I had had a horrible dream about bingeing on cake and pizza. It was the first time since high-school that I had had such a dream. I felt sick. I guess the whole thing with Alex had brought the memories back. But not only the memories of bingeing/purging and starving now flooded my mind, I also had to think of my scars. They were not physical, but mental scars, the most horrible memories at all, that had driven me to think I was fat even though I had been critically underweight.

I had a sudden flashback to when I was 10 years old. My dad looked at me in disgust, anger on his face. He smelled of cheap alcohol and cigarettes. “You are a fucking di-disgrace to this f-family. You stupid fucking piece of s-scum. You deserve to die. Faggots should not live…“ He raised his fists and went at me. I tried to escape, wriggling out of his grip, but he beat me until I was unconscious. All while my mum stood next to him, scared out of her wits, occasionally sobbing.

I tried to escape the flashback, but flashbacks are a tricky thing, once they start it is difficult to get out of the vicious circle. I really tried, balling my fists, everything, but it just didn’t work. Another scene.

I was 12 now and already deep into all this shit. I skipped meals, trying to eat as little as possible. I exercised at night in my room to the point where I would pass out. Occasionally, I couldn’t take it anymore and binged. But I got rid of the food right afterwards, purging until my throat was raw. I was already a wreck, but my father kept abusing me. There were several times when I woke up in the morning, no memory of the evening before, only a bruised body, each bruise telling a story. Back then, I thought that I didn’t deserve food, because I believed my father and all the insults he was constantly giving me. My mum couldn’t do anything, if she spoke up, he raped her and told her that if ever word got out, he would kill us all. I used to think that maybe death was better than this hell but I loved my mum too much to say anything.

Suddenly I felt someone lightly touching my face. I tore my eyes open, panic overwhelming me. I was ready to punch whoever touched me, but I saw that it was only Alex and calmed down a bit. Alex cupped my face, saying something but I couldn’t hear it. He lightly pinched me and my hearing started coming back. “Jack. Jay. My little sunflower. Hey. What is wrong? Can you hear me?” He sounded worried. Shit, had I said anything during my flashbacks?

“A-alex.” This was the only thing I managed to get out before I broke down sobbing. “Jay, what is it? You can tell me, you know? I love you”, Alex whispered into my hair while he was holding me tight. The tears were threatening to suffocate me. “Don’t worry my little sunflower. Tell me. We can make it together.” He hugged me a little tighter, waiting for an answer. When I didn’t say anything, he started quietly humming a lullaby, a traditional Jewish one that I had taught him. My mum had always sung it to me when I was still little, and it was one thing he knew for sure would help me.

Notes

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