Lately I've been less and less sure if that's really a promise I can keep. My mind is constantly spinning with thoughts of killing myself. It's like I can't even go a whole day with out thinking of how I would go about it and what would happen if I did. I still hold on to the fact that, no I won't actually do it, but none the less the thoughts still happen. I'm determined to hang on, to make sure that I'm here to love Jack and have him love me back, and I'll be here to see new music come out, and My Chemical Romance's comeback tour (which will so happen) so I'm waiting, just waiting for the day when every thing gets better. Things have to get better.

Jack helps, a lot. Whenever I'm with him the thoughts almost disappear, I can function again, and I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I love him. Its been a week now since he got released, so that would be our 4 month-one-week anniversary, not that I'm counting or anything. But that still seems so early too me, so I won't say it out loud yet. He makes me happy, I can't stand the thought of life without him and I'd definitely do anything just to see him happy, but could that just be lust? My mind is racing, I have other things to worry about. Finals, Christmas, not killing myself, you know, normal teenager things.

Jack and I have agreed to spend December 23rd together and go ice skate and out to eat before exchanging presents since we each have to go to family things Christmas eve and Christmas day. I've already gotten him his present, a Green Day box set with all of the albums from 1990-2009 and a guitar pick necklace that has our initials separated by heart stamped on the front. It's cheesy and it's dumb, but so are we. I also plan to completely finish a song I started writing for him on our first date and sing it when we come back to my house for presents. I want this to be the cheesy-est Christmas either of us have ever had because what can I say, I'm a sap.

**

It's 3rd hour, History, and Jack is not in this class with me. Zack is but he sits on the other side of the room and he's not who I want right now, I want Jack. I have been having a completely shit day. We have block scheduling this week because of finals and thanks to my luck neither 4th or 7th hour (the two I have with Jack) are happening today. I don't know exactly why it's been a particularly horrible day, but it has. I woke up late and had to throw on sweat pants and a beanie before running out the door still in the Blink crew neck I wore to bed, so I look like shit and that's not helping my self image. I just took a history final worth 10% of my grade that I'm pretty sure I failed and I can't help but think that I must have the worst grade in the class. My breath feels like its being choked down and my eyes are stinging, I gasp quietly trying not to make it obvious to everyone in the room that I'm such a fuck up, but now my clenched fists are shaking and I can feel a sob trying to push its way out of my throat. I reach my hand up to one of the pieces of hair coming out of my beanie and twist and pull trying hard not to cry. I practically jump out of my chair when the bell rings, successfully making the whole class look at me like I'm crazy, and run out of the room. I feel Zack's concerned eyes on the back of my head, but I ignore it and run down the hall to the least-used bathroom in the school. I check the stalls to make sure no one is in there and quickly shut myself in one before letting the sob leave my throat. Soon my face is streamed with tears and I thank the stars that this period is lunch, because I don't think I'm going to be leaving anytime soon. That's when it hits me that Jack is in lunch right now too, so I rip my phone out my pocket and hit his contact. I hold the phone up to on of my ringing ears and wait for him to pick up.

After what seems like ages he does, “Hey Lex, where are ya?”

“History hall b-bathroom, I-I need you,” I know Jack knows what bathroom this is because this is the one we always make out in during lunch because no one uses it, I even gave him a blow job in here once.

“What's wrong?” he asks and I can tell by the lack of background noise that he's on his way.

“Just my fucked up mind, ya know the usual,” I laugh sadly, suddenly feeling bad that I'm making him come because he has his own problems, he shouldn't have to be bothered with mine, “You know what, I cry too much, you don't have to come.”

“Shut up, I can tell you're upset and as your boyfriend I'm not going to let that be the case,” Jack says proudly and I smile just a little bit.

I hear someone walk in and can tell by the torn up black converse that it's Jack. I walk out of the stall I'm in and he walks towards me. His arms are open and I fall into them. Jack pushes my fringe off of my wet cheeks and rubs his palm up and down my back, “Whats wrong.”

“It's dumb,” I answer

“Not if its making you cry,” he says sweetly and continues to rub my back.

“I woke up late and I look like shit and I haven't seen you since I picked you up and that was for like ten minutes and I'm pretty sure I failed my history final and that’s ten percent of my grade, so I'll probably fail the class and then I won't graduate and for fucks sake I'm in IB history I should be good at this!,” I speak quickly and jumbled, “I want to die, Jack,” my voice becomes quiet for the last sentence.

“I'm here now,” Jack coos, “You look beautiful, I'm sure you did fine and IB is hard, you'll still graduate and I'll always be here Alex. Always.”

“I want to die,” I repeat.

“I know baby, I know, but you have so much to live for.”

I nod my head because he's right, I do, “I know and I don't really want to because then I could never see you again or listen to new music, or make my own.”

“I couldn't live if you were dead.”

“I promised,” I remind him, “I still promise.

Jack nods his head and guides me to sit so that his back is against the wall and I'm in his lap. He strokes my back a few times until my breath evens. We still have 15 minutes until lunch is over, so we sit there in silence, letting my face go back to its normal color, and Jacks shirt dry. I want to say it, I want to say it so bad, I want scream it into the sky “Jack Barakat, I love you” because now I'm sure, now I'm positive and I never want this feeling to end. I love Jack Barakat

Notes

I'm sorry

Debate is over for the semester so i should be updating at least every weekend until after new years. So yeah look forward to that

As always, I love you guys so much. Also, I just saw i have 65 subscribers! That's awesome thank you guys! Don't forget to comment :D