Thanks To You
Alone.
I was sitting on my bed. Head spinning, I’ve never been so confused in my entire life. Even though I always felt the same way about boys and girls, I’ve never kissed a guy, and, I had only kissed one girl in my whole life.
Her name is Lisa. While everybody hated me, she was always there, but not by my side, she was kind of obsessed. Always worried about me, always protecting me, but not like Jack, it was different, she scared me.
We were at this party when she kissed me. I was never invited to parties and then she was dancing with me and kissed me in front of everybody. I was obviously too nervous to know what to do, so it was the worst day of my life. Since that day, the guys would always call me a faggot at school. And she would always be there, trying to comfort me. But it never worked, it never made a difference. I was 13.
At the same time I wanted someone to care about me, I wanted her to stay away from me. It was when the nightmares started.
But I didn’t want Jack to stay away from me. When he would be far away, I would want him close, and if he was close, I would want him even closer. It was all so weird. Things were happening way too fast. Maybe he felt the same way about me, I mean, he kissed me, or maybe he just wanted to see me happy, there’s no way he could possibly fall for someone like me, I’m not even good looking.
Maybe all he feels is pity for me.
I lie in my bed, hugging my pillow and washing my face with tears once again. What’s nice about my house is that it was far from the big city, so it was completely silent, and all I could hear was the rain outside. I don’t know when it started, but it was raining a lot.
I reached for my phone and checked the time. It was 1:46am. I still had 5 unread texts. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read them. Okay, I wanted to.
3:34pm
- soo how was
your lunch? (;
4:13pm
- it would be nice
if u answered me
u know? what if
im dying or somethin
4:31pm
- im feeling
ignored
7:26pm
- u didnt forget
did u?
7:51pm
- im leaving home
right now, ill be
there in 20 mins :D
I couldn’t hold back a smile. I thought of texting him back, saying I already missed him or something like that, but I didn’t want to sound corny or cliché, so I just close my eyes and fall asleep, I still had class today.
“I’m glad you finally realized he doesn’t give a fuck about you.”
Not you again.
“I bet he didn’t text you yet because he is spending the night at… what’s the name of the big guy again? …Zack. They seemed pretty close to me.”
They’re just friends.
“And he’s not even your friend. What do you think? Do you think he loves you? You’re so naïve Alexander.”
Shut up. You don’t know anything.
“He wants to use you, then you’ll be thrown away, and when you’re back at the darkness, ripping you’re skin with a knife, I’ll just laugh at you.”
Get out of my mind!
“I AM your mind. I’m warning you. I’m just trying to help.”
GET OUT.
I woke up crying. Overthinking sucks.
- where are you?
I texted May. She is always in class, even if she’s sick, she never misses it. Funny thing that today, she wasn’t. I got a little bit worried, but the reason why I didn’t stop staring at my phone the whole morning was because I sent Jack a “Good morning” and he didn’t reply.
“Excuse me Mr. Gaskarth, but could you turn off your phone before I take it from you?” Math teacher Mathilda said. I hate that bitch.
“Sorry.” I whispered, turning off my phone, luckily it was the last class, then I could go at May’s and ask her what happened. And see Jack as a bonus.
Today had been awful. May was my only friend at school and I felt so alone without her. In my way to the Barakat’s house, I did my best not to overthink again. I didn’t want those voices to end up escaping from my nightmares.
Aproaching the house I could see there were three cars missing in the garage. One was Jack’s car.
I climbed the porch and knocked on the door, noticing there was a doorbell, so I rang it.
Seconds later this short skinny old woman opened the door, she was dressed as a maid.
“How can I help you sir?” She asked, childlike voice, serious face.
“Uh…” I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do there. “Is May at home?”
“Nobody’s home now sir, but I can leave a message if you wish.” She said, still serious.
“No thanks.” I answered. “Do you know where are they?” I asked, fast, as she began to close the door.
“I suppose you didn’t see the news.” She said, opening the door again with a concerned look. “They said, one of the Barakat’s got involved in a car accident last night, i'm not sure who it was.” My heart stopped. “It was raining a lot and this drunk man hit his car.” My breath stopped. “They said one of the involved in the accident couldn’t make it, and the other one hit his head too hard and didn’t want to wake up.” I was dizzy. “The whole family is at the hospital now.” I paralized.
“I-I… I…” I didn’t know what to say. “W-where’s the hospital?” I said, barely hearable voice, everything was spinning.
“Hum… I suppose you are a close friend of the family, am I right?” She asked, raising an eyebrow, I nodded, holding on to the wall so I wouldn’t fall. “I can call a taxi if you want, if you have money of course.” I nodded again as she openned the door for me to enter. “Come in, I’ll get you a glass of water.” I did as she said.
I sat on the TV room couch drinking the water as she called a cab. Why the fuck did this happen? He couldn’t be dead, I mean, he wasn’t dead. I don’t know what was worse, being dead or not waking up. What if hitting his head damaged his brain or something? What if he doesn’t remember me anymore? What if he hates me? It was all my fault, as always. Everything was my fault. I should stay away from him so I didn’t ruin his life. I was crying as the maid came again saying the cab was already in front of the house.
I whispered a “thanks” while I entered the cab.
“To the hospital?” He asked. I nodded.
“E-excuse me.” I said to the hospital receptionist, she raised her head to face me. “W-where can I find… J-Jack Barakat? I’m a friend.” I asked, as she turned her head to the computer.
“… room 230, second floor.” She smiled at me with pity.
I nodded and ran to the elevator. When I reached the second floor, all I could see was a waiting room. Sitting on the couch, was May, Joe and Leeyh, who had a pretty brunette girl next to him, I suppose she was Taylor.
May was the first one to see me. She ran to me and hugged me, crying really hard.
“What happened?” I whispered, stroking her hair.
“He was at the corner of our house and he was hanging out with his friend and when he was close to our house another car crashed into his car and…” She was talking even faster now when she started to sob. “I-I don’t want them to die Alex, they can’t die.” She cried. Them?
“Excuse me, are you Mr. Barakat’s family?” A nurse came, interrupting us.
“Yes.” Leeyh said. “How are them?” He asked, getting up.
“Jack is awake, but the doctor said only one visit at a time.” The nurse said. “And also, could you come with me?” She said, pointing at Leeyh.
“Okay…” He said, getting up with Taylor. “May, why don’t you go talk to Jack?” He said, Joe was sleeping, what’s wrong with this boy?
“N-no, not now…” She cried, looking at me. “Can you go there talk to him for me? Tell him I’ll go later?” I nodded, unwrapping my arms from her and walking towards room 230.
I entered the bedroom and Jack had his eyes closed. The doctor told me he was still resting and nothing serious had happened, and if it wasn’t for the airbag of the car, the wound in his head would have been much worse.
“Hey Jacky…” I whispered, sitting by his side and stroking his hand. I had never considered a man beautiful, but even though he was at the hospital, with all that stuff attached to him, he still looked fucking beautiful. “I’m sorry.” I whispered again, wiping a stubborn tear and closing my eyes.
“It’s okay babe, I’m not dead yet.” When I looked at him, he already had his eyes open and was smiling.
“I liked the new nickname.” I smiled back, earning a weak chuckle from him.
He sighed and relaxed his head on the pillow. It hurt to look at him like that, he looked so fragile.
“My head hurts like hell.” He closed his eyes again.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” I whispered. “I went over your house and the maid told me a drunk guy hit your car, she told someone died in the accident.” I said carefuly. “I was afraid it was you.” I whispered.
“Oh, the irony.” He chuckled, nervously, I stared at him confused.
“Well, he was wrong, he was drunk, it wouldn’t be fair if you died instead of him…” I said, hesitantly.
“You know what’s funny?” He said, ignoring me, it kind of irritated me when he did that, but I didn’t care now. “The doctors took us here on the same ambulance.” He started. “…and there was a moment… I woke up in the ambulance, it was like, just for a second, I openned my eyes, and looked at the guy who was bleeding by my side, and for that small second, I thought he looked a lot like my father.” He chuckled, eyes still closed.
“… kinda creepy don’t you think?” I said, carefuly.
“Hell yeah.” He said, finally opening his eyes. “Wanna know what’s even creepier?” He smiled, in a… creepy way.
I raised an eyebrow, so he could continue speaking, and he finally whispered.
“My dad was killed in a car accident tonight.”
Her name is Lisa. While everybody hated me, she was always there, but not by my side, she was kind of obsessed. Always worried about me, always protecting me, but not like Jack, it was different, she scared me.
We were at this party when she kissed me. I was never invited to parties and then she was dancing with me and kissed me in front of everybody. I was obviously too nervous to know what to do, so it was the worst day of my life. Since that day, the guys would always call me a faggot at school. And she would always be there, trying to comfort me. But it never worked, it never made a difference. I was 13.
At the same time I wanted someone to care about me, I wanted her to stay away from me. It was when the nightmares started.
But I didn’t want Jack to stay away from me. When he would be far away, I would want him close, and if he was close, I would want him even closer. It was all so weird. Things were happening way too fast. Maybe he felt the same way about me, I mean, he kissed me, or maybe he just wanted to see me happy, there’s no way he could possibly fall for someone like me, I’m not even good looking.
Maybe all he feels is pity for me.
I lie in my bed, hugging my pillow and washing my face with tears once again. What’s nice about my house is that it was far from the big city, so it was completely silent, and all I could hear was the rain outside. I don’t know when it started, but it was raining a lot.
I reached for my phone and checked the time. It was 1:46am. I still had 5 unread texts. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to read them. Okay, I wanted to.
3:34pm
- soo how was
your lunch? (;
4:13pm
- it would be nice
if u answered me
u know? what if
im dying or somethin
4:31pm
- im feeling
ignored
7:26pm
- u didnt forget
did u?
7:51pm
- im leaving home
right now, ill be
there in 20 mins :D
I couldn’t hold back a smile. I thought of texting him back, saying I already missed him or something like that, but I didn’t want to sound corny or cliché, so I just close my eyes and fall asleep, I still had class today.
“I’m glad you finally realized he doesn’t give a fuck about you.”
Not you again.
“I bet he didn’t text you yet because he is spending the night at… what’s the name of the big guy again? …Zack. They seemed pretty close to me.”
They’re just friends.
“And he’s not even your friend. What do you think? Do you think he loves you? You’re so naïve Alexander.”
Shut up. You don’t know anything.
“He wants to use you, then you’ll be thrown away, and when you’re back at the darkness, ripping you’re skin with a knife, I’ll just laugh at you.”
Get out of my mind!
“I AM your mind. I’m warning you. I’m just trying to help.”
GET OUT.
I woke up crying. Overthinking sucks.
- where are you?
I texted May. She is always in class, even if she’s sick, she never misses it. Funny thing that today, she wasn’t. I got a little bit worried, but the reason why I didn’t stop staring at my phone the whole morning was because I sent Jack a “Good morning” and he didn’t reply.
“Excuse me Mr. Gaskarth, but could you turn off your phone before I take it from you?” Math teacher Mathilda said. I hate that bitch.
“Sorry.” I whispered, turning off my phone, luckily it was the last class, then I could go at May’s and ask her what happened. And see Jack as a bonus.
Today had been awful. May was my only friend at school and I felt so alone without her. In my way to the Barakat’s house, I did my best not to overthink again. I didn’t want those voices to end up escaping from my nightmares.
Aproaching the house I could see there were three cars missing in the garage. One was Jack’s car.
I climbed the porch and knocked on the door, noticing there was a doorbell, so I rang it.
Seconds later this short skinny old woman opened the door, she was dressed as a maid.
“How can I help you sir?” She asked, childlike voice, serious face.
“Uh…” I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do there. “Is May at home?”
“Nobody’s home now sir, but I can leave a message if you wish.” She said, still serious.
“No thanks.” I answered. “Do you know where are they?” I asked, fast, as she began to close the door.
“I suppose you didn’t see the news.” She said, opening the door again with a concerned look. “They said, one of the Barakat’s got involved in a car accident last night, i'm not sure who it was.” My heart stopped. “It was raining a lot and this drunk man hit his car.” My breath stopped. “They said one of the involved in the accident couldn’t make it, and the other one hit his head too hard and didn’t want to wake up.” I was dizzy. “The whole family is at the hospital now.” I paralized.
“I-I… I…” I didn’t know what to say. “W-where’s the hospital?” I said, barely hearable voice, everything was spinning.
“Hum… I suppose you are a close friend of the family, am I right?” She asked, raising an eyebrow, I nodded, holding on to the wall so I wouldn’t fall. “I can call a taxi if you want, if you have money of course.” I nodded again as she openned the door for me to enter. “Come in, I’ll get you a glass of water.” I did as she said.
I sat on the TV room couch drinking the water as she called a cab. Why the fuck did this happen? He couldn’t be dead, I mean, he wasn’t dead. I don’t know what was worse, being dead or not waking up. What if hitting his head damaged his brain or something? What if he doesn’t remember me anymore? What if he hates me? It was all my fault, as always. Everything was my fault. I should stay away from him so I didn’t ruin his life. I was crying as the maid came again saying the cab was already in front of the house.
I whispered a “thanks” while I entered the cab.
“To the hospital?” He asked. I nodded.
“E-excuse me.” I said to the hospital receptionist, she raised her head to face me. “W-where can I find… J-Jack Barakat? I’m a friend.” I asked, as she turned her head to the computer.
“… room 230, second floor.” She smiled at me with pity.
I nodded and ran to the elevator. When I reached the second floor, all I could see was a waiting room. Sitting on the couch, was May, Joe and Leeyh, who had a pretty brunette girl next to him, I suppose she was Taylor.
May was the first one to see me. She ran to me and hugged me, crying really hard.
“What happened?” I whispered, stroking her hair.
“He was at the corner of our house and he was hanging out with his friend and when he was close to our house another car crashed into his car and…” She was talking even faster now when she started to sob. “I-I don’t want them to die Alex, they can’t die.” She cried. Them?
“Excuse me, are you Mr. Barakat’s family?” A nurse came, interrupting us.
“Yes.” Leeyh said. “How are them?” He asked, getting up.
“Jack is awake, but the doctor said only one visit at a time.” The nurse said. “And also, could you come with me?” She said, pointing at Leeyh.
“Okay…” He said, getting up with Taylor. “May, why don’t you go talk to Jack?” He said, Joe was sleeping, what’s wrong with this boy?
“N-no, not now…” She cried, looking at me. “Can you go there talk to him for me? Tell him I’ll go later?” I nodded, unwrapping my arms from her and walking towards room 230.
I entered the bedroom and Jack had his eyes closed. The doctor told me he was still resting and nothing serious had happened, and if it wasn’t for the airbag of the car, the wound in his head would have been much worse.
“Hey Jacky…” I whispered, sitting by his side and stroking his hand. I had never considered a man beautiful, but even though he was at the hospital, with all that stuff attached to him, he still looked fucking beautiful. “I’m sorry.” I whispered again, wiping a stubborn tear and closing my eyes.
“It’s okay babe, I’m not dead yet.” When I looked at him, he already had his eyes open and was smiling.
“I liked the new nickname.” I smiled back, earning a weak chuckle from him.
He sighed and relaxed his head on the pillow. It hurt to look at him like that, he looked so fragile.
“My head hurts like hell.” He closed his eyes again.
“I’m glad you’re okay.” I whispered. “I went over your house and the maid told me a drunk guy hit your car, she told someone died in the accident.” I said carefuly. “I was afraid it was you.” I whispered.
“Oh, the irony.” He chuckled, nervously, I stared at him confused.
“Well, he was wrong, he was drunk, it wouldn’t be fair if you died instead of him…” I said, hesitantly.
“You know what’s funny?” He said, ignoring me, it kind of irritated me when he did that, but I didn’t care now. “The doctors took us here on the same ambulance.” He started. “…and there was a moment… I woke up in the ambulance, it was like, just for a second, I openned my eyes, and looked at the guy who was bleeding by my side, and for that small second, I thought he looked a lot like my father.” He chuckled, eyes still closed.
“… kinda creepy don’t you think?” I said, carefuly.
“Hell yeah.” He said, finally opening his eyes. “Wanna know what’s even creepier?” He smiled, in a… creepy way.
I raised an eyebrow, so he could continue speaking, and he finally whispered.
“My dad was killed in a car accident tonight.”
Update: I totally cried.
Again.
1/15/15