Thanks To You
Self destruction.
“I-I’m s-so sorry…” I didn’t know what to say, so I just said the most cliché thing that popped in my mind.
“Don’t feel sorry for him.” He said, disgusted. “If you knew the shit he said about you, you would want to dance on his fucking grave.” He stared at the ceiling, chuckling.
This was something that freaking scared me about Jack, the hate he felt for his father. When he talked about him, I swear I would always forget the sweet guy he was with me, since he talked like a psychopath. I really didn’t want Jack to hate me, ever. I mean, his father died, and he was laughing.
“W-what did he say about me?” I asked, he didn’t answer. “What did you tell him about m-me?” I said, reformulating my question.
“I told him you were my boyfriend.” He said, laughing at the ceiling.
“W-what? W-why?” I was confused.
“Well… here we go.” He said, sitting on the bed, with his back against the wall. “I was in my bedroom, taking a shower, then I went downstairs to get some clothes in the laudry. It was around 7pm and my father was in the kitchen. He asked me where was I going, I said I was going to get some clothes because I had a date.” He smiled. “He asked who was I going out with, I said it was none of his business, and he asked again, so I said I was going out with you.” His smile was gone and he now stared at his lap. “He said I shouldn’t go out with you, because you only wanted my money, and you were an irresponsable kid, and you should disappear from me life.” He sighed. “Then I said you were my boyfriend… and he laughed at me, and he got angry, and we argued, so he left the house, said he was going to get drunk.” He finally turned to stare at me. “Then I had the best Thursday night of my life and you already know the rest of the story.” He stopped talking, smiling at me.
“I-I… don’t know what to say.” I said. “I feel like this is all my fault.” I sighed at him.
“Well, it’s not your fault, just stop blaming yourself.” He sighed back, then changed subject. “So… how did you survive without me?” He chuckled.
“I-I…” Last night? Terrible. “The nightmares are back Jack.” I said, resting my head on his lap. “H-he said I should stay away from you… that I’m ruining your lif-fe…” I whispered, while he stroked my hair gently.
“Who said that babe?” Psycho Jack was gone, sweet Jack was back.
“Oh Jack, there are so many things I want to tell you…” I said, tears filling my eyes.
“Then why won’t you tell me?” He whispered, wiping some tears from my cheek.
“I-I’m… I’m afraid of trusting people.” I didn’t know how to say that, I didn’t want to hurt Jack’s feelings.
“Look…” He started. “I don’t care if you don’t trust me, or even if you don’t like me, I just want you to know that I’m here for you… and I always will be.” He stopped for a moment. “I mean… I… I like you Alex. I like you a lot. I don’t want you to feel scared, I want to make you feel comfortable, safe… damn, I don’t know how to explain that.” He stared at the ceiling once again. “But I also respect you, so if you don’t feel like saying anything, don’t say it. I’m not pressuring you, you may not trust me now, but I won’t give up on you.” His voice faded in a whisper.
His words made me cry. I felt the same way for him, and I also didn’t know how to explain it. I just wasn’t ready to tell him about me. Tell him about the mess I was.
“Thank you so much Jack…” I said.
I stayed there for a couple of minutes until the nurse came in, telling me I should leave now, that he needed to rest. Jack was asleep, so I kissed his forehead and left the room, meeting the doctor outside. He told me Jack would have to stay there for a couple of days.
I took a cab and went home, luckily it was a weekend, so I could stay home the entire day. I really didn’t feel like going out.
I needed to dissapear from Jack’s life. I wouldn’t mess things up again. I didn’t want him to care about me, I didn’t want him to waste his time with me. It was hard, telling this to myself, but it was true, I’m a lost cause.
The last days were like this. Thinking, looking through the window. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was just thinking. It soon felt like I wasn’t alive anymore, like nothing was there to stick me to the ground. Only pain. Mental pain. I then realized how much I missed the physical pain, my blood running over my pale skin, the only thing that reminded me I was still alive.
Nobody would be there to consider my body beatiful, so I felt like I could destroy it, I felt like I should destroy it. The knife, the blood, the nightmares, they would always be there for me, they would never judge me, they were the only real things, nothing else mattered.
After a couple of days my phone would ring from time to time. My body started to reject everything I ate, Rose would knock on my door and shout things I would’t pay attention at. The doorbell rang a couple of times, but I didn’t care who it was.
But one day, I decided to face it. I decided to face him, tell him everything. Tell him he should dissapear. So I opened the door.
As I expected, it was him. And he stared at me with tears covering his face. He looked destroyed, just like me, and as always, I caused it, he looked like he was dead inside and it was my fault.
“Why are you doing this?” He whispered in a weak voice.
Then everything went dark.
“Don’t feel sorry for him.” He said, disgusted. “If you knew the shit he said about you, you would want to dance on his fucking grave.” He stared at the ceiling, chuckling.
This was something that freaking scared me about Jack, the hate he felt for his father. When he talked about him, I swear I would always forget the sweet guy he was with me, since he talked like a psychopath. I really didn’t want Jack to hate me, ever. I mean, his father died, and he was laughing.
“W-what did he say about me?” I asked, he didn’t answer. “What did you tell him about m-me?” I said, reformulating my question.
“I told him you were my boyfriend.” He said, laughing at the ceiling.
“W-what? W-why?” I was confused.
“Well… here we go.” He said, sitting on the bed, with his back against the wall. “I was in my bedroom, taking a shower, then I went downstairs to get some clothes in the laudry. It was around 7pm and my father was in the kitchen. He asked me where was I going, I said I was going to get some clothes because I had a date.” He smiled. “He asked who was I going out with, I said it was none of his business, and he asked again, so I said I was going out with you.” His smile was gone and he now stared at his lap. “He said I shouldn’t go out with you, because you only wanted my money, and you were an irresponsable kid, and you should disappear from me life.” He sighed. “Then I said you were my boyfriend… and he laughed at me, and he got angry, and we argued, so he left the house, said he was going to get drunk.” He finally turned to stare at me. “Then I had the best Thursday night of my life and you already know the rest of the story.” He stopped talking, smiling at me.
“I-I… don’t know what to say.” I said. “I feel like this is all my fault.” I sighed at him.
“Well, it’s not your fault, just stop blaming yourself.” He sighed back, then changed subject. “So… how did you survive without me?” He chuckled.
“I-I…” Last night? Terrible. “The nightmares are back Jack.” I said, resting my head on his lap. “H-he said I should stay away from you… that I’m ruining your lif-fe…” I whispered, while he stroked my hair gently.
“Who said that babe?” Psycho Jack was gone, sweet Jack was back.
“Oh Jack, there are so many things I want to tell you…” I said, tears filling my eyes.
“Then why won’t you tell me?” He whispered, wiping some tears from my cheek.
“I-I’m… I’m afraid of trusting people.” I didn’t know how to say that, I didn’t want to hurt Jack’s feelings.
“Look…” He started. “I don’t care if you don’t trust me, or even if you don’t like me, I just want you to know that I’m here for you… and I always will be.” He stopped for a moment. “I mean… I… I like you Alex. I like you a lot. I don’t want you to feel scared, I want to make you feel comfortable, safe… damn, I don’t know how to explain that.” He stared at the ceiling once again. “But I also respect you, so if you don’t feel like saying anything, don’t say it. I’m not pressuring you, you may not trust me now, but I won’t give up on you.” His voice faded in a whisper.
His words made me cry. I felt the same way for him, and I also didn’t know how to explain it. I just wasn’t ready to tell him about me. Tell him about the mess I was.
“Thank you so much Jack…” I said.
I stayed there for a couple of minutes until the nurse came in, telling me I should leave now, that he needed to rest. Jack was asleep, so I kissed his forehead and left the room, meeting the doctor outside. He told me Jack would have to stay there for a couple of days.
I took a cab and went home, luckily it was a weekend, so I could stay home the entire day. I really didn’t feel like going out.
I needed to dissapear from Jack’s life. I wouldn’t mess things up again. I didn’t want him to care about me, I didn’t want him to waste his time with me. It was hard, telling this to myself, but it was true, I’m a lost cause.
The last days were like this. Thinking, looking through the window. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I was just thinking. It soon felt like I wasn’t alive anymore, like nothing was there to stick me to the ground. Only pain. Mental pain. I then realized how much I missed the physical pain, my blood running over my pale skin, the only thing that reminded me I was still alive.
Nobody would be there to consider my body beatiful, so I felt like I could destroy it, I felt like I should destroy it. The knife, the blood, the nightmares, they would always be there for me, they would never judge me, they were the only real things, nothing else mattered.
After a couple of days my phone would ring from time to time. My body started to reject everything I ate, Rose would knock on my door and shout things I would’t pay attention at. The doorbell rang a couple of times, but I didn’t care who it was.
But one day, I decided to face it. I decided to face him, tell him everything. Tell him he should dissapear. So I opened the door.
As I expected, it was him. And he stared at me with tears covering his face. He looked destroyed, just like me, and as always, I caused it, he looked like he was dead inside and it was my fault.
“Why are you doing this?” He whispered in a weak voice.
Then everything went dark.
Notes
I honestly didn't like this chapter, but I like some drama... sometimes. Comments? Suggestions?(I don't want to be annoying but I'm going to be annoying I have 12 subscribers and only 4 people comment you don't love me ok bye)
Update: I totally cried.
Again.
1/15/15