Find a Reason to Feel
8
Why am I still here? It’s been 4 days since I saw Emma, yet I’m still here sitting in this stupid hotel room. Girls have been coming in and out and the booze is plentiful. I talked to Alex the day after and told him what happened. He offered to fly out here but I told him not to bother. I don’t need to ruin his and Lisa’s relationship.
I grab my phone and dial a number.
“Jack?” I hear a girl answer on the other end.
“How goes it Victoria?” I slur, drinking whiskey from the bottle.
“Jack I just left like an hour ago. Is everything okay?” She sighs.
“Come back.” I moan. “I’m so bored.”
“Jack I have to get back to my boyfriend.” She hisses. “It’s almost midnight.”
“C’mon baby. You know you want to come back.” I chuckle.
“I can’t.” She says after much hesitation. “This was a one time thing. I’m sorry.”
She hangs up.
Stupid bar slut.
I throw my legs over the bed and throw my head in my hands. Everything is all fucked up and it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have snapped on Emma like that. I didn’t even give her a chance to explain herself.
“Fuck.” I grumble as I stand up, stumbling.
I make my way downstairs to the lobby and make myself a cup of coffee. I need to sober up quickly. It’s time I go apologize to Emma. I need to meet my daughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After many cups of coffee and lots of food, I’m sober. I’m standing outside of the library. The lights are on and I hear music again. I try to open the door but it’s locked. I peek through the window and see Emma fluttering around. She’s singing, but I can’t hear her. She looks so…happy.
Her sky blue dress flows above her knees as she spins and twirls, in her own little world. Suddenly, she stops dancing and runs out of my sight. I wait for a few minutes before seeing her emerge holding a small crying child.
That’s my daughter.
I know it is.
I start pounding on the door and Emma freezes. She runs to the back with our daughter and returns quickly. She has a baseball bat in her hand as she approaches the door.
“Who is it?” Emma calls.
“The Mafia. Where’s my money?” I say sarcastically.
I see her roll her eyes and drop the bat. “What do you want Jack?”
“I saw her. I saw our daughter in there. Please let me in.” I beg.
“Jack-“
“Please Emma. I came here to apologize. I fucked up okay? You have every right to move on and see other people. It’s been hard for me. My biggest fear was you moving on but if you’re happy, I’m happy. It’s okay I promise. Just please, let me in.” I rest my forehead against the glass.
I hear her exhale slowly and the lock click.
“Come in.”
I throw the library door open and walk inside. She’s even more beautiful up close.
“You look gorgeous.” I compliment her.
She blushes, that adorable fiery color rushing to her cheeks. It’s taking every bone in my body not to kiss her cheeks. I realize I’m staring at her when she cocks her eyebrow at me.
“Sorry.” I shake my head. “So can I meet her?”
“Yes you can.” She doesn’t argue as she leads me to the back.
I follow her to a small room where I hear my daughter fussing. Emma picks up the pace as we approach the room and I follow right after her. She scoops our daughter up out of her stroller and starts bouncing the baby up and down.
“Jack, this is your daughter Aria.” Emma smiles. “Would you like to hold her?”
I nod and hold out my arms, eager to hold her. Emma transfers the child into my arms and I feel at peace.
Aria looks up at me and stop fussing, confused as to who I am. Emma was right about the eyes. Aria looks a lot like me. She looks a lot like Emma too. She has Emma’s lips and nose, but her eyes are all mine. Her hair is black and glossy, all mine as well.
“Hi.” I say to my daughter.
Aria’s eyes widen at my voice and I laugh. She tries to stick her fingers in my mouth making me laugh even harder. A grin splits across my daughter’s face and she begins to giggle. My heart just about stops at the sound and I hug her closely.
“Hi.” I whisper.
I clutch her small, warm body to my side and look at Emma. She’s crying.
“Hey.” I bunch my eyebrows together. “What’s wrong?”
“I just pictured this moment a million and two times and it’s even better than I thought.” She laughs through her tears. “You’re holding a mini version of you. She looks just like you.”
I smile and bounce Aria up and down. “Why’d you name her Aria?”
“It means gentle music. When I was pregnant with her, I would play my guitar and sing. I would always get a response from her, whether it was her kicking or moving. She still adores music.” Emma steps forward and strokes our daughter’s hair. “I sing her to sleep almost every night and play the guitar for her every now and then.”
“I can’t believe I missed that.” I whisper. “I would’ve played to her every minute of every day.”
“I know you would have.” She smiles sadly. “I wanted that so many times. You say that you had a hard time with us being apart, but I did too Jack. There were so many times I wanted you there. I wanted you there at all of the appointments. I wanted you there when I had her. Her first steps…her first tooth…” Emma starts crying again.
“Mommy.” My child speaks up. “No boo.”
In those three words, my heart is Aria’s. Her voice is so tiny and gentle.
“No boo.” Emma repeats with a smile.
“No boo?” I question.
“No boo means don’t cry. I used to say no boohoo and she never got the hoo part I guess.” She laughs while wiping away a tear.
“How much does she talk?” I ask.
“Not as much as she sings. She loves to sing. Even when she doesn’t know the lyrics, she sings.” Emma smiles.
“Wow.” I kiss the top of Aria’s head. “She’s incredible.”
The young girl places a tiny hand on my cheek and stares at me. She isn’t smiling, but she isn’t frowning. She’s just examining me with her stare. I stare back into her eyes as if I’m staring into my own. After a few moments of examination, Aria offers me a small smile and ducks her head against my shoulder.
I’m in love all over again.
“Emma I need this little girl in my life.” I beg. “Please. There has to be something we can work out.”
“I just don’t know what we can do Jack. Sam would be very angry if he found out you were back.” She hedges.
“I don’t understand why.” I turn my torso back and forth, rocking Aria gently. “I’m her father.”
“Sam is complicated.” Emma looks away.
“Why is he so complicated Emma?” I frown. “It can’t be so hard.”
Her phone vibrate suddenly and Emma curses under her breath. “Hey sweetie.”
All I can hear is a yelling man on the other end.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just got caught up sorting through the books.” She bites her lip.
His voice is louder, and I can only make out a few words. “Bitch…lazy….careless…”
“I’ll leave now. Love you.” She tries to act like normal.
He hangs up.
“Emma, what just happened?” I ask her softly.
She looks up at me, her eyes sad but I know she thinks she’s good at hiding it. “Nothing at all. Sam just wanted to make sure I was safe.”
“Yeah he sounded really concerned.” I roll my eyes.
“Like I said, Sam is complicated.” She sighs.
I feel Aria’s body go limp and immediately I panic.
“Relax. She fell asleep.” Emma assures me. “We need to get out of here.”
“When can I see her again?” I ask.
Emma sighs. “If you come by here tomorrow night around 9:30 I’ll be here with her. I pick her up from daycare around 5 and she hangs with me here until I go home. I like to stay as late as I can here.”
“Can you just do me one favor?” I ask.
“What is it?” She asks hesitantly.
I hand her my phone. “Take a picture of me and her please.”
Emma smiles softly and nods her head. I smile as Emma takes the picture of me holding my sleeping daughter.
“Put your number in there as well.” I tell her.
“I can’t do that Jack. I’m not allowed to have contact with you.” She bites her lip.
“Jesus Em, are you 10? Aren’t you allowed to make your own decisions?” I ask her softly, trying not to be rude.
“I really have to go Jack.” She hands me my phone back. “I’m sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
I nod and hand her Aria carefully. My child remains asleep as she is transferred into her mother’s arms. I watch the two of them closely, watching the way they work. I can just tell Emma is an amazing mother.
It’s my turn to be an amazing father.
I grab my phone and dial a number.
“Jack?” I hear a girl answer on the other end.
“How goes it Victoria?” I slur, drinking whiskey from the bottle.
“Jack I just left like an hour ago. Is everything okay?” She sighs.
“Come back.” I moan. “I’m so bored.”
“Jack I have to get back to my boyfriend.” She hisses. “It’s almost midnight.”
“C’mon baby. You know you want to come back.” I chuckle.
“I can’t.” She says after much hesitation. “This was a one time thing. I’m sorry.”
She hangs up.
Stupid bar slut.
I throw my legs over the bed and throw my head in my hands. Everything is all fucked up and it’s my fault. I shouldn’t have snapped on Emma like that. I didn’t even give her a chance to explain herself.
“Fuck.” I grumble as I stand up, stumbling.
I make my way downstairs to the lobby and make myself a cup of coffee. I need to sober up quickly. It’s time I go apologize to Emma. I need to meet my daughter.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After many cups of coffee and lots of food, I’m sober. I’m standing outside of the library. The lights are on and I hear music again. I try to open the door but it’s locked. I peek through the window and see Emma fluttering around. She’s singing, but I can’t hear her. She looks so…happy.
Her sky blue dress flows above her knees as she spins and twirls, in her own little world. Suddenly, she stops dancing and runs out of my sight. I wait for a few minutes before seeing her emerge holding a small crying child.
That’s my daughter.
I know it is.
I start pounding on the door and Emma freezes. She runs to the back with our daughter and returns quickly. She has a baseball bat in her hand as she approaches the door.
“Who is it?” Emma calls.
“The Mafia. Where’s my money?” I say sarcastically.
I see her roll her eyes and drop the bat. “What do you want Jack?”
“I saw her. I saw our daughter in there. Please let me in.” I beg.
“Jack-“
“Please Emma. I came here to apologize. I fucked up okay? You have every right to move on and see other people. It’s been hard for me. My biggest fear was you moving on but if you’re happy, I’m happy. It’s okay I promise. Just please, let me in.” I rest my forehead against the glass.
I hear her exhale slowly and the lock click.
“Come in.”
I throw the library door open and walk inside. She’s even more beautiful up close.
“You look gorgeous.” I compliment her.
She blushes, that adorable fiery color rushing to her cheeks. It’s taking every bone in my body not to kiss her cheeks. I realize I’m staring at her when she cocks her eyebrow at me.
“Sorry.” I shake my head. “So can I meet her?”
“Yes you can.” She doesn’t argue as she leads me to the back.
I follow her to a small room where I hear my daughter fussing. Emma picks up the pace as we approach the room and I follow right after her. She scoops our daughter up out of her stroller and starts bouncing the baby up and down.
“Jack, this is your daughter Aria.” Emma smiles. “Would you like to hold her?”
I nod and hold out my arms, eager to hold her. Emma transfers the child into my arms and I feel at peace.
Aria looks up at me and stop fussing, confused as to who I am. Emma was right about the eyes. Aria looks a lot like me. She looks a lot like Emma too. She has Emma’s lips and nose, but her eyes are all mine. Her hair is black and glossy, all mine as well.
“Hi.” I say to my daughter.
Aria’s eyes widen at my voice and I laugh. She tries to stick her fingers in my mouth making me laugh even harder. A grin splits across my daughter’s face and she begins to giggle. My heart just about stops at the sound and I hug her closely.
“Hi.” I whisper.
I clutch her small, warm body to my side and look at Emma. She’s crying.
“Hey.” I bunch my eyebrows together. “What’s wrong?”
“I just pictured this moment a million and two times and it’s even better than I thought.” She laughs through her tears. “You’re holding a mini version of you. She looks just like you.”
I smile and bounce Aria up and down. “Why’d you name her Aria?”
“It means gentle music. When I was pregnant with her, I would play my guitar and sing. I would always get a response from her, whether it was her kicking or moving. She still adores music.” Emma steps forward and strokes our daughter’s hair. “I sing her to sleep almost every night and play the guitar for her every now and then.”
“I can’t believe I missed that.” I whisper. “I would’ve played to her every minute of every day.”
“I know you would have.” She smiles sadly. “I wanted that so many times. You say that you had a hard time with us being apart, but I did too Jack. There were so many times I wanted you there. I wanted you there at all of the appointments. I wanted you there when I had her. Her first steps…her first tooth…” Emma starts crying again.
“Mommy.” My child speaks up. “No boo.”
In those three words, my heart is Aria’s. Her voice is so tiny and gentle.
“No boo.” Emma repeats with a smile.
“No boo?” I question.
“No boo means don’t cry. I used to say no boohoo and she never got the hoo part I guess.” She laughs while wiping away a tear.
“How much does she talk?” I ask.
“Not as much as she sings. She loves to sing. Even when she doesn’t know the lyrics, she sings.” Emma smiles.
“Wow.” I kiss the top of Aria’s head. “She’s incredible.”
The young girl places a tiny hand on my cheek and stares at me. She isn’t smiling, but she isn’t frowning. She’s just examining me with her stare. I stare back into her eyes as if I’m staring into my own. After a few moments of examination, Aria offers me a small smile and ducks her head against my shoulder.
I’m in love all over again.
“Emma I need this little girl in my life.” I beg. “Please. There has to be something we can work out.”
“I just don’t know what we can do Jack. Sam would be very angry if he found out you were back.” She hedges.
“I don’t understand why.” I turn my torso back and forth, rocking Aria gently. “I’m her father.”
“Sam is complicated.” Emma looks away.
“Why is he so complicated Emma?” I frown. “It can’t be so hard.”
Her phone vibrate suddenly and Emma curses under her breath. “Hey sweetie.”
All I can hear is a yelling man on the other end.
“I know. I’m sorry. I just got caught up sorting through the books.” She bites her lip.
His voice is louder, and I can only make out a few words. “Bitch…lazy….careless…”
“I’ll leave now. Love you.” She tries to act like normal.
He hangs up.
“Emma, what just happened?” I ask her softly.
She looks up at me, her eyes sad but I know she thinks she’s good at hiding it. “Nothing at all. Sam just wanted to make sure I was safe.”
“Yeah he sounded really concerned.” I roll my eyes.
“Like I said, Sam is complicated.” She sighs.
I feel Aria’s body go limp and immediately I panic.
“Relax. She fell asleep.” Emma assures me. “We need to get out of here.”
“When can I see her again?” I ask.
Emma sighs. “If you come by here tomorrow night around 9:30 I’ll be here with her. I pick her up from daycare around 5 and she hangs with me here until I go home. I like to stay as late as I can here.”
“Can you just do me one favor?” I ask.
“What is it?” She asks hesitantly.
I hand her my phone. “Take a picture of me and her please.”
Emma smiles softly and nods her head. I smile as Emma takes the picture of me holding my sleeping daughter.
“Put your number in there as well.” I tell her.
“I can’t do that Jack. I’m not allowed to have contact with you.” She bites her lip.
“Jesus Em, are you 10? Aren’t you allowed to make your own decisions?” I ask her softly, trying not to be rude.
“I really have to go Jack.” She hands me my phone back. “I’m sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”
I nod and hand her Aria carefully. My child remains asleep as she is transferred into her mother’s arms. I watch the two of them closely, watching the way they work. I can just tell Emma is an amazing mother.
It’s my turn to be an amazing father.
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14