Find a Reason to Feel
1
“Emmabear! I’m home.” I sing into the quiet house.
I don’t hear her respond, but I’m not surprised. She’s probably asleep. I creep into my bedroom and see her curled up on the right side of the bed, facing the wall. I sneak up from behind her and wrap my arm around her, pulling her to my chest. As I pull, I feel nothing. I look down and realize that it’s just a pile of her clothes. I look around confused and that’s when I see a note on my bed stand.
“EMMA.” I gasp and sit straight up in my bunk, nearly hitting my head on Zack’s.
I throw my head in my hands and let out a shaky breath for what feels like the millionth time. It’s been 3 years and these stupid night terrors won’t go away. They occur night after night, varying from finding a pile of clothes, to even her corpse. The worst is when I find her.
I crawl out of my bunk and drag my feet to the main part of the bus. Alex is the only one awake eating a bagel and watching the news.
“Morning champ.” He grins at me from the couch.
Emma was right. Alex and I had more in common than I thought. We both cared about her like there was no tomorrow. If there was one person who felt my pain, it was Alex. We both had a love for music and ended up forming a band not long after her disappearance. It gave me a distraction, which was exactly what I needed. Alex found Zack and Rian messing around at a skate park one day and they all just hit it off. If it weren’t for Alex who knows where I would be.
“Hey.” I grunt and grab a box of Cookie Crisp.
“Nightmare again?” He asks.
“Yup.” I reply dryly and plop down on the couch next to him.
“What was it this time?”
“I went to go snuggle her and it was just a pile of her clothes. Then I found the note and that’s when I woke up.” I explain.
He nods thoughtfully. “I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe if you stopped using her hoodie as a pillowcase, you would stop having these dreams.”
“The sick part is I almost don’t want these dreams to stop. Then she’d be gone for good.” I run my hand through my black hair.
“I know man, I know.” Alex throws an arm around my shoulder and gives me a quick hug. “I’m here for you. I just think you should start letting go. She didn’t want you to find her and I’m sure she wouldn’t want you suffering like this.”
“Morning guys.” Rian comes walking out from the bunks, stretching.
“Morning.” We grunt in return.
“How did everyone sleep?” He asks as he plops down on the couch across from us.
“Great.” I lie. I don’t talk about my night terrors with anyone but Alex. No one else understands how special she was.
“Good shit. Where are we?” He peeks out of the window.
“We’re about a little outside of Charlotte.” Alex answers. “Driver said we should be there in an hour.”
Rian nods thoughtfully, grabs an apple, and goes back to the bunks.
“If she didn’t want me suffering she never would have left.” I pick up where we left off.
“You read the note Jack. She said she was keeping you from hurting. I know she loved you man; she wouldn’t have done this to you. The way she talked about you, even when you weren’t around. It was true love Jack. She was nuts about you.” Alex shakes his head.
“Stop.” I stand up quickly. “Just. That’s enough.”
“Jack-“
“Nah its fine man. Just let me be for a little.” I step away from Alex before he can respond.
I set my bowl in the sink and make my way back to my bunk. I flop in and close the curtain, grabbing my iPod out. I curl up under my covers and snuggle my face against her hoodie and breathe deeply, trying to locate just the slightest bit of her scent. I turn on Skyway Avenue, a song I only listen to when I’m really missing her. It was the first time I heard her sing and the first time I realized how crazy beautiful she was. I grab the note that is stained with my tears and hers out from under my pillow and read it again, even though I already have it memorized.
Jack,
I’m so sorry.
Bullshit.
This isn’t an easy decision for me to make, but it’s the right one.
How is the even remotely possible? It destroyed my world.
You will always be the light of my world, the sun in the sky, my stars at night. I have to leave you now. I don’t want you to come looking for me. I want you to trust me when I say that this was in your best interest.
This is where I really begin to struggle. If it was in my best interest, shouldn’t I be the one making that decision? Who is she to call the shots on my future? There’s nothing in this world that can make me understand her leaving me. I almost laughed when it said “I don’t want you to come looking for me.” Are you serious? Did she really expect me not to turn over every rock looking for the love of my life?
I can’t tell you why I’m leaving, but it’s my only choice. I love you so much Jack. I know you probably don’t believe me now and I understand. I don’t think I would believe me either. I meant every word I said to you when I told you I loved you.
My stomach twists in knots because I know the words that come next. The words that describe everything I miss.
I will miss the nights where I cook for you, the time we shared at the school field trip, and even the times with Alex. I think the part I will miss the most is falling asleep by your side and waking up in your arms. Even if I didn’t fall asleep in your arms, I always woke up in them. I will miss playing guitar with you and even singing, even though it makes me self-conscious. You always found a way to make me feel comfortable in my times of vulnerability.
I cry silently. I skim through the rest until I get to the part I need to read.
Thank you for the most amazing few months of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I hope I see you again someday, somehow. You will forever be in my heart Jack Barakat. I love you.
With every ounce of my love,
Emmabear
I crumple up the note for the hundredth time and throw it at the wall. I shove my face into her hoodie and yell at her in my mind. I’m so angry that she would even think to do this to me. Whatever happened with her, I could handle. If she cheated on me, we would have gotten through it. If she was terminally ill, I would have been there for her. Shit even if she had gotten pregnant, I would have sat by her side all 9 months. I would’ve quit school and got a job. I loved Emma more than words will ever be able to describe. I would have done anything for that girl.
The song is stuck on repeat, but that’s the way I like it. I have every chord, every word, every note burned into my head for eternity. The part that drives me the most insane is that I know she’s out there somewhere. If she killed herself, then she would just be gone. But she could be driving past this bus right now and I wouldn’t know. I wonder if she even knows that I’m in the band All Time Low. Does she even think about me? She probably moved on to some big shot that wouldn’t leave her home alone sick. I was such a fool for doing that. Maybe if I had stayed home those days…maybe if I had just taken better care of her.
I clench my jaw to hold back from yelling. I’m so angry with her. I have so many questions but no goddamn answers because she just left without a trace. All I want is to get some closure but it just won’t happen. There’s still missing person flyers with her face and segments on the news where they talk about her disappearance. I would have to relocate to the middle of nowhere to escape her. I don’t want to escape her. I just want answers.
She left me and turned my world upside down. I still have scars on my wrist to prove it. Her brother left shortly thereafter. He ran away too. Chris didn’t get very far before someone found him and returned him to his parents. I text him every now and then, and he’s doing fine. His parents finally sobered up and treat him like a human being. Sometimes I wish she had been caught instead of him. Maybe then things would be a little more normal.
I don’t know what I’d do if I ever saw her again. I’d probably yell and get the answers that I need. I know deep down inside, which still wouldn’t be enough. She was my rock. Emma was my forever. How do you just go on in life without your forever right next to you?
I feel someone pat me on the back and I look up to see Zack. I pull my ear buds out and glance up at him.
“Get ready. We are playing the Kia Soul Stage in an hour. We won’t have a lot of time for sound check, so don’t waste any now. Get dressed and pumped up.” He grins and disappears.
It’s our second year on Warped Tour and it’s been surreal. I love going to different cities and playing at different areas, but it’s tiring. Luckily, we only have a few more dates until it’s all finally over. The problem is every time we have a break, I use it to search for Emma. It needs to end though. Alex is right.
It’s time to move on.
I don’t hear her respond, but I’m not surprised. She’s probably asleep. I creep into my bedroom and see her curled up on the right side of the bed, facing the wall. I sneak up from behind her and wrap my arm around her, pulling her to my chest. As I pull, I feel nothing. I look down and realize that it’s just a pile of her clothes. I look around confused and that’s when I see a note on my bed stand.
“EMMA.” I gasp and sit straight up in my bunk, nearly hitting my head on Zack’s.
I throw my head in my hands and let out a shaky breath for what feels like the millionth time. It’s been 3 years and these stupid night terrors won’t go away. They occur night after night, varying from finding a pile of clothes, to even her corpse. The worst is when I find her.
I crawl out of my bunk and drag my feet to the main part of the bus. Alex is the only one awake eating a bagel and watching the news.
“Morning champ.” He grins at me from the couch.
Emma was right. Alex and I had more in common than I thought. We both cared about her like there was no tomorrow. If there was one person who felt my pain, it was Alex. We both had a love for music and ended up forming a band not long after her disappearance. It gave me a distraction, which was exactly what I needed. Alex found Zack and Rian messing around at a skate park one day and they all just hit it off. If it weren’t for Alex who knows where I would be.
“Hey.” I grunt and grab a box of Cookie Crisp.
“Nightmare again?” He asks.
“Yup.” I reply dryly and plop down on the couch next to him.
“What was it this time?”
“I went to go snuggle her and it was just a pile of her clothes. Then I found the note and that’s when I woke up.” I explain.
He nods thoughtfully. “I’m sorry to hear that. Maybe if you stopped using her hoodie as a pillowcase, you would stop having these dreams.”
“The sick part is I almost don’t want these dreams to stop. Then she’d be gone for good.” I run my hand through my black hair.
“I know man, I know.” Alex throws an arm around my shoulder and gives me a quick hug. “I’m here for you. I just think you should start letting go. She didn’t want you to find her and I’m sure she wouldn’t want you suffering like this.”
“Morning guys.” Rian comes walking out from the bunks, stretching.
“Morning.” We grunt in return.
“How did everyone sleep?” He asks as he plops down on the couch across from us.
“Great.” I lie. I don’t talk about my night terrors with anyone but Alex. No one else understands how special she was.
“Good shit. Where are we?” He peeks out of the window.
“We’re about a little outside of Charlotte.” Alex answers. “Driver said we should be there in an hour.”
Rian nods thoughtfully, grabs an apple, and goes back to the bunks.
“If she didn’t want me suffering she never would have left.” I pick up where we left off.
“You read the note Jack. She said she was keeping you from hurting. I know she loved you man; she wouldn’t have done this to you. The way she talked about you, even when you weren’t around. It was true love Jack. She was nuts about you.” Alex shakes his head.
“Stop.” I stand up quickly. “Just. That’s enough.”
“Jack-“
“Nah its fine man. Just let me be for a little.” I step away from Alex before he can respond.
I set my bowl in the sink and make my way back to my bunk. I flop in and close the curtain, grabbing my iPod out. I curl up under my covers and snuggle my face against her hoodie and breathe deeply, trying to locate just the slightest bit of her scent. I turn on Skyway Avenue, a song I only listen to when I’m really missing her. It was the first time I heard her sing and the first time I realized how crazy beautiful she was. I grab the note that is stained with my tears and hers out from under my pillow and read it again, even though I already have it memorized.
Jack,
I’m so sorry.
Bullshit.
This isn’t an easy decision for me to make, but it’s the right one.
How is the even remotely possible? It destroyed my world.
You will always be the light of my world, the sun in the sky, my stars at night. I have to leave you now. I don’t want you to come looking for me. I want you to trust me when I say that this was in your best interest.
This is where I really begin to struggle. If it was in my best interest, shouldn’t I be the one making that decision? Who is she to call the shots on my future? There’s nothing in this world that can make me understand her leaving me. I almost laughed when it said “I don’t want you to come looking for me.” Are you serious? Did she really expect me not to turn over every rock looking for the love of my life?
I can’t tell you why I’m leaving, but it’s my only choice. I love you so much Jack. I know you probably don’t believe me now and I understand. I don’t think I would believe me either. I meant every word I said to you when I told you I loved you.
My stomach twists in knots because I know the words that come next. The words that describe everything I miss.
I will miss the nights where I cook for you, the time we shared at the school field trip, and even the times with Alex. I think the part I will miss the most is falling asleep by your side and waking up in your arms. Even if I didn’t fall asleep in your arms, I always woke up in them. I will miss playing guitar with you and even singing, even though it makes me self-conscious. You always found a way to make me feel comfortable in my times of vulnerability.
I cry silently. I skim through the rest until I get to the part I need to read.
Thank you for the most amazing few months of my life. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I hope I see you again someday, somehow. You will forever be in my heart Jack Barakat. I love you.
With every ounce of my love,
Emmabear
I crumple up the note for the hundredth time and throw it at the wall. I shove my face into her hoodie and yell at her in my mind. I’m so angry that she would even think to do this to me. Whatever happened with her, I could handle. If she cheated on me, we would have gotten through it. If she was terminally ill, I would have been there for her. Shit even if she had gotten pregnant, I would have sat by her side all 9 months. I would’ve quit school and got a job. I loved Emma more than words will ever be able to describe. I would have done anything for that girl.
The song is stuck on repeat, but that’s the way I like it. I have every chord, every word, every note burned into my head for eternity. The part that drives me the most insane is that I know she’s out there somewhere. If she killed herself, then she would just be gone. But she could be driving past this bus right now and I wouldn’t know. I wonder if she even knows that I’m in the band All Time Low. Does she even think about me? She probably moved on to some big shot that wouldn’t leave her home alone sick. I was such a fool for doing that. Maybe if I had stayed home those days…maybe if I had just taken better care of her.
I clench my jaw to hold back from yelling. I’m so angry with her. I have so many questions but no goddamn answers because she just left without a trace. All I want is to get some closure but it just won’t happen. There’s still missing person flyers with her face and segments on the news where they talk about her disappearance. I would have to relocate to the middle of nowhere to escape her. I don’t want to escape her. I just want answers.
She left me and turned my world upside down. I still have scars on my wrist to prove it. Her brother left shortly thereafter. He ran away too. Chris didn’t get very far before someone found him and returned him to his parents. I text him every now and then, and he’s doing fine. His parents finally sobered up and treat him like a human being. Sometimes I wish she had been caught instead of him. Maybe then things would be a little more normal.
I don’t know what I’d do if I ever saw her again. I’d probably yell and get the answers that I need. I know deep down inside, which still wouldn’t be enough. She was my rock. Emma was my forever. How do you just go on in life without your forever right next to you?
I feel someone pat me on the back and I look up to see Zack. I pull my ear buds out and glance up at him.
“Get ready. We are playing the Kia Soul Stage in an hour. We won’t have a lot of time for sound check, so don’t waste any now. Get dressed and pumped up.” He grins and disappears.
It’s our second year on Warped Tour and it’s been surreal. I love going to different cities and playing at different areas, but it’s tiring. Luckily, we only have a few more dates until it’s all finally over. The problem is every time we have a break, I use it to search for Emma. It needs to end though. Alex is right.
It’s time to move on.
ahh update pleaseeeeee
5/3/14