Find a Reason to Feel

“Don’t you think you should’ve asked me?” Emma groans as she examines the now childproof house. “This was way too much Jack. Letting us live here is one thing, but putting all of this money into us is another. Now I know you care about us and all, which is fine. I just don’t want you throwing a bunch of money at me and expect me to feel comfortable.”

I watch her as she paces the floors nervously, uncomfortable. Aria is waddling around the house, oblivious to our little disagreement.

“Em this is my way of showing I care. You’ve lived a pretty stressful life your entire life and I’m just trying to help you take a load off.” I lead her to a kitchen chair and sit with her. “Being a mom is a full time job. It stresses every mom out, so it’s normal. I just worry about you and think you deserve better. This isn’t me trying to get back with you or make you feel uncomfortable. This is me trying to help you relax so you can be the best mother you can possibly be for our child.” I sigh.

She nods and exhales loudly. “I appreciate all of this Jack. You have no idea how much it means to me.”

“You don’t know what it means to me either.” I laugh. “Having Aria living with me, even if it’s just temporary is enough for me. She’s incredible.”

As if on cue, Aria squeals from my bedroom. Naturally, I panic and run to find her. I walk around my room slowly looking for her.

“Aria?” I ask. “Where are you goon?”

I hear her giggle quietly from the left side of my room. I whip my head around and still don’t see her. All of a sudden, I see the clothing pile move slightly. I grin and start walking towards it.

“Oh well.” I singsong. “I can’t seem to find her. Maybe I’ll just do some laundry.”

More giggling.

I approach the basket of clothes and pick it up. Immediately, I feel the weight of her body. She continues to keep quiet surprisingly as I carry her to the laundry room. I hear her shift around a few times but I pretend I don’t. Emma follows close behind with a hand over her mouth, trying not to laugh.

“Oh my goodness those are some stinky clothes.” I joke as I set the basket next to the washer. “Can’t wait to throw them in the washing machine.”

I take the first shirt off and throw it into the machine. I see a small piece of black hair poking out from an empty space.

“Where is that purple shirt at…?” I start digging around in the basket and purposely poke Aria a few times, making her giggle. “What on earth is that?”

I scoop Aria up and thrust her into the air. She squeals and laughs, her cheeks a rosy pink. Emma laughs from behind me as I dangle Aria over the washing machine, making her squeal even louder.

“She hasn’t had this much fun in forever.” Emma laughs. “It’s so good to see her happy.”

My confidence soars through the roof as she validates my impact on Aria’s life. “There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for this girl. She’s my life now.”

I carry Aria out of the washroom and into the living room. I set her down on the couch and turn to Emma.

“I need to go out for a bit.” I scratch the back of my head nervously. “Is it okay if I leave you two here?”

“Of course Jack.” She assures me.

“It’ll only be an hour or two.” I promise her. “The alarm code is 5701. Keep all the doors locked and there’s a gun in my nightstand drawer.”

“Relax.” Emma laughs. “We’ll be fine Jack.”

“Okay.” I nod. “I’ll see you guys later.”

I kiss Aria’s forehead and hug Emma awkwardly. What I wouldn’t give to kiss her right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Em?” I call out into the house. “I’m back.”

“In the kitchen” Emma calls.

I walk into the kitchen with bags full of baby clothes, toys, and set them on the counter.

“Hey ba-“ I stop myself. “Emma.”

“What are those?” She gestures to the bags with the ladle in her hand.

“Gifts I knew you wouldn’t let me buy.” I grin. “Just some clothing and toys for Aria.”

Emma turns around and grips the counter tightly.

“You okay?” I ask her and put a hand on her back. She flinches.

“This needs to stop Jack.” She says calmly. “I appreciate this but you have gone too far now. She has everything she needs.”

“Which is the bare minimum. I want my daughter to be happy and have toys and clothes. Stop shutting down like this.” I respond, irritated.

“You don’t get it Jack!” She spins around. “I’ve worked my ass off to provide for her over the last 2 years. These handouts are making me uncomfortable. I don’t mind occasional gifts but you are doing my job.”

“I don’t think you get it Emma. I’ve missed out on her life for the past 2 years and all I want to do is provide for her. I’ve worked my ass off too. Do you think it’s easy touring all the time? It’s not. Especially since I was always focused on finding you. All of those signings, the meet and greets, I was looking for you. I was stressed beyond repair all the time. Now that I know where you are I can finally relax and focus on something else. Aria. You said it yourself; you’ve been working your fingers to the bone. It’s time you relax too.” I run my fingers through my hair.

“Dinner will be ready in 20.” Emma turns away from me, ending the conversation.

I roll my eyes and grab the bags on my way out of the kitchen. Emma’s going to be pissed when she sees how much I actually bought Aria. The majority of it is still in the car. I think I’ll just leave it there for tonight and slowly add things without saying anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Well dinner was awkward. Emma was still upset with me, just as I was with her. We’re both pretty stubborn about this Aria thing. She’s my daughter for crying out loud. I should be allowed to provide for her. I don’t see where the big deal is. We ate macaroni and corndogs in silence, plagued by past memories. After helping Emma clear off the table and kitchen, we went our separate ways. She went to put Aria to sleep and said she would be in her room reading for the night. I said my goodnights to them and here I am, in bed staring at the ceiling.

I glance at the clock and see the red glowing numbers. 1:24 AM. I groan and flip on my side. I’ve been in this bed for 3 hours and I haven’t even dozed off once. My heart is flip flopping with the knowledge of Emma sleeping just a room away. There’s no way I’m sleeping without some booze.

I pull on a pair of pajama pants and leave my shirt, too lazy to care. I shuffle into the kitchen and rummage around the kitchen cabinet for some. I grab the bottle of Jack Daniel’s and head back to my room. As I walk through the living room, I trip over something.

“Shit.” I catch my balance on the couch, almost dropping the bottle.

I flip on the light to see what I tripped over. It was Aria’s piano. I need to get used to there being other objects in the house.

“You okay?” I hear a whisper from behind me.

I spin around to find Emma yawning.

“Yeah I’m fine.” I try to position the bottle out of her sight. “Go back to sleep.”

“Insinuating I ever fell asleep.” She rolls her hazel eyes. “What’s up with the bottle?”

“Insomnia.” I laugh nervously.

“You don’t have insomnia. Did you forget we used to share a bed?” Emma flops down on the couch.

“Sleep evades me nowadays.” I sigh and sit next to her.

“I’m afraid Jack.” Emma says out of nowhere, grabbing the bottle out of my hands.

“Of?” I ask, stunned she grabbed the bottle.

I watch her take a long swig of the whiskey and I actually get turned on a bit. She was always such a good girl.

“I’m afraid that we’ll get into a fight one day and you’ll fight me for custody. I’m afraid you’ll win and take my daughter away from me.” She takes another swig and hands me the bottle, wiping her mouth with her hoodie sleeve.

“I’m pretty hurt you actually feel that way.” I pause to drink from the bottle. “I’m not a monster Em. I would never do that to you. Aria’s yours. But you have to remember she’s also mine. You’ve had her for 2 more years than I have. I’m just trying to catch up on the time that I missed.”

“I respect that.” She nods. “I do. You have to understand the situation I’m coming from. Sam would always use Aria against me when we had fights.”

“He also hit you Em. He wasn’t exactly the most sane person.” I roll my eyes with a smile. “I promise you I will never use Aria against you. She’s OUR daughter and I wouldn’t change that for the world. You’re an excellent mother I see it in everything you do. You love Aria just as much as I do. She needs you and I wouldn’t deprive her of that. I just want the best life possible for her so I’m doing everything in my will to assure that.”

Emma takes another swig and smiles at me. “I believe you. Thank you Jack. We kind of needed to break this barrier.”

“Well I’m down to break the rest of the barriers if you are.” I grin. “It’s only…” I glance at the clock. “2 AM.”

“That’s pretty late.” She laughs. “But I think I’m willing to sacrifice some more time.”

My heart leaps with excitement as I take another gulp. This is exactly what we need.

Notes

Happy New Year my loves! I hope you enjoy this chapter c: I love getting the comments they seriously keep me going. I don't know about you guys but I feel like there were a lot of stories I was subscribed to but I haven't seen an update in MONTHS. I used to get notifications like every day now I get them maybe once a month. Crazy.

I forgot to warn you if you follow my Instagram that I'm a pretty heavy cannabis user. I know it can make some people uncomfortable and I don't want you guys to be taken by surprise. I use it mainly for stress and anxiety because I have a self harm issue. Helps me calm down when I feel like cutting and usually keeps me from doing it. So just a fair warning to you all! There will be pictures of paraphernalia and actual cannabis.

Thanks for all of your support guys! It means a lot :D Hope you all had happy holidays!