Find a Reason to Feel
7
“Jack.” She whimpers.
The landlord was right, she changed. Her once long blonde hair is now cut shoulder length, a soft auburn. Her hazel eyes are gorgeous as ever, but look sad. She’s still tiny. She’s goddamn beautiful.
“Jesus Christ Emma.” I crush her against my chest. “Emma, Emma, Emma.”
She doesn’t hug me back but I don’t care. I’m mad at her but I don’t care. She’s in my arms and THAT I care about. It’s all I’ve wanted for the past 3 years, even when I was furious with her. I sob.
“Hey.” She wraps her arms around my neck and strokes my hair. “It’s okay.”
“No it’s not.” I choke. “It’s never been okay since you left Em. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Shh.” She strokes my hair. “I’ll explain I just want you to stop crying. You’re breaking my heart.”
I pull away from her, furious. “I’M breaking YOUR heart? Oh god fucking forbid Emma! You left mine shattered in a million and two fucking pieces and never looked back. Do you have ANY idea how hard that was for me?”
“I’m sorry.” She cries. “I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of it!”
“Then why the hell did you do it?” I shout.
“It’s not that simple Jack.” Emma stands up. “You have no idea what I went through.”
“I thought we were closer than that Em. We told each other everything. I thought we did at least.” I fold my hands on top of my head.
“How did you even find me?” She asks.
“Well Mae,” I roll my eyes. “I went to call that number you called Alex from. Thanks for that by the way. I could’ve really used a phone call. Anyway, I traced it back to that shelter in Brooklyn. Apparently they took better care of you than I ever could have. Then I traced it back to the apartment, the landlord, and then I held a concert here tonight to see if anyone knew anything. A few girls said you worked at this library so here I am.”
Her eyes are filled with tears. “You did all of that just to look for me?”
“What did you think I was going to do? I would’ve done it earlier but Alex told me about that phone call 3 days ago.”
“I ruined your life Jack.” She shakes her head. “You need to walk away now.”
“Like hell I will!” I laugh bitterly. “I have way too many questions to ask you. I came here for closure and that’s it. The least you can do is give it to me.”
She nods. “Follow me.”
I stand up and follow her. She leads me to a small table with two chairs and sits in one.
“So ask what you want.” Emma bites her lip nervously as I sit down. Holy hell have I missed that lip biting.
“Why?” I start with my most pressing question as I pull the list of questions out of my wallet.
“Can you please leave that one for last Jack?” She begs. “Please. You’ll understand.”
I look at her, before deciding that I trust her. For some stupid fucking reason I still trust her. “Why Boston?”
She relaxes a little. “I just like the feel of this town. It’s so beautiful. There’s a lot of history here and I feel at peace.”
“Why did you contact Alex instead of me?” I stare down at the paper.
“Well you pretty much answered that yourself. Notice how Alex didn’t come looking for me? Yet here you are, sitting right in front of me only 3 days after finding out about the phone call.” She laughs nervously. The sound drives me insane. “I didn’t want you to come looking for me.”
“Did you cheat on me?” I ask quietly.
“Never.” She answers. “Never in my life would I have ever dreamed of doing that to you. I meant every word I said when I told you I loved you Jack.”
“What about now? Do you have a boyfriend?” I look up at her.
“Jack-“
“No. I want to know.” I look her in the eye.
“Yes.” She whispers, without breaking eye contact. “He and I live together.”
My world falls apart, but I don’t let her see that. “How long have you been together?”
“4 or 5 months.” Emma looks away, ashamed.
“That’s nice.” I say sarcastically. “I don’t have any more questions for now except for that first one. Why did you leave?”
“I can’t tell you.” Tears begin to fall.
“Fuck you Emma. Or should I just call you Mae since the Emma I know is dead and gone. You owe me this. You fucked my life up so goddamn badly you have no idea. Answer me.” I shake angrily.
“I was pregnant.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
Everything stops. The anger, the confusion, the love, all of it. It just stops. I have nothing to say any longer.
“Jack.” She begs. “Please say something.”
My mind is blank. “I have a kid?”
Emma nods and cries harder. “I’m so sorry.”
“I have a kid.” I repeat.
“Jack I’m sorry.” She covers her mouth with her hands.
“When were you going to tell me?” I ask calmly. “If ever.”
“Whenever you found me I guess. I just wanted you to have a life where you could pursue your dreams. I wanted you to be happy.” Emma explains.
“Wanted me to be happy?” My jaw drops. “The happiest I’ve ever been was with you.”
“Jack look at you. You’re in a band with your 3 best friends. You guys are making money by doing what you love. I watch you in interviews and you are living your dream. I knew then that you would be an amazing musician and I was right. If I had told you, none of that would’ve happened. We’d be living together struggling to pay bills while taking care of a baby we didn’t even want. You would’ve had to tell your mom you knocked me up. You would’ve had to get a minimum wage job, maybe even 2. It wouldn’t have been the life you’re living now.” She assures me.
I’m quiet again, processing what she said. “I would’ve done all of that. I would’ve done it all happily. Thanks for giving me a shot at making music but you’re all I wanted. If we were homeless I wouldn’t care. You were my happiness.”
“You were my happiness too. It was so hard without you.” She whimpers.
“How did you manage then? I want to know.” I press.
“Same way I always did.” Emma smiles sadly, her hazel eyes glossy with tears.
She didn’t need to say anymore. I know she means cutting. I nod. “Yeah well same here.”
“Jack, no.” The tears spill over.
“What did you expect? My life had never been harder.” I shake my head, the scars tingling as I speak. “How is our child?”
“She’s beautiful. She’s almost 2 and a half years old but she’s so smart already. She has your eyes Jack.” Emma laughs through tears. “She does so many things that remind me of you.”
“She.” I repeat. “I have a daughter.”
“A daughter.” Emma nods.
“I want to meet her.” I tell Emma.
“I don’t know about that.” She stands up quickly and starts pacing nervously. “She’s getting to the age where she is asking me questions. What if she asks me who you are?”
“Tell her the goddamn truth.” I say angrily. “I’m her father Emma. There’s not much you can do about that. I want to meet my child.”
“I’ll have to check with Sam.” She looks away.
“Sam? The boyfriend of 4 months? Holy hell, he’s playing house with you. He’s home alone with her right now, isn’t he? He’s playing daddy to my daughter?” I stand up, furious.
“Jack please.” She backs away, afraid.
“No fuck this!” I yell. “Don’t tell Sam anything. I wouldn’t want to disturb your perfect fucking family.”
I don’t wait for her to respond. I don’t listen to her call for me to come back. I leave the library and begin driving. I drive to the nearest bar and plan my night.
Drinks, more drinks, bring a little blonde home, fuck her, kick her out, drink more. Repeat. Forever.
The landlord was right, she changed. Her once long blonde hair is now cut shoulder length, a soft auburn. Her hazel eyes are gorgeous as ever, but look sad. She’s still tiny. She’s goddamn beautiful.
“Jesus Christ Emma.” I crush her against my chest. “Emma, Emma, Emma.”
She doesn’t hug me back but I don’t care. I’m mad at her but I don’t care. She’s in my arms and THAT I care about. It’s all I’ve wanted for the past 3 years, even when I was furious with her. I sob.
“Hey.” She wraps her arms around my neck and strokes my hair. “It’s okay.”
“No it’s not.” I choke. “It’s never been okay since you left Em. What the hell were you thinking?”
“Shh.” She strokes my hair. “I’ll explain I just want you to stop crying. You’re breaking my heart.”
I pull away from her, furious. “I’M breaking YOUR heart? Oh god fucking forbid Emma! You left mine shattered in a million and two fucking pieces and never looked back. Do you have ANY idea how hard that was for me?”
“I’m sorry.” She cries. “I didn’t want that. I didn’t want any of it!”
“Then why the hell did you do it?” I shout.
“It’s not that simple Jack.” Emma stands up. “You have no idea what I went through.”
“I thought we were closer than that Em. We told each other everything. I thought we did at least.” I fold my hands on top of my head.
“How did you even find me?” She asks.
“Well Mae,” I roll my eyes. “I went to call that number you called Alex from. Thanks for that by the way. I could’ve really used a phone call. Anyway, I traced it back to that shelter in Brooklyn. Apparently they took better care of you than I ever could have. Then I traced it back to the apartment, the landlord, and then I held a concert here tonight to see if anyone knew anything. A few girls said you worked at this library so here I am.”
Her eyes are filled with tears. “You did all of that just to look for me?”
“What did you think I was going to do? I would’ve done it earlier but Alex told me about that phone call 3 days ago.”
“I ruined your life Jack.” She shakes her head. “You need to walk away now.”
“Like hell I will!” I laugh bitterly. “I have way too many questions to ask you. I came here for closure and that’s it. The least you can do is give it to me.”
She nods. “Follow me.”
I stand up and follow her. She leads me to a small table with two chairs and sits in one.
“So ask what you want.” Emma bites her lip nervously as I sit down. Holy hell have I missed that lip biting.
“Why?” I start with my most pressing question as I pull the list of questions out of my wallet.
“Can you please leave that one for last Jack?” She begs. “Please. You’ll understand.”
I look at her, before deciding that I trust her. For some stupid fucking reason I still trust her. “Why Boston?”
She relaxes a little. “I just like the feel of this town. It’s so beautiful. There’s a lot of history here and I feel at peace.”
“Why did you contact Alex instead of me?” I stare down at the paper.
“Well you pretty much answered that yourself. Notice how Alex didn’t come looking for me? Yet here you are, sitting right in front of me only 3 days after finding out about the phone call.” She laughs nervously. The sound drives me insane. “I didn’t want you to come looking for me.”
“Did you cheat on me?” I ask quietly.
“Never.” She answers. “Never in my life would I have ever dreamed of doing that to you. I meant every word I said when I told you I loved you Jack.”
“What about now? Do you have a boyfriend?” I look up at her.
“Jack-“
“No. I want to know.” I look her in the eye.
“Yes.” She whispers, without breaking eye contact. “He and I live together.”
My world falls apart, but I don’t let her see that. “How long have you been together?”
“4 or 5 months.” Emma looks away, ashamed.
“That’s nice.” I say sarcastically. “I don’t have any more questions for now except for that first one. Why did you leave?”
“I can’t tell you.” Tears begin to fall.
“Fuck you Emma. Or should I just call you Mae since the Emma I know is dead and gone. You owe me this. You fucked my life up so goddamn badly you have no idea. Answer me.” I shake angrily.
“I was pregnant.” Her voice is barely above a whisper.
Everything stops. The anger, the confusion, the love, all of it. It just stops. I have nothing to say any longer.
“Jack.” She begs. “Please say something.”
My mind is blank. “I have a kid?”
Emma nods and cries harder. “I’m so sorry.”
“I have a kid.” I repeat.
“Jack I’m sorry.” She covers her mouth with her hands.
“When were you going to tell me?” I ask calmly. “If ever.”
“Whenever you found me I guess. I just wanted you to have a life where you could pursue your dreams. I wanted you to be happy.” Emma explains.
“Wanted me to be happy?” My jaw drops. “The happiest I’ve ever been was with you.”
“Jack look at you. You’re in a band with your 3 best friends. You guys are making money by doing what you love. I watch you in interviews and you are living your dream. I knew then that you would be an amazing musician and I was right. If I had told you, none of that would’ve happened. We’d be living together struggling to pay bills while taking care of a baby we didn’t even want. You would’ve had to tell your mom you knocked me up. You would’ve had to get a minimum wage job, maybe even 2. It wouldn’t have been the life you’re living now.” She assures me.
I’m quiet again, processing what she said. “I would’ve done all of that. I would’ve done it all happily. Thanks for giving me a shot at making music but you’re all I wanted. If we were homeless I wouldn’t care. You were my happiness.”
“You were my happiness too. It was so hard without you.” She whimpers.
“How did you manage then? I want to know.” I press.
“Same way I always did.” Emma smiles sadly, her hazel eyes glossy with tears.
She didn’t need to say anymore. I know she means cutting. I nod. “Yeah well same here.”
“Jack, no.” The tears spill over.
“What did you expect? My life had never been harder.” I shake my head, the scars tingling as I speak. “How is our child?”
“She’s beautiful. She’s almost 2 and a half years old but she’s so smart already. She has your eyes Jack.” Emma laughs through tears. “She does so many things that remind me of you.”
“She.” I repeat. “I have a daughter.”
“A daughter.” Emma nods.
“I want to meet her.” I tell Emma.
“I don’t know about that.” She stands up quickly and starts pacing nervously. “She’s getting to the age where she is asking me questions. What if she asks me who you are?”
“Tell her the goddamn truth.” I say angrily. “I’m her father Emma. There’s not much you can do about that. I want to meet my child.”
“I’ll have to check with Sam.” She looks away.
“Sam? The boyfriend of 4 months? Holy hell, he’s playing house with you. He’s home alone with her right now, isn’t he? He’s playing daddy to my daughter?” I stand up, furious.
“Jack please.” She backs away, afraid.
“No fuck this!” I yell. “Don’t tell Sam anything. I wouldn’t want to disturb your perfect fucking family.”
I don’t wait for her to respond. I don’t listen to her call for me to come back. I leave the library and begin driving. I drive to the nearest bar and plan my night.
Drinks, more drinks, bring a little blonde home, fuck her, kick her out, drink more. Repeat. Forever.
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14