Mistakes
Will you still be here for me?
I've been working non stop since the doors opened. It's around 12:25 and I left Craig with the booth. He can handle it. I walked through the crowd. I made it back to where the main stage was, I looked around for my guys. "Paige!" I heard someone yell. I turned around and saw Oli running at me with open arms. I opened mine and as he got closer he yelled. "Catch me!" Then he jumped up. I did that, I caught him.
"To the stage!" I said. I walked him over to the stage and set him down. "I can't believe you carried me that whole way." He said. "I used to work out like all the time, and you knew how strong I was." I said. "I know, I just forget sometimes." I sat on one of the amps, and Oli decided to sit on my lap.
"How has your first day back on Warped Tour been?" I asked. "Amazing! I didn't realize how much I missed all these guys." I wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'm glad your happy." I said. "Me too! I loved doing Warped, getting to see all the bands that my fans like. It's cool to see who their favorites are. Sometimes they're so different from one another."
"How's the booth been going?" He asked. "Great. All the Sempiternal stuff, is going by so fast. I mean you can't blame them. It's an amazing album." He turned to me. "I'm glad you think so." He said and smiled. "Of coarse I do, I know all the words." "Do you know all the words to Death beds?" He asked sitting next to me.
"Oli... No. I will not-" He covered my mouth with his hand. "Please! Please. please. please!" He begged. "I will only be the happiest person ever!" He moved my hand. "If you promise to save me when I have a panic attack then yes." I said with a laugh. He gave me a hug. "God I love you! I'm so excited! I love your voice." He said and hopped up.
I sat there thinking about what I had just gotten myself into. I was shaking, I was worrying myself too much. "Hey are you alright?" Someone asked. I nodded unable to speak. "You don't look ok." They said. "I-It's just b-been a hectic d-day." I said back. They sat down next to me. "I-I'm gonna go on stage. I-I have been on stage before." "Hey, It's alright. And I can see through your mask." I picked my head up to look at him.
"You're worried about something else. You can tell me I'm in no position to judge." He said. "I'm Paige." I said. "I'm Chris." He said back with a smile. "I left the U.S. three years ago, and found Oli and he took me in. I got into somethings that I shouldn't have and started some habits back up, I ran away from the people I love. I left my own wedding..." I trailed off. "Why would you do that if you love him?"
I looked at him. "Cause the guy who was my first love asked me to marry him." "That can't be all bad then." "No. He asked me to marry him at my wedding...to his best friend..." "Oh...Well that's awkward." "Yeah. And both of them are here today and I will be spending the duration of the tour with them." "So they're on tour. Who is it? I wont tell anyone. I promise." "Are you sure?" I asked.
He raised his right hand and crossed his heart. "It was Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat... I dated Alex for three years and feel in love but he cheated on me. Jack was there to help me out of the drinking, cutting and eating problems I had. I ended up falling in love with Jack and he asked me to marry him but as I was walking down the isle Alex stopped and asked me to marry him." I turned and looked at Chris.
"That's when I realized I still love Alex but I love Jack and I couldn't choose. I couldn't break anyone. But I realized when I left that leaving...broke me and I started all the habits that once hurt me and everyone around me." I showed my wrists to Chris. "I've been cut free for a year and a half. I no longer do drugs." I said. He smiled. "That's really awesome." He said. "Thanks." "I had a hard time with stuff like that, not the whole marriage part but the habits..."
"I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to stop." "But you didn't stop did you?" He asked. I started to feel my face get hot. "What are you-" "Your eating disorder... you still have it don't you?" "Yeah... It's just so hard to stop. I don't like to eat..." He gave me a hug. "It will get better Paige. I promise." "Thanks Chris." He pulled away and left passing by Oli and the rest of the guys walking up.
They've been on stage for about 10 minutes and they just finished Crucify me and the music started for Sleep Walking. Oli wrote this song for me and I loved it, it was my favorite on the album besides Join the Club. Wake up! Take my hand and give me a reason to start again. Wake up! Pull me out and give me a reason to start again." I attempted to kill myself 2 years ago and Oli is the one who found me and I asked for a reason to start again, he replied back with 'Because I need you here.'
I changed for him. He helped me so much. I sang along with him, bobbing my head to the music watching the crowd go absolutely crazy. After that they had one more song to do and he spoke into the mic. "Alright. I've got a treat for you guys. I have back stage a good friend of mine and she is gonna sing Deathbeds with me." The crowd was yelling in excitement as I slowly walked out on stage.
All my nervousness left as soon as I took a mic in my hand. He started and I followed. Singing everything the way I thought it was supposed to be and we finished. I smiled and the crowd cheered. "Thank you guys for coming out! You've been an amazing Fucking crowd! Till next time!" Oli yelled into the mic.
We ran off stage. "That went awesome!" Oli said pulling me to dance with him in a circle. "I have to get back to the booth. I'll see y'all later." I said and started to walk away. I got to my booth and started handing things out again. I was getting some kid a shirt when I heard my name. "Paige!" I looked over in the direction and saw Rian running up to me. "Rian!" I yelled back jumping over the table and sprinting off towards him.
We engulfed each other in a hug. "God, I missed your hugs." I said. "God, I just missed you." "I missed you too." We pulled apart. You look so different." "Yeah more tattoos, more piercings, and what have yous. And you?" I asked. "Got new tattoos also, and I'm still dating Cassadee." "That's awesome Ri!" I said and gave him another hug. "So..." He started. "I left to England, I met Oli there and he let me come live with him. And yes I thought about coming back everyday... It just sounded like a worse idea than a good one so I didn't."
"Well whatever you thought whatever. I just missed you." I missed you, too." "I saw you preforming with Oli do you do that a lot?" "No not really, occasionally he will pull me on stage and make me sing but for the most part no." "If I got Alex to do Remembering Sunday would you come sing it with him?" He asked. I didn't know what to say is that how I wanted them to know I was here? I didn't wanna make it seem like I was avoiding him the whole time.
"I'll tell him Cass came to this show and we'll send you on instead. I mean he did write the song for you. Wait have you talked to any of the others yet?" "Just Zack." "Perfect. We'll get Jack to play and Alex to sing and you'll walk out when it's your turn and-" "Don't you think it will be awkward-" "No we'll make it the last song, so you guys can walk off stage and talk or whatever." "If you think it's a good idea I'll do it..." "I think it's perfect. I have to go get ready. Show up like ten before our set ends and Zack and I will tell them what to do. See you then."
Rian gave me a quick hug and left. I walked back over to my booth. I started my job again just letting the minutes pass till I was to be on stage... Can I do this? Is it too much? Would they freak out and leave or worse yell at me? Would they recognize me? Would they be happy to see me? I looked at my phone and saw it was time. I walked away finding Oli as I walked.
"Where you headed?" He asked. "All Time Low set. See what you started making me stand on stage today." I said poking his side. "You did amazing. I love your voice-" "Me too!" I heard someone yell. They ran up. "Your Paige right?" "Yeah." "I'm Vic. Hey Oli." "Sup man. How you been?" "Good, really good actually. I heard you sing with this guy and wondered if you would sing one of my songs with me?" "I don't know the lyrics? What song?"
"It's called Hold on till may." " I actually know it, it's on my phone." "So you'll sing?" "I guess maybe, but I have to be somewhere so I'll talk to you later." I said starting to jog to the stage. I walked back stage slowly, flashing my pass at anyone who needed it. I made it side stage where I saw Zack. "Is this such a good idea? What if they just get up and leave?" I asked while playing with my fingers.
"Your gonna do fine and they won't leave. They love the fans to much to just leave." "Will they recognize me at least?" I asked looking up at Zack. "Paige... you can't just forget someone you love." Then like that the song started and Alex began singing. I looked over seeing Jack play on a stool, and Alex singing into a mic while seated on a stool. I got some tears in my eyes, but quickly wiped them away.
I listened to the beautiful tone carry Alex's voice across the crowd singing along. It got closer to my part and I couldn't control the beating in my chest. It came up and I already had my mic in hand, Zack pushed me out. "I'm not coming back. I've done something so terrible. I'm terrified to speak." I started across the stage. Alex looked up at me and his smile faded but I continued.
"But you'd expect that from me I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind." He smacked Jack's arm and he looked up, he almost missed a couple notes but continued. "Keeping an eye on the world, From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head." Alex pulled his mic from the stand and sang while walking over slowly to me.
"Well I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home." He finished we were inches away from each other. Jack grabbed the guitar and walked off the stage. Alex pushed past me and walked off the stage and I followed back the way I came and got to Zack. "I told you they would wanna talk to me, see me, or even think about me! I should have just stayed gone!" I yelled while Zack held my wrists so I couldn't run away.
"Is that what you think? It was better for you to stay gone?" Alex said. "We've waited for you to come back, so long." Jack added. I stopped trying to struggle out of Zack's grip and he let go and I turned around. "Yeah." Was all I replied back with, I stared at my feet. "You l-look d-different." Jack broke out. I looked up at both of them with tears in my eyes. "S-s do you g-guys." I said back.
I ran over giving both a hug at the same time. "I-I Missed y-you guys s-so much." I said, while my breathing was uneven. "I missed you." I heard Alex say into my shoulder. "Please don't leave again." Jack said into my hair on my left side. "I promise, tell me you'll still be here for me." I said back. "Paige! You did amazing!" I heard Oli say. I let go of the boys and Oli engulfed me into a hug, where he picked me up.
"I'm about to go to the signing. Wanna come?" Oli asked. "Umm... Sure." I said back wiping my eyes. He grabbed my hand and pulled me away. Alex and Jack had a weird look on their faces. I just smiled and waved and left to go to the designated signing area. This is getting harder and harder... and it's only the first day...
"To the stage!" I said. I walked him over to the stage and set him down. "I can't believe you carried me that whole way." He said. "I used to work out like all the time, and you knew how strong I was." I said. "I know, I just forget sometimes." I sat on one of the amps, and Oli decided to sit on my lap.
"How has your first day back on Warped Tour been?" I asked. "Amazing! I didn't realize how much I missed all these guys." I wrapped my arms around his waist. "I'm glad your happy." I said. "Me too! I loved doing Warped, getting to see all the bands that my fans like. It's cool to see who their favorites are. Sometimes they're so different from one another."
"How's the booth been going?" He asked. "Great. All the Sempiternal stuff, is going by so fast. I mean you can't blame them. It's an amazing album." He turned to me. "I'm glad you think so." He said and smiled. "Of coarse I do, I know all the words." "Do you know all the words to Death beds?" He asked sitting next to me.
"Oli... No. I will not-" He covered my mouth with his hand. "Please! Please. please. please!" He begged. "I will only be the happiest person ever!" He moved my hand. "If you promise to save me when I have a panic attack then yes." I said with a laugh. He gave me a hug. "God I love you! I'm so excited! I love your voice." He said and hopped up.
I sat there thinking about what I had just gotten myself into. I was shaking, I was worrying myself too much. "Hey are you alright?" Someone asked. I nodded unable to speak. "You don't look ok." They said. "I-It's just b-been a hectic d-day." I said back. They sat down next to me. "I-I'm gonna go on stage. I-I have been on stage before." "Hey, It's alright. And I can see through your mask." I picked my head up to look at him.
"You're worried about something else. You can tell me I'm in no position to judge." He said. "I'm Paige." I said. "I'm Chris." He said back with a smile. "I left the U.S. three years ago, and found Oli and he took me in. I got into somethings that I shouldn't have and started some habits back up, I ran away from the people I love. I left my own wedding..." I trailed off. "Why would you do that if you love him?"
I looked at him. "Cause the guy who was my first love asked me to marry him." "That can't be all bad then." "No. He asked me to marry him at my wedding...to his best friend..." "Oh...Well that's awkward." "Yeah. And both of them are here today and I will be spending the duration of the tour with them." "So they're on tour. Who is it? I wont tell anyone. I promise." "Are you sure?" I asked.
He raised his right hand and crossed his heart. "It was Alex Gaskarth and Jack Barakat... I dated Alex for three years and feel in love but he cheated on me. Jack was there to help me out of the drinking, cutting and eating problems I had. I ended up falling in love with Jack and he asked me to marry him but as I was walking down the isle Alex stopped and asked me to marry him." I turned and looked at Chris.
"That's when I realized I still love Alex but I love Jack and I couldn't choose. I couldn't break anyone. But I realized when I left that leaving...broke me and I started all the habits that once hurt me and everyone around me." I showed my wrists to Chris. "I've been cut free for a year and a half. I no longer do drugs." I said. He smiled. "That's really awesome." He said. "Thanks." "I had a hard time with stuff like that, not the whole marriage part but the habits..."
"I'm sorry. I know how hard it is to stop." "But you didn't stop did you?" He asked. I started to feel my face get hot. "What are you-" "Your eating disorder... you still have it don't you?" "Yeah... It's just so hard to stop. I don't like to eat..." He gave me a hug. "It will get better Paige. I promise." "Thanks Chris." He pulled away and left passing by Oli and the rest of the guys walking up.
They've been on stage for about 10 minutes and they just finished Crucify me and the music started for Sleep Walking. Oli wrote this song for me and I loved it, it was my favorite on the album besides Join the Club. Wake up! Take my hand and give me a reason to start again. Wake up! Pull me out and give me a reason to start again." I attempted to kill myself 2 years ago and Oli is the one who found me and I asked for a reason to start again, he replied back with 'Because I need you here.'
I changed for him. He helped me so much. I sang along with him, bobbing my head to the music watching the crowd go absolutely crazy. After that they had one more song to do and he spoke into the mic. "Alright. I've got a treat for you guys. I have back stage a good friend of mine and she is gonna sing Deathbeds with me." The crowd was yelling in excitement as I slowly walked out on stage.
All my nervousness left as soon as I took a mic in my hand. He started and I followed. Singing everything the way I thought it was supposed to be and we finished. I smiled and the crowd cheered. "Thank you guys for coming out! You've been an amazing Fucking crowd! Till next time!" Oli yelled into the mic.
We ran off stage. "That went awesome!" Oli said pulling me to dance with him in a circle. "I have to get back to the booth. I'll see y'all later." I said and started to walk away. I got to my booth and started handing things out again. I was getting some kid a shirt when I heard my name. "Paige!" I looked over in the direction and saw Rian running up to me. "Rian!" I yelled back jumping over the table and sprinting off towards him.
We engulfed each other in a hug. "God, I missed your hugs." I said. "God, I just missed you." "I missed you too." We pulled apart. You look so different." "Yeah more tattoos, more piercings, and what have yous. And you?" I asked. "Got new tattoos also, and I'm still dating Cassadee." "That's awesome Ri!" I said and gave him another hug. "So..." He started. "I left to England, I met Oli there and he let me come live with him. And yes I thought about coming back everyday... It just sounded like a worse idea than a good one so I didn't."
"Well whatever you thought whatever. I just missed you." I missed you, too." "I saw you preforming with Oli do you do that a lot?" "No not really, occasionally he will pull me on stage and make me sing but for the most part no." "If I got Alex to do Remembering Sunday would you come sing it with him?" He asked. I didn't know what to say is that how I wanted them to know I was here? I didn't wanna make it seem like I was avoiding him the whole time.
"I'll tell him Cass came to this show and we'll send you on instead. I mean he did write the song for you. Wait have you talked to any of the others yet?" "Just Zack." "Perfect. We'll get Jack to play and Alex to sing and you'll walk out when it's your turn and-" "Don't you think it will be awkward-" "No we'll make it the last song, so you guys can walk off stage and talk or whatever." "If you think it's a good idea I'll do it..." "I think it's perfect. I have to go get ready. Show up like ten before our set ends and Zack and I will tell them what to do. See you then."
Rian gave me a quick hug and left. I walked back over to my booth. I started my job again just letting the minutes pass till I was to be on stage... Can I do this? Is it too much? Would they freak out and leave or worse yell at me? Would they recognize me? Would they be happy to see me? I looked at my phone and saw it was time. I walked away finding Oli as I walked.
"Where you headed?" He asked. "All Time Low set. See what you started making me stand on stage today." I said poking his side. "You did amazing. I love your voice-" "Me too!" I heard someone yell. They ran up. "Your Paige right?" "Yeah." "I'm Vic. Hey Oli." "Sup man. How you been?" "Good, really good actually. I heard you sing with this guy and wondered if you would sing one of my songs with me?" "I don't know the lyrics? What song?"
"It's called Hold on till may." " I actually know it, it's on my phone." "So you'll sing?" "I guess maybe, but I have to be somewhere so I'll talk to you later." I said starting to jog to the stage. I walked back stage slowly, flashing my pass at anyone who needed it. I made it side stage where I saw Zack. "Is this such a good idea? What if they just get up and leave?" I asked while playing with my fingers.
"Your gonna do fine and they won't leave. They love the fans to much to just leave." "Will they recognize me at least?" I asked looking up at Zack. "Paige... you can't just forget someone you love." Then like that the song started and Alex began singing. I looked over seeing Jack play on a stool, and Alex singing into a mic while seated on a stool. I got some tears in my eyes, but quickly wiped them away.
I listened to the beautiful tone carry Alex's voice across the crowd singing along. It got closer to my part and I couldn't control the beating in my chest. It came up and I already had my mic in hand, Zack pushed me out. "I'm not coming back. I've done something so terrible. I'm terrified to speak." I started across the stage. Alex looked up at me and his smile faded but I continued.
"But you'd expect that from me I'm mixed up, I'll be blunt, now the rain is just washing you out of my hair and out of my mind." He smacked Jack's arm and he looked up, he almost missed a couple notes but continued. "Keeping an eye on the world, From so many thousands of feet off the ground, I'm over you now I'm at home in the clouds, and towering over your head." Alex pulled his mic from the stand and sang while walking over slowly to me.
"Well I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home now... I guess I'll go home." He finished we were inches away from each other. Jack grabbed the guitar and walked off the stage. Alex pushed past me and walked off the stage and I followed back the way I came and got to Zack. "I told you they would wanna talk to me, see me, or even think about me! I should have just stayed gone!" I yelled while Zack held my wrists so I couldn't run away.
"Is that what you think? It was better for you to stay gone?" Alex said. "We've waited for you to come back, so long." Jack added. I stopped trying to struggle out of Zack's grip and he let go and I turned around. "Yeah." Was all I replied back with, I stared at my feet. "You l-look d-different." Jack broke out. I looked up at both of them with tears in my eyes. "S-s do you g-guys." I said back.
I ran over giving both a hug at the same time. "I-I Missed y-you guys s-so much." I said, while my breathing was uneven. "I missed you." I heard Alex say into my shoulder. "Please don't leave again." Jack said into my hair on my left side. "I promise, tell me you'll still be here for me." I said back. "Paige! You did amazing!" I heard Oli say. I let go of the boys and Oli engulfed me into a hug, where he picked me up.
"I'm about to go to the signing. Wanna come?" Oli asked. "Umm... Sure." I said back wiping my eyes. He grabbed my hand and pulled me away. Alex and Jack had a weird look on their faces. I just smiled and waved and left to go to the designated signing area. This is getting harder and harder... and it's only the first day...
11/4/13