Thanks To You
My paradise.
I didn’t know what to say, I just stayed there, staring at his eyes while he stared at the ground. My mind was a mess, everybody talked at the same time, my mind had never been so loud, it screamed. Part of it screamed: run, run and never look back, while the other part said: hug him, kiss him, whatever, just tell him you need him in your life. But I just didn’t say anything. I was paralized. Nothing would come out.
“I better be going now.” He said, getting up after the 5th cigarette.
“Why..?” Was the only thing I could say.
“Maybe because is getting late and my family worries about me…?” He said, without understanding my question.
“No… w-why loving someone like me?” I said, watching while he sat on the swing again.
“Alex… why the fuck do you keep doing that? I can’t understand you… you really don’t have to do this with me you know? I would look after you even if you were the perfect person, with no problems or difficulties… I would take care of you even if you knew how to care of yourself.” He talked fast.
“That’s why I don’t understand… why loving someone with so many problems?” I questioned myself about this everyday.
“Because I don’t care about them. You are perfect with all these problems and your fucked up mind and I feel like I need to be there for you… I… I can’t really explain that without being corny, I’m sorry…” I was going to say he didn’t need to be sorry about that, but he spoke before me. “I said I would never give up on you, I know you hate me, but I don’t care, I will always be looking after you, even when you’re far away. You might think I’m obsessed, but… I don’t know, I just… need you. And I’ve never felt this way before, so I don’t know.” He stopped. “I don’t know what to do.” He seemed as lost as me.
“I don’t hate you Jack.” I said, staring at his lost eyes. “I just can’t understand what I’m feeling… I…”
“Oh you don’t hate me?” He interruted me. “That’s not what it looked like today at breakfast.” He laughed.
“Jack… I’m sorry, it wasn’t me, you know what happens… he… I…” I sighed, I was so confused.
“I know Alex, I know what happens, that’s why I wanna be there for you.” He finally looked at me. “Alex, please let me… let me love you… god that sounds ridiculous.” He chuckled, looking down at his lap. I didn’t know what to say. “I’ll wait, you don’t have to answer me know.” He said, getting up and dissapearing.
I couldn’t see where he went, he simply dissapeared from the playground. I knew exactly who I needed to talk to. I called Rose and told her I would probably go home a little bit too late tonight.
I stared at that house that looked a lot like mine, this would be funny, but i was desperate. I took a rock from the ground and threw it at his bedroom window. I thought of knocking on the door, but his mother would probably open. I threw 25 rocks and he wouldn’t open the fucking window, so I decided to climb the tree in front of his house.
I climbed it, almost falling on the ground two times, and knocked on the window of Zack’s bedroom. Yes, Zack’s bedroom. He finally woke up and gave me the funniest “what the fuck” look as he moved towards the window, opening it.
“What the fuck are you doin’ here dude?” He asked with a sleepy voice.
“I’m Jack’s friend, remember me?” He nodded. “I needed to talk to you, sorry for the inconvenince of the meeting… but I’m kind of in a hurry…”
“Ok, ok come in.” He said, almost dropping the window on my head.
He sat on his bed and pointed a chair for me to sit in.
“Speak up…” He said.
“So…” I decided to go straight to the point. “Jack… Jack told me he l-loved me today.” He laughed. “I don’t want you to think I don’t trust him, and we’ve never talked before, but, I mean, you know him better than I do, he told me about you two, and I was wondering if…”
“I get it, I get it, you wanna know if he says that to everybody he kisses.” He laughed again. “I’ll tell you what, Jack is a guy that you can easily hate, like, he never demonstrates any kind of… uh… attachment, affection to anybody. Girls fucking loved him at school because of that. He had always been so cold, he never fucking felt anything for anyone. Yeah, he already hurt me a lot. Oh…” He got up and got a black notebook from the bedside table. “He wrote a song, now I’m sure it was for you…” He openned the notebook and gave it to me.
I stared at the page with a weird hand writing, it was just a draft.
My Paradise
“H-he wrote this for me?” I asked, I felt so guilty.
“Well, it wasn’t for me.” He laughed. “Jack is really annoying, when he wants something, or someone, he really sticks his mind and thoughts into it, and he doesn’t give up, All Time Low for example, he thinks we’ll be the greatest band in the world…"
“So that’s the name?” I said.
“Yeah, Jack was listening to New Found Glory, ya know, and he chose it from a song called… Head on Collision I guess. And he was feeling kind of bad, I don’t know, I’ve never seen Jack so euphoric like he is now.” He smiled, sleepy.
“Zack I… I’ll be going, is late, I’ll let you sleep, I’m sorry.” I felt nervous, Zack really liked Jack, I felt bad near him.
“Thanks dude.” He laughed as I left. “Oh… take this by the way, you may find some more interesting stuff there.” He said as he handed me the black notebook.
“Ok… thanks…” I got the notebook and openned the window.
I got home, took a shower and walked towards my bed with the lyrics notebook, lying there.
“Hey Alex.”
Not now, please, I’m confused.
“You’re always confused. I decided to leave you Alexander.”
What?
“I’ll stop messing with you and Jack and let fate fuck you up.”
Why?
“Because I just wanted to remind you that, you are on exchange program, even if you and Jack get happy, get together, it won’t be forever, you’ll have to leave, and I’d also like to remind you that you only have 8 months left.”
It’s true. Why haven’t I thought about this before?
No response. Subconcious dissapeared and didn’t come back for the rest of the night.
I woke up, no nightmares, no voices, it was weird, I felt empty. I only had 8 months left, and I already had my decision.
“I better be going now.” He said, getting up after the 5th cigarette.
“Why..?” Was the only thing I could say.
“Maybe because is getting late and my family worries about me…?” He said, without understanding my question.
“No… w-why loving someone like me?” I said, watching while he sat on the swing again.
“Alex… why the fuck do you keep doing that? I can’t understand you… you really don’t have to do this with me you know? I would look after you even if you were the perfect person, with no problems or difficulties… I would take care of you even if you knew how to care of yourself.” He talked fast.
“That’s why I don’t understand… why loving someone with so many problems?” I questioned myself about this everyday.
“Because I don’t care about them. You are perfect with all these problems and your fucked up mind and I feel like I need to be there for you… I… I can’t really explain that without being corny, I’m sorry…” I was going to say he didn’t need to be sorry about that, but he spoke before me. “I said I would never give up on you, I know you hate me, but I don’t care, I will always be looking after you, even when you’re far away. You might think I’m obsessed, but… I don’t know, I just… need you. And I’ve never felt this way before, so I don’t know.” He stopped. “I don’t know what to do.” He seemed as lost as me.
“I don’t hate you Jack.” I said, staring at his lost eyes. “I just can’t understand what I’m feeling… I…”
“Oh you don’t hate me?” He interruted me. “That’s not what it looked like today at breakfast.” He laughed.
“Jack… I’m sorry, it wasn’t me, you know what happens… he… I…” I sighed, I was so confused.
“I know Alex, I know what happens, that’s why I wanna be there for you.” He finally looked at me. “Alex, please let me… let me love you… god that sounds ridiculous.” He chuckled, looking down at his lap. I didn’t know what to say. “I’ll wait, you don’t have to answer me know.” He said, getting up and dissapearing.
I couldn’t see where he went, he simply dissapeared from the playground. I knew exactly who I needed to talk to. I called Rose and told her I would probably go home a little bit too late tonight.
I stared at that house that looked a lot like mine, this would be funny, but i was desperate. I took a rock from the ground and threw it at his bedroom window. I thought of knocking on the door, but his mother would probably open. I threw 25 rocks and he wouldn’t open the fucking window, so I decided to climb the tree in front of his house.
I climbed it, almost falling on the ground two times, and knocked on the window of Zack’s bedroom. Yes, Zack’s bedroom. He finally woke up and gave me the funniest “what the fuck” look as he moved towards the window, opening it.
“What the fuck are you doin’ here dude?” He asked with a sleepy voice.
“I’m Jack’s friend, remember me?” He nodded. “I needed to talk to you, sorry for the inconvenince of the meeting… but I’m kind of in a hurry…”
“Ok, ok come in.” He said, almost dropping the window on my head.
He sat on his bed and pointed a chair for me to sit in.
“Speak up…” He said.
“So…” I decided to go straight to the point. “Jack… Jack told me he l-loved me today.” He laughed. “I don’t want you to think I don’t trust him, and we’ve never talked before, but, I mean, you know him better than I do, he told me about you two, and I was wondering if…”
“I get it, I get it, you wanna know if he says that to everybody he kisses.” He laughed again. “I’ll tell you what, Jack is a guy that you can easily hate, like, he never demonstrates any kind of… uh… attachment, affection to anybody. Girls fucking loved him at school because of that. He had always been so cold, he never fucking felt anything for anyone. Yeah, he already hurt me a lot. Oh…” He got up and got a black notebook from the bedside table. “He wrote a song, now I’m sure it was for you…” He openned the notebook and gave it to me.
I stared at the page with a weird hand writing, it was just a draft.
My Paradise
Busted plans and cigarettes, nights and days I wont forget, sleeping on my best friends floor, with everything to ask for. Clear skies and sing alongs. I ask myself WHAT COULD GO WRONG? A thousand times I would go back, you only have to ask. - Come with me I'll take you there, to a place where we don't have to care. We'll sit and watch the world go by. Welcome to my paradise - Sleeping in and alcohol. Crowded city streets. Flashing lights, shattered dreams. A paradise it seems. Take my hand and follow me to a better place. A place I call my own sweet home. A PLACE TO CALL MY OWN.
“H-he wrote this for me?” I asked, I felt so guilty.
“Well, it wasn’t for me.” He laughed. “Jack is really annoying, when he wants something, or someone, he really sticks his mind and thoughts into it, and he doesn’t give up, All Time Low for example, he thinks we’ll be the greatest band in the world…"
“So that’s the name?” I said.
“Yeah, Jack was listening to New Found Glory, ya know, and he chose it from a song called… Head on Collision I guess. And he was feeling kind of bad, I don’t know, I’ve never seen Jack so euphoric like he is now.” He smiled, sleepy.
“Zack I… I’ll be going, is late, I’ll let you sleep, I’m sorry.” I felt nervous, Zack really liked Jack, I felt bad near him.
“Thanks dude.” He laughed as I left. “Oh… take this by the way, you may find some more interesting stuff there.” He said as he handed me the black notebook.
“Ok… thanks…” I got the notebook and openned the window.
I got home, took a shower and walked towards my bed with the lyrics notebook, lying there.
“Hey Alex.”
Not now, please, I’m confused.
“You’re always confused. I decided to leave you Alexander.”
What?
“I’ll stop messing with you and Jack and let fate fuck you up.”
Why?
“Because I just wanted to remind you that, you are on exchange program, even if you and Jack get happy, get together, it won’t be forever, you’ll have to leave, and I’d also like to remind you that you only have 8 months left.”
It’s true. Why haven’t I thought about this before?
No response. Subconcious dissapeared and didn’t come back for the rest of the night.
I woke up, no nightmares, no voices, it was weird, I felt empty. I only had 8 months left, and I already had my decision.
Update: I totally cried.
Again.
1/15/15