Alex was sitting beside me on the bed, a beer resting in his palm as he stared up at my poster-covered ceiling. At the opposite end of the house, I could hear the faint sounds of video games and button mashing, which meant Dustin was still awake and he probably wouldn't go to bed while Alex was locked in my bedroom with me. Sometimes I felt really bad for that boy, but he knew where he stood in my life and frankly we had an agreement that he'd help pay the bills and I'd let him stay here. I let him sleep in my room so I wouldn't feel so alone, though he had been given the spare bedroom to make his own. Most people would think this was an awkward arrangement. And I admit, sometimes it was. However, on the days where we could both get past the 'ex' feeling, we were really close friends. We'd always been better friends.


A soft sigh fell from my mouth as I considered my options. Alex seems to have really changed this time, but I fear that I have, too. There was a burning in my gut that told me to wait for Jer, because he would come back and he'd find me like he promised, but my heart told me he'd find his girlfriend before he looked for me. It was a sick, sad truth. Too bad I couldn't chose who to love.


"Jess? We haven't spoken in like, an hour. This is killing me. You have to decide on something."


"Why did you come back again? Honestly?"


Alex sighed, sitting up in the bed so he could place his beer on the shevles of my head board. He was probably getting sick of me asking that question. It's just, he did this so much I didn't know what to believe anymore. I was a back-up plan.


"Because I want to be with you. Look, I know you're all lost in your feelings over this other guy and I get it, but that doesn't mean you can't at least let me in as a friend."


"You don't deserve to be my rebound, Alex. I want to get over him on my own terms, I don't want to use you for my mending."


"You won't be. We don't have to be together. I'll wait for you, as long as it takes, Jess. I'll wait."


I don't know why his words struck me so deep, but they did. I could feel myself melting away. Everything just vanished, everything but the bit of hope I had that Jer would come back. Wanting that to go away, too, I crawled across the bed and straddled Alex. He rose an eyebrow as his hands slid to my hips. My emotions got the best of me and I pressed my lips roughly against his own.


Alex and I had done a lot together before, but never this. Actually, Dustin was the only person I'd ever done this with before. His hands were sliding up my shirt and my fingers were unbuttoning his jeans. We were grunting, panting, hungry to taste each other after four years of going back and forth.


"Do you have a.. ?"


"Yeah," I murmured, reaching around him to dig around in my head board. My fingers came back clinging to a condom. Did I really wnat to do this? Yes, I did. I was going to forget Jer once and for all. "Here."


That was the first time Alex and I ever made love. The sun was rising in the sky by the time we collapsed on the bed, breathless. Part of me was happy, part of me was lost. I needed my friends to get me through this.


Drifting into a restless sleep, I knew I'd go out drinking tonight to foreget everyone and everything.

Notes

I suck. I'm sorry. D: