I knew this moment was coming, I just didn't realize how hard it would be when we finally got around to it. Admittedly, I was comforted by the fact that Ember could pretend it wasn't really me who did all of those things to her, but I knew she needed closure on what happened, even if that meant the finger of blame landed on me. Hell, part of my recovery was accepting the things I'd done, which meant I needed to suck it up and get through this conversation with her. It just scared me, thinking that Ember may never be able to forgive me, like I'll never be able to forgive myself.


"I don't know what to say," Ember confessed, patting a spot beside her on the couch for Bailey to curl up next to her. "Do you remember everything you did?"


"Somethings are clear, some are fuzzy. I- I remember hitting you, but the real intense things, like when I tried to kill you.. I don't remember doing it it, I just remember that I did.."


Ember winced at the mention of that cruel night, which made me feel even worse than I already had. At the very least, I could explain what I'd been feeling, she deserved that much.


"Okay, let's talk about that night since it's clearly bothering you," I frowned, my eyes trying to find hers, but she was looking right past me. "That... That was a really bad night, even before anything happened, Ember. Then, when you told me you were leaving me, that's when it got fuzzy. I was angry, that's it, it was the only emotional I could feel. So when you said you were leaving me everything else got mixed into my rage. My fear, my sadness, the lonely feeling that was sure to follow. Something inside of me started to panic, but I was so fucking pissed off.. And that's when I lost control of myself. I don't remember what I did, just what the guys told me and I'm so sorry that I didn't know how to sort out my emotions. I'm so fucking sorry."


Ember didn't speak, but I could tell from the way she blinked and swallowed that she was fighting back tears. I hated seeing her hurt and I hated that I was the cause. If I could just fix her... And that's when I decided to just talk about everything. Every little detail.


"You liked me, at first, when I stopped taking my meds. You said I was happy and you loved it. The alcohol started all of the crazy, I think. Because that night we went out drinking, that's when it started. I guess, any grip that I had on reality, I drank away. And it felt so much better to let myself go than to cling to the idea that I was broken."


"I knew going out was a bad idea."


"And I should have listened to you, but I didn't. I guess," I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment, trying to get the memory for Bri, and the drugs, and the hopelessness out of my mind. I never wanted to feel that way again, but here it was, eating me alive. "I guess I really was the demon from your dreams and you still see me that way because that's how I treated you. Maybe what you're seeing is my illness. We've both witnessed how easy it was for me to lose the battle. But I'm back, Ember. The old me is back and I'm never going down that road again. You believe that, don't you?"


Ember shifted her weight, the puppy by her side curling up against her side to catch some sleep. It would have been a beautiful moment, but I could sense the doubt running through Ember's mind. The things I've done to her were horrible and twisted, but sitting here now, seeing her doubt the fact that I was going to stay better.. That killed me.


If there's one thing I needed through all of this, it was support, just like she needs help dealing with what happened, but if Ember didn't believe I could stay better.. Where was the point in trying to? Why did I wake up every morning, make myself take those pills and constantly work on keeping my emotions in check if Ember didn't think I'd be able to stay this way in the long run? Just thinking of that, it made me question everything we've been through recently. Did she really want to marry me? Was she really happy with the life we've created together? Did she have faith that we could make this relationship last?


"Jack, I just worry, that's all."


"So do I. It's not easy to know that you're suffering because of my illness and it's not easy to live with the things that I've done. It sure as Hell isn't easy to fight this battle everyday, but I do it, for you. And it's going to take some time for my body and mind to get back to where it used to be, but I'm getting there."


"I know, it's just-"
"I love you, Ember, but if you seriously doubt that I'm going to stay this human then this conversation is much bigger than I thought it was. I'm gonna go take a shower.. If you decide you want to talk, really talk about what happened, I'll be more than willing to listen."


The frown on her face broke my heart, but I couldn't sit there and re-live the past, put us both through that pain again, if it was all for nothing. Ember had to decide what she wanted and where her heart was before this, any of it, could go any further.

Notes

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