Just Tell Him

I looked down at the plastic tips of my shoes.


What was once white was now scuffed with dirt and splattered with black paint. Smeared along the sides of my soles which showed the markings were in no way intentional. Just a mess that could not be cleaned up. Much like the black fabric that made up the majority of my Converse that were now blotchy shades of black and rusted brown from facing the changing seasons once through already.


The distressed material beyond repair served only to bare my feet. And make my black jeans appear clean as they clung to my legs. The rips in the denim let the autumn air kiss my skin as I watched the leaves rustle and shift from around my feet, blowing in the dainty breeze.


It was weather like this, that could be taken on by no more than jeans and a light hoodie that I loved. Weather I knew would be tainted by the memory of that day forever. Forcing me to cherish every moment I had left in it whist I still felt whole and content.


My boney hands found shelter in the sleeves of his hoodie, which I wore like it were my own. The bright red cloth meshing with the vibrant shades of auburn and ruby that danced like the falling leaves against the misty gray sky.


I knew I shouldn’t have been there, staring at the old oak tree in my front yard. I should have been one street over holding him and begging him not to go, to stay there with me forever. Something I knew deep down I would never be able to do. Oh, though I wish I could of. Had the guts to tell him to stay.


I looked back down at my toes, shoving my sleeve covered hands in the hoodie’s pockets. Blinking harder when I felt the shift in the air and my throat constrict around the thinning atmosphere. I didn’t have to look to know, I just felt it. Him. Just him being near me made the silence grow unbearable and my fight to stay silent snap clean in half.


“You shouldn’t be here, Alex.” I forced out. The words nearly inaudiblefrom my obviously strangled tone.


But still, I did not bother to repeat myself as I looked away from where I knew he stood and bit my lip. The sounds of leaves cracking under his advancing weight told me he knew the truth of my words just as well as I did and didn’t care. He stepped up beside me and allowed for me to hang my head straight down again. His similar shoes standing just off in my peripherals.


“I had to say goodbye.” He spoke out in a voice so alien to my ears. The words coming out scratched and bruised having been slowly beaten by his horsed, gravely tone. A tone I heard once or twice before. But had somehow forgotten somewhere along the stream of laughter and fondness that was our friendship. “I couldn’t just leave without seeing you, it wouldn’t be right.” He said slowly. Again, with a voice that scraped at my brain to feel his pain. To remember it and never forget it.


I had to look away completely. My eyes going up and over my shoulder in the opposite direction of the one he stood. It wasn’t ever supposed to be this way, I was never supposed to feel this pain. I'd sworn to myself that and I'd failed. I let the silence strangle us out of self-pity and a better lack of words. Feeling and seeing my vision begin to blur despite my fight.


This was inevitable.


“Renna?” He tried as I shut my eyes and let the sensation of his touch take over. The feeling being too much for the moment in time as he ran a long-fingered hand down my arm to retrieve my own from the pocket of the red hoodie. The one that coincidentally belonged to him. “Wren… please?” He pleaded as he lowered the hand holding mine now, and slowly linked our fingers with ease. Making my mind swim and my stomach flutter in resentful delight.


My heavy head fell down from its turned stature and hung from my neck in defeat. “What do you expect me to say, Alex?” I asked gently on a shaky tone which I had zero strength left in me to control. My volume and letters scattered and fluxing only making the small phrase seem forced. My fight beginning to slip through the fingers being held by Alex’s. “What am I supposed to say to you right now?” I whispered as my eyes began to sting and I knew that I was crumbling at the seems.


He let out a long stringy breath that sounded as distressed as my mind had felt. The sound oddly putting me at ease as his hand squeezed my own. “I don’t care…” He hushed out. “I don’t care what you say, but please say something Renna. I can’t take this silence anymore!”


‘Stay!’ My mind screamed as I shut my eyes again and let my tears welt within the confines of my eyelids. Never to fall without my permission. I bit down on my lip to silence my head but it rained on. 'Stay with me, I love you and I don’t want you to leave, so just fucking stay!’ I begged from within my head. Only my mouth did not agree with my mind. My head shook, brown colored curls falling into my face and kissing my flushed cheeks like the breeze.


I sighed. “I don’t know.” I breathed out causing Alex to choke on a thick, deep breath. I couldn’t contain my sniffle as the sound filled the now bitter air. “I don’t know okay, I just can’t believe you’re actually going away!” I whimpered before I hiccupped a gasp and my shoulders began to shake.


The suppressed sobs from pent up weeks which have passed, finally fell out of me. My own trembling lips and shaking bones betraying me. Putting everything I'd been working so hard to hide from him on full display for his viewing.My eyes snapped open to shot to his. Letting his milk chocolate irises see the way my blue orbs pricked vibrant with fear and twinkled from the fresh gloss of my now falling tears. Their blue color looking brightest when I felt dullest.


I had refused to cry at all after the night he had first told me he and the guys were going away. I'd forced myself into a closet for an entire night of pure solitude. Allowing my self-drowning sadness to freely consume me as it wished. But since that first night I had been holding it all in, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Not with him standing beside me, holding my hand.


“Hey, hey, it’ll be okay!” Alex rushed as he dropped my hand and wrapped his arms tightly around me, to hold me flush against his chest. The contact which was meant to be soothing only made me feel worse. Causing the tears to fall harder and faster from my sore eyes. “Wren, everything is going to be all right!” He hushed me. He then bound his arms around my shoulders and nuzzled his head into my neck. Just like he’s always done. His lips numbing my skin ever so slightly as he mumbled, “it’s just a few weeks Wren, I promise. I’ll be back. It's just a few weeks.”


“No!” I choked out as I tried to pull away slightly. My chest heaving, eyes stinging and throat running dry as I looked up into Alex’s terrified eyes. “It’s not just a few weeks can’t you see!” I cried out, pushing him off of me as tears shamelessly ran down my rosy cheeks.


"See what, Wren?"


“At first, it’ll just be three weeks, then four, then a month, then two months, till eventually- you’re never home!” I exclaimed, not skipping a beat now to spew my words. I sniffled violently as wiped at my eyes in a feeble attempt to slow my tears by drying their tracks. “Sure, you will try to keep contact. But come on Alex, we both know soon enough you and I will drift apart. Let’s face it, friendships don’t last in lives like yours!” I mumbled out sadly before fumbling my contact with his golden orbs and finding my dirty shoes once again, the most fascinating thing in town.


It was like the realization that Alex was actually leaving in what that would mean for us had finally washed over me like a tsunami. I was now just sitting in the serene eye of the storm. Waiting for the rest of the destruction to crash down over me like it had before. Everything I'd been denying entrance to my mind now flooding it at full force.


But Alex wasn’t seeing things the way I was- he never did.


I always just assumed that it was because he was so much taller than me that he saw the world in such a different light. But maybe it’s just those golden eyes that find the good in everyday life that I failed to notice and or possess the same power as he. That tick, that gave him the strength to reach out and hold my face in his hands after my words had escaped me. Rough palms clutching my soft cheeks as he wiped my tears away from their streams. The strength to look me in the eyes with a sad expression and still pull a smile, no matter how forced it was.


The strength to say, “Well then can we at least make the most of what little time we have left?” as his hands slid from my face to my shoulders.


“Yeah, okay…” I scoffed sarcastically as I rubbed my nose with the sleeve of his hoodie and sniffled without shame. Looking off to the side once again. “What time is that? You should probably already be gone…” I bitterly acknowledged. Resentment pinching my tone from the conflict I was battling in my head.


Debating whether or not to just throw myself at him and tell him that I had fallen for him like I know I really couldn't before it was too late. Or to simply say nothing at all and let him slip away as previously planned. Either option weighing as insane and impossible.


“I should be gone, yes.” He admitted softly, the confession catching my ear, “but I’m not gone, I’m here!” He stressed gently as I looked down at our feet. Taking in their drastic size difference and sighed.


His tone threw me through a loop as it was practically driving me to see something I knew wasn’t there. I wasn’t ready to be thrown to the wolves over him just yet. His tone was one of desperate pleading. As if this were his final chance to tell me something, but what, I did not know. The whole situation was eating me alive in rapid succession.


“Hey, Wren don’t cry…” He hushed me softly again as he pulled me back into his chest. Holding my head over his heart. Indirectly letting me hear its sporadic beating from within his chest that soothed me and somehow started to calm me down. But Alex didn’t let the silence consume us for nearly as long as I'd secretly wished. He opened his mouth just a few stretched seconds later and said, “It’s a ten-minute walk to Jack’s house were the guys are with the van,” gently and ran his fingers through my curly-Q hair. “Don’t make me walk it alone…”


I shut my eyes for a second or two as his words processed in my brain. Ten minutes. That was all I had left with him was ten minutes, then he'd be gone.The beginning of a new forever that would end years of friendship.


My eyes clamped shut at the thought as I clung to Alex tighter, holding on just knowing that when I let go it would all slip away. How is that possible? How is it that so many memories will be all but just that, memories in mere minutes that were ticking by into the silence? Silence Alex seemed to have taken as an acceptance of his request as he unwound his arms from me with a struggle before he tangled his hand in my small icy one once again. Soon beginning to guide us across the lawn.


Shoes crunching leaves before scratching side walk and carrying us absentmindedly through the path we knew by heart. Just the two of us walking the same path he and I had many times before as I had acquainted him to many band practices and writing sessions. A path I had laughed along and a path Alex had carried me through on his back. Heavy feet hitting the side walk when he'd swayed from one side to another under my shifting body weight.


Sidewalks where Alex first held my hand and made terrible jokes I laughed at for the Hell of things. All these memories that were never truly appreciated that had taken place on those very sidewalks were all flowing back. I had to squeeze his hand to keep me grounded as the overflow was quickly becoming too much on my throbbing brain causing it to violently ache.


Being friends with someone like Alex is amazing. Until one day you begin to notice small things about them you hadn’t seen in the weeks before. Alex is the type of guy that you fall for in an instant and feel slipping away the next. Slowly losing him more and more each and every day until the time comes where you are both walking hand in hand to willingly give him away to a new day and a different life.


One they will live without you.


And there is not a thing you can do but sit and swallow the pain that life is spoon feeding you and pretend like you’re unfazed. So that he can move on and better his life without you in the way. That is just the way it has to be. And I knew that when I was foolish enough to fall for him and dumb enough to never let him know.


But it was too late for that now.


I had already lost him; the decision was made weeks ago. And what would telling him now do? It would only make everything even more painful which was something I did not want, not at all. Nor was it something that I thought I could even handle. Specially with the dangling fact that the silence of the situation alone was strangling me.


And I knew my ten minutes were nearly withered away when we took the turn and I could see Jack’s home just a stone’s throw down the road. I could practically feel the tears swelter again till Alex yanked my hand subtly and substantially slowed our pace. My curiosity forcing me to look sideways at him.


Alex’s moderately angular features were carved by thoughts and his bottom lip was pulled between his teeth. His thick brows were raised behind his swaying bangs. Eyes holding a look of conflict and confusion as he scowled in the pain which made up the concoction that was his expression in that moment.


An expression that had me hopelessly trying to uncover what was going on in that mind of his. Whist trying to ignore the pain in my own brain. It was just a lot to sense and digest when practically losing the best-friend I’ve ever had. I just didn’t know how I was supposed to react.


I felt so small and helpless like I wanted him to stay but could never say so, and because of that he would leave and drift away. Promising to keep me close only to have the promise shattered. Just like the one I had made to myself to never fall in love with Alexander Gaskarth.


Look where promises got me.


My mind was screaming to just tell him, but all my body would allow was for me to shimmy my body closer to his. Resting my head on his moving bicep as we walked the last two houses in silence before coming to a stop.


Just a few yards short of the dormant van.

Notes