Find a Reason to Feel
3
It’s been a few days since Alex gave me the phone number and I already have it engraved in my mind. Warped Tour ended today and I couldn’t be more thrilled. I haven’t been on my best behavior these past three days. It’s been a new girl every night and a lot of alcohol to follow that up. It’s taken me a while to clear my head but I know what to do now.
“Kiddo.” Alex slings an arm around my shoulder drunkenly. “Drink up! Warped Tour is over man. We can sleep in as much as we want in the morning. The night is here and it’s time to party!”
“Alex I gotta get out of here.” I shout at him over the music pounding in the tour bus. “I’m going to Brooklyn tonight.”
“Be careful, okay? Call me when you land buddy.” He hugs me tightly.
We made up the day after I brought the blonde back, realizing that we both miss Emma and have our own ways of coping, which are actually quite similar.
I hug him back, grab my suitcase, and hop off the bus before anyone notices. I don’t have enough time to go around and say goodbye, but I’ll see them again soon. My cab is already waiting outside the bus and knows exactly where to go.
The drive is fairly short, but I arrive at Houston’s George Bush International Airport. Every part of my body shakes as I go through the x-ray scanner and I realize I probably look extremely suspicious. I start glancing around at officers, hoping they don’t notice but the glancing is attracting more attention. They stop me during the scan and have us re-do it. I pass clean, but I can feel their stares follow me all the way to my terminal.
It’s taking every ounce of my being not to sprint through the connector and onto the plane. I’m one of the first people to board since I try to keep a low profile. I already heard a few girls calling my name through the terminal but fuck them, I need to get out of here.
I burrow into my first class seat, flip my hoodie up, and shut my eyes. My plans are to sleep the entire flight, this way I don’t have to dwell in my emotions. I already have a hotel booked for when I get there and a driver waiting to take me. If I get any sleep tonight, I’ll wake up in the morning, go to the shelter, and see what I can find out.
The plane begins to get noisy so I start listening to my iPod. I hit shuffle and Blink 182 blares through my earphones, making me miss Emma. She used to wear my Blink 182 shirts like dresses, swaying above her knees as she glided through my house.
“Wake up baby.” I feel a pair of lips flutter across my shoulder.
“What time is it?” I mumble into the pillow, not wanting to move away.
“Time to wake up.” She giggles, and I swear it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.
“Smart ass.” I tease her. “Get off of me so I can hold you.”
Emma rolls over on to the bed next to me and I pull her into my arms. We snuggle in silence, both lost in our own thoughts. I can’t help but feel that this is perfect. The most beautiful girl is in my arms, wearing my clothes, after another night of making love. I always thought that term was so dumb but with her, that’s exactly what it is.
I look down at her and kiss her forehead softly. She has her eyes closed, but I can see a small smile pull at her lips. My fingers run through her long, blonde hair and down her back. I stare at every little speck of her, loving it all. If I could stare at her all day, I probably would.
The messed up thing about my thoughts is that I’m happy she’s having family problems. I was always afraid she would move back with her parents to take care of Chris, but now he’s living in the room next to mine. It’s not even the sex I want from her. I just want to fall asleep with her every night. If I wake up in the night or early in the morning, I make sure I’m still holding her so she never wakes up alone.
She sits up quickly, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Jack, get dressed! Chris is in the room next to us.” She hisses.
I laugh and sit up. “You didn’t seem to mind that too much last night.”
She groans, humiliated and in love. “Yeah but this time Chris is next door and your door is open. Please, for me?” Emma bats her hazel, beautiful eyes at me sarcastically but she has no idea what affect it has on me.
I stand up and stretch, teasing her a little. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as I shut the door, and I see her having to physically shake herself out of her thoughts. She hops up and flutters to my closet with my favorite Blink 182 shirt swaying above her knees. My gray boxers peek out from under the hemline and I can’t help but feel totally, and irrevocably in love with this girl.
A tap on my shoulder shakes me out of my thoughts and I turn to see the stewardess.
“Excuse me sir, I need you to turn off all electronics until we get in the air.” She smiles sweetly.
“Okay.” I reply shortly, pissed she interrupted me.
The stewardess walks away and I flip her the bird behind her back. She doesn’t realize how hard it is for me to find a moment with Emma where I still cherish the good times. I tried so hard for so long, to train my brain to hate every single moment with her. It’s easier to hate her than to miss her, but it turns out I hate and miss her. That’s much harder to deal with.
The plane begins to go down the runway and my stomach erupts with butterflies. I don’t have flying problems, but I know that the next time I hit land; I’ll be in the city Emma was in.
One step closer to closure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Where to sir?” The cab driver turns to me.
“The Gathering Place on Atlantic Avenue.” I slap the address into his hand and take a sip of my coffee.
“You got it.” The man begins to drive.
The only reason I’m taking off at 9 in the morning is because it took me about two hours to get ready. The thought of possibly seeing Emma today made me throw up 3 times. What if I see her?
I clutch the paper in my pocket and let out a sigh of relief. I brought the note she left me, and a paper of questions I’ve come up with over the three years. I won’t forget any.
The trees pass by us quickly as we get closer and closer to the shelter. I purposely reserved a hotel as close to the building as possible so I wouldn’t have to wait long. Sure enough, after about 5 minutes, the driver pulls up to a large, run down building.
“This is it bud.” He turns to me.
I pay him and thank him, almost too afraid to leave the cab. I cross the sidewalk and walk up the stone stairs, my heart faltering with each step. My hand curls up into a fist and goes to knock, but doesn’t move.
Deep breaths Jack.
Deep, deep breaths.
I knock on the door and I hear a buzzer go off. I open the door and step inside the building that might still hold my world.
“Good morning sir.” A woman about the age of 40 greets me. “Do you need to check in?”
“No.” I shake my head quickly and approach the desk she sits at. “I was actually hoping for…a tour.”
If I get a tour, I might catch sight of Emma. If I don’t I can always ask for information.
“I’m sorry sir but we don’t do that.” She shakes her head with a small smile. “Confidentiality.”
“So I take it you won’t be able to show me any files?” I throw her my saddest smile, pulling my hood down. Hopefully, she’s a fan. A 40-year old fan…
She looks at me for a moment. “You’re Jack Barakat, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.” I shrug, feigning indifference. “You caught me.”
She laughs. “My daughter loves you and your band. Now what were you saying about files?”
“Well here’s the thing…” I read her nameplate. “Donna. I had this friend Emma and she just disappeared one day. One of my friends got a call from her at the phone number of this shelter. It’s been about 3 years but I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. I just really need some closure because it’s starting to affect my music. Do you think you can help me?”
Donna looks torn. “Jack I’m really sorry. My job is at risk. These documents are very private. We don’t have documents for a lot of people even, being as we get many homeless strangers.”
“If I show you a picture of her do you think you could at least confirm that you’ve seen her?” I beg.
She lets out a long sigh. “Okay. Let me see it.”
I pull out my wallet quickly and pull the photo I have of her out. It’s a picture of her when she was playing my guitar. She didn’t know I took it, but that’s why I love it. I caught her right as she looked up at my phone, when she was laughing.
Donna takes the photo from me and examines it closely. I watch her face light up in recognition.
“She’s been here before.” She confirms for me. “She was here for a few months. We helped her get a job, a small apartment out here, and whatever medical help she required. It didn’t take her long to get on her feet. I was quite close to her. She invited me over to her apartment a few times and I could tell she was really proud of herself. Her name wasn’t Emma though.”
I sigh in relief, ignoring what she said about her name not being Emma. Donna probably just forgot. “That’s amazing. Where is the apartment?”
“Jack-“
“Donna, please. Level with me here just for a second.” I beg her. “Emma wasn’t just a friend. I was in love with her. She was literally my other half. When she left, I was destroyed. I still am. I need closure so badly and the only way to get it is if I ask her some questions. I’ll play at your daughter’s birthday party every year until she gets sick of me. I swear if anything comes back to you, I’ll tell them I held a gun to your head for this information. Please Donna.”
“She mentioned you a lot.” Donna realizes. “I just never put two and two together. You’re the Jack she always talked about. Wow. I feel like I’m meeting an even bigger star now.”
I wince at the thought of Emma talking about me. The way she would say my name, or when she would call me Jackypoo. “Please, I really need this.”
She groans and throws her head in her hands. “My daughter would kill me if I ever said no to this. Not to mention, I’m a sucker for love.”
“So you’ll help me?” I bite my lip.
“I’ll give you the address.” She sighs. “But that is the last thing Jack!”
“That’s all I need.” I can’t wipe this stupid smile off my face.
3 years. I’ve waited 3 years for this moment. Finally.
“Kiddo.” Alex slings an arm around my shoulder drunkenly. “Drink up! Warped Tour is over man. We can sleep in as much as we want in the morning. The night is here and it’s time to party!”
“Alex I gotta get out of here.” I shout at him over the music pounding in the tour bus. “I’m going to Brooklyn tonight.”
“Be careful, okay? Call me when you land buddy.” He hugs me tightly.
We made up the day after I brought the blonde back, realizing that we both miss Emma and have our own ways of coping, which are actually quite similar.
I hug him back, grab my suitcase, and hop off the bus before anyone notices. I don’t have enough time to go around and say goodbye, but I’ll see them again soon. My cab is already waiting outside the bus and knows exactly where to go.
The drive is fairly short, but I arrive at Houston’s George Bush International Airport. Every part of my body shakes as I go through the x-ray scanner and I realize I probably look extremely suspicious. I start glancing around at officers, hoping they don’t notice but the glancing is attracting more attention. They stop me during the scan and have us re-do it. I pass clean, but I can feel their stares follow me all the way to my terminal.
It’s taking every ounce of my being not to sprint through the connector and onto the plane. I’m one of the first people to board since I try to keep a low profile. I already heard a few girls calling my name through the terminal but fuck them, I need to get out of here.
I burrow into my first class seat, flip my hoodie up, and shut my eyes. My plans are to sleep the entire flight, this way I don’t have to dwell in my emotions. I already have a hotel booked for when I get there and a driver waiting to take me. If I get any sleep tonight, I’ll wake up in the morning, go to the shelter, and see what I can find out.
The plane begins to get noisy so I start listening to my iPod. I hit shuffle and Blink 182 blares through my earphones, making me miss Emma. She used to wear my Blink 182 shirts like dresses, swaying above her knees as she glided through my house.
“Wake up baby.” I feel a pair of lips flutter across my shoulder.
“What time is it?” I mumble into the pillow, not wanting to move away.
“Time to wake up.” She giggles, and I swear it’s the most beautiful sound in the world.
“Smart ass.” I tease her. “Get off of me so I can hold you.”
Emma rolls over on to the bed next to me and I pull her into my arms. We snuggle in silence, both lost in our own thoughts. I can’t help but feel that this is perfect. The most beautiful girl is in my arms, wearing my clothes, after another night of making love. I always thought that term was so dumb but with her, that’s exactly what it is.
I look down at her and kiss her forehead softly. She has her eyes closed, but I can see a small smile pull at her lips. My fingers run through her long, blonde hair and down her back. I stare at every little speck of her, loving it all. If I could stare at her all day, I probably would.
The messed up thing about my thoughts is that I’m happy she’s having family problems. I was always afraid she would move back with her parents to take care of Chris, but now he’s living in the room next to mine. It’s not even the sex I want from her. I just want to fall asleep with her every night. If I wake up in the night or early in the morning, I make sure I’m still holding her so she never wakes up alone.
She sits up quickly, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Jack, get dressed! Chris is in the room next to us.” She hisses.
I laugh and sit up. “You didn’t seem to mind that too much last night.”
She groans, humiliated and in love. “Yeah but this time Chris is next door and your door is open. Please, for me?” Emma bats her hazel, beautiful eyes at me sarcastically but she has no idea what affect it has on me.
I stand up and stretch, teasing her a little. I watch her out of the corner of my eye as I shut the door, and I see her having to physically shake herself out of her thoughts. She hops up and flutters to my closet with my favorite Blink 182 shirt swaying above her knees. My gray boxers peek out from under the hemline and I can’t help but feel totally, and irrevocably in love with this girl.
A tap on my shoulder shakes me out of my thoughts and I turn to see the stewardess.
“Excuse me sir, I need you to turn off all electronics until we get in the air.” She smiles sweetly.
“Okay.” I reply shortly, pissed she interrupted me.
The stewardess walks away and I flip her the bird behind her back. She doesn’t realize how hard it is for me to find a moment with Emma where I still cherish the good times. I tried so hard for so long, to train my brain to hate every single moment with her. It’s easier to hate her than to miss her, but it turns out I hate and miss her. That’s much harder to deal with.
The plane begins to go down the runway and my stomach erupts with butterflies. I don’t have flying problems, but I know that the next time I hit land; I’ll be in the city Emma was in.
One step closer to closure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Where to sir?” The cab driver turns to me.
“The Gathering Place on Atlantic Avenue.” I slap the address into his hand and take a sip of my coffee.
“You got it.” The man begins to drive.
The only reason I’m taking off at 9 in the morning is because it took me about two hours to get ready. The thought of possibly seeing Emma today made me throw up 3 times. What if I see her?
I clutch the paper in my pocket and let out a sigh of relief. I brought the note she left me, and a paper of questions I’ve come up with over the three years. I won’t forget any.
The trees pass by us quickly as we get closer and closer to the shelter. I purposely reserved a hotel as close to the building as possible so I wouldn’t have to wait long. Sure enough, after about 5 minutes, the driver pulls up to a large, run down building.
“This is it bud.” He turns to me.
I pay him and thank him, almost too afraid to leave the cab. I cross the sidewalk and walk up the stone stairs, my heart faltering with each step. My hand curls up into a fist and goes to knock, but doesn’t move.
Deep breaths Jack.
Deep, deep breaths.
I knock on the door and I hear a buzzer go off. I open the door and step inside the building that might still hold my world.
“Good morning sir.” A woman about the age of 40 greets me. “Do you need to check in?”
“No.” I shake my head quickly and approach the desk she sits at. “I was actually hoping for…a tour.”
If I get a tour, I might catch sight of Emma. If I don’t I can always ask for information.
“I’m sorry sir but we don’t do that.” She shakes her head with a small smile. “Confidentiality.”
“So I take it you won’t be able to show me any files?” I throw her my saddest smile, pulling my hood down. Hopefully, she’s a fan. A 40-year old fan…
She looks at me for a moment. “You’re Jack Barakat, aren’t you?”
“Yeah.” I shrug, feigning indifference. “You caught me.”
She laughs. “My daughter loves you and your band. Now what were you saying about files?”
“Well here’s the thing…” I read her nameplate. “Donna. I had this friend Emma and she just disappeared one day. One of my friends got a call from her at the phone number of this shelter. It’s been about 3 years but I can’t seem to get her out of my mind. I just really need some closure because it’s starting to affect my music. Do you think you can help me?”
Donna looks torn. “Jack I’m really sorry. My job is at risk. These documents are very private. We don’t have documents for a lot of people even, being as we get many homeless strangers.”
“If I show you a picture of her do you think you could at least confirm that you’ve seen her?” I beg.
She lets out a long sigh. “Okay. Let me see it.”
I pull out my wallet quickly and pull the photo I have of her out. It’s a picture of her when she was playing my guitar. She didn’t know I took it, but that’s why I love it. I caught her right as she looked up at my phone, when she was laughing.
Donna takes the photo from me and examines it closely. I watch her face light up in recognition.
“She’s been here before.” She confirms for me. “She was here for a few months. We helped her get a job, a small apartment out here, and whatever medical help she required. It didn’t take her long to get on her feet. I was quite close to her. She invited me over to her apartment a few times and I could tell she was really proud of herself. Her name wasn’t Emma though.”
I sigh in relief, ignoring what she said about her name not being Emma. Donna probably just forgot. “That’s amazing. Where is the apartment?”
“Jack-“
“Donna, please. Level with me here just for a second.” I beg her. “Emma wasn’t just a friend. I was in love with her. She was literally my other half. When she left, I was destroyed. I still am. I need closure so badly and the only way to get it is if I ask her some questions. I’ll play at your daughter’s birthday party every year until she gets sick of me. I swear if anything comes back to you, I’ll tell them I held a gun to your head for this information. Please Donna.”
“She mentioned you a lot.” Donna realizes. “I just never put two and two together. You’re the Jack she always talked about. Wow. I feel like I’m meeting an even bigger star now.”
I wince at the thought of Emma talking about me. The way she would say my name, or when she would call me Jackypoo. “Please, I really need this.”
She groans and throws her head in her hands. “My daughter would kill me if I ever said no to this. Not to mention, I’m a sucker for love.”
“So you’ll help me?” I bite my lip.
“I’ll give you the address.” She sighs. “But that is the last thing Jack!”
“That’s all I need.” I can’t wipe this stupid smile off my face.
3 years. I’ve waited 3 years for this moment. Finally.
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14