The rest of the morning after my little 'argument' with Jack went seemingly ok. Well, as ok as it could get for me that is. I mindlessly took notes whilst doing my best to avoid any awkward conversation with Jack and Rian, both of which were determined to talk to me for some reason. It was really tiring actually, holding conversations, especially when I'd rather be anywhere but here. But by 3rd period I fell into a semi-comfortable routine.

All until lunch that is. Lunch had always seemed like a waste of time to me. It usually doesn't take long for me to eat my daily lunch of raw spinach and rice cakes, all washed down with water of course. So I'm left with a lot of free time, a lot of time to think, a lot of time to write. Yes, to only add to the 'emo fag' stereotype I was already fitting into so well, I write songs. You can't blame me though, can you? I can't always run a blade through my skin when I need relief, and this is the next best thing.

But today, Rian made me eat lunch with himself, Jack and their other friend Matt. Why these boys are so interested by me, I'll never know. But for some reason they are, and for some reason I can't seem to ditch them. It's not like I enjoy being on my own all the time, it's just, most days I'd rather not bother with messy conversations. I'd be perfectly fine with silent companionship. Just so I know I'm not completely forgotten about.

"Is that really all you're eating?" Matt asked, after the introduction phase of our conversation was over.

I shrugged and took a sip of water. More food means more calories, and more calories means more fat. And look at me, I'm already fat enough as it is, I don't need any more. So yes Matt, this is all I'm eating.

"That can't be healthy..." Rian muttered, taking a bite of his school made hamburger.

Yes because a 400 calorie sandwich is healthy... Not that it didn't look appetizing... But I've learned that absolutely nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Food gives a temporary high of pleasure that leaves you wanting more. Eating is nothing but a disease plaguing the human race. Look at us fatties, carelessly shoveling food into our mouths. Only the truly disciplined can break this addiction and become skinny, and that's what I want. What I need.

"I've never had much of an appetite," I answer, only half a lie.

I have an appetite yes, but not for food. I'm getting so much better about not wanting food. My appetite is for alcohol and blades and sleep, that's all I really need. The feeling I get from those three things is enough to get me through the day, and at this point, that's all I'm asking for.

Jack stayed quiet for the whole lunch period. But I could feel his eyes on mine, starring as he sat at the edge of the table, eating his chicken sandwich. He didn't even bother looking away when I caught him doing it, he just held the eye contact until I grew uncomfortable and looked away, quickly concealing a blush.

The rest of the day was boring and uneventful. Class was class, I did what I always do, mindlessly write what was being written on the board. Rian continued to talk to me, and I continued to pretend to be into the conversations, when in reality I was looking for any way out. I almost feel bad for trying to ignore him, seeing as not many people have tried to talk to me.

Jack was still doing that thing where he'd stare at me until I got the guts to look back at him. Except every time he would blink at me and avert his gaze, blushing in the slightest way possible. It would have been extremely adorable, if not for the look in his eyes.

He was looking at me as if I was a porcelain doll, teetering on the edge of the bookshelf, about to fall to my death. Maybe I am on the edge, about to lose my mind. Maybe I've already lost it. But how could he possibly know that? The scars he saw weren't even the worst ones. The worst were the ones on my stomach, the ones that needed stitches. The ones that sent me weekly therapy sessions, in which I don't speak at.

"Hey Alex," Jack said as I was getting my things from my locker to go home, "Do you want to hang out with me again today? I feel like we got off on a bad foot yesterday and I feel bad about it..."

"I don't know Jack, I'm pretty sure I'm busy," I lied.

I almost felt bad for lying as I saw his face fall. For some reason this boy is extremely adamant about spending time with me. But why? I'm nothing special, I'm just plain Alex. Homo, cutter, pansy, Alex. But Jack saw something in me that made him want to know more. And it intrigues the hell out of me.

"Maybe this weekend then?" Jack asked, hopeful.

"You know, I think I can hang for a few hours today," I said, curiosity getting the best of me.

Notes

It shouldn't have taken this long to write this chapter, but it did and I'm not even sorry.

Title Cred- We Are In The Crowd

~Mary