Whatever you want
I'm not ok...
"Why a razor?" Alex asked while sitting up. "Because at one point in my life it was the only thing keeping me sane but it also brought me the most pain. I guess it's just a reminder that the things you love can hurt you..." I said also sitting up. "So you used to cut?" Jack asked. I turned to him. Only seeing the outline of his body. We were in the dark. "Yeah..." "Why?" Alex asked grabbing onto my wrist. "Because my dad left my mom and I and he didn't take me with him." I took a breath trying to steady my heart rate, I pulled up my hand and held it on my chest. I could feel tears starting to surface.
"Then after he left my mom started drinking...she went crazy. Then about two years after he left some time after my 15th birthday she killed herself-" I started to breathe holding back tears. I felt Jack sit up. I knew he was gonna hug me but I didn't want him to. I stood up off the bed and pushed myself against the wall across from the bed. "I was so vulnerable and felt so terrible...l-like if I hadn't have been b-born they wouldn't have split up... I was an accident." I looked up at them tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. "I know I was he told me, she told me... She told me it was all my fault they broke up." I pulled my knees up to my chest.
"When she died I didn't wanna be alone...and my dad didn't want me so I fell for Beau..." I put my head in between my hands. I started to pull at my hair, clenching my teeth. "He made me believe horrible things about myself. He used to cut me and hit me... and other things..." I said. I stood up fast and walked towards the door. "Where you go-" Was all Alex got out before I took off down his steps. I was still crying. I slipped on my shoes. and pulled on Jack's Blink hoodie. I walked over to the door when Alex and Jack made it down the steps. I swung the door open.
"Where are you going?" they chased after me. "I have to go do something-" "At 4 in the morning?!" Jack asked. I stopped at my car and turned and looked at them. "Actually yes. I don't wanna remember all the bad things he did to me, or my mother, and even my dad. Part of me thinks..." I trailed off trying to keep my tears from falling. "Part of me knows it's my fault...but on the other hand I've been put through so much shit it's not fair." Alex took a step. "You don't have to do this by yourself, Paige." I gripped at my hair again. "I just...I'm just tired of being weak! I wanna be able to show my scars and say I was able to over come what you've started, but I'll never get that chance. I want them to question why they ever hurt me...why they would do this to me..." I fell on the ground on my knees. "I'm just tired of being me..." I whispered the last part.
Alex and Jack just stood there. I pushed myself against the car and made my way to the drive side door. "Paige...What are you doing?" Jack asked and I opened the door. I pushed myself in and searched through everything. I was looking everywhere for them. I found what I was looking for...my mother prescription. I opened the bottle and pour them into my mouth, it felt like 14 were in there. Sure enough to kill me. Then I sat there for a minute and took a sip of water. Alex and Jack were still watching me. I pulled out a little box. I stepped out of my car and closed the door.
Everything started to get fuzzy. "Alex, Jack...I got these for you." I said as I tripped over my own feet falling against Jack's chest. "I'm sorry..." "Sorry for what?! What did you do?!" Jack asked. "Jack you smell nice..." I said as Jack held me up. I went limp in his arms. "Paige? Paige!" Jack yelled. He picked me up bridal styled and carried me back to the house. "Zack! Rian!" Alex yelled. "What?" Rian yelled. "Now!" They opened the door and came down the steps. "What did you do to her?!" Zack said. "Nothing Zack...She said she was sorry..." Zack pulled me out of Jack's hands in tilted my head on his shoulder.
"Alex call an ambulance!" Zack said. It took all the strength I had but I pulled up my right hand and laid it on his neck. "Hey...It's ok..." Is all I got out. I felt Zack's knees hit the floor. "Paige your gonna be fine. Alright t-they're g-gonna fix you. You'll b-be fine." I pulled my finger up to my lips. "Shh." I said and smiled at him. He tightened his lips and wiped his eyes with one hand. He was crying. "I'm ok...I love you, Zack..." I closed my eyes. "Paige! Keep your eyes open. I can hear the ambulance. Your gonna be fine alright? I promise..." That was the last thing I heard before complete silence.
"Then after he left my mom started drinking...she went crazy. Then about two years after he left some time after my 15th birthday she killed herself-" I started to breathe holding back tears. I felt Jack sit up. I knew he was gonna hug me but I didn't want him to. I stood up off the bed and pushed myself against the wall across from the bed. "I was so vulnerable and felt so terrible...l-like if I hadn't have been b-born they wouldn't have split up... I was an accident." I looked up at them tears streaming down my face like a waterfall. "I know I was he told me, she told me... She told me it was all my fault they broke up." I pulled my knees up to my chest.
"When she died I didn't wanna be alone...and my dad didn't want me so I fell for Beau..." I put my head in between my hands. I started to pull at my hair, clenching my teeth. "He made me believe horrible things about myself. He used to cut me and hit me... and other things..." I said. I stood up fast and walked towards the door. "Where you go-" Was all Alex got out before I took off down his steps. I was still crying. I slipped on my shoes. and pulled on Jack's Blink hoodie. I walked over to the door when Alex and Jack made it down the steps. I swung the door open.
"Where are you going?" they chased after me. "I have to go do something-" "At 4 in the morning?!" Jack asked. I stopped at my car and turned and looked at them. "Actually yes. I don't wanna remember all the bad things he did to me, or my mother, and even my dad. Part of me thinks..." I trailed off trying to keep my tears from falling. "Part of me knows it's my fault...but on the other hand I've been put through so much shit it's not fair." Alex took a step. "You don't have to do this by yourself, Paige." I gripped at my hair again. "I just...I'm just tired of being weak! I wanna be able to show my scars and say I was able to over come what you've started, but I'll never get that chance. I want them to question why they ever hurt me...why they would do this to me..." I fell on the ground on my knees. "I'm just tired of being me..." I whispered the last part.
Alex and Jack just stood there. I pushed myself against the car and made my way to the drive side door. "Paige...What are you doing?" Jack asked and I opened the door. I pushed myself in and searched through everything. I was looking everywhere for them. I found what I was looking for...my mother prescription. I opened the bottle and pour them into my mouth, it felt like 14 were in there. Sure enough to kill me. Then I sat there for a minute and took a sip of water. Alex and Jack were still watching me. I pulled out a little box. I stepped out of my car and closed the door.
Everything started to get fuzzy. "Alex, Jack...I got these for you." I said as I tripped over my own feet falling against Jack's chest. "I'm sorry..." "Sorry for what?! What did you do?!" Jack asked. "Jack you smell nice..." I said as Jack held me up. I went limp in his arms. "Paige? Paige!" Jack yelled. He picked me up bridal styled and carried me back to the house. "Zack! Rian!" Alex yelled. "What?" Rian yelled. "Now!" They opened the door and came down the steps. "What did you do to her?!" Zack said. "Nothing Zack...She said she was sorry..." Zack pulled me out of Jack's hands in tilted my head on his shoulder.
"Alex call an ambulance!" Zack said. It took all the strength I had but I pulled up my right hand and laid it on his neck. "Hey...It's ok..." Is all I got out. I felt Zack's knees hit the floor. "Paige your gonna be fine. Alright t-they're g-gonna fix you. You'll b-be fine." I pulled my finger up to my lips. "Shh." I said and smiled at him. He tightened his lips and wiped his eyes with one hand. He was crying. "I'm ok...I love you, Zack..." I closed my eyes. "Paige! Keep your eyes open. I can hear the ambulance. Your gonna be fine alright? I promise..." That was the last thing I heard before complete silence.
9/1/13