“Emma! I’m home babe.” I call as I walk through the door.

I walk through the quiet house and to my room. I see her curled up under the covers, facing the wall. I breathe a sigh of relief and hold her from behind. I kiss the back of her head and breathe in her scent. She stirs and turns to face me. She’s been crying, I can tell. Mascara trails down her cheeks as she looks up at me, sadness plaguing her eyes. I pull her into my embrace but she pushes me away and touches my cheek lightly.

“Help me.” She whispers. “I need you Jack.”

“What’s wrong?” I ask.

“Everything.” Her voice cracks and she disappears.

I sit up quickly in my bed, in a cold sweat with my heart racing. I haven’t really had nightmares ever since Emma came back into my life. With intent to drive my dreams away, I get off of my sleepy ass and make my way to the kitchen in search of booze. I dig around the cabinets but come up dry, being as I threw all of my bottles out for Aria’s sake. Groaning, I dig around my pill cabinet for something that’ll knock me out but stop when I hear a door shut loudly.

I walk towards our bedrooms and peek inside of Emma’s, only to find her missing. My heart race picks up, forever in terror of her leaving my life again. I walk into her room and find her bathroom closed. I lightly press my ear up against the door to see if she’s in there. I hear her shuffling around in there, which calms my heart rate. Aria stirs from behind me and starts to cry softly.

“Hey.” I whisper and crawl into bed, picking her up and cradling her. “Shh shh shh. Mommy will be right back.”

Something about the way Aria’s crying makes me feel as if she’s been abandoned like this before. I rock her back and forth gently, kissing her forehead every now and then until she calms down. I lean against the headboard, still holding her, and let her curl against my chest. Aria’s breathing becomes rather peaceful and before I know it, she’s back asleep.

10 minutes pass as I listen to Aria’s breathing and I begin to grow worried. Emma still isn’t out of the bathroom and I haven’t heard much from her.

Suddenly, the doorknob turns and she emerges wearing my old high school hoodie which basically reaches her knees, even still. Her face is tear stained and she looks so fragile. I tuck Aria in bed and rush to Emma’s side.

“What’s wrong?” I ask her, touching her face lightly with my fingertips in search of any fresh tears.

“Nothing.” She tries to play it off. “I’m fine. I just wasn’t feeling too well was all.”

I roll my eyes. “Try again. What’s really wrong?”

Emma scoffs and it’s actually pretty cute how defensive she’s getting. “That’s the truth Barakat! Go back to bed I’m tired.”

“Em please.” I plead. “What happened?”

And then it hits me. I glance down at her wrists almost immediately and see tiny, tiny blood stains peeking through the fabric. The naked eye would have passed over that but I know what I am looking for. It’s all the answer I need. She follows my gaze down to her wrists and flinches.

“It’s not what you think.” She explains quickly. “It was an accident.”

“Let me see them.” I say calmly.

“Jack please.” Emma begs. “Don’t make me.”

“Now Emma.” I tell her.

Her body shakes and silent tears roll down her face as she lifts up her sleeves, exposing me to what’s been plaguing her for years. Plaguing US for years.

They start at the crook of her elbow and ascend to the very tip of her inner wrist. Some are small scrapes, but then there are the others. The ones that have to be half an inch wide and just as deep. There are even a few burn marks running along the top of her forearm. Her entire underside of both of her arms are so marked up, I can’t see any untouched skin. My stomach twists with the urge to match her pain, that way we suffer together. It almost isn’t fair to let her suffer so much alone.

She starts crying as I reach out to trace each individual line. I pull her into my arms where she sobs and shakes, clutching onto me as if I were her life support.

“Jesus Em. What is going on in that pretty little head of yours?” I ask the universe, not particularly her.

I don’t think she could even answer the question herself. She’s a flat out mess. Her tiny hands ball against my chest as she tries to catch her breath. I pick her up carefully and carry her out of the bedroom so we don’t wake Aria up. I sit on the couch and keep her on my lap, not ready to let go myself. Let’s face it; she’s the only thing keeping me from slitting my own wrists at this point.

“I’m fucked up Jack.” She whimpers against my chest. “I’m so far gone that even you can’t save me.”

“Let me try. Tell me what happened.” I beg.

She takes a deep breath, as if she’s about to jump off of a bridge. I’m sure that’s what it feels like to her.

“When I lived with Sam, he took advantage of me. He would hit me sometimes, take advantage of me sexually. I had to get an abortion because he got me pregnant and didn’t want another baby. If he could have, he would have put Aria up for adoption. He wanted nothing to do with her. At the same time, he would fight with me because I never called him her father. There were so many beatings over that one….” Her voice trails off, and I can tell she’s falling back into that day.

“Focus Em.” I remind her touching her cheek lightly.

“Well between the abortion and all of the things Sam put me through, I have been in this pit of depression. I have nightmares every night of him. I sometimes think he’ll come back for me and just finish me off. The thing is, tonight the nightmare wasn’t about him.” She fidgets uncomfortably.

“Who was it about?” I ask.

She looks up at me, her big brown eyes glossy with tears. “You.”

My pulse picks up, either with the excitement of her dreaming about me or with the terror that I hurt her in the dream.

“We were in high school.” She begins. “It was the day I left. I was lying on the bathroom floor, covered in my own blood cradling a pregnancy test in your bathroom. You found me there and I felt so relieved. You helped me get cleaned up and tucked me into your bed. I remember watching you as you put two and two together that I was pregnant. You smiled and rubbed my belly, like this was something we had wanted. You were happy. I watched you rub my belly and noticed that your wrist was bleeding. I commented on it and all you did was smile and say ‘What of it?’ That’s when you passed out across my stomach. I took your wrist in my hands and saw one solid, deep line straight down your forearm. That’s when I woke up.”

Emma’s crying again, this time more composed. An eerie feeling washes over me as I take her dream in. It’s scary to think we dream of each other in such morbid ways.

“I have nightmares of you too.” I sigh, not planning on telling her all of this. “I had one tonight. That’s why I woke up. You were in my bed, sleeping. I went to pull you into my arms when I noticed you had been crying. I tried to cheer you up and even asked what was wrong but all you said was ‘Help me. I need you Jack.’ I had no idea what you wanted or even needed. I think I get it now. On some subconscious level I knew you still needed me to help you get through your demons. We can do this Emma.” I squeeze her.

“Do what?” She asks.

“Live.” I murmur.

She thinks for a moment, as if this was a difficult concept to grasp. “I don’t know Jack. I’m pretty much on the verge of giving up.”

“You can’t do that. You have Aria to think about.” I remind her. “Just give it one last shot. I’ll be here to help you through all of this. It’ll get easier and one day you won’t have to think about trying. You’ll just be…living.”

Emma fidgets with her hands nervously as she mulls my idea over. “Okay.”

Her eyes gloss over as she looks up at me, so trusting. My heart stammers with nerves as the thought of losing her a second time crosses my mind. I can’t lose her. I won’t.

“One last thing.” I say softly against her cheek.

“Mmm?” She asks, a little dazed.

“Don’t leave this time.” I tuck a finger under her chin and lean down to her lips.

“Promise.” She whispers and meets me halfway with the lips I’ve been dying to taste for years.

Notes

I just realized 15 chapters in they just kissed. Whoops, my bad guys. Things will start picking up I promise! Love your comments!