I watched Jack leave with a heavy heart. I hadn't explained to him about how I might have anxiety yet, not that it would be much of an excuse. Especially when I don't even know for sure if I did or not.

Just, after everything that happened and how I had to hide so many things from other for so long has made me paranoid. I get nervous that Jack will revert back because he did it once, why not again? He has no idea how I exactly felt through it all. I never want that experience again.

I listened to the shower run upstairs as I thought it over. I think I know why Jack is upset that I'm having doubts. No matter how small they are. We are actually engaged now, and if I'm having doubt then what's the point of continuing our relationship? I shouldn't be expecting him to ever do this again, I know how strong he can be when he puts his mind to something. I started to feel really guilty for not even really giving him a chance. I shouldn't feel like it's going to happen again, I should even think about it happening again unless it actually does.

I stood up from the couch, leaving Bailey on it. The water had stopped awhile ago but Jack had yet to come back downstairs. He was probably in our room, sulking. I walked up the stairs quickly, and headed to it. Sure enough he was there, dressed and still with wet hair. When I walked in he looked at me. The hurt look on his face only fueled me further to walk over and straddle his lap.

It took him by surprise and before he could say anything, I started talking.

“It was really hard, you know.” I said, gripping the front of his fresh shirt. “Dealing with you being that way and feeling the constant conflict of rather or not I should have told someone. Especially when you would tell me not to. I listened to anything you said partly because I was scare, but also because I just wanted to do anything to make you happy. I lived in constant fear that someone would find out, and tour would get canceled and we'd have to tell the world what was wrong with you and that it would ruin everything for you guys. That's a lot of weight to be on one person's shoulder Jack.”

I felt tears run down my cheeks as I rested my forehead on his shoulder. Taking in a shakey breath I continued.

“When you started leaving the bus, and coming back drunk or high, whichever it was I was always worried that one night you wouldn't come back. That I would hear from some cop or hospital that you were dead and it would be my fault for not saying anything or stopping you. The night I told you I was leaving you was a bluff. I would never stay away for long. I just thought it would get through to you, that it would stop everything from being so insane. Stop everything that everyone was going through. Not just me, but our friends and you, included.”

I closed my eyes, memories flooding into my mind.

“I did find out about the drugs from Zack. Alex, Matt and him confronted me when you were sleeping. They literally dragged me out of bed. He told em everything, he showed me a picture. Alex and Matt were on the couch next to me and when I refused to talk about you and what you were doing to me. They held me there and just kept asking trying to force it out of me. It was pressuring, and hard, and the conflict in my head was too overwhelming to the point where I couldn't breathe anymore. I had a panic attack trying to keep your dirty little secret. The last straw for me was when you tried to...” I choked on a sob.

“When you tried to kill me, I was terrified. You were looking at me like you hated me with all your heart. You said I had a choice in leaving when I didn't. I couldn't fight anymore, Jack. I was broken, and I still wanted to stay by your side when Alex mentioned possibly sending you a mental hospital. I just couldn't fight for what I wanted, not anymore. It was too much.”

I could feel Jack shaking as he cried too, his arms had found their way around me.

“W-when you hung up on me, there was so much more to it then me just not leaving the house.” I said. “I found out I had lost twenty pounds on tour. When you disappeared, I lost more. I was under a hundred pounds. If I hadn't freaked out and ran to Dalton's, who made me eat, I probably would have wasted away. Alone and depressed in Hayley and I's apartment. I convinced myself that you hated me so I could at least pretend I hated you too. When you came back, I was so pissed that you walked back into my life and I still wanted to run into you despite everything. Now I tried to convince myself that it wasn't you so I wouldn't have to deal with this new fear of you being that way again.”

My grip was so tight by now I was sure Jack's shirt was stretched and my hands were starting to hurt.

“I know this is no excuse for how I've been, but your doctor said I might have anxiety that has been worsened from the incident. Basically I'm suffering with the PTSD of an abused spouse and I hate hearing that because it makes you seem like a terrible person when I know you're not. I love you so much and I never want to think about you that way but if I have to face the truth then I will. You do so much for me, I should be able to do the same for you.”

I wrapped my arms around him, feeling out of breath, a little shaken, but overall more relieved than I have for awhile. I literally collapse into his arms, silently letting my tears fall into his shirt, face buried in Jack's shoulders. I held on tightly, I never wanted to let go.

I wasn't sure how Jack was going to take listening to all that, but it was there. It was finally out in the open. I listened to him sniffle and cry as we just held onto each other. I didn't know what was next for us, I just hoped it was a hell of a lot better than this.

Notes

It's short, I know. But, hey. Lots of talking done here by Ember. And if you didn't tear up you're lying. *blows nose*