Find a Reason to Feel
2
The line for our meet and greet has only about 20 kids today. I’m relieved because I want to go explore this place with Alex. North Carolina is beautiful and I can just see the mountains in the back of this place. I have to pay close attention to these 20 kids though because one of them could be Emma. I look for her at every concert, every meet and greet, every city.
“Hi there.” I smile up at the girl giving me a poster to sign.
“Hi.” She squeaks. “You guys were amazing!”
“Thank you.” I grin and give her a high five. “Stay safe out there today.”
She moves down the table to get Zack and Rian’s signature. Definitely not Emma.
“Still looking for her?” Alex murmurs from my right hand side.
“Fuck off.” I snap.
A few guys move through the line, and I can’t help but wonder if they know Emma. The ghost of our past drives me nuts and haunts me every second of the day. I can’t do something as simple as doing a signing without Emma coming into my mind.
“Is Jalex real?” A girl who looks to be about 14 asks.
“You bet it is.” Alex grins and plants a kiss on my cheek.
I pull away, not even in the mood to play Jalex. I sign the girl’s poster with a fake smile and send her on her way. The line moves through and not one of those girls is Emma. I have no doubt in my mind. The guys and I make our way back to our tour bus.
“What do you guys want to do?” Alex asks as he shuts the bus door behind us. “We have all day.”
“I’m gonna stick around and watch Hey Monday preform.” Rian grins.
“Could you just hook up with Cassadee already?” I groan.
“You’re just jealous.” Rian calls as he walks off the bus.
“I think I’m just going to hang back here and skate around for a bit. Maybe I’ll walk around.” Zack shrugs.
“That leaves you and me.” I jerk my chin towards Alex. “What’ll it be?”
“I want to talk to you first.” He sighs.
Zack leaves the bus understandingly leaving Alex and I to talk.
“This Emma crap is getting worse Jack.” Alex folds his arms over his chest.
“I know.” I throw my head in my hands. “The dreams don’t stop and I just feel worse and worse as the days go on. I’m tired of this.”
“What’s it going to take?” He asks.
“I need to see her man. I need to see her.” I shut my eyes tightly to hold back any tears.
It’s quiet for a little while before Alex clears his throat.
“She contacted me once.”
My head jerks up and all I want to do is beat the shit out of him.
“WHAT?” I yell.
“Easy, Jack.” He backs up quickly. “Let me explain.”
“Please, explain how you could hide something like that from me!” I growl.
“She told me to! She called me like 5 or 6 months after she left. You were so crazy at the time I didn’t want to make it worse. I haven’t talked to her since but I kept the number she called me from. It wasn’t her phone number and she wouldn’t tell me who’s it was. She made me promise not to tell you. Emma called to tell me that she was safe and to take care of you. She was really worried about you man.” Alex explains.
“Where is the phone number?” I say calmly.
“What?” He looks at me confused.
“Where is the phone number she called you from?” I repeat myself.
“I’ll show it to you but Jack this needs to be the end. I don’t want this to be the beginning of a new, crazy Jack. I want this to be closure. It’s starting to affect our band’s image. You are pretty snappy with some of the fans.” Alex rubs his eyes in frustration.
“I’m telling you right now I’m tracing this phone number back to the owner and finding out where she is. When I finish asking her my questions, then that’ll be closure.” I warn him.
“That’s fine. This just needs to end now.” Alex sighs.
I follow Alex to his bunk with my emotions all mixed up. I can’t tell if I’m excited, angry, grateful, nervous, worried or anything. My heart is racing and I can’t control my mind. I just need this so badly.
“Here.” Alex scribbles the number on a paper and hands it to me. “Let me know if you need me.”
“I’m calling this number now so stick around if you want.” I shrug.
Alex nods and stays by my side as I dial the number with shaky hands. It rings about 3 times before someone answers.
“The Gathering Place.” A man answers.
“Hi. Um, who is this?” I stutter, confused.
“Jared. Can I help you sir?” He asks.
“Hi Jared. I’m just trying to locate a friend and she called from this number once.” I explain.
“Well this is a shelter in Brooklyn for people who need somewhere to stay temporarily, employment referrals, medical care, and other options. She may have stayed here for a while.” He says.
“Can you look her up and see if you have any information on her?” I ask.
“I’m sorry sir, but all information is confidential.” The man replies.
“I understand. Thank you.” I hang up.
I drop my phone on the ground and throw my head in my hands. I start to cry like there is no tomorrow. A homeless shelter? Was I really that bad of a caretaker that she resorted to a homeless shelter? Who knows how long it took her to get to Brooklyn.
“It’s okay.” Alex hugs me. “She was safe.”
“In a fucking homeless shelter Alex. What was so wrong with me that she couldn’t just stay with me?” I pull on my hair.
“It was her choice Jack. It had nothing to do with you.” He assures me.
“IT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME!” I yell and stand up. “You don’t get it Alex! You were close with her and that was fine but she was the only reason for my existence! My world revolved around her in every way and now she’s gone. I’ve sat here for 3 fucking years dreaming about the day I see her again. Now I find out that she was in a homeless shelter because apparently they could take better care of her than I could. I failed her.” I fall on my knees. “I failed her Alex.”
Alex places his hand on my shoulder but I jerk away. I run off of the bus and through the parking lot. I run as far as my skinny jeans will let me and stop. My knees give out and I fall on the concrete surface.
“Jack?” I hear a sweet voice call for me.
I look up and lock eyes with a tall, blonde hair blue eyed girl. She’s wearing a top that is clearly focused on showing off her boobs.
“Do I know you?” I furrow my eyebrows.
“No you don’t.” She laughs. “You’re Jack Barakat though so I know you. Well not personally. Well, you know what I mean.”
She’s so nervous and it’s actually kind of cute.
“Do you wanna hang out on my tour bus with me?” I ask suddenly.
“Sure.” She squeaks and flashes me a pretty smile.
I stand up and grab her hand, leading her to the bus. She’s not much shorter than me, certainly not the dainty figure that Emma had. I pray that Alex isn’t on the tour bus as I open the door.
“Jack.” I hear him jump up.
He stops dead in his tracks when he sees the girl trailing me.
“Seriously? We’re doing this again?” He rolls his eyes.
“Fuck off Alex.” I shove him to the side while I grab the blonde by the hand.
“This is exhausting Jack. Grow up.” Alex slams the tour bus door behind him.
I feel like Alex and I switched spots. When Emma was still around, he was using cocaine and screwing a girl that was using him. Now here I am, screwing a girl I don’t care about to cope with my fucked up feelings.
“I thought you guys were closer.” The blonde pipes up as I lead her to my bunk.
“Yeah.” Is all I say as I pull her into my bunk with me.
“So it’s true?” She murmurs as she kisses my neck. “Jack Barakat likes to fuck?”
I flip her around so she’s lying on my bunk. “You better fucking believe it.”
“Hi there.” I smile up at the girl giving me a poster to sign.
“Hi.” She squeaks. “You guys were amazing!”
“Thank you.” I grin and give her a high five. “Stay safe out there today.”
She moves down the table to get Zack and Rian’s signature. Definitely not Emma.
“Still looking for her?” Alex murmurs from my right hand side.
“Fuck off.” I snap.
A few guys move through the line, and I can’t help but wonder if they know Emma. The ghost of our past drives me nuts and haunts me every second of the day. I can’t do something as simple as doing a signing without Emma coming into my mind.
“Is Jalex real?” A girl who looks to be about 14 asks.
“You bet it is.” Alex grins and plants a kiss on my cheek.
I pull away, not even in the mood to play Jalex. I sign the girl’s poster with a fake smile and send her on her way. The line moves through and not one of those girls is Emma. I have no doubt in my mind. The guys and I make our way back to our tour bus.
“What do you guys want to do?” Alex asks as he shuts the bus door behind us. “We have all day.”
“I’m gonna stick around and watch Hey Monday preform.” Rian grins.
“Could you just hook up with Cassadee already?” I groan.
“You’re just jealous.” Rian calls as he walks off the bus.
“I think I’m just going to hang back here and skate around for a bit. Maybe I’ll walk around.” Zack shrugs.
“That leaves you and me.” I jerk my chin towards Alex. “What’ll it be?”
“I want to talk to you first.” He sighs.
Zack leaves the bus understandingly leaving Alex and I to talk.
“This Emma crap is getting worse Jack.” Alex folds his arms over his chest.
“I know.” I throw my head in my hands. “The dreams don’t stop and I just feel worse and worse as the days go on. I’m tired of this.”
“What’s it going to take?” He asks.
“I need to see her man. I need to see her.” I shut my eyes tightly to hold back any tears.
It’s quiet for a little while before Alex clears his throat.
“She contacted me once.”
My head jerks up and all I want to do is beat the shit out of him.
“WHAT?” I yell.
“Easy, Jack.” He backs up quickly. “Let me explain.”
“Please, explain how you could hide something like that from me!” I growl.
“She told me to! She called me like 5 or 6 months after she left. You were so crazy at the time I didn’t want to make it worse. I haven’t talked to her since but I kept the number she called me from. It wasn’t her phone number and she wouldn’t tell me who’s it was. She made me promise not to tell you. Emma called to tell me that she was safe and to take care of you. She was really worried about you man.” Alex explains.
“Where is the phone number?” I say calmly.
“What?” He looks at me confused.
“Where is the phone number she called you from?” I repeat myself.
“I’ll show it to you but Jack this needs to be the end. I don’t want this to be the beginning of a new, crazy Jack. I want this to be closure. It’s starting to affect our band’s image. You are pretty snappy with some of the fans.” Alex rubs his eyes in frustration.
“I’m telling you right now I’m tracing this phone number back to the owner and finding out where she is. When I finish asking her my questions, then that’ll be closure.” I warn him.
“That’s fine. This just needs to end now.” Alex sighs.
I follow Alex to his bunk with my emotions all mixed up. I can’t tell if I’m excited, angry, grateful, nervous, worried or anything. My heart is racing and I can’t control my mind. I just need this so badly.
“Here.” Alex scribbles the number on a paper and hands it to me. “Let me know if you need me.”
“I’m calling this number now so stick around if you want.” I shrug.
Alex nods and stays by my side as I dial the number with shaky hands. It rings about 3 times before someone answers.
“The Gathering Place.” A man answers.
“Hi. Um, who is this?” I stutter, confused.
“Jared. Can I help you sir?” He asks.
“Hi Jared. I’m just trying to locate a friend and she called from this number once.” I explain.
“Well this is a shelter in Brooklyn for people who need somewhere to stay temporarily, employment referrals, medical care, and other options. She may have stayed here for a while.” He says.
“Can you look her up and see if you have any information on her?” I ask.
“I’m sorry sir, but all information is confidential.” The man replies.
“I understand. Thank you.” I hang up.
I drop my phone on the ground and throw my head in my hands. I start to cry like there is no tomorrow. A homeless shelter? Was I really that bad of a caretaker that she resorted to a homeless shelter? Who knows how long it took her to get to Brooklyn.
“It’s okay.” Alex hugs me. “She was safe.”
“In a fucking homeless shelter Alex. What was so wrong with me that she couldn’t just stay with me?” I pull on my hair.
“It was her choice Jack. It had nothing to do with you.” He assures me.
“IT HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME!” I yell and stand up. “You don’t get it Alex! You were close with her and that was fine but she was the only reason for my existence! My world revolved around her in every way and now she’s gone. I’ve sat here for 3 fucking years dreaming about the day I see her again. Now I find out that she was in a homeless shelter because apparently they could take better care of her than I could. I failed her.” I fall on my knees. “I failed her Alex.”
Alex places his hand on my shoulder but I jerk away. I run off of the bus and through the parking lot. I run as far as my skinny jeans will let me and stop. My knees give out and I fall on the concrete surface.
“Jack?” I hear a sweet voice call for me.
I look up and lock eyes with a tall, blonde hair blue eyed girl. She’s wearing a top that is clearly focused on showing off her boobs.
“Do I know you?” I furrow my eyebrows.
“No you don’t.” She laughs. “You’re Jack Barakat though so I know you. Well not personally. Well, you know what I mean.”
She’s so nervous and it’s actually kind of cute.
“Do you wanna hang out on my tour bus with me?” I ask suddenly.
“Sure.” She squeaks and flashes me a pretty smile.
I stand up and grab her hand, leading her to the bus. She’s not much shorter than me, certainly not the dainty figure that Emma had. I pray that Alex isn’t on the tour bus as I open the door.
“Jack.” I hear him jump up.
He stops dead in his tracks when he sees the girl trailing me.
“Seriously? We’re doing this again?” He rolls his eyes.
“Fuck off Alex.” I shove him to the side while I grab the blonde by the hand.
“This is exhausting Jack. Grow up.” Alex slams the tour bus door behind him.
I feel like Alex and I switched spots. When Emma was still around, he was using cocaine and screwing a girl that was using him. Now here I am, screwing a girl I don’t care about to cope with my fucked up feelings.
“I thought you guys were closer.” The blonde pipes up as I lead her to my bunk.
“Yeah.” Is all I say as I pull her into my bunk with me.
“So it’s true?” She murmurs as she kisses my neck. “Jack Barakat likes to fuck?”
I flip her around so she’s lying on my bunk. “You better fucking believe it.”
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14