Who knew it would come down to a 'why the fuck not' moment. Not a panic attack or fight with my mother. Just why not? And everything went down the drain.

I'm sitting in my bed a week after school resumed, viciously tapping at my phone trying to get that dumb bird to just go through the fucking tubes. I throw my phone down after my third time in a row of getting 5 and stare at the ceiling. My eyes flash to my forearm, currently exposed do to the fact that I'm just wearing a t-shirt. It has been aching for 2 weeks now and I really just want it to stop. I think for about 3 seconds before I sit up and grab my blade from where it's sitting on my window sill. Why the fuck not? I push down and pull, not thinking for even a second about all the things I should. I repeat the same action 6 times before placing the blade back on its resting spot. I'm calmer than I ever thought I would be in a moment like this and I reach for a tissue off my dresser and mop up the pouring blood before it can soak my bed sheets, mouth set in a straight line. Each cut is relatively deep so two minutes later I still find myself pressing the tissue to my skin, occasionally stopping and letting them form droplets again. Transfixed by the blood on my pale skin I barely hear the call of my name downstairs.

“Alex I need to talk to you!” my oh so loving and caring mother I haven't talked to in a week calls from downstairs.

“Just a sec!” I yell back and push the tissue to my arm one more time. I grab a black hoodie from the floor of my bedroom and put it on before running down the stairs.

“Come talk with me,” my mother says, patting the seat on the couch next to her.

I scowl slightly but obey anyway sliding myself into the space next to her but making sure not to be too close.

She takes a deep sigh before continuing, “Alex, I owe you an apology,” okay yeah I wasn't expecting that one, “I went though this in the wrong way, I neglected to see what you were going though and I only focused on my own feelings and that was very wrong of me, I am so sorry Alex.”

I just stare at her for a moment. I don't think I've ever heard my mom apologize to anyone, let alone to me, her pathetic son, “Uh, oh, its okay mom. I shouldn't have put you through this, it's selfish of me,” I say, the full weight of my guilt crashing down on my shoulders. I didn't really think about what I was doing to my family and to Jack by doing this, but now its all I can think.

“Sweety no, don't be sorry to me, I just wish you knew you can talk to me whenever you want, I'm not going to force you to do anything you don't want to, but I just want to see you happy,” my mom says in a sweet tone, tears beginning to well up in her eyes.

“Hey mom don't cry. I promise I'm trying to be happy again,” lie, “I'm gonna be okay,” lie, “I love you,” I stretch out my arms and give her a hug before standing and returning to my room. I am fully aware that I am not getting better and I have no intentions of really trying and in all honesty I probably won't be okay, but hey, ignorance is bliss right?

Its only about an hour later that I begin to feel guilt for my previous actions. Two weeks and now I have nothing. I threw it down the drain, and for what? Because I felt like it? Jack would hate me. Jack should hate me. I am literally the worst boyfriend ever, how could I do this to him? We were supposed to get better together and I didn't even think about him. I should call him. I don't want him to find out. Maybe I could just be vague. I'll text him.

To Jacky: I'm really sorry Jack. You deserve better than me but I'll stick around as long as you'll have me. I really mean it this time.

From Jacky: For what baby? Your perfect for me, if anything I don't deserve you. I love you.

To Jacky: For everything. For going back on every promise I made about quitting. For cutting again an hour ago but expecting you not to. For not thinking about you when I tried to kill myself. I didn't think you'd be upset, but I see how much I hurt you now and I am so so sorry. I love you too, more than anything.

From Jacky: Don't apologize baby, I put you through the same thing even if it was on accident. Don't be sorry for relapsing, I did too about 4 hours ago. Are you okay?

My heart breaks at that, I just assumed Jack was still holding on to the shreds of his sanity, maybe even piecing them back together but he cracked, just like me.

To Jacky: I'll be okay as long as you are. Do you want to go get lunch and talk about it? We can come back to my place and cuddle.

Jack agrees and soon I'm sitting across from him in McDonalds, one hand linked with his while the other shoves fries into my mouth at a probably unhealthy rate. I go through phases were I won't eat more than an apple or pack of goldfish for like 3 days, and then a week later I'm shoving my face and no doubt gaining 10 pounds in the process and hating myself for it. I guess it's just a struggle between my love for food and my desire to be skinny and societies idea of beautiful, not that not eating is the way to go about it. But with Jack sitting across from me I feel nothing but beautiful. I may be a few pounds over weight and I may be covered in scars a poorly placed body hair but the look in his eyes when he stares back at me makes me feel gorgeous, and if thinks I am, then maybe, just maybe, I am beautiful.

“So,” I begin, moving my hand to lightly brush his inner arm, “Why today?”

“Um I guess it's just kind of been building up. I haven't done it since you were in the hospital and ever since its like my skin aches and the only way to stop it would be making it bleed. Then I was on Tumblr and I saw a picture of someones arm bleeding and I wanted that and then my dad yelled at me about something dumb I don't even remember, I think I left a empty glass in the living room, any way I guess I just cracked. I sat their for like 20 minutes with it pressed against my arm before I did it,” he answers, “What about you?”

“Kind of the same, for the past two weeks its been building and aching and almost itching and after thinking for about 3 seconds I couldn't think of any reasons not to. I'm back to thinking it will make me feel better and that's all. I feel really bad about it now,” I sigh.
“Hey no, don't feel bad. I know what your going though and this isn't going to be easy, but we're in it together. Okay?” Jack says in a sweet tone.

“Okay,” I half whisper.

“Let's go back to your place and cuddle now, I think we can both use it,” Jack leans over and kisses the tip of my nose, successfully making me smile. Jack grabs my hand and I let him lead me out of the small fast food joint.

We make it back to my house and spend the rest of the day in each others arms, having a Disney movie marathon and sharing cups of hot coco. As the sun begins to set I finally realize that I don't think I could ever love someone like I love Jack Barakat and I hope he feels the same.

Notes

boring filler my bad. I'm sorry i've been really bad at updating but this weekend is my last debate of the season which is sad but at the same time that means i can update more often yayyy!

Please please please comment so i know you guys still like this and I'm not writing to nobody. i love you guys bunches and bunches