I Have to Let You Down

Jack

I sat at my kitchen table as angry tears rolled down my cheek. My boyfriend Alex stood on the other side of the kitchen gripping his glass of water with both of his hands. I wiped my eyes and looked down at our video baby monitor to make sure our seven-month-old daughter, Alexandria, was still sound asleep. This was the second time Alex and I were having this argument over the same topic and I feared it would have a lasting effect on our relationship.

Alex and I have been together throughout high school and during our senior year he got me pregnant. Our parents weren’t too happy about it, but I didn’t care because Alex promised we would get our own place as soon as we graduated.

While we were in high school, Alex was in a band with his friends. I knew he took the band pretty seriously, but things had to change once I got pregnant. When we graduated, last month, he had a choice either to start touring with the band or stay here with me and his daughter so we would both get a job to support our family. He chose the latter at first and his friends got a replacement lead singer for their band. Alex and I have been staying with our parents while both putting in applications and looking for apartments. Alex had a part time job right now, but he needed to look for a full-time job that would pay more than minimum wage. I knew we wouldn’t make a lot of money right now, but as long as our family was together I didn’t care how rich we were. I could tell that it did bother Alex a little that he couldn’t give Alexa and I “everything we deserved,” but I tried my best to assure him we had everything we needed for now.

Everything in our life was perfect...until last week when Alex’s friends called to tell him that the new lead singer they had, left to join another band. They called and asked Alex to join in again so they could begin touring later this summer. When Alex first told me about it I thought he sounded humored by the idea. It didn’t seem like he would actually consider leaving our daughter and me to go join the band. I brushed it off at first, but Alex brought it up to me again a few days later to which I said “you’re kidding right?” and he finally told me that he was seriously considering it. We argued for the next twenty minutes and then gave each other the silent treatment for the rest of the day. That was only two days ago and Alex and I just started talking to each other again yesterday. I didn’t want to argue about it again, but apparently here we are. He stopped by my house, luckily while my parents were at work, so we could ‘talk this out like adults.’

“Jack, they need an answer from me by Sunday.” Alex sighed, and I wiped at my eyes.

“You wouldn’t even be able to put in a two weeks’ notice at work!” I stressed.

“It’s a snow cone shop.” He shrugged. “And they have other people that can do my job until they find someone else.” He shrugged.

“Would you even make as much as you do now?!” I wasn’t being rude, just realistic. They weren’t a big-time band yet, so it wasn’t like they were going to be paid a lot.

“I would make more! And even more if we were to have good CD sales.” He explained, and I rolled my eyes. “What more reason could you have to say no? I told you that I would only be gone a few months at a time. I’d make more freaking money. I could face time you and Alexa like every day. I don’t see a real reason for me not to do it.” He said, and I scoffed.

“Alexa is only seven months old, she needs her father here with her not only see you through a screen. And I would practically be raising her on my own without you here throughout the day to help. I honestly cannot believe you don’t see a problem with you leaving.” I wiped at my eyes.

“With the extra money I’ll be bring in you wouldn’t have to work a lot. You could find a part time and spend more time with Alexa and I would send you money to help.” He said, as if that was a solution.

“But I would have to stay with my parents which is something you promised we wouldn’t have to do. And I don’t want money in the place of you. Alexa and I need you to physical be here with us. Why can’t we just stick to our original plane?? Why is this even an argument?!?”

“I just... You know how much I love this band and Jack this is a once in a lifetime chance I get. Why would you want me to turn it down?”

“Because you’ll be leaving behind me and Alexa. And I don’t care if it’s only months at a time, you’ll constantly have to be touring so you’re going to miss crucial time with your daughter. Does that sound like the life you want?” I asked, and he glared at me.

“No, it’s not like that and you know that.” He snapped.

“I honestly don’t know ‘that.’ Instead of continuing the comfortable life we have planned out right now, you want to risk it by trying to play ‘what if.’”

“I’m not risking anything! We'll still be happily together an-“

“-you sure?” I cut him off.

“And what’s that supposed to mean, Jack?”

“We’ll hardly spend any time together and you’ll be on the road with hundreds of thousands of guys and girls throwing themselves at you. And I don’t want to consistently have to worry about where you’re at with who. I won’t allow myself to stay stressed out all the time.” I shrugged.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You honestly think I’d cheat on you?!”

“It’s a possibility with you being god-knows-where with god-knows-who.” I pouted.

“You’re being so irrational. I can’t talk to you when you’re like this.” He said as he ran his fingers through his hair. Alexa woke from her nap a few seconds later and began crying for one of us to come get her. I sighed and stood up to do it.

“Do whatever you want Alex. I’m finding it hard to care anymore.” I walked out of the kitchen and down the hall to Alexa’s room before Alex could respond. I heard the back-door slam, letting me know that he was going out for a cigarette. I sighed and went to check on our daughter.

When I walked in, Alexa’s hair was sticking up all over her head like Alex’s did when he woke up most mornings. I slightly chuckled at the thought and picked her up from her crib.

“Hi Bunny.” I whispered, and she immediately stopped crying. She smiled and cooed at me. I couldn’t imagine going one day without seeing her smiling face. I don’t know how Alex was even considering doing it.

“How about we play with your toys for a little bit. Does that sound fun?” I asked as she stared up at me and babbled. “I’m going to take that as a yes.”

I tried my best not to think about my argument with Alex. I could drive myself crazy thinking of things I should have said or get myself worked up over things he said. I changed Alexa and then sat her on her blanket on the ground and pulled out a few of her toys from her toy box. Her eyes widen as the toys were placed on the floor and she quickly grabbed her favorite toy; the pink unicorn stuffed animal. I sighed and watched her interact with it. I imagine this is what our days would look like without Alex here with us. I laid down on my back trying to stop more tears from falling from my eyes. I hated that Alex and I had polar opposite opinions on this matter. I wasn’t really willing to compromise, and I don’t think he was either. Now that I think about it, there probably isn’t a real way for us to compromise.

Seconds later I felt Alexa’s body next to mine. She laid on her back, imitating the way I was lying down while holding her unicorn in a death grip. “You’re so silly. Come here.” I chuckled and picked her up. She giggled as I raised her above me a few times then brought her down to kiss her on the cheek and lay her on my stomach.

“You look more like Alex than me.” I told her, and she hummed. “You heard me.” I chuckled. I laid back flat on the ground and let her sit on my stomach and play with her toys. I lost track of time but sometime later I heard footsteps slowly approach the doorway. Alexa looked up and squealed while holding her arms out. Her weight was pulled from my stomach as Alex picked her up off of me. He kissed her on the cheek and held her to his chest.

“I went out to get Chinese food if you’re hungry.” He said and I nodded.

“I’ll be in there in a minute.” I told him and he left with Alexa.

I tried to find the strength to get off the ground, but I stayed down. I didn’t want to go sit down and eat with Alex cause it was only going to lead to us talking/arguing more. It sucked that Alex had to give them answer in two days. We needed more time to talk this over instead of rushing to make a decision. I just couldn’t allow myself to let him go. Alex and I aren’t married yet, so he could easily leave me for anyone he finds while touring. Also, most of the guys in the band and crew are single so they’ll want to go out or bring people on the bus to party and after a few drinks anything could happen. I was afraid of losing Alex that way because it would hurt more.

I finally found the strength to push myself off the ground. I went to the kitchen and found Alex feeding Alexa her baby food in her high-chair. There was also a plate of food in front of my empty seat.

“Thanks.” I mumbled to Alex as I sat down and picked up my fork.

“No problem.” He shrugged.

I took a few bites of my lunch and made a few quick peeks towards Alex. He was feeding himself and feeding Alexa not paying me any attention. I wanted to start a conversation with him, but I couldn’t think of anything to talk about other than what we’ve been arguing about for the past few days.

“Is there any way we can talk about it without arguing?” Alex asked, catching me off guard.

“Is there anything I can say to convince you not to leave?” I questioned.

Alex sighed and put his fork down. He looked down at his hands for a minute, thinking to himself. “I feel like I’m getting a second chance to have my dream career. You know if there was any way I could do this without leaving you both I would. I want us to be happily married with our own place like we talked about, but part of me will always regret not chasing after my real dream if I don’t do this. And don’t think of it as me leaving you both behind. Think of it as me going to do this so we’ll have a better life in the future; so I won’t have to get some lame job that doesn’t play nearly as much. I’ll be able to provide you and Alexa with the life you both deserve, Jay.”

“Alex, the money won’t mean a thing to us if you’re not here with us.” I sighed.

Alex seemed so passionate about this, and I hated that I couldn’t support him in following his dream, but I still didn’t want him to go. Even if it was for months at a time, it was going to be hard on us. I watched as Alex tapped his foot and run his finger through this hair; something he always did when he needed a cigarette.

“...it doesn’t seem like either of us are going to give in.” He said, and I nodded in agreement. “So where do we go from here?” He asked, and I bit my lip.

“I think you know...”

Notes

I really excited about this story! I have a few chapters written, but I don't know how I'm going to end it yet.

Also go check out my other story called Your're the Cherry I'm a Cigarette found here: http://www.alltimelowfanfiction.com/Story/91186/Youre-the-Cherry-Im-a-Cigarette/