"Do you think I enjoyed being the monster I became?"


Ember was curled up on her side of the bed with tear stains on her cheeks. She was exhausted and sick from all the crying she'd done, so I cried with her and let her vent out all of those bad feelings. Eventually, she'd had enough and called it a night. That's why, sitting on the bed next to her, watching her breathe peacefully, I knew it was my turn.


She was right - She'd been through Hell and she took on way more than she deserved. I don't know why she stuck with me, she says it was love, I say it was fear. But it made me feel like I didn't deserve to haver her now. Sighing, I bit my lip and let my eyes trail to Bailey. Fuck, it took losing her just to get her the puppy she'd been asking for. I am a dick.


"I should have let you stay at Dalton's. I should have let you go and have the life you wanted. It would have been Hell for both of us at first, but you would have moved on and found a guy who can treat you better than I can, a guy that doesn't make you scream and cry when you try to fall asleep at night."


It was heart breaking to admit, but it was true. Ember had a stable job, she had her best friend and she was living a whole new life. Dalton was taking good care of her, at least, from what I'd heard. She didn't want anything to do with me and that was understandable. She was mad as Hell and I should have let her stay that way. What she went through wasn't sparking these nightmares or her anxiety.. It was me.


"I bought the drugs because I knew I needed help but I didn't want someone to confirm that. I thought if I gave my mind something to calm it, so to speak, I'd be able to control myself more. I never once considered that it'd be a new addiction. And the booze, they just made it worse, but they made me feel better. None of you guys understood and you were constantly comparing me to who I used to be, which was really just me without my meds. I just wanted someone to love me for who I really am, or, was. That's where Bri came into play."


A shaky breath left my mouth. Even though Ember hadn't moved beside me, speaking of Bri, regardless of whether or not Ember was awake, was complicated. She never asked about the redhead and I never told. That's the way I wanted to keep it.. But the fact remains, I was talking to Bri again, and a part of me needed Ember to accept that.


"I can't tell you exactly what happened between Bri and I, because I honestly don't know. But she seemed to think I was perfectly fine when I was off of my meds and she welcomed me back without chewing me out when I got out of rehab. She definitely seems to have feelings for me, but she's also a really good friend."


I don't know why I was speaking, some of these things I'd already told her and some of these things I'd sworn to keep to myself. Maybe it wasn't even for her, it was for me. Things that I needed to say outloud. Things I needed her to hear, even if she didn't know she was hearing them.


"The other things I did to you.. It was like someone else took over me and it was also a warning, I think. Ember I shouldn't have used you like that and I think it was the only time I could say I was me, but I also.. Wasn't, me. Sex or any kind kept me grounded. I think, had I not done those things, I'd have been a lot worse. And I also felt like shit after but I think, that sick voice in the back of my head, told me you enjoyed it. Because I was giving you attention. I don't know. There's no excuse and I'm so fucking sorry."


By this point, I was crying again. Ember had every right to be screwed up from all the things that I did, but I was fighting like Hell to get better and I couldn't handle watching her break down over me. It made me think getting help was stupid, that I'd just go back to the man in her dreams. Honestly, it made me think we needed time apart. Maybe Ember needed to be away from me and heal.


"I went to rehab so I could be good enough for you, all of you. I never thought that by going you'd suffer more. Ember, I love you. If I have to leave again to make sure you can smile and dream without being afraid, then I will. Your happiness comes first. If you're not okay, I'm not okay, which means we're not okay.."


Wiping the tears from my eyes, I flicked off the lamp and curled up next to Ember. I thought about wrapping my arms around her, but it was the first time I'd seen her peaceful after dark in a while. She needed a night to be content.


Which meant I'd spend the night suffering, tossing and turning, wondering if I should stay or go. A part of me always knew she'd be better off without me.

Notes

Uh-ho! Jack is thinking about leaving his troubled paradise! D: