I was so happy for Alex. I mean, he’s having such a hard time everywhere else and getting these guitar picks made him almost cry with joy. That reminded me, I also needed a birthday present for him. I had only 2 weeks left. But what was I going to give to him that was special and made him happy?

I thought back to our first few days together, when we first met. Already at this point, I had been fascinated by this boy. And so I had written little letters to him every day, but I had always been too shy to give them to him. Maybe I could find them and give them to him? As far as I knew, I had kept them in my room back in Baltimore all this time. After we were finished here, there were no other tour dates because Alex wanted to spend his birthday in Baltimore so I figured I could make it work and surprise him. I just hoped he wouldn’t think I was a weirdo.

After the boys had given us some clothes which they had been clever enough to bring along, Alex told me he was hungry. He suggested a pizza, which I thought would be really nice so we ordered 2 big ones.

But there was a problem. I was not planning on really eating mine. The events of the day before had triggered me badly, and I kept having flashbacks of the time with my dad. I wanted to eat it and then sneak out of the hotel and find a public toilet to purge. Sure, I felt guilty, but I needed to stop the flashbacks and feel better again and this was the best way to get to my goal.

When the pizza arrived, I was nervous. I had been clean for 6 years now, but I just couldn’t take it any longer. I felt horribly fat but I didn’t know where these thoughts had come from. I Still, I ate it and tried to act normal. Alex stuffed his face, I was glad he had appetite.

After we had finished eating, all I wanted to do was leave and get rid of all the horrible food inside me. But Alex insisted on cuddling. Breathing became increasingly harder as my anxiety slowly developed into something bigger. Alex asked me if I was alright. I said yes, but he didn’t believe me.

“Jay, I know the symptoms of anxiety better than I’d prefer. You are about to have a panic attack. Why? Please tell me!” This pushed me over the edge. I tried to wrestle out of Alex’s hug but he was surprisingly strong and didn’t let go of me. After some minutes I gave up. He stroked my face and gently wiped away some tears. I hadn’t noticed I was crying but my face was wet.
“I need to go. Please let me.” I tried to say it calmly but my voice was trembling. When Alex didn’t reply but only kept hugging me, I freaked out. “WILL YOU LET GO OF ME NOW I NEED TO GO” I was practically screaming now but Alex still had me in his arms. He didn’t even flinch. But I was determined to get out of his vice-like grip so I started to wriggle again.

Flashback. My father held me just like Alex did at the moment, but my father beat me.
I came back to reality, panting. Alex released me a tiny bit but I didn’t move. I was on the absolute edge, balancing on a knife. One wrong word and I was going to have another panic attack. But Alex knew what to do. He kept stroking my hair and started singing the lullaby. I started crying really hard, my whole body shaking.

After some minutes of weeping, the fear got a tad bit smaller. “Alex. I am… I… I… I’m so sorry…” – “What is it, my baby dandelion?” – “I… need to purge. The pizza… I’m disgusting. And fat.” – “No, Jay, what are you saying? You are the perfect size! Please stay with me!”

I could feel the anxiety rising again. Panic even. “I NEED TO GO. I NEED TO GET RID OF THIS”, I was back to screaming now, “ALEX, LET GO AND FUCKING CUT YOURSELF.” The second the words were out of my mouth I regretted them. Alex’ eyes turned ice cold and he let go of me.

Notes

IK IT IS AWEFUL I KNOW PLEASE DON'T HATE ME I DON'T HANDLE HATE TOO WELL

SORRY

I WILL FIX IT I PROMISE

-Laura