Alex stayed awake for the longest time that night, the spot on his head that Jack just kissed still tingling from the contact. He bit his lip to hide a smile, though he knows that no one could see him – frankly, it was the only thing that made him smile. Other than the memory of Jack’s soft lips finally against his after the longest time, of course.

Kissing Jack was the best and worst decision of all time; he’s been shifting towards the latter due to recent events, but there was no denying or ignoring the sparks that went off in his head when it finally happened. When he and Jack kiss, Alex likes to think that everything else doesn’t really matter; he can’t think straight when Jack’s just that close. The feeling Alex gets is something so foreign, something only Jack could fully provide. It’s like a mix of protection, want, need, and love. It’s so corny and cliché, but it’s just the way it is, and Alex loves every bit of it.

Jack muttered something in his sleep and tightened his grip around Alex, making the older boy feel even more secure than ever. The arm away from Alex draped itself across his torso messily, so his fingers grazed Alex’s tummy; he shivered slightly at the contact. That arm had 3 bandages on it to cover the new wounds, but through the darkness, Alex could see the ones that were fading, and others that were still healing; his stomach dropped at the sight.

9. 9 fucking scars on that wrist, and that wrist alone. Alex knew that there were more scattered around the rest of his body, but those 9 were enough for him. He wanted to know every story behind each and one of those scars. He wanted memory of it to fade along with the scars, but he knows it doesn’t work that way, so he wants to help. Even if he won’t get Jack to pursue a relationship with him, he’ll still do everything he can to help him. Like Jack said, they’re still best friends.

Yet, Alex realized as a lump formed in his throat, perhaps that bar of friendship they had set in the past is unattainable. In itself, this whole snuggling together on a bed thing has proven an awkward start for the both of them. Trying not to make it any less comfortable, Alex stayed away, but Jack seemed persistent on getting closer. How on earth could he forgive Alex so easily? The only answer in his mind was that Jack was forcing himself to be his best friend because he sort of forced him into it during that first Music Room incident. He wouldn’t want Jack to force himself into it just for the sake of it; to be forced into doing something means work, and not play; and Jack always gets tired of work.

At the first peek of sunrise Alex spotted out the glass door Jack had leading to his balcony, he put his thoughts to rest and let the sleep take him into a dreamless slumber.

~*~*~*~

Jack slept dreamlessly that night, and woke up on his own accord. He untangled himself from Alex, and walked out to the little table and chair set-up he had on his balcony, sighing as he sat and scrolled through the messages from Cassadee asking where he was and why he ditched. It was past sunrise – probably 9 – so he decided to give her a call.

“Baby boy! What happened to you yesterday?” Her bright tone greeted him, and he couldn’t help but smile. He half expected her to be mad at him, but knowing Cassadee, she wouldn’t be; she’s too forgiving for her own good.

“Just felt a bit ill, so I went home early,” he lied easily. Lying to Cassadee was the shit among it all, but he couldn’t just tell her; he didn’t want to be another problem among all else. He’ll tell her eventually, that’s for sure – either that or she’ll find out on her own.

“Aww, Jacko! You feeling better? Do you need me to come over?”

“No thanks, Cass, I’m fine already. Probably just overreacted,” he chuckled lightly. Jack normally can’t stand it when people baby and fawn over him, but it was just something about Cassadee that made him feel so at home with how genuine her care was for him, even if they’ve only known each other for less than a year. “So what happened to you yesterday?”

She was silent for a moment. “Okay, Jack, you have to swear you won’t flip at me, okay?”

“At you? Never, baby girl!” He teased.

“I’m serious, Jacko!” She laughed.

“Fine, what is it?”

Silence again. “It’s just, I need your approval for this because you’re my best mate over here, and I know you have some beef with him, and—“

“Rian, right?”

“Y-yeah, but—“

“Cass, it’s completely fine,” he said gently. “Don’t let me get in the way, okay? Just make sure you’re happy.” He was completely genuine; he and Rian used to be friends, and Rian hates his guts now, but Jack’s past that; it’s been going on even before Alex came to Baltimore. It was stupid for him to still be butthurt over it until now (that doesn’t mean he isn’t completely over it, but no one needs to know that.)

“I really love you so much, Jack, I swear. You sure?” She sighed, but sounding happy at the same time.

“I swear to shit, Cass, I really don’t mind. So how long have you been keeping this from me?”

“He only asked me yesterday! You know I wouldn’t keep stuff like this from you!” She laughed. “Okay, so he was waiting with me, and after waiting about fifteen minutes, he dragged me over to his place instead, and we just talked, and he asked, and I said sure, we could try!” He couldn’t see her, but Jack was so sure she was blushing right now. “He’s a nice guy, right? I mean, he’s always smiling, and he’s really sweet, and… Oh, I don’t know, Jack, does he only want to get into my pants?”

Jack’s input couldn’t possibly make her happy; he has no idea what Rian has turned into, and no matter how hard he tries not to judge his present persona based on past actions, his perception of him is quite tainted.

“Morning,” he heard a tired voice yawn form behind him, and he froze up. Alex dumped himself on the seat across Jack, rubbing his eyes, then smiling sleepily at him. “Since when did you get up so early?”

“Hello? Jack? Is there someone there with you?” Cassadee asked from the other line, sounding thoroughly confused. Oh shit.

Alex seemed to notice that he was on the phone, and pulled a sorry face, then brought a finger to his lips and pulled his knees to his chest, watching Jack intently. A small smile played on his lips, and Jack just rolled his eyes. “Sorry, what was it again? A, uh, car just beeped obnoxiously.” Alex raised an eyebrow at his excuse, and Jack stuck his tongue out at him.

“What if he’s into me because he thinks I’ll put out? Like, he’s so nice, but I don’t… I don’t think he’s the type, but what if he is? He abandoned you, and that’s pretty mean, but… Oh, I don’t know.”

Jack was silent for a moment. Trying not to be so awkward with Alex just watching him, trying his best figure out what Jack was talking about, he said, “Cass, you know how to choose them properly. I know you wouldn’t allow him to do that.” She muttered something he couldn’t catch, but he pressed on, “Just promise me you’ll dump him straight away if he forces you into something you’re not ready for, okay?”

“I promise, Jacko,” she giggled. “I swear, you’re the sweetest person on Earth. I’m off to get some coffee. Want me to get something for you?”

“Nah, it’s fine.”

“Okies. Love you, Jacko! Get better so we could hang, yeah?”

“Yeah, yeah. Love you, too, Cass,” he replied, ending the call and setting his phone back on the table.

Jack sighed, and looked at Alex, then sighed again because he was doing that stupid (ly cute. Wait, what?) thing where he twirls his hair in his finger and just stares at the tabletop. “Well, good morning,” Jack said awkwardly, snapping him out of his reverie. “Did you get breakfast for yourself?”

“Nah, just got up. I wanted to—“

“Oh, let’s go, then.” Jack stood up abruptly, the chair scraping against the floor noisily. He walked out of the balcony and out of the room quickly, Alex jogging slightly behind him.

“What was that about?”

“Uh… I don’t know if I can tell,” Jack said honestly, and kind of awkwardly. How could he not be awkward? He was so thankful he woke up ahead of Alex; how much more awkward would it have been if they woke up tangled in each other?

“Was it Rian and Cassadee?” He asked, making Jack stop in his tracks. Alex stopped as well. “What?”

“What do you know about that?” Jack asked sharply.

Alex touched his arm, making him freeze up, but Jack didn’t pull away. He didn’t even keep his hand there – he just touched it for a fraction of a second. A friendly, brotherly-ish touch. Why was he freaking out over it? “Dude, chill out,” the older laughed, “I just heard from Rian. It’s great to hear he finally got some balls to tell her. We’ve been waiting, what, ever since the start of the school year?” Alex started walking ahead, and it took some time before Jack followed.

“What else do you know about this? Is he going to hurt her? Is he just using her? I swear to fucking God, if he—“

“Again, chill out. You’re over-analyzing again.” Was that how obvious he was? Was Alex annoyed by that? “Rian is as genuine with Cassadee as he had ever been, I swear on my life. He really, really likes her. I think it’s the whole nice person, fantastic personality, great sense of humor, and overall vibe of her. Rian’s pretty particular about long-term stuff, and this is the most serious I have ever seen him about a girl.” Alex laughed at the look on Jack’s face, throwing an arm around his shoulders and steering him to the kitchen. “I told you, it’s nothing bad. I’ll tell you more about it over breakfast.”

Jack chose not to respond, and let him take him to the kitchen. He loved the warmth that just exuded from him, and he leaned into him slightly, hopefully unnoticeably. As they entered the kitchen, they saw that the food was all set out. It was beyond just cereal and toast – Jack was pretty sure majority of what was on the table wasn’t in his fridge last night. It was a meal fit for a fat ass family: waffles piled high, bacon stacked neatly, eggs in all forms they could possibly be, toast lying in a neat line about the length of half of Jack’s arm, cereals of all brands and kinds, and a whole ham. There was coffee in the coffee maker, tea brewing in a kettle, and a pitcher of milk on the table. Alex pulled out a seat for Jack, and he sat without minding the gesture; the food was mesmerizing.

Alex sat across Jack, looking around with a slight smirk on his face. “He really went all-out,” he said, taking his knife and fork in hand and placing food on his plate.

“He?” Jack asked, and Alex nodded. “Oh, Zack.”

Again, Alex nodded. “Yeah. He probably went home. You need him here?”

“Why, where are you going?” He said it before he thought.

“Dependent, Jacky?” Alex said cheekily. Jack bit his lip, and averted his gaze, slowly placing food on his plate. “Aww, don’t be shy, Jack! I’m just messing with you. I’m here all day and week if you need me.”

A smile crept on Jack’s face, and he looked back at Alex, who was smiling kindly at him. “Thanks,” he said in a soft tone.

“Anything for you,” Alex replied, making the younger blush lightly. “Now, about Rian and Cassadee…”

They enjoyed the rest of the meal in the sound of their chatter. Alex did most of the talking, and Jack nodded and put in his input if he had any, but they were both fine with this. It was comfortable, Jack realized a little bit into the conversation – he sat a little less straight, sat Indian-style on his seat, and smiled more. It felt… nice, he guessed. If there had to be just one word, it would be good. (Don’t blame him for the lack of emotion; Jack was never good with words.)

“Leave the dishes out for Zack,” Alex called from the living room, where he retreated to after they were both finished with their breakfast, stomachs beyond full, both boys beyond content.

“Oh no, I can—“

“Seriously, leave it out,” he laughed. “Zack will actually get mad if I even attempt to wash the dishes; he hates the mess.”

“Okay, then I’ll wash them. Really, it’s the least I could—“

“He’ll kill me all the more if he knows I let you wash them!” The older exclaimed, still laughing. Jack smiled at how happy he was this morning, and decided to just follow, dumping himself on the couch Alex was laying on. They were both silent for a while, then Alex said in a whiny voice, “Jack, I’m cold.”

“And what would you want me to do about that?” Jack asked, rolling his eyes at him playfully.

The older boy threw his arms out towards the other, opening and closing his hands in a grabbing motion. “C’mere,” he whined in the same tone. “You can be my blanky.”

Jack gulped, hoping that his eyes didn’t blow wide or anything. Intimacy? As in literal, physical intimacy? This was acceptable last night when they were comforting each other, but not now. It’s so casual – nothing’s wrong right now. This couldn’t possibly be acceptable right now; everything’s going to be fine even without the physical intimacy. He means, they could still be best friends like they were before even if it wouldn’t exactly be like before because of the lack of physical contact, but it would still be sort of the same right? The comfort of each other’s presence just like earlier, the easy chatter, and, eventually, the light and teasing name-calling and ‘arguments’? It could still work—

Alex’s hand wrapped around his wrist and tugged him lightly, disrupting his train of thought. How long had he been just sitting there doing nothing? What did Alex think he was doing? When Jack didn’t move, Alex took his other arm as well, then pulled him lightly towards him – Jack didn’t know what in him made him do it, but he just let Alex move him. The older boy made him sit between his legs, his back resting on Alex’s torso, head on his chest. Alex intertwined his fingers in Jack’s and rested their hands on the younger’s stomach. The older boy sighed contentedly, and Jack could see a small smile on his face. “See? Much better. You make a pretty good blanket, Jacky.”

“No idea how to respond to that,” Jack admitted.

“Then shut up and go to sleep.”

“We just woke up!”

“And then we ate and now we’re on a couch about to go back to sleep. It’s only 11, bro – I’m not even awake at this time. How about I set an alarm for 1, then we can go out or play video games when we wake up?” He yawned towards the end, shutting his eyes. Jack followed, not really wanting to fight back; and besides, sleep seemed pretty nice right now. “Sweet dreams, Jack.”

“You didn’t even set the alarm yet,” he reminded him, trying to ignore the swirling sensation in his stomach at the latter part of what Alex said.

“It’s in my head, dude. Trust me.”

“Whatever you say. And, uh, sweet dreams.”

Sleep wouldn’t come to the younger boy. Normally if he couldn’t go to sleep, he’d turn over on his stomach and hug the nearest pillow, but he couldn’t possibly do that now; in context, he was trapped in Alex’s arms, and Alex was technically his nearest pillow. Talk about that for an awkward almost moment. So, Jack didn’t move, and neither did he get to sleep.

What felt like an hour in – the clock said it’s only been 10 minutes – Jack was getting really restless. He had to keep from turning his head constantly because the rustling might wake the older boy, but he just couldn’t stand being still. It wasn’t that Alex was an uncomfortable pillow/blanket for him – he was beyond cozy in his arms and he fit just right in him (but no one needs to know that) – but that Jack was just awkward. If he had a choice, he’d be next to Alex, lying on his side, and have his arm around his waist in a sort of hug (but no one needs know that either.)

Jack failed to notice that Alex’s hand was moving – only his hand – and that his eyebrows were furrowed. Well, at the beginning. When he realized this, he gulped; the older’s fingers were grazing lightly on his scars. Not near it, but directly on them. A very light, feather touch that he could just probably be doing unconsciously. His finger drifted towards the freshest ones – Jack had removed the bandage before breakfast – and his touch got lighter; but that didn’t keep it from stinging.

Jack whispered a curse and winced, and freed his hand

To his surprise, Alex answered. “I’m so sorry,” he sighed. “I didn’t know that would hurt. Do you need ice or something?”

Before he could answer, Alex was gently pushing him off and rolled out from under him. When the white stuff in Jack’s eyes cleared from the sudden movement, he could already hear the rustling in the kitchen. “The ice won’t do anything,” he said when he finally found his voice.

Alex came back in the living room, tossing the ice bag to Jack, and then sitting back down next to him. “The cold’s supposed to numb the pain even for a moment. Comes in handy when you have a lazy companion.” He flashed him a quick smile.

“T-thanks,” he said, shakily. “W-why were you, uh…”

“Creepily touching your scars?” Alex shrugged. “I was thinking. Wondering why you’d do that to yourself.” They were both silent.

Blunt Alex is pre-break-up Alex – was that good, then? “I, uh, don’t have a, uh,” the younger stammered, and the other raised an eyebrow. Jack groaned, tilted his head back, shutting his eyes. “It’s a spur of the moment thing, Alex. T-that’s it I could say about it. My mind gets fuzzy, and I just do it. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the only way I know how to cope.”

“And you didn’t tell me because?”

Jack was silent for a moment. Should he be honest? “We weren’t friends,” he finally said. The answer was yes, he should be. How else will the whole anti-awkward, forever best friends thing work if he kept keeping things from him? “It’s not like I could have just went up to you and been like, ‘Hey, Lex, I’m cutting myself and I need your help with stopping!’”

“Well, I wouldn’t have minded.”

The younger looked at the other boy, raising an eyebrow. “You hated my guts. You, Rian, and that whole group of yours did. I’m pretty sure—“

“I never hated your guts, Jack,” Alex said gently. How could he be so calm about this? Jack was at the brink of exploding. “I sort of, um, had to avoid you. But I wouldn’t have if I had known that it would have this effect on you, I swear.” Jack didn’t have an answer to that; he sat there biting his lower lip, looking deep into Alex’s eyes for a lie or something – nothing. Alex heaved a sigh and tilted his head back on the couch. “Just come to me next time, okay? It frightens me.”

Jack didn’t know what made him do it, but he crawled over to Alex and placed himself on his lap, wrapping his arms around the older’s neck, and nuzzled his head in the crook of his neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, shutting his eyes and tightening his hold. “I’m really, really sorry.”

Alex kissed the side of Jack’s head and rubbed his back gently. “Me too, love,” he sighed.

Notes

Props to Good Charlotte for the chappy title!!