Thanks To You
Just like the old times.
I closed my eyes and shook my head. It was only my mind’s nonsense bullshit. I souldn’t be afraid of that.
I took a shower, dressed up and headed downstairs. Damn, I still felt so weak it was even hard to walk. As I reached the kitchen, leaning on the walls for support, I saw Jack in front of the oven. The table on the center of the kitchen had two plates and two cups.
“Sit babe, breakfast is ready.” He smiled, turning around.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” This question popped in my mind out of nowhere, it was a good question though. My voice sounded different too, maybe because it wasn’t as weak as before.
“I don’t know…” He stopped whatever he was doing. “I just feel I need to take care of you.” He chuckled.
I moved towards the table and sat on a chair. A couple of seconds later Jack came with something that smelled like bacon. He put the plates on the table and I could see he had prepared bacon, fried eggs, some toasts and sausages. He poured some tea in my cup and sat in front of me. He smiled sadly, I didn’t feel like smiling though, I felt, weird.
“Is everything alright?” He said, as I grabbed the butter knife. “I know is a stupid question but…”
“I’m fine.” I interrupted him. “Could you hand me the butter please?”
“You changed… I mean, you looked happy when we were upstairs.” He said, worried look, without handing me the damn butter. “Are you sure you’re alright?” He started to move his hand closer to mine along the table.
“I said I’m fine.” I was really getting annoyed.
I got confused with what happened next. Jack pulled his hand quickly and stared at the table with an horrified look. I was breathing heavily and I decided to follow his eyes. I had stabbed the table with the butter knife, almost ripping off Jack’s fingers.
“What the fuck was that?” I asked Jack, no, I asked myself.
“I’m the one who should be asking that!” He shouted, getting off the table and turning around. My head started to hurt like hell, and he kept shouting. “Why are you doing this? You want me stay away from you? You want me to disappear?” Yes.
“J-Jack… I…” I started, I was confused, the words wouldn’t come out.
“No. It’s fine, you don’t have to say anything. I honestly can’t understand you Alex…” He now had pain in his eyes.
“Good morning boys.” Rose suddenly entered the kitchen. “Jaack… I’m glad you’re here! Goin’ to join us for breakfast?” She smiled.
“No Rose… I’m leaving already, but thanks for… whatever. Bye.” He kissed her cheek and left the house, without even looking at me.
What the fuck was this all about?
“Alex..?
Fuck off.
“Aaalex…”
WHAT DO YOU WANT.
“See? He left you. It’s just you and me now, just like the old times.”
Why did you do that? Why did you have to scare him away?
“It wasn’t me Alex, it was you, that’s what YOU really wanted. You want him far away from you.”
No I don’t. I need him… I’m afraid of what he’s going to do to himself…
“Let’s see… cut himself? Starve himself to death? Attempt suicide? Come on Alex, he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.”
I’m afraid he…
“Smokes? I’m glad he smokes, maybe he will end up just like our father, these two motherfuckers have so much in common.”
I’m going at his house, tell him to stop.
“He promised you he wouldn’t abandon you. Now I’ll tell you the funny thing about this. He. Left. You.”
Why are you doing this to me? If you hate me, why can’t you just leave? Why are you still there even knowing that if I kill myself, you’ll die too?
“Why would I leave if I have the opportunity to see you suffer and play with Jack’s mind as a bonus? And trust me, I know you, you won’t kill yourself.”
Why do you hate him so much?
“Jack? I don’t hate him. It’s just that you don’t deserve a man like him.”
I can’t understand you…
“Yeah Alexander, your mind is a fucking mess.”
I spent the whole afternoon talking to him, to myself. It wasn’t like “the old times”, I was going crazy, I was driving myself crazy.
My phone rang.
I ran to it, hoping it was him, it was May.
“Hey there May, how you doin’?” I asked, I had to pretend I was happy when I was talking to her, May knew how to read my emotions like anybody.
“I’m… fine.” She seemed worried. “Sorry for bothering you, really, it’s just that, Jack is missing, and I wondered if he would be there…”
“He’s not.” I said.
“Oh… ok. I’m sorry for bothering, again, it’s because Jack won’t stop talking ‘bout you, since the day you… disappeared from earth…” She said, fast as always.
“I’m sorry May, he’s not here. See you tomorrow.” I wasn’t in the mood of talking right now.
“Sorry… Good night.” She said, her voice fading in a whisper.
I turned the phone off before saying good night. I felt guilty, I must admit, but I was worried, even more worried than her, and again, it was my fault.
Usually when you like somebody, and this person disappears, you know exactly where to find him, but this just wasn’t happening to me, I had no idea where he was. So I decided to call him, and, miraculously, he answered.
I was silent, he was silent, I couldn’t even hear him breathing, but I had called, so I had to talk.
“Hey.” I said, awkwardly.
“Hello.” He answered with the same sleepy voice I loved to hear.
“Uh… can we meet somewhere? I… I miss you.” It was hard to say that, not because I didn’t mean it, I really missed him, since the moment he left, but something seemed to prevent me from saying it.
“Uh… ok?” I wasn’t sure it was a question though. “I guess we can meet… uh… in front of Zack’s house, the playground… since you don’t try to stab me again with a butter knife.” He said, trying to break that awkward atmosphere.
“Ok, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” I said, it was far, but it looked like my subconcious was sleeping, I had to take the opportunity.
“Ten minutes?” He asked, but I had already turned the phone off.
I ran so much, I almost literally flied to the playground, funny thing is, when I got there, he was already there, sitting on the very same swing, smoking.
“You shouldn’t smoke, you know?” I said, breathless.
“You shouldn’t try to rip people’s fingers off with a butter knife, you know?” He said, serious.
“You shouldn’t keep reminding me that, I may want to try it again, and I won’t fail at this time.” I said, sitting by his side.
He didn’t say anything, he laughed a little bit for a moment, finished his cigarette and lit another one.
“Stop this, is bad for you.” I said, staring at my feet on the ground.
“Why do you worry so much about me.” He asked, staring directly at my lost eyes.
“My dad is dying of lung cancer.” I told him the truth, finally. “He smoked when he was nervous, just like you, and I don’t wanna lose you… Jacky.” I’m glad I found the strenght to say that, even without understanding what I felt.
“Jacky.” He laughed ironically. “People risk their lives everyday Alex, people die everyday, I’m not going to stop doing something that makes me feel good just because I’m risking my life by doing it, I’m sorry ‘bout your father, but I don’t give a fuck about me.” He stared at the ground, chuckling, I was going to say I cared about him, but he talked before I could open my mouth. “You shouldn’t care about me, you should care about yourself, you’re letting these nightmares consume you…”
“Why do you care so much about me?” I interrupted him. He took a deep breath and laughed ironically staring at the ground once more.
“Because I fucking love you Alex.”
I took a shower, dressed up and headed downstairs. Damn, I still felt so weak it was even hard to walk. As I reached the kitchen, leaning on the walls for support, I saw Jack in front of the oven. The table on the center of the kitchen had two plates and two cups.
“Sit babe, breakfast is ready.” He smiled, turning around.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” This question popped in my mind out of nowhere, it was a good question though. My voice sounded different too, maybe because it wasn’t as weak as before.
“I don’t know…” He stopped whatever he was doing. “I just feel I need to take care of you.” He chuckled.
I moved towards the table and sat on a chair. A couple of seconds later Jack came with something that smelled like bacon. He put the plates on the table and I could see he had prepared bacon, fried eggs, some toasts and sausages. He poured some tea in my cup and sat in front of me. He smiled sadly, I didn’t feel like smiling though, I felt, weird.
“Is everything alright?” He said, as I grabbed the butter knife. “I know is a stupid question but…”
“I’m fine.” I interrupted him. “Could you hand me the butter please?”
“You changed… I mean, you looked happy when we were upstairs.” He said, worried look, without handing me the damn butter. “Are you sure you’re alright?” He started to move his hand closer to mine along the table.
“I said I’m fine.” I was really getting annoyed.
I got confused with what happened next. Jack pulled his hand quickly and stared at the table with an horrified look. I was breathing heavily and I decided to follow his eyes. I had stabbed the table with the butter knife, almost ripping off Jack’s fingers.
“What the fuck was that?” I asked Jack, no, I asked myself.
“I’m the one who should be asking that!” He shouted, getting off the table and turning around. My head started to hurt like hell, and he kept shouting. “Why are you doing this? You want me stay away from you? You want me to disappear?” Yes.
“J-Jack… I…” I started, I was confused, the words wouldn’t come out.
“No. It’s fine, you don’t have to say anything. I honestly can’t understand you Alex…” He now had pain in his eyes.
“Good morning boys.” Rose suddenly entered the kitchen. “Jaack… I’m glad you’re here! Goin’ to join us for breakfast?” She smiled.
“No Rose… I’m leaving already, but thanks for… whatever. Bye.” He kissed her cheek and left the house, without even looking at me.
What the fuck was this all about?
“Alex..?
Fuck off.
“Aaalex…”
WHAT DO YOU WANT.
“See? He left you. It’s just you and me now, just like the old times.”
Why did you do that? Why did you have to scare him away?
“It wasn’t me Alex, it was you, that’s what YOU really wanted. You want him far away from you.”
No I don’t. I need him… I’m afraid of what he’s going to do to himself…
“Let’s see… cut himself? Starve himself to death? Attempt suicide? Come on Alex, he doesn’t give a flying fuck about you.”
I’m afraid he…
“Smokes? I’m glad he smokes, maybe he will end up just like our father, these two motherfuckers have so much in common.”
I’m going at his house, tell him to stop.
“He promised you he wouldn’t abandon you. Now I’ll tell you the funny thing about this. He. Left. You.”
Why are you doing this to me? If you hate me, why can’t you just leave? Why are you still there even knowing that if I kill myself, you’ll die too?
“Why would I leave if I have the opportunity to see you suffer and play with Jack’s mind as a bonus? And trust me, I know you, you won’t kill yourself.”
Why do you hate him so much?
“Jack? I don’t hate him. It’s just that you don’t deserve a man like him.”
I can’t understand you…
“Yeah Alexander, your mind is a fucking mess.”
I spent the whole afternoon talking to him, to myself. It wasn’t like “the old times”, I was going crazy, I was driving myself crazy.
My phone rang.
I ran to it, hoping it was him, it was May.
“Hey there May, how you doin’?” I asked, I had to pretend I was happy when I was talking to her, May knew how to read my emotions like anybody.
“I’m… fine.” She seemed worried. “Sorry for bothering you, really, it’s just that, Jack is missing, and I wondered if he would be there…”
“He’s not.” I said.
“Oh… ok. I’m sorry for bothering, again, it’s because Jack won’t stop talking ‘bout you, since the day you… disappeared from earth…” She said, fast as always.
“I’m sorry May, he’s not here. See you tomorrow.” I wasn’t in the mood of talking right now.
“Sorry… Good night.” She said, her voice fading in a whisper.
I turned the phone off before saying good night. I felt guilty, I must admit, but I was worried, even more worried than her, and again, it was my fault.
Usually when you like somebody, and this person disappears, you know exactly where to find him, but this just wasn’t happening to me, I had no idea where he was. So I decided to call him, and, miraculously, he answered.
I was silent, he was silent, I couldn’t even hear him breathing, but I had called, so I had to talk.
“Hey.” I said, awkwardly.
“Hello.” He answered with the same sleepy voice I loved to hear.
“Uh… can we meet somewhere? I… I miss you.” It was hard to say that, not because I didn’t mean it, I really missed him, since the moment he left, but something seemed to prevent me from saying it.
“Uh… ok?” I wasn’t sure it was a question though. “I guess we can meet… uh… in front of Zack’s house, the playground… since you don’t try to stab me again with a butter knife.” He said, trying to break that awkward atmosphere.
“Ok, I’ll be there in ten minutes.” I said, it was far, but it looked like my subconcious was sleeping, I had to take the opportunity.
“Ten minutes?” He asked, but I had already turned the phone off.
I ran so much, I almost literally flied to the playground, funny thing is, when I got there, he was already there, sitting on the very same swing, smoking.
“You shouldn’t smoke, you know?” I said, breathless.
“You shouldn’t try to rip people’s fingers off with a butter knife, you know?” He said, serious.
“You shouldn’t keep reminding me that, I may want to try it again, and I won’t fail at this time.” I said, sitting by his side.
He didn’t say anything, he laughed a little bit for a moment, finished his cigarette and lit another one.
“Stop this, is bad for you.” I said, staring at my feet on the ground.
“Why do you worry so much about me.” He asked, staring directly at my lost eyes.
“My dad is dying of lung cancer.” I told him the truth, finally. “He smoked when he was nervous, just like you, and I don’t wanna lose you… Jacky.” I’m glad I found the strenght to say that, even without understanding what I felt.
“Jacky.” He laughed ironically. “People risk their lives everyday Alex, people die everyday, I’m not going to stop doing something that makes me feel good just because I’m risking my life by doing it, I’m sorry ‘bout your father, but I don’t give a fuck about me.” He stared at the ground, chuckling, I was going to say I cared about him, but he talked before I could open my mouth. “You shouldn’t care about me, you should care about yourself, you’re letting these nightmares consume you…”
“Why do you care so much about me?” I interrupted him. He took a deep breath and laughed ironically staring at the ground once more.
“Because I fucking love you Alex.”
Update: I totally cried.
Again.
1/15/15