Call Me Foolish, I Feel Hopeless
We Both Felt So Alive
Alex Gaskarth
My emotions were eating me alive. I couldn't cut because Jack threw out of my razors, and hid away anything sharp. I couldn't leave the cabin without him knowing because he put a damn bell on the door, and if I removed it, it'd just make noise. In every class he stares me down, trying to get inside my mind. Well jokes on him, he's all I think about. One side of me is saying how much I just want to kiss him, while the other side is saying how much he ruined my life by taking away the only thing that helped me cope. I was on my verge to a break down, but how could I even manage to do that if i'm never alone. Jack even has Rian and Zack on babysitting duty. They don't know what about what happened, but only that i'm going through a 'hard' time.
"Alex?" Jack asked softly, sitting next to me in his usual spot in class.
"Stop acting like i'm going to break at any moment." I sneered, just wanting to be alone. Jack's face showed hurt, but hid it quickly.
"Then fucking talk to me." He said, tying to look me in the eyes. I lift my head up, looking at him fully.
"You can't force me to tell you my life Jack. If you wanted to help, you'd just leave me alone." I whispered, standing up from my seat.
"Mr. Gaskarth?" The teacher questioned, seeing that I was about to leave.
"I'm sorry." I choked out, running out of the classroom. Images of my brother's Tom body on the floor came rushing into my mind, making choking on my own sobs as I kept running. I had no idea where I was going, but I just need to get out of here. I couldn't take myself anymore.
"Alex!" Jack's voice yelled out, trying to catch up with me. I tried to run faster, but I tripped over my own feet, tumbling into the ground. Not bothering to get up, I rolled up into the fetal position, sobbing into the grass. "Shh. Alex." Jack caught up to me, scooping me up into his arms. I tried to pull myself together, getting out of Jack's grip. He gave me a shocked look as I wiped my tears, walking away from him casually. I couldn't show him I was weak.
"Alex, you can't walk away from your problems!" He announced behind me. Anger rushed through me. I turned around, facing him.
"Watch me." I growled, walking faster in the direction of the lake. Jack's hand gripped my shoulder. I tried knocking it off, but he kept his grip.
"You're tearing yourself apart! Let someone in. Why is it so hard?" Jack exclaimed, having a death grip on me.
"Because they leave Jack. They all just fucking leave." I whispered, making him tense. I took the chance and started walking to the lake once again. Once I was to the lake, I looked back to see Jack was long gone. It kind of hurt that Jack didn't come again, but what was I suppose to expect? He tried so hard to help me, and I just shook him off. I already hurt the poor boy enough. I sat down on the dock, letting myself get lost in my thoughts.
It must of been hours, because when I looked up at the sky, the moon was out, towering over my head. I couldn't bring myself to go back to the cabin, knowing Jack would be there. I took out my phone, checking the time. How in the hell was it 11 already? I sighed, looking at my contacts. I pressed on my mother's number, calling her.
"Oh Alex! How's camp?" She answered, overly excited.
"I want to go home." I looked down at the water, phone pressed up by my ear.
"I'm sure you don't mean that, things are always hard at first hunny."
"Mom, please." I pleaded, picking myself up from the dock.
"Alex, we paid a lot of money to get you a spot at last minute here. I'm sorry, you have to stay." I hung up, not wanting to hear anymore.
I walked back towards the cabins, taking my time. All I could feel is pain. There was just so much pain. I just needed it to stop. And I knew a way to stop it. When I reached the cabin, the bell dinged, but Jack was no where in sight. I sighed in relief as I raided my drawers. After a few minutes I found a bottle of sleeping pills, making me grin. I went to open the bottle, making myself struggle with the cap. I heard the bell ding on the door, but I didn't care. I kept struggling with the cap.
"NO!" I heard Jack's voice scream, taking the bottle from me. He threw it out the door, and then looking back at me. I felt myself go weak as I fell to the ground, sobbing and throwing punches at the floor.
"H-how could you do that!" I sobbed as I started to hit Jack's back as he held me.
"You are not leaving me." He cried, holding my head with his hand.
"W-why couldn't I j-just die!" I screamed, pounding at his back again. "M-my brother already died because of me!"
"Alex, you need to talk this out. Now." Jack commanded, holding me tightly.
"You'll just leave me Jack!" Crying into his chest.
"I'm not going anywhere Alex. I promise." He hugged me tightly. "I promise Lex."
That's when I broke. I told Jack about my brother committing suicide the morning after we had a fight about his drinking. How I started self harm and couldn't stop since. I would get nightmares of Tom dying over and over, scaring me. The purging when I couldn't stand myself. The goodbyes of my father because I wasn't enough.
"It all hurts Jack." I felt my lip tremble as I looked him in the eyes. "Fix it. Please fix it." I begged, making him tear up.
"I'll try. I'll try." He whispered, clutching onto me. I laid my head onto his chest, letting myself fall asleep. I just needed to escape reality for a little bit.
My emotions were eating me alive. I couldn't cut because Jack threw out of my razors, and hid away anything sharp. I couldn't leave the cabin without him knowing because he put a damn bell on the door, and if I removed it, it'd just make noise. In every class he stares me down, trying to get inside my mind. Well jokes on him, he's all I think about. One side of me is saying how much I just want to kiss him, while the other side is saying how much he ruined my life by taking away the only thing that helped me cope. I was on my verge to a break down, but how could I even manage to do that if i'm never alone. Jack even has Rian and Zack on babysitting duty. They don't know what about what happened, but only that i'm going through a 'hard' time.
"Alex?" Jack asked softly, sitting next to me in his usual spot in class.
"Stop acting like i'm going to break at any moment." I sneered, just wanting to be alone. Jack's face showed hurt, but hid it quickly.
"Then fucking talk to me." He said, tying to look me in the eyes. I lift my head up, looking at him fully.
"You can't force me to tell you my life Jack. If you wanted to help, you'd just leave me alone." I whispered, standing up from my seat.
"Mr. Gaskarth?" The teacher questioned, seeing that I was about to leave.
"I'm sorry." I choked out, running out of the classroom. Images of my brother's Tom body on the floor came rushing into my mind, making choking on my own sobs as I kept running. I had no idea where I was going, but I just need to get out of here. I couldn't take myself anymore.
"Alex!" Jack's voice yelled out, trying to catch up with me. I tried to run faster, but I tripped over my own feet, tumbling into the ground. Not bothering to get up, I rolled up into the fetal position, sobbing into the grass. "Shh. Alex." Jack caught up to me, scooping me up into his arms. I tried to pull myself together, getting out of Jack's grip. He gave me a shocked look as I wiped my tears, walking away from him casually. I couldn't show him I was weak.
"Alex, you can't walk away from your problems!" He announced behind me. Anger rushed through me. I turned around, facing him.
"Watch me." I growled, walking faster in the direction of the lake. Jack's hand gripped my shoulder. I tried knocking it off, but he kept his grip.
"You're tearing yourself apart! Let someone in. Why is it so hard?" Jack exclaimed, having a death grip on me.
"Because they leave Jack. They all just fucking leave." I whispered, making him tense. I took the chance and started walking to the lake once again. Once I was to the lake, I looked back to see Jack was long gone. It kind of hurt that Jack didn't come again, but what was I suppose to expect? He tried so hard to help me, and I just shook him off. I already hurt the poor boy enough. I sat down on the dock, letting myself get lost in my thoughts.
It must of been hours, because when I looked up at the sky, the moon was out, towering over my head. I couldn't bring myself to go back to the cabin, knowing Jack would be there. I took out my phone, checking the time. How in the hell was it 11 already? I sighed, looking at my contacts. I pressed on my mother's number, calling her.
"Oh Alex! How's camp?" She answered, overly excited.
"I want to go home." I looked down at the water, phone pressed up by my ear.
"I'm sure you don't mean that, things are always hard at first hunny."
"Mom, please." I pleaded, picking myself up from the dock.
"Alex, we paid a lot of money to get you a spot at last minute here. I'm sorry, you have to stay." I hung up, not wanting to hear anymore.
I walked back towards the cabins, taking my time. All I could feel is pain. There was just so much pain. I just needed it to stop. And I knew a way to stop it. When I reached the cabin, the bell dinged, but Jack was no where in sight. I sighed in relief as I raided my drawers. After a few minutes I found a bottle of sleeping pills, making me grin. I went to open the bottle, making myself struggle with the cap. I heard the bell ding on the door, but I didn't care. I kept struggling with the cap.
"NO!" I heard Jack's voice scream, taking the bottle from me. He threw it out the door, and then looking back at me. I felt myself go weak as I fell to the ground, sobbing and throwing punches at the floor.
"H-how could you do that!" I sobbed as I started to hit Jack's back as he held me.
"You are not leaving me." He cried, holding my head with his hand.
"W-why couldn't I j-just die!" I screamed, pounding at his back again. "M-my brother already died because of me!"
"Alex, you need to talk this out. Now." Jack commanded, holding me tightly.
"You'll just leave me Jack!" Crying into his chest.
"I'm not going anywhere Alex. I promise." He hugged me tightly. "I promise Lex."
That's when I broke. I told Jack about my brother committing suicide the morning after we had a fight about his drinking. How I started self harm and couldn't stop since. I would get nightmares of Tom dying over and over, scaring me. The purging when I couldn't stand myself. The goodbyes of my father because I wasn't enough.
"It all hurts Jack." I felt my lip tremble as I looked him in the eyes. "Fix it. Please fix it." I begged, making him tear up.
"I'll try. I'll try." He whispered, clutching onto me. I laid my head onto his chest, letting myself fall asleep. I just needed to escape reality for a little bit.
Notes
This hit very close to home. These things didn't happen to me, but the feelings of pain. So this was real emotion.I'd like to thank you guys for the positive feedback. I really appreciate it. xx
8/28/13