Find a Reason to Feel
9
"Tell me that’s not the cutest baby you’ve ever seen.” I dare Alex over the phone.
“She’s cute as hell Jack.” Alex laughs. “So she’s yours?”
“Yup.” I say proudly. “She has my eyes. I’ll try to get a few more pictures of her tonight to send to you.”
“When do you see her?” He asks.
I crane my neck to stare at the clock on the wall. “30 more minutes.”
“You should go get ready then dude.” Alex pushes. “Let me know how it goes and when I can come up. I’ll bring Lisa.”
“Alright. I’ll let you go bud. See ya.” I hang up.
I don’t bother telling him I’ve been ready for over an hour now.
Today has to be the longest day in history. I got little to no sleep all night, anticipating today. I planned it out in my head a million and two different ways. It’s funny, I thought when I saw Emma I would be trying to get her back. Aria has become my complete focus now. It’s not to say I don’t love Emma still, but Aria has my heart right now. I need that little girl like I need taco bell.
I stare at the ticking clock.
9:04
Unfortunately, the library is about 5-7 minutes away from my hotel. If I left now, I’d be early. Normally, I would drink to pass the time. The only problem with that is I wouldn’t necessarily be a fit father if I were drinking before seeing my daughter.
I check the bag I packed for probably the millionth time. I spent almost the entire day shopping for things to bring Aria. It took me forever to find, but I found a Jack Skellington onesie. I also got her one of those plastic pianos for toddlers, a pink stuffed animal puppy, a pack of my favorite juice boxes, and a coloring book with some crayons. I got Emma a bouquet of roses and packed us some sandwiches, just so she didn’t feel totally left out. I’m also bringing my guitar so I can play some music for Aria.
9:16
Fuck it, I can’t sit here any longer. I’m going nuts.
I drive to the library as slow as I can, trying to take up as much time as possible. My pulse accelerates as I pull into the parking lot of the library. I grab the bag of toys, guitar, and food out of the trunk and make my way to the front door. Just as I’m about to open it, I hear a man’s voice from inside. I duck out of sight, like a teenager trying to sneak out of his house. I stay close against the wall on the side of the library and listen closely. I hear music, but it just turned off.
“Why the fuck do you stay so late? The library has been closed for over an hour.” I hear a man’s voice snap.
“I’m needed to work late sometimes.” Emma lies. “Just because I’m the only person here, doesn’t mean they don’t need me.”
“This is bullshit Emma and you know it.” The man sounds furious. “You have our daughter in here all night. Why the hell can’t I take her back to our apartment?”
I want to punch this man. OUR daughter? Like it’s his kid too?
“You can’t take her back because you aren’t her father Sam!” Emma snaps.
It’s quiet for a moment. I hear the library door burst open and I hide behind the building. I peek around the corner and watch Sam speed off on his motorcycle.
Serves you right, douchebag.
I grab my belongings and make my way into the library. The music is still off and I can hear Emma crying from one of the back rooms.
“Emma?” I call out as I pick up my pace to the room we were at yesterday.
“Fuck.” I hear her whisper. “One second Jack!” She calls out.
I ignore her and make my way into the room. Emma is hunched over at the small coffee table with her face in her hands. I drop my stuff on the floor and rush to her side.
“Hey.” I sit next to her and rub her back lightly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m fine.” She chokes out a laugh. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I heard your fight with Sam.” I put my arm around her shoulders and pull her to my side.
“Sam’s complicated.” She keeps her head in her hands.
“More like a complete and total asshole.” I laugh bitterly. “I’m not saying that as your ex either.”
She pulls away from me and walks around the room, still not facing me. Emma paces back and forth, anxious. I hear a small sneeze and whip my head around, to see Aria walking towards me.
“Hey Aria.” I give her my biggest smiles and sit crisscross on the floor.
She grins and starts running clumsily. Just as she trips and falls, I hold my arms out and catch her. I pull her against my chest as she giggles.
“I see you’re clumsy just like your mommy was.” I throw a wink Emma’s way.
She still hasn’t faced me. “Jack can you take Aria out of here for a few minutes? You two can play in the library.”
“Is everything okay?” I furrow my eyebrows and stand up, carrying Aria with me.
“Just trust me please. I’ll talk to you about it later when she’s asleep.” Emma begs.
“Okay.” I rub her back lightly. “Come on Aria. Let me show you all the stuff I brought for you.”
She squeals with excitement as I take her and my items to the main part of the library. I carry her to the furthest row of books possible, not wanting to let her go. We sit together on the carpet and she looks at me, waiting patiently.
“Close your eyes.” I tell her.
It takes her a moment to process what I’ve said but she puts her chubby fingers over her eyes, grinning. I place the pink puppy in her lap.
“Open.”
Aria opens her eyes and gasps. “Puppy!”
I laugh as she squeezes it. I pull out the small piano for her and her eyes grow wide. She drops the stuffed puppy in her lap and starts banging on the keys excitedly. It’s a bunch of noise but I know it’ll turn into real music at some point. I let her bang around on the keys for a while until she calms down.
“Do you want to hear me play a song?” I grin and pull my guitar out.
Her little mouth opens and she stares up at me with glossy brown eyes. She nods and folds her hands in her lap, looking like the most beautiful princess out there.
“Say goodbye to the halls and the classes.” I begin to sing.
I watch Aria’s eyes light up at the sound of my guitar and voice together. She watches my fingers closely as they move up and down the guitar neck, strumming one of our more recent songs, Somewhere in Neverland. It amazes me how focused she is. Emma approaches us and sits behind Aria, listening as well. She looks sad.
“I wanna be your lost boy, your last chance, your everything better plan. Oh, somewhere in neverland.” I finish.
Aria doesn’t say anything for a few moments. She reaches her arms out and reaches for my guitar. I set it in front of her, being as it’s too big for her. She puts a finger on a fret and pulls at the same string. It makes a noise and her eyes light up.
“I did it!” She squeals and jumps up and down.
“Yes you did sweetie.” Emma strokes her hair softly.
I watch Emma closely, noticing there is something significantly off. Not just about her demeanor, but about her appearance too. I look closer and see the extra makeup she’s wearing.
Is she trying to impress me?
And then it hits me.
“She’s cute as hell Jack.” Alex laughs. “So she’s yours?”
“Yup.” I say proudly. “She has my eyes. I’ll try to get a few more pictures of her tonight to send to you.”
“When do you see her?” He asks.
I crane my neck to stare at the clock on the wall. “30 more minutes.”
“You should go get ready then dude.” Alex pushes. “Let me know how it goes and when I can come up. I’ll bring Lisa.”
“Alright. I’ll let you go bud. See ya.” I hang up.
I don’t bother telling him I’ve been ready for over an hour now.
Today has to be the longest day in history. I got little to no sleep all night, anticipating today. I planned it out in my head a million and two different ways. It’s funny, I thought when I saw Emma I would be trying to get her back. Aria has become my complete focus now. It’s not to say I don’t love Emma still, but Aria has my heart right now. I need that little girl like I need taco bell.
I stare at the ticking clock.
9:04
Unfortunately, the library is about 5-7 minutes away from my hotel. If I left now, I’d be early. Normally, I would drink to pass the time. The only problem with that is I wouldn’t necessarily be a fit father if I were drinking before seeing my daughter.
I check the bag I packed for probably the millionth time. I spent almost the entire day shopping for things to bring Aria. It took me forever to find, but I found a Jack Skellington onesie. I also got her one of those plastic pianos for toddlers, a pink stuffed animal puppy, a pack of my favorite juice boxes, and a coloring book with some crayons. I got Emma a bouquet of roses and packed us some sandwiches, just so she didn’t feel totally left out. I’m also bringing my guitar so I can play some music for Aria.
9:16
Fuck it, I can’t sit here any longer. I’m going nuts.
I drive to the library as slow as I can, trying to take up as much time as possible. My pulse accelerates as I pull into the parking lot of the library. I grab the bag of toys, guitar, and food out of the trunk and make my way to the front door. Just as I’m about to open it, I hear a man’s voice from inside. I duck out of sight, like a teenager trying to sneak out of his house. I stay close against the wall on the side of the library and listen closely. I hear music, but it just turned off.
“Why the fuck do you stay so late? The library has been closed for over an hour.” I hear a man’s voice snap.
“I’m needed to work late sometimes.” Emma lies. “Just because I’m the only person here, doesn’t mean they don’t need me.”
“This is bullshit Emma and you know it.” The man sounds furious. “You have our daughter in here all night. Why the hell can’t I take her back to our apartment?”
I want to punch this man. OUR daughter? Like it’s his kid too?
“You can’t take her back because you aren’t her father Sam!” Emma snaps.
It’s quiet for a moment. I hear the library door burst open and I hide behind the building. I peek around the corner and watch Sam speed off on his motorcycle.
Serves you right, douchebag.
I grab my belongings and make my way into the library. The music is still off and I can hear Emma crying from one of the back rooms.
“Emma?” I call out as I pick up my pace to the room we were at yesterday.
“Fuck.” I hear her whisper. “One second Jack!” She calls out.
I ignore her and make my way into the room. Emma is hunched over at the small coffee table with her face in her hands. I drop my stuff on the floor and rush to her side.
“Hey.” I sit next to her and rub her back lightly. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah I’m fine.” She chokes out a laugh. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“I heard your fight with Sam.” I put my arm around her shoulders and pull her to my side.
“Sam’s complicated.” She keeps her head in her hands.
“More like a complete and total asshole.” I laugh bitterly. “I’m not saying that as your ex either.”
She pulls away from me and walks around the room, still not facing me. Emma paces back and forth, anxious. I hear a small sneeze and whip my head around, to see Aria walking towards me.
“Hey Aria.” I give her my biggest smiles and sit crisscross on the floor.
She grins and starts running clumsily. Just as she trips and falls, I hold my arms out and catch her. I pull her against my chest as she giggles.
“I see you’re clumsy just like your mommy was.” I throw a wink Emma’s way.
She still hasn’t faced me. “Jack can you take Aria out of here for a few minutes? You two can play in the library.”
“Is everything okay?” I furrow my eyebrows and stand up, carrying Aria with me.
“Just trust me please. I’ll talk to you about it later when she’s asleep.” Emma begs.
“Okay.” I rub her back lightly. “Come on Aria. Let me show you all the stuff I brought for you.”
She squeals with excitement as I take her and my items to the main part of the library. I carry her to the furthest row of books possible, not wanting to let her go. We sit together on the carpet and she looks at me, waiting patiently.
“Close your eyes.” I tell her.
It takes her a moment to process what I’ve said but she puts her chubby fingers over her eyes, grinning. I place the pink puppy in her lap.
“Open.”
Aria opens her eyes and gasps. “Puppy!”
I laugh as she squeezes it. I pull out the small piano for her and her eyes grow wide. She drops the stuffed puppy in her lap and starts banging on the keys excitedly. It’s a bunch of noise but I know it’ll turn into real music at some point. I let her bang around on the keys for a while until she calms down.
“Do you want to hear me play a song?” I grin and pull my guitar out.
Her little mouth opens and she stares up at me with glossy brown eyes. She nods and folds her hands in her lap, looking like the most beautiful princess out there.
“Say goodbye to the halls and the classes.” I begin to sing.
I watch Aria’s eyes light up at the sound of my guitar and voice together. She watches my fingers closely as they move up and down the guitar neck, strumming one of our more recent songs, Somewhere in Neverland. It amazes me how focused she is. Emma approaches us and sits behind Aria, listening as well. She looks sad.
“I wanna be your lost boy, your last chance, your everything better plan. Oh, somewhere in neverland.” I finish.
Aria doesn’t say anything for a few moments. She reaches her arms out and reaches for my guitar. I set it in front of her, being as it’s too big for her. She puts a finger on a fret and pulls at the same string. It makes a noise and her eyes light up.
“I did it!” She squeals and jumps up and down.
“Yes you did sweetie.” Emma strokes her hair softly.
I watch Emma closely, noticing there is something significantly off. Not just about her demeanor, but about her appearance too. I look closer and see the extra makeup she’s wearing.
Is she trying to impress me?
And then it hits me.
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14