Secrets and Lies
Chapter Thirty Three
-Jack POV-
Alex finding out about my secret could have gone down a bit smoother I suppose, but then again, what was I really expecting? Him to turn around and say it was okay, that everything was fine and he didn't care? No. I expected a negative reaction but I didn't have him down as the sort to get confrontational about it, but then again, it just showed he cares...and with good reason, too. He told me about his brother Tom and how he purposely overdosed on whatever combination of drugs he could get his hands on, I felt really guilty about that because as we lived in the same area we'd probably done business together, and that made me feel awful, knowing that I could have contributed to his death, to the cause of Alex's unhappiness.
I was 22 now, which meant I'd started taking illegal substances for about 7-8 years now, yeah I started at 15, but everyone at school was doing it and I just somehow got involved...and by 'everyone in school' I meant Vic and Kellin, that was it. It was just something we'd do after school at each other's houses whilst chilling and jamming, but then it just became a regular thing. We grew up still doing it but getting more involved, we would sell it to other people and do pick ups and drop offs, it was just normal for us. Vic was always the frontman though, he was the one that got me into it and he still sorts it out for me now...well not anymore thanks to Alex, but he did.
It has been three days so far that I haven't touched anything and it feels odd, it's how normal people feel I suppose, but it was ten times better knowing that it made my boyfriend happy. Today was the day that he was going to meet my mom too which was going to be awesome, she knows we're together but I told her to not say anything and she completely understands. It was always my dad that was against my sexuality, but he's now out of the picture so things are a lot easier for me now.
I felt something hit my face lightly and I opened my eyes to see Alex's hand on my chin. He moves a lot in his sleep which keeps me up sometimes, I've been kicked before and punched in the back, but it's fine, I'm going to have to get used to it now that we share a bed permanently.
I wrapped my hand around his balled up hand and placed it on his chest, making him stir a little before he was awake and looking at me with a sleepy smile.
''Did I wake you?'' He asked stretching, causing a few of his joints to pop.
I laughed through my nose and shook my head. ''Now c'mon, we need to get up and ready so you can meet the vagina I fell out of.''
''I don't want to meet her vagina, dude! Just her face.'' I said with a look of disgust on his features.
''Okay, okay. Well, up!" I retorted, flinging the duvet from off of me and heading to the the bathroom. ''Dibs on a shower first!
Alex groaned and put a pillow over his face as I pulled the door too and turning on the water. As I let it warm up I filled up the sink and had a quick shave, humming My Chemical Romance's 'Famous Last Words' to myself. After I rinsed off the blade and put it back in the cabinet, I stepped over the side of the bath and stood under the stream of hot water before turning on the shower radio, as soon as I saw the one in Home Alone that Uncle Frankie had I just had to buy one; I turned it up full volume and started lathering up my hair and miming along.
When I had finished washing my body I turned to face the shower-head and took my face scrub from the small shelf with the various toiletries and applied a small amount to my hands before massaging it into my skin. I was letting the warm water wash it off and I felt a hand on either one of my shoulders which caused me to tense up before realizing the only person it would be was Alex, I turned around carefully so I wouldn't slip to see him lip singing to the song currently on the radio and I smiled at him as he was stood there in his birthday suit.
''Nice of you to join me,'' I laughed. ''To what do I owe this pleasure?''
He gave me a sexy-ass smirk as he placed his arms loosely on my shoulders and clasping his hands together behind my back. ''You don't owe me anything, I just wanted a kiss.'' He stated, inching closer to me and slotting his lips between mine. It was an innocent peck at first, but the water dripping down our faces reminded me of the movies where a couple is kissing in the rain and it's all romantic, I slowly trailed my tongue along his lower lip and he gave me access to explore his whole mouth, our tongues danced together on a little platform in a battle for dominance which I won early on. I could feel myself beginning to get really turned on so reluctantly I pulled away and ruffled his wet hair with my free hand that wasn't cupping his cheek.
''If you're here to shower then get on with it,'' I told him. ''Because we woke up late as it is.''
He stuck out his tongue and I smiled, stepping out of his way and grabbing a towel.
As we pulled into my mom's driveway the music coming from the radio faded out in perfect timing and Alex clicked the buckle releasing his seatbelt and let out a heavy sigh. ''What if she doesn't like me?'' He asked nervously, looking down into his lap.
''She's gonna love you Lex, just like I do.'' I reassured him as I squeezed his thigh.
It was true, there was no reason for her not to take a liking to him; he was well mannered, kind, talented, funny and sweet, but the most important thing was that he makes me happy, and that's all my mom wants for me.
I walked around to his side of the car to open it for him, I took his hand in mine and we neared the front door. Right in front of it I turned to face him, placed a light kiss on his forehead and told him everything was going to be fine.
I opened the door and we were immidiately hit with the smell of food cooking and feint music in the background which I regognised to be my own album, how flattering.
''MA! TURN THAT CRAP OFF!" I yelled through the house as we stepped inside and waited in the hallway for her to appear.
After what could have only been ten seconds, she hurried around the corner, pulling off her over glove and embraced me in a hug.
''Jacky!" She squealed. ''How was tour? Did you brush your teeth everyday? I hope you didn't drink too much, you know it's bad for you I-'' she was rambling before I cut her off.
''Ma, I'm fine, my teeth are fine, tour was great,'' I said with a roll of my eyes and I escaped her tightening grip around me. I turned on my heel to see a very awkward looking Alex and I shot him a smile. ''Mom, this is Alex.''
''Oh sweetie I've heard so much about you!" She said excitedly, not hugging him. ''It's great to finally put a face to the name!"
I couldn't help but hold back laughter as my boyfriend's eyes were popping out of his skull at the intensity of my mother's hug.
''It's nice to meet you Mrs Barakat.'' He chirped which caused her to pull out of the embrace.
''Call me Joyce dear, Mrs Barakat is far too formal I-''
''What's cooking mom? Smells good.'' I asked, trying to change the subject.
She gave me a 100-watt grin and put her oven glove back on. ''Just a pasta dish,'' she replied, now turning to face Alex again. ''Are you okay with pasta, love?'' She asked him.
''For sure!" He smiled back, now finally easing the nerves at the mention of his favourite food. ''Is there anything I can do to help?''
She furrowed her eyebrows for a few seconds before releasing them as if she'd just came up with an ingenious invention. ''Would you two boys be a dear and set the table? The cloth is folded up on the table already along with the cutlery, if you could just set it out that would be fabulous.''
''It would be my pleasure, Joyce.'' Alex said as she went back into the kitchen.
I led the way into the dining room, cringing at old baby photos of me hanging on the walls in the corridor.
''Told you she'd like you.'' I stated as I grabbed two corners of the table cloth, motioning for Alex to grab the other two.
''She seems very....happy.'' He chuckled.
Once the sheet was flattened out I grabbed the knives and forks whilst he got hold of the glasses and we set them down, my mom being at the head of the table, then myself and Alex sat opposite one another. We took our seats and I reached over the table and held his hands, bringing them up to my face and kissing his knuckles, we waited in a comfortable silence until my mom came back in the room with a small trolley of food like the meals on wheels service, she set our plates down in front of us and told us to dig in.
I was consuming the food at an alarming rate, it was as if I hadn't eaten anything in days, I was pretty much inhaling it, but I couldn't help it. ''So...ma,'' I said clearing my throat. ''How've you been?''
She wiped her mouth with a napkin before answering. ''Not too bad, been keeping busy sorting out May's university placement.''
''She still want to do graphic design?'' I asked, twirling a few strands of spaghetti onto my fork.
''Mhm,'' she paused. ''Enough about your sister though, I want to get to know this lovely young man!" She gestured towards Alex who now looked uncomfortable.
''Nothing to tell really, he makes me happy ma, and I really want you to like him.'' I smiled.
She gave him a warming smile as she took a sip of her water. ''So tell me dear, what do you do?''
He continued to explain about his hairdressing job and that's how we came to meet one another, and how after hanging out a few times I wanted to help him with his music. We all spent hours just chatting away about tour, new music and it was as if she'd already accepted him already, not that I was expecting otherwise. It was like proper family bonding time.
Once we got back home it was nearing 11pm and Alex had fallen asleep in the car; he was still recovering from being ill so I understood where he was coming from and I tried my best to look after him except I was starting to feel pretty weak myself. He walked up to our room with his eyes half closed, just wanting to find a bed and I stayed downstairs for a while, channel surfing and settling for some weird documentary about a serial killer; probably not the best thing to watch before bed-time but I was particularly tired so it was either that or a lame game-show from the 70's, I think I made the right choice.
And hour had passed and the show was coming to a close, I leaned over and grabbed the remote from the coffee table to turn the TV off, and when I did, I stood up, only to find my legs were both dead so I fell over into a heap on the floor. My body started to involuntary shake and I broke out into a cold sweat but at the same time a hot flush ran across my face. I pulled myself back up to my feet, slowly learning how to walk with numb legs and headed of the stairs, holding on to the railings as I climbed them.
After the struggle of making it to the top, I walked into our room, seeing Alex asleep on the bed and a light snore escaping his slightly open mouth; I smiled at him and headed to the bathroom, picking up my wallet on the way there, I knew what needed to be done.
I ever so carefully opened the door to make sure it didn't wake Alex; it was the only squeaky door in the house and I should probably get it fixed, but seeing as I'm hardly ever here, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet. I tugged on the cord which illuminated the room and a soft fan turned on, I closed the door behind me and flicked the lock, just in case.
I looked at the mirror on the white cabinet hung on the wall and stared at my reflection, hating what I saw; my hair was flat and lifeless, my skin was ice white and my eyes were bloodshot with big black bags under them...I looked like I hadn't slept in days, when in reality, I knew perfectly well what was going on with me. I was wrong the whole time.
I took out a dollar bill from my wallet and placed it on the bathroom counter, shoving my wallet back into my pocket as I opened the small doors on the cabinet and took out the bottle of baby powder and twisted the cap making a tiny white cloud appear above it. I shook some of the contents onto the surface and stared at it for a while. I couldn't believe I was wrong about myself this whole time, I couldn't believe that I was going to do this, I couldn't believe that when Alex made me flush my weed that I didn't mention I had this too...I always his my Cocaine in a baby powder bottle, always have; it was easier to hide from my mom when I lived with her and it was just a habit I never grew out of.
I looked at the white substance, knowing everything about this was wrong, after what Alex told me about his brother, about how he was scared to lose me to this...I still couldn't help myself; I needed this, I needed the feeling back in my body, I wasn't myself without it.
Taking a hold of my wallet again, I pulled out my drivers license and scraped the powder into a neat little line and rolled up my dollar bill. I put the end of it up to my nose and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I can stop if I want. I leaned down and touched the bill the beginning of the line...I pictured Alex's face, I imagined him hurt because of what I was doing. This was wrong, it was all wrong, but he wouldn't understand.
I let out a shaky breath and inhaled the powder, relief washing over me as I knew I was going to feel better, I was going to get back to being me again, even though I knew what I was doing would kill Alex if he knew.
After all these years I thought I knew myself, I said I was fine. I was wrong.
Maybe I do have a problem.
Alex finding out about my secret could have gone down a bit smoother I suppose, but then again, what was I really expecting? Him to turn around and say it was okay, that everything was fine and he didn't care? No. I expected a negative reaction but I didn't have him down as the sort to get confrontational about it, but then again, it just showed he cares...and with good reason, too. He told me about his brother Tom and how he purposely overdosed on whatever combination of drugs he could get his hands on, I felt really guilty about that because as we lived in the same area we'd probably done business together, and that made me feel awful, knowing that I could have contributed to his death, to the cause of Alex's unhappiness.
I was 22 now, which meant I'd started taking illegal substances for about 7-8 years now, yeah I started at 15, but everyone at school was doing it and I just somehow got involved...and by 'everyone in school' I meant Vic and Kellin, that was it. It was just something we'd do after school at each other's houses whilst chilling and jamming, but then it just became a regular thing. We grew up still doing it but getting more involved, we would sell it to other people and do pick ups and drop offs, it was just normal for us. Vic was always the frontman though, he was the one that got me into it and he still sorts it out for me now...well not anymore thanks to Alex, but he did.
It has been three days so far that I haven't touched anything and it feels odd, it's how normal people feel I suppose, but it was ten times better knowing that it made my boyfriend happy. Today was the day that he was going to meet my mom too which was going to be awesome, she knows we're together but I told her to not say anything and she completely understands. It was always my dad that was against my sexuality, but he's now out of the picture so things are a lot easier for me now.
I felt something hit my face lightly and I opened my eyes to see Alex's hand on my chin. He moves a lot in his sleep which keeps me up sometimes, I've been kicked before and punched in the back, but it's fine, I'm going to have to get used to it now that we share a bed permanently.
I wrapped my hand around his balled up hand and placed it on his chest, making him stir a little before he was awake and looking at me with a sleepy smile.
''Did I wake you?'' He asked stretching, causing a few of his joints to pop.
I laughed through my nose and shook my head. ''Now c'mon, we need to get up and ready so you can meet the vagina I fell out of.''
''I don't want to meet her vagina, dude! Just her face.'' I said with a look of disgust on his features.
''Okay, okay. Well, up!" I retorted, flinging the duvet from off of me and heading to the the bathroom. ''Dibs on a shower first!
Alex groaned and put a pillow over his face as I pulled the door too and turning on the water. As I let it warm up I filled up the sink and had a quick shave, humming My Chemical Romance's 'Famous Last Words' to myself. After I rinsed off the blade and put it back in the cabinet, I stepped over the side of the bath and stood under the stream of hot water before turning on the shower radio, as soon as I saw the one in Home Alone that Uncle Frankie had I just had to buy one; I turned it up full volume and started lathering up my hair and miming along.
When I had finished washing my body I turned to face the shower-head and took my face scrub from the small shelf with the various toiletries and applied a small amount to my hands before massaging it into my skin. I was letting the warm water wash it off and I felt a hand on either one of my shoulders which caused me to tense up before realizing the only person it would be was Alex, I turned around carefully so I wouldn't slip to see him lip singing to the song currently on the radio and I smiled at him as he was stood there in his birthday suit.
''Nice of you to join me,'' I laughed. ''To what do I owe this pleasure?''
He gave me a sexy-ass smirk as he placed his arms loosely on my shoulders and clasping his hands together behind my back. ''You don't owe me anything, I just wanted a kiss.'' He stated, inching closer to me and slotting his lips between mine. It was an innocent peck at first, but the water dripping down our faces reminded me of the movies where a couple is kissing in the rain and it's all romantic, I slowly trailed my tongue along his lower lip and he gave me access to explore his whole mouth, our tongues danced together on a little platform in a battle for dominance which I won early on. I could feel myself beginning to get really turned on so reluctantly I pulled away and ruffled his wet hair with my free hand that wasn't cupping his cheek.
''If you're here to shower then get on with it,'' I told him. ''Because we woke up late as it is.''
He stuck out his tongue and I smiled, stepping out of his way and grabbing a towel.
As we pulled into my mom's driveway the music coming from the radio faded out in perfect timing and Alex clicked the buckle releasing his seatbelt and let out a heavy sigh. ''What if she doesn't like me?'' He asked nervously, looking down into his lap.
''She's gonna love you Lex, just like I do.'' I reassured him as I squeezed his thigh.
It was true, there was no reason for her not to take a liking to him; he was well mannered, kind, talented, funny and sweet, but the most important thing was that he makes me happy, and that's all my mom wants for me.
I walked around to his side of the car to open it for him, I took his hand in mine and we neared the front door. Right in front of it I turned to face him, placed a light kiss on his forehead and told him everything was going to be fine.
I opened the door and we were immidiately hit with the smell of food cooking and feint music in the background which I regognised to be my own album, how flattering.
''MA! TURN THAT CRAP OFF!" I yelled through the house as we stepped inside and waited in the hallway for her to appear.
After what could have only been ten seconds, she hurried around the corner, pulling off her over glove and embraced me in a hug.
''Jacky!" She squealed. ''How was tour? Did you brush your teeth everyday? I hope you didn't drink too much, you know it's bad for you I-'' she was rambling before I cut her off.
''Ma, I'm fine, my teeth are fine, tour was great,'' I said with a roll of my eyes and I escaped her tightening grip around me. I turned on my heel to see a very awkward looking Alex and I shot him a smile. ''Mom, this is Alex.''
''Oh sweetie I've heard so much about you!" She said excitedly, not hugging him. ''It's great to finally put a face to the name!"
I couldn't help but hold back laughter as my boyfriend's eyes were popping out of his skull at the intensity of my mother's hug.
''It's nice to meet you Mrs Barakat.'' He chirped which caused her to pull out of the embrace.
''Call me Joyce dear, Mrs Barakat is far too formal I-''
''What's cooking mom? Smells good.'' I asked, trying to change the subject.
She gave me a 100-watt grin and put her oven glove back on. ''Just a pasta dish,'' she replied, now turning to face Alex again. ''Are you okay with pasta, love?'' She asked him.
''For sure!" He smiled back, now finally easing the nerves at the mention of his favourite food. ''Is there anything I can do to help?''
She furrowed her eyebrows for a few seconds before releasing them as if she'd just came up with an ingenious invention. ''Would you two boys be a dear and set the table? The cloth is folded up on the table already along with the cutlery, if you could just set it out that would be fabulous.''
''It would be my pleasure, Joyce.'' Alex said as she went back into the kitchen.
I led the way into the dining room, cringing at old baby photos of me hanging on the walls in the corridor.
''Told you she'd like you.'' I stated as I grabbed two corners of the table cloth, motioning for Alex to grab the other two.
''She seems very....happy.'' He chuckled.
Once the sheet was flattened out I grabbed the knives and forks whilst he got hold of the glasses and we set them down, my mom being at the head of the table, then myself and Alex sat opposite one another. We took our seats and I reached over the table and held his hands, bringing them up to my face and kissing his knuckles, we waited in a comfortable silence until my mom came back in the room with a small trolley of food like the meals on wheels service, she set our plates down in front of us and told us to dig in.
I was consuming the food at an alarming rate, it was as if I hadn't eaten anything in days, I was pretty much inhaling it, but I couldn't help it. ''So...ma,'' I said clearing my throat. ''How've you been?''
She wiped her mouth with a napkin before answering. ''Not too bad, been keeping busy sorting out May's university placement.''
''She still want to do graphic design?'' I asked, twirling a few strands of spaghetti onto my fork.
''Mhm,'' she paused. ''Enough about your sister though, I want to get to know this lovely young man!" She gestured towards Alex who now looked uncomfortable.
''Nothing to tell really, he makes me happy ma, and I really want you to like him.'' I smiled.
She gave him a warming smile as she took a sip of her water. ''So tell me dear, what do you do?''
He continued to explain about his hairdressing job and that's how we came to meet one another, and how after hanging out a few times I wanted to help him with his music. We all spent hours just chatting away about tour, new music and it was as if she'd already accepted him already, not that I was expecting otherwise. It was like proper family bonding time.
Once we got back home it was nearing 11pm and Alex had fallen asleep in the car; he was still recovering from being ill so I understood where he was coming from and I tried my best to look after him except I was starting to feel pretty weak myself. He walked up to our room with his eyes half closed, just wanting to find a bed and I stayed downstairs for a while, channel surfing and settling for some weird documentary about a serial killer; probably not the best thing to watch before bed-time but I was particularly tired so it was either that or a lame game-show from the 70's, I think I made the right choice.
And hour had passed and the show was coming to a close, I leaned over and grabbed the remote from the coffee table to turn the TV off, and when I did, I stood up, only to find my legs were both dead so I fell over into a heap on the floor. My body started to involuntary shake and I broke out into a cold sweat but at the same time a hot flush ran across my face. I pulled myself back up to my feet, slowly learning how to walk with numb legs and headed of the stairs, holding on to the railings as I climbed them.
After the struggle of making it to the top, I walked into our room, seeing Alex asleep on the bed and a light snore escaping his slightly open mouth; I smiled at him and headed to the bathroom, picking up my wallet on the way there, I knew what needed to be done.
I ever so carefully opened the door to make sure it didn't wake Alex; it was the only squeaky door in the house and I should probably get it fixed, but seeing as I'm hardly ever here, I just hadn't gotten around to it yet. I tugged on the cord which illuminated the room and a soft fan turned on, I closed the door behind me and flicked the lock, just in case.
I looked at the mirror on the white cabinet hung on the wall and stared at my reflection, hating what I saw; my hair was flat and lifeless, my skin was ice white and my eyes were bloodshot with big black bags under them...I looked like I hadn't slept in days, when in reality, I knew perfectly well what was going on with me. I was wrong the whole time.
I took out a dollar bill from my wallet and placed it on the bathroom counter, shoving my wallet back into my pocket as I opened the small doors on the cabinet and took out the bottle of baby powder and twisted the cap making a tiny white cloud appear above it. I shook some of the contents onto the surface and stared at it for a while. I couldn't believe I was wrong about myself this whole time, I couldn't believe that I was going to do this, I couldn't believe that when Alex made me flush my weed that I didn't mention I had this too...I always his my Cocaine in a baby powder bottle, always have; it was easier to hide from my mom when I lived with her and it was just a habit I never grew out of.
I looked at the white substance, knowing everything about this was wrong, after what Alex told me about his brother, about how he was scared to lose me to this...I still couldn't help myself; I needed this, I needed the feeling back in my body, I wasn't myself without it.
Taking a hold of my wallet again, I pulled out my drivers license and scraped the powder into a neat little line and rolled up my dollar bill. I put the end of it up to my nose and squeezed my eyes shut tightly. I can stop if I want. I leaned down and touched the bill the beginning of the line...I pictured Alex's face, I imagined him hurt because of what I was doing. This was wrong, it was all wrong, but he wouldn't understand.
I let out a shaky breath and inhaled the powder, relief washing over me as I knew I was going to feel better, I was going to get back to being me again, even though I knew what I was doing would kill Alex if he knew.
After all these years I thought I knew myself, I said I was fine. I was wrong.
Maybe I do have a problem.
Notes
omg, you beautiful people have got me to 40 votes?!I seriously love you all so much:'3
Thank you for reading :)
<3
What happens in the last chapter cuz its gone. Omg though amazing story
5/29/16