Find a Reason to Feel
10
I wait patiently as Emma puts a sleeping Aria into her stroller.
“Emma, what’s going on?” I demand.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She looks away.
“Bullshit Emma. He’s hurting you isn’t he?” I reach out and touch her arm lightly.
Emma starts to cry. I pull her into my arms and hold her closely.
“I’m here for you.” I whisper. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She keeps crying and shaking. I start humming to her softly and rub her back. Emma begins to calm down.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t have enough money to move out.” She shakes. “I’m so scared Jack.”
“Come stay with me. I don’t have a place out here but you can come back with me to Baltimore. I can help you get settled down and take over some of your bills. You look stressed as hell.” I sigh.
“I can’t do that to you Jack. An infant and your ex girlfriend? That’s a little much to be taking in.” Emma chuckles bitterly.
“My daughter and the love of my life I think you mean.” I correct her.
“Former love of your life.” She corrects me right back.
“Yeah.” I scoff. “Former. I’m not kidding Emma. It isn’t safe for Aria to be around him. It isn’t safe for you either. How have you dealt with him so long?”
“The same way I’ve always dealt with everything.” She shrugs indifferently. “I guess I’ve just convinced myself over time that I deserve this. It’s karma. I broke your heart and he’s breaking my spirit. It’s only fair.”
“Look I honestly don’t even care what you say anymore I’m taking you back to Baltimore with me now.” I order. “I suggest you go pick your shit up from Sam’s so we can get a move on.”
“He won’t let me leave.” Emma whimpers. “I know he won’t.”
“I’ll make him.” I growl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I follow Emma’s car in silence. My mind is racing with every possible thing that could happen. This Sam guy is clearly unstable, and I’m about to take his “family” away from him. I don’t care what might happen to me. I need Emma and Aria to be safe and it sure as hell isn’t with him. My grip tightens on the steering wheel as I pull behind Emma’s car into a driveway. She grabs Aria’s car seat, which is still holding Aria and brings it to me.
“I need you to take her.” Emma whispers as she sets it in the backseat of the Jeep. “If I can’t make it out, I at least want you to take her.”
“We’ll get both of you out of here. I promise.” I hug her tightly. “We just have to be quick and careful.”
“There’s a good chance that Sam is already passed out. He drinks a lot and it’s pretty late.” Emma chews her bottom lip nervously. “If he is, we have to make sure to be quiet. If he isn’t, then we have to be quick and hope to hell he’s too drunk to move around. We’ll leave Aria here so he doesn’t try to take her or hurt her.”
“Let’s do this.” I nod and follow her to the front door.
She opens the door quietly and motions for me to follow. We walk through the house quietly and pass Sam who’s lying down on the couch. Emma points to him and looks at me, making sure I see him. He appears to be passed out. She smiles in relief and moves quickly to her bedroom.
This house is disgusting. There are food containers everywhere and empty beer bottles coat the kitchen counters. The smell in the air is either rotting garbage or a dead body. I’m not sure I want to know which it is. I’m grateful I found Emma when I did because honestly any longer in this house and she and Aria might have gotten deathly ill.
We raid her bedroom quickly and quietly. She grabs a suitcase from under the bed while I grab her clothing.
“Go down the hall and three doors down is Aria’s room.” She whispers as she hands me an empty suitcase. “Go in there and fill this up with as much of her stuff as you can.”
I nod and run down the hall quietly with the suitcase in hand. My heart breaks when I see Aria’s room. It’s a small, 10 foot by 10 foot white room. There is nothing on the walls and all that sits in her room is an old cradle and a dresser. I open the drawers and try not to cry when I see the scarcity of her belongings. I stuff the suitcase with her clothing, diapers, and other objects. I empty all of the drawers and grab the bedding in her cradle. The room is cleared out as I make my way back to Emma’s room.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I hear Sam growl at Emma.
I start running towards the room and find her in the corner of her bedroom on the floor. Sam spins around when he hears my footsteps and glares at me.
“Who the fuck are you?” He spits at me.
I don’t bother responding. Instead, I whack him upside the head with the full suitcase I’m holding. It makes contact with his head and all you hear is a crack. Sam falls back on the bed, still.
“Shit.” I mutter.
I approach him carefully and listen for a heartbeat.
I hear it.
“Emma.” I turn to her. “Are you okay? Did he hit you again?”
“No.” She sniffles. “I was just trying to get away from him. He cornered me though and that’s when I just fell to the floor. It’s all I could do. If you had been just a few seconds too late I don’t know what would have happened.”
“We don’t need to think about that.” I help her to her feet. “We have to get out of here. I knocked him out but he isn’t dead.”
Emma and I load up all of her belongings into my car and hers. She doesn’t have many herself, which makes me very sad. Emma grabs her guitar and turns to me.
“This is the last of it.” She sighs. “We have to get out of here.”
“We have to stop by the hotel first. I need to grab my stuff too. It’s not too far from here.” I help load her guitar in her car.
“Let’s get going then.” She nods.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus Jack.” Emma sighs. “This place is a pigsty.”
I forgot that there were beer bottles and empty whiskey bottles coating the floor. I watch as she picks an empty condom wrapper up from my bed stand.
I definitely forgot about that.
“That’s er…” I rub the back of my neck nervously.
“None of my business.” She shrugs her shoulders and drops it. “Let’s clean up a bit.”
“Why bother? We are leaving in a few anyway.” I pick Aria up out of her stroller and hold her.
“No way. I’m too tired to drive safely.” Emma yawns and stretches. “We’ll just stay here for the night.”
“Okay.” Butterflies erupt in my stomach as I realize there’s only one place for her to sleep: right next to me.
We clean silently, Aria attached to my hip the entire time. She’s dozing in and out but I don’t care. The feeling of her little hands and legs gripping onto me is all I care about. She’s already so comfortable with me.
It doesn’t take long to clean considering the majority of it was trash. Emma’s cleaning skills are quite impressive. I guess she learned how to keep things clean considering she’s a mom.
“I’m gonna get in the shower. Do you mind watching Aria while I do?” She digs around my suitcase for some clothes.
“No I don’t. Thanks for asking if you can use my clothes.” I laugh.
She freezes. “I’m sorry. Its just habit.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” I assure her.
She blushes and disappears into the bathroom. I’m left with Aria who is now wide awake. I collapse onto the bed and pull Aria on top of me.
“You wanna fly?” I ask her.
Her eyes grow wide and nods.
I snake my hands under her arms and thrust her into the air above me. She giggles and squeals, looking down at me the entire time. I move her up, down, left, and right. I pretend to drop her a few times, making her squeal even louder. I flip her onto her back on the bed and pull her shirt up a little. I start blowing on her stomach, making farting noises. Aria shakes with laughter and Emma flies out of the bathroom.
“What on earth is making her laugh so much?” Emma laughs.
“Watch.” I grin.
I blow on Aria’s stomach again making her laugh even harder. Emma cracks up and walks towards us, wearing my Baltimore Raven’s jersey. She’s never looked more beautiful.
“I can’t thank you enough for this Jack. Honestly, I don’t deserve it.” Emma sits on the bed and pulls Aria onto her lap.
“It’s my pleasure. After I saw your living situation there was no way I was going to turn back.” I shake my head with a shudder. “Honestly I have no idea how you even survived as long as you did.”
“Not easily.” She rocks Aria back and forth. “I just want to apologize for everything I’ve put you through Jack. I broke your heart and left you to deal with it. That wasn’t right of me. You have to understand I was young and scared. I knew you would be there for me but I never wanted that kind of life for you, let alone myself. I thought about abortion but I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with the long-term consequences. Adoption would be entirely too hard for me to deal with. I wanted you with me every single day. I felt like I was doing the right thing though by letting you do what you want with your life.”
“Not to sound like a dick but it was the worst thing you could have possibly done.” I let out a long sigh and sit across from her on the bed. “You have no idea how hard it was for me to deal with losing you. I even called your parents to see if you went home. Your brother moved out literally the next day. I felt so alone. Alex relapsed and dragged me down with him. Life just got out of control.”
Emma lays Aria between us. “I’m sorry. I had no idea what it would do to you. I knew, but I figured you would move on quick enough.”
“When I told you that you were the only one for me I meant it.” I stroke Aria’s hair as she looks up at me with her big brown eyes, sucking on her pacifier.
“I’m sorry.” Emma repeats. “I really hope I can make it up to you.”
“Let’s not worry about that for now. I just want to get you safe, with or without me. We should get some sleep though. We have a really long day ahead of us.” I stand up and stretch.
“Do you mind if Aria sleeps between us?” Emma asks. “She’d feel the most comfortable that way.”
“She would, or you would?” I cock an eyebrow.
Emma blushes. “Jack-“
“Hey no worries.” I laugh and tuck the both of them into bed. “I understand.”
I flip off the bedroom light and curl under the comforter. I can already hear Aria’s soft, even breathing as she sleeps.
“Goodnight.” I whisper to them.
“Goodnight Jack.” Emma yawns.
My heart is thumping a hundred miles an hour. I can’t tell if I’m happy or nervous. Emma starts to snore lightly and I try not to laugh. Just like old times.
There’s no way I’m getting any sleep tonight.
“Emma, what’s going on?” I demand.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She looks away.
“Bullshit Emma. He’s hurting you isn’t he?” I reach out and touch her arm lightly.
Emma starts to cry. I pull her into my arms and hold her closely.
“I’m here for you.” I whisper. “I’m not going anywhere.”
She keeps crying and shaking. I start humming to her softly and rub her back. Emma begins to calm down.
“I don’t know what to do. I don’t have enough money to move out.” She shakes. “I’m so scared Jack.”
“Come stay with me. I don’t have a place out here but you can come back with me to Baltimore. I can help you get settled down and take over some of your bills. You look stressed as hell.” I sigh.
“I can’t do that to you Jack. An infant and your ex girlfriend? That’s a little much to be taking in.” Emma chuckles bitterly.
“My daughter and the love of my life I think you mean.” I correct her.
“Former love of your life.” She corrects me right back.
“Yeah.” I scoff. “Former. I’m not kidding Emma. It isn’t safe for Aria to be around him. It isn’t safe for you either. How have you dealt with him so long?”
“The same way I’ve always dealt with everything.” She shrugs indifferently. “I guess I’ve just convinced myself over time that I deserve this. It’s karma. I broke your heart and he’s breaking my spirit. It’s only fair.”
“Look I honestly don’t even care what you say anymore I’m taking you back to Baltimore with me now.” I order. “I suggest you go pick your shit up from Sam’s so we can get a move on.”
“He won’t let me leave.” Emma whimpers. “I know he won’t.”
“I’ll make him.” I growl.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I follow Emma’s car in silence. My mind is racing with every possible thing that could happen. This Sam guy is clearly unstable, and I’m about to take his “family” away from him. I don’t care what might happen to me. I need Emma and Aria to be safe and it sure as hell isn’t with him. My grip tightens on the steering wheel as I pull behind Emma’s car into a driveway. She grabs Aria’s car seat, which is still holding Aria and brings it to me.
“I need you to take her.” Emma whispers as she sets it in the backseat of the Jeep. “If I can’t make it out, I at least want you to take her.”
“We’ll get both of you out of here. I promise.” I hug her tightly. “We just have to be quick and careful.”
“There’s a good chance that Sam is already passed out. He drinks a lot and it’s pretty late.” Emma chews her bottom lip nervously. “If he is, we have to make sure to be quiet. If he isn’t, then we have to be quick and hope to hell he’s too drunk to move around. We’ll leave Aria here so he doesn’t try to take her or hurt her.”
“Let’s do this.” I nod and follow her to the front door.
She opens the door quietly and motions for me to follow. We walk through the house quietly and pass Sam who’s lying down on the couch. Emma points to him and looks at me, making sure I see him. He appears to be passed out. She smiles in relief and moves quickly to her bedroom.
This house is disgusting. There are food containers everywhere and empty beer bottles coat the kitchen counters. The smell in the air is either rotting garbage or a dead body. I’m not sure I want to know which it is. I’m grateful I found Emma when I did because honestly any longer in this house and she and Aria might have gotten deathly ill.
We raid her bedroom quickly and quietly. She grabs a suitcase from under the bed while I grab her clothing.
“Go down the hall and three doors down is Aria’s room.” She whispers as she hands me an empty suitcase. “Go in there and fill this up with as much of her stuff as you can.”
I nod and run down the hall quietly with the suitcase in hand. My heart breaks when I see Aria’s room. It’s a small, 10 foot by 10 foot white room. There is nothing on the walls and all that sits in her room is an old cradle and a dresser. I open the drawers and try not to cry when I see the scarcity of her belongings. I stuff the suitcase with her clothing, diapers, and other objects. I empty all of the drawers and grab the bedding in her cradle. The room is cleared out as I make my way back to Emma’s room.
“What do you think you’re doing?” I hear Sam growl at Emma.
I start running towards the room and find her in the corner of her bedroom on the floor. Sam spins around when he hears my footsteps and glares at me.
“Who the fuck are you?” He spits at me.
I don’t bother responding. Instead, I whack him upside the head with the full suitcase I’m holding. It makes contact with his head and all you hear is a crack. Sam falls back on the bed, still.
“Shit.” I mutter.
I approach him carefully and listen for a heartbeat.
I hear it.
“Emma.” I turn to her. “Are you okay? Did he hit you again?”
“No.” She sniffles. “I was just trying to get away from him. He cornered me though and that’s when I just fell to the floor. It’s all I could do. If you had been just a few seconds too late I don’t know what would have happened.”
“We don’t need to think about that.” I help her to her feet. “We have to get out of here. I knocked him out but he isn’t dead.”
Emma and I load up all of her belongings into my car and hers. She doesn’t have many herself, which makes me very sad. Emma grabs her guitar and turns to me.
“This is the last of it.” She sighs. “We have to get out of here.”
“We have to stop by the hotel first. I need to grab my stuff too. It’s not too far from here.” I help load her guitar in her car.
“Let’s get going then.” She nods.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Jesus Jack.” Emma sighs. “This place is a pigsty.”
I forgot that there were beer bottles and empty whiskey bottles coating the floor. I watch as she picks an empty condom wrapper up from my bed stand.
I definitely forgot about that.
“That’s er…” I rub the back of my neck nervously.
“None of my business.” She shrugs her shoulders and drops it. “Let’s clean up a bit.”
“Why bother? We are leaving in a few anyway.” I pick Aria up out of her stroller and hold her.
“No way. I’m too tired to drive safely.” Emma yawns and stretches. “We’ll just stay here for the night.”
“Okay.” Butterflies erupt in my stomach as I realize there’s only one place for her to sleep: right next to me.
We clean silently, Aria attached to my hip the entire time. She’s dozing in and out but I don’t care. The feeling of her little hands and legs gripping onto me is all I care about. She’s already so comfortable with me.
It doesn’t take long to clean considering the majority of it was trash. Emma’s cleaning skills are quite impressive. I guess she learned how to keep things clean considering she’s a mom.
“I’m gonna get in the shower. Do you mind watching Aria while I do?” She digs around my suitcase for some clothes.
“No I don’t. Thanks for asking if you can use my clothes.” I laugh.
She freezes. “I’m sorry. Its just habit.”
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” I assure her.
She blushes and disappears into the bathroom. I’m left with Aria who is now wide awake. I collapse onto the bed and pull Aria on top of me.
“You wanna fly?” I ask her.
Her eyes grow wide and nods.
I snake my hands under her arms and thrust her into the air above me. She giggles and squeals, looking down at me the entire time. I move her up, down, left, and right. I pretend to drop her a few times, making her squeal even louder. I flip her onto her back on the bed and pull her shirt up a little. I start blowing on her stomach, making farting noises. Aria shakes with laughter and Emma flies out of the bathroom.
“What on earth is making her laugh so much?” Emma laughs.
“Watch.” I grin.
I blow on Aria’s stomach again making her laugh even harder. Emma cracks up and walks towards us, wearing my Baltimore Raven’s jersey. She’s never looked more beautiful.
“I can’t thank you enough for this Jack. Honestly, I don’t deserve it.” Emma sits on the bed and pulls Aria onto her lap.
“It’s my pleasure. After I saw your living situation there was no way I was going to turn back.” I shake my head with a shudder. “Honestly I have no idea how you even survived as long as you did.”
“Not easily.” She rocks Aria back and forth. “I just want to apologize for everything I’ve put you through Jack. I broke your heart and left you to deal with it. That wasn’t right of me. You have to understand I was young and scared. I knew you would be there for me but I never wanted that kind of life for you, let alone myself. I thought about abortion but I knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with the long-term consequences. Adoption would be entirely too hard for me to deal with. I wanted you with me every single day. I felt like I was doing the right thing though by letting you do what you want with your life.”
“Not to sound like a dick but it was the worst thing you could have possibly done.” I let out a long sigh and sit across from her on the bed. “You have no idea how hard it was for me to deal with losing you. I even called your parents to see if you went home. Your brother moved out literally the next day. I felt so alone. Alex relapsed and dragged me down with him. Life just got out of control.”
Emma lays Aria between us. “I’m sorry. I had no idea what it would do to you. I knew, but I figured you would move on quick enough.”
“When I told you that you were the only one for me I meant it.” I stroke Aria’s hair as she looks up at me with her big brown eyes, sucking on her pacifier.
“I’m sorry.” Emma repeats. “I really hope I can make it up to you.”
“Let’s not worry about that for now. I just want to get you safe, with or without me. We should get some sleep though. We have a really long day ahead of us.” I stand up and stretch.
“Do you mind if Aria sleeps between us?” Emma asks. “She’d feel the most comfortable that way.”
“She would, or you would?” I cock an eyebrow.
Emma blushes. “Jack-“
“Hey no worries.” I laugh and tuck the both of them into bed. “I understand.”
I flip off the bedroom light and curl under the comforter. I can already hear Aria’s soft, even breathing as she sleeps.
“Goodnight.” I whisper to them.
“Goodnight Jack.” Emma yawns.
My heart is thumping a hundred miles an hour. I can’t tell if I’m happy or nervous. Emma starts to snore lightly and I try not to laugh. Just like old times.
There’s no way I’m getting any sleep tonight.
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14