I have been at Jack's house after leaving my parents for about a week now, meaning about a week since I've cut myself. It's not really that long and I'm handling it pretty well, especially since Jack's here and I know he hasn't cut either. But my arms are starting to itch despite the medication that was supposed to heal me. Not horribly, just like a feather is tickling my forearm. I can deal with it for now. Every time a particularity bad wave comes along I can just turn my head and see him next to me and everything is relatively okay again. I guess he's my distraction, isn't that what people say you need? Unfortunately I have to go back to school tomorrow meaning two things. One is the obvious one, I have to re-enter the hell hole of an education center and two, I have to go back home. The majority of my stuff is there including my backpack so I can't really avoid it. My mother has tried to contact me a few times since last but I've been ignoring her. I can only imagine the retaliation I will receive when I get back. Jack asked if I wanted him to come with me to make sure I don't do anything but I can really only see that pissing off my parents so I decline. Plus we should probably spend some time apart anyway. For our own good. I guess... Okay yeah no I really don't want to leave Jack but if I'm going to stop I'm going to have to do it with out him there. I need to move on from the thought that someone can come along and kiss my scars and make me all better because that's bullshit. I need to be my own hero, Jack is beyond amazing and I love him but no one can save me but myself. I can save myself and one day I will. However another worry is that after I leave Jack won't have a distraction either. I guess all we can do is Skype and hope for the best because if I could kiss him better I would have already done it.

At around 1pm I decide it's time to go home no mater how much I don't want to. I guess it had to happen eventually. Jack gives me a ride home in his moms car (I don't know why that boy hasn't fixed his car yet) and when we pull into my drive way I don't reach for the door handle. Instead I reach for Jack's cheek, pulling him closer to me until our lips meet. I soak in the sweetness and peace for as long as I can, deepening the kiss and running my tongue across his lip. I pull away with a sigh and whisper goodbye before placing one final kiss to his lips and walking out of the car. I drag my feet to the door of my house before pushing the door open. My mom snaps her head up and looks at me from where she's sitting on the couch. Her mouth drops open and she runs over to me.

“Oh Alex, we've missed you,” she practically screams and throws her arms around my neck. I don't hug back, instead I just stand there and toss my bag next to the door, “Why would you run off like that?”

“I didn't run off I just couldn't function here anymore,” I answer truthfully.

“Why not? I give you everything you need,” my mother questions. Oh god here we go again.

“I come home from the hospital only to be treated like shit, I didn't deserve that,” I scowl.

“And I didn't deserve to have my son try and kill himself but that didn't change anything now did it?” she says, immediately making my mouth drop open.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I gasp, completely baffled that she would even say that.

“No I'm not Alexander why did you think you had the right to do something like that to me and your father.”

“Oh I'm sorry that I wasn't thinking of you when I couldn't think of anything but how much I wanted to die. I'm sorry I don't think of you when it's late at night and I'm alone and I can't breathe because it feels like the whole world is standing on my chest. I'm sorry I don't think of you when I'm crying so hard I can't see and I think to myself that the world is better off without me. I'm so fucking sorry that I don't think of you when the only thought filling my mind is my own blood pouring out of my skin that I don't feel I have the right to inhabit. I'm. So. Fucking. Sorry.” I half-yell, voice getting louder with each word.

“Why don't you think of those who love you? Aren't we important to you?” she yells back.

“My mind is rotten, I don't think anyone loves me!” I scream and storm up the stairs not willing to talk to her anymore. I once again find myself shaking on my bedroom floor, back against my bed and fingers clutching my hair. I hear a pounding on my door, making me jump in my spot.

“Alexander William, we are talking about this whether you like it or not!” comes my mothers shrill voice from the other side of the door.

“Talking about it isn't you yelling at me and telling me I have no right to feel how I do. Leave me alone and fuck you!” I snap back. She apparently leaves after that. I almost didn't want her to. I want to believe my parents care enough that they won't leave me on my own when I have such a self-destructive nature and I'm upset. But no, they don't care.

I pull my knees to my chest and rock back and forth, fighting with myself in my head. Cut or don't. I need to save myself. Don't cut don't cut don't cut. I can do this. I'm shaking now harder than ever and clawing at my forearms. I want to so bad but I know if I can get though this I can make it though anything. I need a distraction right now but I'm too scared to move. I pull my hand out from between my chest and legs and reach for where I threw it on my comforter behind me. I blink to clear my eyes and manage to press Jacks name in my contacts. The phone rings a total of three times before his beautiful voice makes its way to my ear.

“Hey beautiful,” he says in a sweet tone but I can here a little pain behind it.

“H-hey, how are you?” I say trying to sound normal.

“I'm okay, are you okay?” he says sounding concerned.

“Uh um, I will be,” I respond.

“I want to know how you are right now,” he pushes.

“Well um no, I'm not really okay. My mind hurts and I want to but I don't want to and I'm really confused and I feel like if I move I'll fall into pieces and I don't know how to make it stop. I just want this to stop,” I rush it all out.

“Your going to be okay I promise, you don't need to cut to feel better, you're stronger than that okay? Do you want me to come over?” he questions.

“I want to save myself, I want to be my own hero. But I want you too.” I struggle to make a decision.

“You can save yourself and you are. You need to remember that your the one who picks your self off the bedroom floor and cleans yourself off and your the one who keeps going on no matter how pointless it seems to you. You already are your own hero and I can still help. I want to help.”

“Come over,” my voice breaks on the end, “just walk in, ignore my mom.”

I hang up after that, tuck my knees back under my chin and try to breathe. Time seems to pass in a different manner than usual. I can't really pinpoint if its faster or slower but soon enough I feel warm arms wrap around my body and lift me on to my bed.

“Your okay, it'll be okay,” Jack whispers into my ear and pulls me closer to him. I clutch onto his shirt and gasp into it. My head is light from the lack of oxygen and I think I might pass out if I don't breathe again soon.

“You need to breathe baby, please breath for me okay?” Jack speaks sweetly and strokes my hair. I try to do as he says but it feels like my chest is being compressed. I close my eyes and focus only on Jack. The feeling of his body around me. The warmth radiating from his chest and the scent coming off of his shirt that I can only describe as the smell of Jack. It gets a little better but the simple act of breathing is still a challenge.

“I cant,” I manage to choke out.

“I know you can, your going to be okay I promise you, just breathe,” he stays calm for me. I think of nothing but air. In out In out. My lungs slowly but surely manage to function once again. I still can't breathe normally but as soon as I don't feel like an elephant is standing on my chest I move body from its coiled up position against Jack and throw my arms around him. I melt into his body and begin to sob. It may not really seem like an improvement but its definitely better than I was a minute ago. He shushes me softly and rubs small circles into my back.

“We're gonna be okay,” he mutters and I know he's right. We're going to be okay.

Notes

I am so sorry it's been forever since the last update but i don't really have an excuse, i have just had absolutely no motivation to do anything but sit around and be a thumb all day. I am so sorry, i promise i will try and do better.