Where Clover Whitens
Blank Verse
I hate Parties;
They bring out the worst in me.
-Dorothy Parker, “Parties: A Hymn of Hate”
Alex barely had time to breathe before it was time for him to see Jack and the rest of the guys again. He spent the week trying to get back to his normal routine: unpacking, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning, and TV show binging. He visited his parents and hung out with his dogs, but that was about the extent of his socialization for the week. Alex loved touring more than anything in the world, but after months of seeing thousands of people, he really needed a break. That break included his best friends and bandmates. They were a lot individually, and collectively, they were even more, and when Jack was a part of that, new, straight-laced, not Jack Jack, it was so much worse.
The bachelor party kicked off at nine on that Friday evening, as even though Caitlin had made Jack shape up and be a better person (subjectively) overall, he still could not possibly ever be on time to anything, not even to his own party. Alex hadn’t wanted to attend the bachelor party at all, so he arrived at the Mexican restaurant at about eight-thirty, and even still, he was earlier than the actual man of the hour. Rian and Zack were already seated with beers and margaritas, of course, along with Jack’s brother, a few members of their crew, and a couple guys from Jack’s LA group. He took a seat beside Zack and immediately ordered a beer and a shot of tequila; he knew that he was going to need as much alcohol as possible to make it through this night. No one said anything to Alex when he did so, but when a waiter sat his drinks down, Joe raised an eyebrow.
“I guess I’m too old to pregame the way you do,” Joe said with a chuckle, sipping at his APA.
Rian shook his head, dipping a tortilla chip deep into some chunky salsa. “Nah, you’re fine, Joe. Jack and Alex could outdrink a pirate.”
It was a shitty joke, but it was enough to make the entire table laugh. Everyone except Alex, that was. It stung, and it made Alex think wistfully back on his and Jack’s friendship. He’d been best friends with Jack for almost half of his life, and they’d spent a good amount of it fucked up together.
Alex pasted on a smile, grateful when then waitress sat his drinks down. She was a younger girl with a nose ring, pretty, and had a nice body. She smiled back at Alex and gave him a little wink.
“Let me know if you need anything else, sweetie,” she sang before she walked off.
Ricky raised an eyebrow at Alex and then gave him a smirk. “Guess you won’t be coming bar-hopping with us, huh, Alex?”
Alex was neck deep in his bottle of Corona and barely even registered that Ricky was talking to him, let alone trying to joke with him. “Huh?”
“Ricky wants to know if you’re gonna fuck that waitress,” Kevin said, leaning forward to grab a tortilla chip of his own. “She was shoving her tits in your face, dude.”
Alex was quiet for a moment and then shrugged. “Oh, nah. She was cute, but I’m not here for that. We’re here for Jack,” he said with a little chuckle, despite the pang in his chest. C’est la vie, he thought to himself.
“There’s our boy!” Vinny exclaimed, pointing as Jack came in, an arm slung around Nano.
“Sorry I’m fashionably late,” Jack said as he sat down across from Alex, giving him a smirk that sent Alex’s heart into palpitations. “Couldn’t figure out what to wear.”
Nano rolled his eyes, sitting next to Rian. “More like he couldn’t decide which white claw to drink in the shower.”
“There’s a lot of flavors,” Jack said, throwing his hands up defensively. “It was hard to decide.”
“So he drank them all,” Nano translated as the flirty waitress returned. “I’ll have a double margarita.”
No one was saying it, but Alex knew that Jack was only getting to drink and behave this way because Caitlin was out of town for her bachelorette party. Okay, maybe he was being hard on her. It wasn’t like she forced Jack to quit drinking or anything. It was just that she preferred Jack to be sober and didn’t like for him to drink a lot.
“She says I’m not myself when I’m drinking,” Jack had told Alex about a year ago. It was right after he’d started dating Caitlin seriously and after he’d been in therapy for a few months.
Alex had rolled his eyes. He didn’t like Caitlin, but he didn’t like how much Jack liked her even more “It’s not like you turn into some kind of fucking monster, Jack. You drank a lot there for a while, yeah. But we would have never let you drown yourself or anything.”
Jack shrugged. “Well, yeah. But Dr. Palmer also said that I was using alcohol to deal with my depression and identity issues.”
Frowning deeply, Alex stared at Jack. Who was this fucking man? “Identity issues?” he asked.
“You don’t have that. If you did, we wouldn’t be friends.”
Chuckling softly, Jack squeezed Alex’s shoulder. “I appreciate you always having my back, Alex, but she’s right. She just meant that I was struggling deeply with who I am.”
That hurt Alex. Jack knew everything about him. Well, almost everything. To learn that Jack was so depressed and unsure of himself and hadn’t spoken to Alex about it, really stung. Did he not trust Alex? And what made Caitlin better than him? A lot of things, Alex would soon learn.
“I’ll have a Corona and a double shot of tequila,” Jack said, raising a finger to the waitress, and
Alex smiled a little because he knew that Jack would want that, knew that they’d have the same order.
“Are we not ordering food?” Joe asked, laughing out loud. “Jesus Christ, you guys make me feel old.”
“Of course we’re getting food,” Rian replied. “We’re just getting drinks, too.”
Jack laughed at that. “Let me remind you that you are old, bro.”
When the waitress returned, the guys all ordered their food. Once upon a time, Jack and Alex had always gotten double orders of fajitas and split them at Mexican restaurants. They hadn’t done that in a while, though, so Alex didn’t bother, opting instead for a few enchiladas and some rice and beans. He was planning on getting plastered, anyway, and he didn’t want to throw up all night long. Being as inebriated as possible was the only way that he was going to make it through this: the bachelor party, the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, all of it. Alex had been drunk for the better part of his teens and twenties, so he hoped that he was equipped for it.
“You’re kinda quiet,” Jack said, nudging Alex’s foot with his own under the table. Alex couldn’t help the shiver that went up his body at the contact between them, even through clothes. He looked up and smiled his first real smile of the night. Even when he was feeling his worst, Jack could make him happy.
“Just taking it all in,” Alex said, hiding behind his nearly empty bottle of Corona.
Alex saw a flash of something in Jack’s eyes, but as quickly as it came, it disappeared. “Well, tonight’s not about taking it in, ‘Lex. It’s about living in the moment.” With that, he gave Alex a nod and downed the double shot like it was water.
And maybe Jack was right. Maybe that was the key to surviving this whole ordeal. If he didn’t look too far into the future, he wouldn’t have to think about Jack being married. He wouldn’t have to think about how his heart was going to be completely shattered.
“I’ll drink to that,” Alex said with a little grin, raising his bottle up. Jack grinned back and then clinked his bottle against Alex’s.
Downing the last of his Corona, Alex looked around the room. He was with his best friends in Los Angeles, ready to have a crazy night out celebrating his best friend in the world. He needed to chin the fuck up and he knew it. He could pout and cry later. For now, he was going to try his damnedest to have a good time.
“So we’ll eat and then head out the Frolic Room, and go from there,” Jack said to the group as a whole. “We can bar hop all night long for all I care. Then, we’ll get McDonald’s at like…four a.m. or something.”
Zack rolled his eyes and laughed. “It’s your choice, man. But I think most of us will be puking our lungs out by that point.”
Alex hoped that he wasn’t, but if that was the cost of getting sloshed, then he’d pay it.
When the waitress came back with the groups’ food, she passed it all out. Then, before she left, she asked if they needed anything else.
“Can we get a double shot of tequila for everybody?” Alex asked, smiling and leaning forward. “It’s on me. Let’s get fucked up, boys.”
They bring out the worst in me.
-Dorothy Parker, “Parties: A Hymn of Hate”
Alex barely had time to breathe before it was time for him to see Jack and the rest of the guys again. He spent the week trying to get back to his normal routine: unpacking, cleaning, grocery shopping, meal planning, and TV show binging. He visited his parents and hung out with his dogs, but that was about the extent of his socialization for the week. Alex loved touring more than anything in the world, but after months of seeing thousands of people, he really needed a break. That break included his best friends and bandmates. They were a lot individually, and collectively, they were even more, and when Jack was a part of that, new, straight-laced, not Jack Jack, it was so much worse.
The bachelor party kicked off at nine on that Friday evening, as even though Caitlin had made Jack shape up and be a better person (subjectively) overall, he still could not possibly ever be on time to anything, not even to his own party. Alex hadn’t wanted to attend the bachelor party at all, so he arrived at the Mexican restaurant at about eight-thirty, and even still, he was earlier than the actual man of the hour. Rian and Zack were already seated with beers and margaritas, of course, along with Jack’s brother, a few members of their crew, and a couple guys from Jack’s LA group. He took a seat beside Zack and immediately ordered a beer and a shot of tequila; he knew that he was going to need as much alcohol as possible to make it through this night. No one said anything to Alex when he did so, but when a waiter sat his drinks down, Joe raised an eyebrow.
“I guess I’m too old to pregame the way you do,” Joe said with a chuckle, sipping at his APA.
Rian shook his head, dipping a tortilla chip deep into some chunky salsa. “Nah, you’re fine, Joe. Jack and Alex could outdrink a pirate.”
It was a shitty joke, but it was enough to make the entire table laugh. Everyone except Alex, that was. It stung, and it made Alex think wistfully back on his and Jack’s friendship. He’d been best friends with Jack for almost half of his life, and they’d spent a good amount of it fucked up together.
Alex pasted on a smile, grateful when then waitress sat his drinks down. She was a younger girl with a nose ring, pretty, and had a nice body. She smiled back at Alex and gave him a little wink.
“Let me know if you need anything else, sweetie,” she sang before she walked off.
Ricky raised an eyebrow at Alex and then gave him a smirk. “Guess you won’t be coming bar-hopping with us, huh, Alex?”
Alex was neck deep in his bottle of Corona and barely even registered that Ricky was talking to him, let alone trying to joke with him. “Huh?”
“Ricky wants to know if you’re gonna fuck that waitress,” Kevin said, leaning forward to grab a tortilla chip of his own. “She was shoving her tits in your face, dude.”
Alex was quiet for a moment and then shrugged. “Oh, nah. She was cute, but I’m not here for that. We’re here for Jack,” he said with a little chuckle, despite the pang in his chest. C’est la vie, he thought to himself.
“There’s our boy!” Vinny exclaimed, pointing as Jack came in, an arm slung around Nano.
“Sorry I’m fashionably late,” Jack said as he sat down across from Alex, giving him a smirk that sent Alex’s heart into palpitations. “Couldn’t figure out what to wear.”
Nano rolled his eyes, sitting next to Rian. “More like he couldn’t decide which white claw to drink in the shower.”
“There’s a lot of flavors,” Jack said, throwing his hands up defensively. “It was hard to decide.”
“So he drank them all,” Nano translated as the flirty waitress returned. “I’ll have a double margarita.”
No one was saying it, but Alex knew that Jack was only getting to drink and behave this way because Caitlin was out of town for her bachelorette party. Okay, maybe he was being hard on her. It wasn’t like she forced Jack to quit drinking or anything. It was just that she preferred Jack to be sober and didn’t like for him to drink a lot.
“She says I’m not myself when I’m drinking,” Jack had told Alex about a year ago. It was right after he’d started dating Caitlin seriously and after he’d been in therapy for a few months.
Alex had rolled his eyes. He didn’t like Caitlin, but he didn’t like how much Jack liked her even more “It’s not like you turn into some kind of fucking monster, Jack. You drank a lot there for a while, yeah. But we would have never let you drown yourself or anything.”
Jack shrugged. “Well, yeah. But Dr. Palmer also said that I was using alcohol to deal with my depression and identity issues.”
Frowning deeply, Alex stared at Jack. Who was this fucking man? “Identity issues?” he asked.
“You don’t have that. If you did, we wouldn’t be friends.”
Chuckling softly, Jack squeezed Alex’s shoulder. “I appreciate you always having my back, Alex, but she’s right. She just meant that I was struggling deeply with who I am.”
That hurt Alex. Jack knew everything about him. Well, almost everything. To learn that Jack was so depressed and unsure of himself and hadn’t spoken to Alex about it, really stung. Did he not trust Alex? And what made Caitlin better than him? A lot of things, Alex would soon learn.
“I’ll have a Corona and a double shot of tequila,” Jack said, raising a finger to the waitress, and
Alex smiled a little because he knew that Jack would want that, knew that they’d have the same order.
“Are we not ordering food?” Joe asked, laughing out loud. “Jesus Christ, you guys make me feel old.”
“Of course we’re getting food,” Rian replied. “We’re just getting drinks, too.”
Jack laughed at that. “Let me remind you that you are old, bro.”
When the waitress returned, the guys all ordered their food. Once upon a time, Jack and Alex had always gotten double orders of fajitas and split them at Mexican restaurants. They hadn’t done that in a while, though, so Alex didn’t bother, opting instead for a few enchiladas and some rice and beans. He was planning on getting plastered, anyway, and he didn’t want to throw up all night long. Being as inebriated as possible was the only way that he was going to make it through this: the bachelor party, the rehearsal dinner, the ceremony, the reception, all of it. Alex had been drunk for the better part of his teens and twenties, so he hoped that he was equipped for it.
“You’re kinda quiet,” Jack said, nudging Alex’s foot with his own under the table. Alex couldn’t help the shiver that went up his body at the contact between them, even through clothes. He looked up and smiled his first real smile of the night. Even when he was feeling his worst, Jack could make him happy.
“Just taking it all in,” Alex said, hiding behind his nearly empty bottle of Corona.
Alex saw a flash of something in Jack’s eyes, but as quickly as it came, it disappeared. “Well, tonight’s not about taking it in, ‘Lex. It’s about living in the moment.” With that, he gave Alex a nod and downed the double shot like it was water.
And maybe Jack was right. Maybe that was the key to surviving this whole ordeal. If he didn’t look too far into the future, he wouldn’t have to think about Jack being married. He wouldn’t have to think about how his heart was going to be completely shattered.
“I’ll drink to that,” Alex said with a little grin, raising his bottle up. Jack grinned back and then clinked his bottle against Alex’s.
Downing the last of his Corona, Alex looked around the room. He was with his best friends in Los Angeles, ready to have a crazy night out celebrating his best friend in the world. He needed to chin the fuck up and he knew it. He could pout and cry later. For now, he was going to try his damnedest to have a good time.
“So we’ll eat and then head out the Frolic Room, and go from there,” Jack said to the group as a whole. “We can bar hop all night long for all I care. Then, we’ll get McDonald’s at like…four a.m. or something.”
Zack rolled his eyes and laughed. “It’s your choice, man. But I think most of us will be puking our lungs out by that point.”
Alex hoped that he wasn’t, but if that was the cost of getting sloshed, then he’d pay it.
When the waitress came back with the groups’ food, she passed it all out. Then, before she left, she asked if they needed anything else.
“Can we get a double shot of tequila for everybody?” Alex asked, smiling and leaning forward. “It’s on me. Let’s get fucked up, boys.”
Notes
Hey, hello!
Sorry that it's been three months since I posted anything. Depression and school and work will do that to you. But, my friends, I have been to therapy, have A+ medication, and am stuck at home for the foreseeable future, since the university that I attend and teach at is shut down for the semester. I still have about a month of school and work, but I should be updating fairly soon. I promise that it will definitely not be three months again. It felt amazing to write again and it feels like a part of me that's been dead for a while has been resurrected. That's a weird metaphor, but the point is, I am back.
