Whatever you want
Wake me up when september ends
I wondered where I was for the longest time. I never wanted to be stuck her...I wanted to be gone.I don't wanna be here. I left so it would be easier for everyone. They say they like kids but all foster parents do it for one of two reasons. One being they do it for a "slave" and the money. Or you do it because you feel bad for the kids who don't have parents... which is almost worse. I don't need your fucking sympathy. If I did I would ask for it. I don't need hand me outs either. I tried so hard to be a good kid for Norm and Amy but I couldn't keep it up.
They bought me a car, Give me money, Tried to be real parents...It was just I wasn't their child. I felt like I took anothers place. I hated that feeling. Amy and Norm were amazing people. I wish they were my real parents but they weren't and mine died and didn't talk to me. I wish I could tell my father I hated him. I needed him and he was never there. I loved him and only thought the world of him. He helped me become musically involved. I loved him for that but thats it. I have no sympathy for someone who could leave their family like that only to start a new one.
I hated my mother. She was an amazing mom to me but when my dad left it seemed like she had no one to do it for. I was an accident. I was never meant to be. They were too young, It wasn't the right time. She wasn't ready. They loved me at first but as time went on I became too much, And that was me being a good kid. My mother hit me once. We stood in the kitchen. I was tired of her yelling at me telling me it was all my fault he left. "Why do you have to be such a Fucked up problem?!" She yelled at me. I turned in the door way. "Maybe I'll just runaway? Oh wait if I left it wouldn't matter! He will never come back...At least not for you!" I shouted at her. Her mouth fell agape and her hand reached out and smacked the shit out of my face. I turned back to look at her.
I ran down the hallway to my room. I closed my door and turned on my music. I laid on my bed. I heard a tap on my window. I expected it to be Zack. I walked over. "Beau?" I opened the window. My room was on the first floor. He stepped in. "Just wanting to hang out." "Sure...I got nothing better to do." I told him. We sat and played a video game. He looked at me and stood up and turned off the T.V. You know what happened from there...
I was left on earth here to remember this? I don't even want to be here. I want to be anywhere else. I would even go to hell that would be a lot better than, the hell I live. I kept hearing voices. I knew them but couldn't put my finger on the voice's face. I laid there in silence mostly. I wished I could just pass. It didn't seem like that was gonna happen. Every time I thought it might actually happen this time a beeping sound would go off and my me shudder and cover my ears. It wouldn't let me fall asleep.
As time has gone on I've become more and more awake. I just didn't wanna be stuck in the blinding darkness anymore. I didn't care what happened anymore I just wanted to get out of here.
I wanted to wake up...I hadn't been asleep though? Was I? I realized I've been asleep this whole time. It was all a dream? Really? It felt so real. I tried to open my eyes. I couldn't. I tired harder and harder each time. I could feel my eyes moving. I pleaded for the gift of sight. I wanna see. I was able to open my eyes. They shot open and my eyes were blinded by the light. They fluttered open and shut for a minute getting easier to open. I looked around noticing I was in the hospital. How did I get here?
I couldn't swallow I had a tube in my throat. I tried to move my fingers. At first it was difficult but I eventually got them to do what I want. I moved them followed by my wrist. I reached over for the remote and pushed the call button. Immediately a nurse ran in and was shocked by what she saw.
"Alright stay still I have to get this out." She made me tilt my head back and she removed the tube. "It was a feeding tube..." She said. I nodded. "Your friends just left...." I nodded. She smiled and turned away and left the room. I laid by myself knew what happened but I wish it hadn't turned out this way. I moved my hands to my face. Frantically rubbing the tears out of my eyes.
"I feel so stupid..." I said to myself. "I hurt people I love...I wanna get better but I don't want help." I rolled over looking out the window. I had my arms crossed while laying on my left side. "Ms. Peralta?" I rolled over. "Yeah..." "We were able to save you but were have to suggest you go to therapy..." "Sir with all due respect I thank you for the thought but I'm not a therapy kind of person..." "Alright but if you change your mind here's the office number." He walked over and put the card down on the table at the bottom of my bed. He smiled and I returned it. He got to the door way. "Your friends will be back...they've been here everyday." "How long have I been in here?" I asked. "Three days." He said and left.
I looked at the clock on the wall and it showed 3:50 pm. School ends around 3:30. I got up and sat up on the side of the bed. I got a little light headed and had to hold myself up. I slowly got off the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I looked horrible. My eyes were circled in dark rings. I was extremely pale and I felt skinnier. It felt like I wasn't in the right body. I walked out of the bathroom. I saw a bag in the corner. I made my way over and opened it. I grabbed the shirt and laid it on the bed followed by some jogging pants in there with some panties.
I started to untie my gown. I got it off and slipped on the panties. I followed it by the shirt. I sat on the bed. I put one leg in the pants followed by the other and stood up again. I walked over and leaned against the wall over by the door. I slid down. I had my knees pulled up to my chest and my head in my hands. I sat there thinking about what to do next. My life was a mess. The doctor walked in. I stood up using the wall to hold me up. "Can I go home?" I asked. I startled him and he turned around. "We just have to get someone to sign your discharge papers." "Why can't I do it?" "Your not old enough." I just nodded. As he was leaving. "What day is it?" "Wednesday." "So I turned 18 yesterday." He nodded. "I'll get your papers." He left and I sat on the floor again but first turning off the lights so the only light in here was coming from the window.
I heard someone walk in and I never lifted up my head. "Ms." "Hmm." "You can leave now." I stood up and walked over to the bag and picked up any stuff I thought was mine. I followed the woman out of my room and down the hallway. I made it to the entrance. I walked out and looked around. I pulled the bag up more on my shoulder and walked my way down the side walk. I believe in a thing called love started to play in the bag. I knew it was Zack but I wasn't ready to answer that call or those questions yet.
I got around the corner of my street and saw a moving truck outside my house. My heart dropped and so did my knees. I sat there for a minute until I heard Amy call my name and wave. I got up and ran. I ran and ran till I was in the park in between Zack and my house, in the woods. I walked over to the fence and sat against it. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run away. I wanted to stand on a cliff and jump off. I knew I couldn't I ddin't wanna hurt the one person I cared to much to hurt. Zack. "Paige? Are you out here?" He head shot up. I made eye contact with Zack. "I'm so sorry."
They bought me a car, Give me money, Tried to be real parents...It was just I wasn't their child. I felt like I took anothers place. I hated that feeling. Amy and Norm were amazing people. I wish they were my real parents but they weren't and mine died and didn't talk to me. I wish I could tell my father I hated him. I needed him and he was never there. I loved him and only thought the world of him. He helped me become musically involved. I loved him for that but thats it. I have no sympathy for someone who could leave their family like that only to start a new one.
I hated my mother. She was an amazing mom to me but when my dad left it seemed like she had no one to do it for. I was an accident. I was never meant to be. They were too young, It wasn't the right time. She wasn't ready. They loved me at first but as time went on I became too much, And that was me being a good kid. My mother hit me once. We stood in the kitchen. I was tired of her yelling at me telling me it was all my fault he left. "Why do you have to be such a Fucked up problem?!" She yelled at me. I turned in the door way. "Maybe I'll just runaway? Oh wait if I left it wouldn't matter! He will never come back...At least not for you!" I shouted at her. Her mouth fell agape and her hand reached out and smacked the shit out of my face. I turned back to look at her.
I ran down the hallway to my room. I closed my door and turned on my music. I laid on my bed. I heard a tap on my window. I expected it to be Zack. I walked over. "Beau?" I opened the window. My room was on the first floor. He stepped in. "Just wanting to hang out." "Sure...I got nothing better to do." I told him. We sat and played a video game. He looked at me and stood up and turned off the T.V. You know what happened from there...
I was left on earth here to remember this? I don't even want to be here. I want to be anywhere else. I would even go to hell that would be a lot better than, the hell I live. I kept hearing voices. I knew them but couldn't put my finger on the voice's face. I laid there in silence mostly. I wished I could just pass. It didn't seem like that was gonna happen. Every time I thought it might actually happen this time a beeping sound would go off and my me shudder and cover my ears. It wouldn't let me fall asleep.
As time has gone on I've become more and more awake. I just didn't wanna be stuck in the blinding darkness anymore. I didn't care what happened anymore I just wanted to get out of here.
I wanted to wake up...I hadn't been asleep though? Was I? I realized I've been asleep this whole time. It was all a dream? Really? It felt so real. I tried to open my eyes. I couldn't. I tired harder and harder each time. I could feel my eyes moving. I pleaded for the gift of sight. I wanna see. I was able to open my eyes. They shot open and my eyes were blinded by the light. They fluttered open and shut for a minute getting easier to open. I looked around noticing I was in the hospital. How did I get here?
I couldn't swallow I had a tube in my throat. I tried to move my fingers. At first it was difficult but I eventually got them to do what I want. I moved them followed by my wrist. I reached over for the remote and pushed the call button. Immediately a nurse ran in and was shocked by what she saw.
"Alright stay still I have to get this out." She made me tilt my head back and she removed the tube. "It was a feeding tube..." She said. I nodded. "Your friends just left...." I nodded. She smiled and turned away and left the room. I laid by myself knew what happened but I wish it hadn't turned out this way. I moved my hands to my face. Frantically rubbing the tears out of my eyes.
"I feel so stupid..." I said to myself. "I hurt people I love...I wanna get better but I don't want help." I rolled over looking out the window. I had my arms crossed while laying on my left side. "Ms. Peralta?" I rolled over. "Yeah..." "We were able to save you but were have to suggest you go to therapy..." "Sir with all due respect I thank you for the thought but I'm not a therapy kind of person..." "Alright but if you change your mind here's the office number." He walked over and put the card down on the table at the bottom of my bed. He smiled and I returned it. He got to the door way. "Your friends will be back...they've been here everyday." "How long have I been in here?" I asked. "Three days." He said and left.
I looked at the clock on the wall and it showed 3:50 pm. School ends around 3:30. I got up and sat up on the side of the bed. I got a little light headed and had to hold myself up. I slowly got off the bed and made my way to the bathroom. I looked horrible. My eyes were circled in dark rings. I was extremely pale and I felt skinnier. It felt like I wasn't in the right body. I walked out of the bathroom. I saw a bag in the corner. I made my way over and opened it. I grabbed the shirt and laid it on the bed followed by some jogging pants in there with some panties.
I started to untie my gown. I got it off and slipped on the panties. I followed it by the shirt. I sat on the bed. I put one leg in the pants followed by the other and stood up again. I walked over and leaned against the wall over by the door. I slid down. I had my knees pulled up to my chest and my head in my hands. I sat there thinking about what to do next. My life was a mess. The doctor walked in. I stood up using the wall to hold me up. "Can I go home?" I asked. I startled him and he turned around. "We just have to get someone to sign your discharge papers." "Why can't I do it?" "Your not old enough." I just nodded. As he was leaving. "What day is it?" "Wednesday." "So I turned 18 yesterday." He nodded. "I'll get your papers." He left and I sat on the floor again but first turning off the lights so the only light in here was coming from the window.
I heard someone walk in and I never lifted up my head. "Ms." "Hmm." "You can leave now." I stood up and walked over to the bag and picked up any stuff I thought was mine. I followed the woman out of my room and down the hallway. I made it to the entrance. I walked out and looked around. I pulled the bag up more on my shoulder and walked my way down the side walk. I believe in a thing called love started to play in the bag. I knew it was Zack but I wasn't ready to answer that call or those questions yet.
I got around the corner of my street and saw a moving truck outside my house. My heart dropped and so did my knees. I sat there for a minute until I heard Amy call my name and wave. I got up and ran. I ran and ran till I was in the park in between Zack and my house, in the woods. I walked over to the fence and sat against it. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run away. I wanted to stand on a cliff and jump off. I knew I couldn't I ddin't wanna hurt the one person I cared to much to hurt. Zack. "Paige? Are you out here?" He head shot up. I made eye contact with Zack. "I'm so sorry."
9/1/13