I told myself. He wouldn’t want me anyways.

Matt and Jack had been an item for three months now. When I first found out, my heart almost broke. Almost. Only writing saved me. I wrote so much back then, pages over pages in my journal, filled with my pain.

I stood up and pulled on my skinny jeans. I traipsed into the kitchen where I met Jack, who offered me a poptart. I wasn’t really hungry, the dream had driven away any appetite, but I nibbled on it. Matt came running in.

“Guys we need to be ready to go in like 20 minutes. We’ll be looking at the venue and then have an interview. Which you actually knew if you looked at the goddamn day sheets! Also you should fix your hair Alex, it looks really weird,” he added the last part in kind of an undertone with a mean smirk and I was still so confused and hurt from the dream that I let it through my shield of protection. It went right to my heart and it felt horrible. I wanted to cry.

I turned around without another word and left. I rushed to my bunk, the tears already burning in my eyes. I made a nest with my blanket, hiding my face while I started crying. I was never able to do anything right.

These sleeping issues were driving me insane, I was on edge. I was really not sure how much longer I would go without snapping. My willpower was not there, I just let people trample over my feelings at this point. I was broken.

Someone pushed back the curtain to my bunk and I jumped a little bit, the crying stopped but I was not able to keep myself from trembling. It was Jack.

“Lex? Are you okay?” he wanted to know. I was not. Every part of me screamed no, but I could never let him know. So I answered with just one of many lies.

“Yeah I am thank you. Please leave me alone,” I pressed out.

“Alex, are you sure? I can see you tremble…” there was a tiny bit concern in his voice but I could just as well be my mind playing a trick on me.

“Please… please go away. I will be fine,” I replied, suppressing a sob. I was not doing a good job, my voice was a bit rough but at least it didn’t break. He complied and left after hesitating for a few seconds.

I broke down when I was sure he was far enough away. I was used to crying in this bunk. I was desperately trying to calm down, knowing that I needed to be ready in about a quarter of an hour.

I did the thing I knew would make me stop crying. I pressed my face into the pillow, not allowing any air into my lungs. I did this until I was pretty sure I was not sobbing anymore, until the air I still had in my lungs tried to get out like a scared, encaged animal; until my thinking slowed down.

I sat up and breathed through. I wiped away my tears and got up. In the bathroom, I straightened my hair before throwing on a grey beanie, only my bangs peeking out. I hoped Matt would be okay with this; my heart beat faster in fear at the thought of him telling me again that this was not good enough.

We left for the interview. I had an energy drink and a caffeine pill on the way there, the effects of only two hours sleep starting to torture me. I hoped they would work soon, enabling me to think properly.

Notes

Poor Alex :/
Tell me what you think about this story so far! :)

-Laura