TRIGGER WARNING
SELF HARM

*Jack Pov*

The others had long gone to bed and fallen asleep. It is 2am, and this is probably the 4th time I've woken up within two hours. I seriously keep waking up almost every half hour. It's the same fucking dream over and over again. I walk down the familiar path that I take every Friday, but as soon as I get where I'm going, he's not there. There's just an empty grave-like hole that just seems to go on forever. Naturally, I look into the abyss that has taken residence where the familiar grass patch once resided, but something always seems to draw me in. First curiosity, then it becomes something more; something much stronger. Something throws me over the edge, and I just keep falling. I look back up to see what caused the fall, but all I see is a familiar hand reaching out towards me; however, it's always out of reach. He screams for me, but he never seems to hear me respond. Soon it just turns into pit devoid of any direction. He still calls for me, but he still can't hear me. I can sense him somewhere close to me, but as soon as he appears within reach, he's ripped away again. Then everything stops, and I jump awake before I hit the bottom of the pit. I'm not gonna lie, it's pretty terrifying. Some people say that if you ever hit the ground after you fall in a dream, you die in your sleep. Sounds like a load of bullshit to me, but for some reason, I wouldn't mind if it were. Dying in your sleep seems like a peaceful way to go. I know I have so much to live for, but there is still an overwhelming part of me that would do anything to have him back. I've almost made it about 10 times, but every time I got close to him, I woke up in some hospital. Ugh. This is why I can't be trusted to be awake late at night. I overthink everything and make myself upset. I always think about what could have been, and then I end up crying like a pathetic little bitch. I need to get back to sleep. I rolled over in my bunk, but apparently I was a little closer to the edge than I thought. I fell off my bunk and accidentally kicked Alex's bunk.

"Ow, fuck that hurt."

"J-Jack?" he whispered, his voice raspy from just waking up.

"Sorry, I went to lay on my other side, but I was closer to the edge than I thought I was. I didn't mean to wake you up. I'm sorry."

"S'okay."

I expected him to go back to bed, but instead I heard the blankets rustling as he got up. "What are you doing?"

"Bathroom," he croaked, rubbing his eyes. He opened the door to the bathroom, and I could've sworn that someone stabbed my eyes. We always had the light on in there in case someone needed to use it during the night, so we just shut the door. I automatically threw my head down to escape the bright light, but I hit my forehead on the 'bed' that was on the floor. I really can't win tonight.

"Fu-uck," I whined, holding my hand to my head. I could hear Alex quietly laughing from the bathroom. I just shook my head. What am I gonna do with that dork? A few moments later, Alex came back out of the bathroom and plopped down next to me on the floor. "What are you doing? Go back to bed. It's like 2am."

"Are you g-gonna get back in b-bed?"

"No. I like the floor."

"Then I'm gonna s-sleep down here t-too." My eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and he had a
smile on his face.

"Why?"

"S-something's wrong. What's the m-matter?" How the hell did he know that? I didn't reply. "I c-can tell you're n-not okay. I'm n-not gonna leave you al-lone." I don't know why, but those words actually made me cry. Maybe it was the feels left over from the nightmare, or maybe it was just because no one has cared enough to do that since the incident. I didn't even speak, I just threw my arms around his neck and buried my face in his neck. "Hey, let's g-get off the floor. C-come on, we can s-sit in my bunk," he whispered, guiding me up to his bed. We sat down and he instantly pulled me into his embrace. "It's okay," he breathed, rubbing my back. He leaned back and and laid us down on his pillow. I curled into his chest.

"C-Cam," I stammered, gesturing towards the bear on my bunk.

"Okay, I'll g-get him," he stated, removing my arm from his chest. He carefully scooped the bear up into his arm as if it were a child. For some reason that made me really happy. I smiled even though I was still crying. He sat so I could take Cam out of his arms. I pulled the bear close to my chest and inhaled the familiar cologne on him. It instantly calmed me down. He put his arms back around me, and I nuzzled back into his neck. Then I finally slipped into a peaceful sleep.

"Dude, wake up!" Rian yelled, stabbing my side with his finger. I automatically covered my face with my hand to block out the light.

"Ow, you fucker, that really hurt!"

"Hey, you wouldn't wake up the first three times when I tried being nice. It's not my fault that you're incredibly boney," he remarked. I looked around the room. No one else was awake. How the hell did they all sleep through his yelling.

"What time is it? Why is no one else up?" I inquired.

"I didn't know if you guys would care if they see you, so I figured I'd wake you up first just in case." Then realization slapped me in the face. I was curled up next to Alex. He had his arm around me, and my head was on his shoulder a little below his neck. I didn't have to look up to know that his face was nuzzled into my hair. I'm surprised Rian didn't start asking questions. This probably looked rather suspicious.

"Right....thanks." I moved to look at Alex; he was so cute when he slept. I may or may not have watched him sleep when I couldn't fall asleep. Not in the creepy sort of way; it was just completely tranquil. His fringe was splayed across his forehead in an unorganized fashion, yet it worked on him. His mouth was slightly agape, his bottom lip falling slightly to the left where his head had previously rested on mine. It was just adorable. I had to resist the urge to gently swipe my thumb across his cheek. He was just perfect. I smiled to myself and mustered up the heart to wake him. "Lex, hey, time to get up," I cooed, shaking him slightly. It didn't take much to figure out that he was easily frightened; I didn't want to scare him. "Lex, come on." I shook him again.

"Five more minutes, J-Jacky," he groaned, trying to roll over where I was laying. He opened his eyes and looked at me. First he smiled, but it quickly turned to panic when he realized that the light was on, and we were still kinda cuddled together.

"Hey, hey, hey," I rushed. "It's okay, Rian woke me up so we could move before the others woke up. He figured we wouldn't want the others jumping to conclusions or anything." He nodded and nuzzled into my chest.

"Mornin, Jacky."

"Morning, Lex."

"How are you d-doin?"

"Definitely better than last night," I reassured, hugging him to me. "Thank you."
Eventually, the others had woken up, we had gotten dressed, grabbed our poptarts, and started out for breakfast. Again, Alex and I hung back a little behind the group. We were walking perfectly in sync. He had pulled a brush through his messy hair and slapped on a beanie; he looked so adorable with the haze of sleep still lingering across his face. I decided to take a huge risk and move so that our arms were touching with every step. Apparently he thought that my actions were without purpose, for he moved over slightly as we walked. I did it again. This time I brushed the back of my hand against his. He looked over at me apologetically and moved over again. He seriously wasn't taking the hint. This time I brushed my hand against his, but I slid it under his (my) hoodie sleeve and gently held his hand. He looked at me slightly surprised, and I just smiled at him. Thankfully, he just squeezed my hand tighter and grinned in response.

The day was going rather slowly until we got halfway through morning rehearsal. We had a good portion of the show learned at this point. We could play and march through Magical Mystery Tour / Lady Madonna, Eleanor Rigby, and the beginning of Blackbird / Yesterday. It was only Wednesday, and yet most of us were sunburned, 7 people had passed out, and people were already starting to get irritated with each other. The closer it got to lunch, the worse it got. The temperature was climbing, arguments were starting, and there wasn't enough water on this side of hell to save us. Only one more hour until lunch. The thought kept ringing through my head. I checked my phone every 15 minutes. 45 minutes. 30. And then everything went black.

*Alex Pov*

The hours were dragging on. I was completely starving and lunch couldn't come soon enough. I was having a good day today; I felt like eating. The closer it crept, the hotter it seemed. I think it was safe to say that I had burned off the poptart from this morning. My stomach was actually starting to hurt. 30 minutes left until lunch. In my peripheral version I saw a dark figure next to me crumple. Jack. We had been standing in attention for a while, so I figured that might have been a factor. The kid next to him (some freshman) grabbed his trombone as he fell so it didn't fall on him. I instantly dropped down next to him.

"J-Jack?!" His eyes were closed and he didn't answer. "C-Come on, wake up!" I was shaking him. He opened his eyes, but they didn't look right; there was a glassy haze covering his dark irises. "Jack, c-can you hear me?" Nothing. I waved my hand in front of his face; again, nothing. "Help!" I didn't even see the people already rushing towards us. Gerard arrived first with Ms. Dawson close on his heels. Gerard pushed me out of the way and lifted his head. I didn't get to see what happened 'cause Rian was pulling me away from the scene. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. I could feel myself gasping for air and crying, yet I couldn't actually feel anything. I was just- numb. I get too attached too easily. I've known this boy for all of like a month, maybe a month in a half, I shouldn't be freaking out over him passing out. This always happens at band camp. However, they normally don't get that extreme. On top of being completely numb, I was also starting to lose track of my senses. I couldn't hear anything other than the pounding of my heart in my ears. My mind began to blur together my nightmares and reality. One second I was seeing Jack on the ground, the next I was seeing Tom. We had been at the park playing catch when he had his first episode. One second we were laughing, and the next he was on the ground completely unresponsive. That was the first time my brother almost died in the hospital. This is not something I wanted to relive. They were trying to get him to drink water, but he still wasn't really responding. Rian was still holding me back when they picked him up and carried him to the shade. Cassadee and Matt were beginning to place cold, wet towels on him. He had one wrapped around his neck, one draped around his shoulders, and one was being patted on his face periodically. It took a lot of effort, but I managed to break from Rian's grasp and run to the grass where he was laying, but they wouldn't let me near him.

"Alright, alright, everyone back on the field, he'll be okay. Just give him some room," Gerard instructed.

The parents had moved most of the lawn chairs out from under one of the pavillions so that there was room for him to lay down.

"Come on, Alex, he'll be okay," Tay encouraged, tugging my arm lightly.

After marching all the way through the first and second song, I saw a few of the parents helping Jack walk to the nurses station. He looked so weak. It was heart wrenching. Why do bad things always happen to good people? What did he ever do? He's probably the nicest guy I've met in a while; he doesn't deserve to suffer. I'd rather that be me in there practically dying. I mean, he wasn't dying, but it's still pretty scary. It took at least another 30 minutes before we finally got a water break.

"You have 15 minutes to get a drink of water, go potty, and get back on the field," Gerard announced from the top of the scaffolding.

I practically dropped my trombone on the ground and ran for the nurses station.

"Hi, honey. What do you need?" Ms. Dawson asked kindly.

"I'm f-fine. C- Can I see J-Jack?" I questioned between breaths. Man, I needed to work out more.

"Sure, he's on the cot, but he might be asleep." I nodded. "Let me know if the rag on his forehead needs to be run under cold water again." I nodded again. "Thank you, dear." With that, I started off for the back room. Jack was spread out across the small cot with a fan directly in front of him, and there were two empty bottles of water laying on the floor next to him. I was pretty sure that he was asleep, but then again, who knows. I took my chances and slowly crept up beside him, careful not to startle him.

"I can see you, Alex," He laughed, and I jumped a little.

"S-sorry, did I wake you?"

"Nah, I wasn't sleeping. Just...chillin'," he remarked, obviously finding humor in his own pun.

I shook my head. "You're awful."

"Aw, come on, Lex, you know I'm funny." I just shook my head again.

"How are you f-feeling?"

"A bit better now that I've chilled out a bit." He started giggling.

"I swear if you m-make one more f-fucking pun about this, I'm going t-to kill you,"

"Sorry, don't lose your cool," he laughed, holding his gut.

"That's it." I jumped on the cot next to him and started messing with his hair.

"Mercy! Mercy! Uncle! Uncle! Ollie ollie oxy freeze! Whatever the hell the magic word is, just please stop!" he yelled, failing to get me to stop. I felt satisfied with myself. I finally won.
And then he started tickling me. I instantly let go of him and tried defending myself from his pitiful attack.

A couple moments of horsing around and he felt that I had been punished enough. The whole ordeal was pretty funny. At this point we were both laying on the cot; my head was rested on his shoulder, his water clad shirt sticking to my face.

"So, what-t happened?"

"Kathi said it was mostly dehydration and heat exhaustion. I started to feel a little woozy, but I thought it was just because I was tired. Then I fell. Thankfully, Mel grabbed my trombone before it hit the ground."

"I th-thought it was so it d-didn't hit you," I muttered sheepishly.

"Haha. You're too nice. How are you a band kid? No, most of us care more about the instruments than we do the other marchers. Welcome to Dulaney." I love how even in the current circumstances, he still manages to continue joking. Sarcasm highly intended. There is nothing funny about this. "Isn't your water break almost over?"

"Probably. I d-don't care."

"Alex. You don't need to sit here with me. I can take care of myself." He sat up and pushed me away. "Hell, you don't even know me all that well. You have absolutely no reason to be overreacting like this." I was taken aback by his venomous words. Why was he acting like this all of a sudden? My mouth dropped slightly.

"I- I.." I couldn't even finish my sentence. I honestly felt like I had been slapped across the face. Since I met Jack, I hadn't been having as many episodes; in fact, I think I may have only had one in the last month and a half. Now my thoughts were attacking again. 'See? No one wants you. Even the boy who told you that he was gonna make sure you were okay doesn't want to see your pathetic face.' I left the nurses station. I couldn't do this. Not in here.

I pushed through the crowd of people around the water containers and took cover in the cabin. I wasn't gonna try fighting it this time. I went to my suitcase, pulled out my first aid kit, and retrieved my blade from the slim case. Great hiding place, huh? No one thinks the check my clean up kit. Then again, first aid kits are to mend you when you're hurt. That's what my blade does. It mends me when I'm hurting. Doesn't make sense to hide it anywhere else. Thankfully no one was in the cabin to see me escape to the bathroom stall. 'You should just kill yourself you worthless piece of shit. Stop annoying everyone with your presence. No one wants you. You're just taking up precious air that someone else needs. They're better off without you. You're an inconvenience. The only one who ever needed you was Tom. You should just go join him.' I pulled up my (Jack's) hoodie sleeve to reveal the warzone that is my left inner arm. Most of the lines had healed up into red soon to be scars, but there were still some raised patches where I had been picking at the wounds. I pressed the cool piece of metal perpendicular to my skin, and with every word I made another line. 'Weak. Pathetic. Worthless. Faggot. Stupid. Unwanted.' By the time I was finally satisfied, I had added around 20 new gashes to my collection. Crying wasn't helping the mess that was already dripping to the floor. Water just makes blood run worse. I didn't really care though. I needed this. I could finally breathe as the taunting thoughts raced down my arm before falling to their final resting place on the floor. 'That's right. Look at what you've done. You deserve it. He lied. Jack doesn't even want you.'

*Jack Pov*

I felt horrible for pushing Alex away, but I just couldn't do this. Every good thing that ever happens to me gets taken away. I can't risk the same thing happening. I'm still so broken. I'm being horrible and selfish, but this is what's best. Isn't it? I don't want to hurt him. This way there is only a little pain for a short amount of time rather than a lot of pain forever. Not to mention, I feel like I'm replacing him with Alex. I can't do that. Ever. I don't want to let Alex get away, but I can't let myself hold onto him. I wish there was someway I could tell him, but I just- I can't. It's too soon. Too hard to talk about. I don't know if I can even trust him. I don't want his sympathy. Why must this be so hard?

The guilt eventually got to me; I had to go check on him. I was still a little light headed, but I couldn't take it. I stumbled out of the back room to look out of the window in the main part of the cabin. I quickly located my section, but to my dismay, there was an extra gap where Alex is supposed to stand. That's weird. I felt my stomach drop. The picture of his scarred up arm flashed through my mind. No. No no no no no. I shoved the creaky door open and unsteadily jogged towards the cabin. I quietly pushed the door open. No one in sight. I was about to walk back out, but I heard soft crying coming from the bathroom. Please no. I crept up to the door, afraid of what I would find. It wasn't that hard to find him, there was a small pool of blood on the floor of one of the stalls. There was still blood dripping into it. No. My breath caught in my throat. This is my fault. He did this because of me. I'm afraid to get close to him because I'm afraid of what will happen, and yet I'm hurting him by trying to save him.

"Lex." I whispered, the name barely audible. He heard me though. He gasped and a small shiny object clattered to the floor in the middle of the puddle.

I walked a little closer to the door; I could hear him practically hyperventilating. I gently pushed on the door; thankfully it wasn't locked. The sight before me almost made me fall to my knees. The broken boy was hunched over himself, tears running down his face. I couldn't even look at his arm. All I could see was red. His head was down in shame. I wanted to wrap him up in my arms and just try to make things okay, but it didn't seem wise. I promised him that I would protect him, and yet, I'm the one he needs protection from.

"P-please l-leave," he begged in a shaky voice that was barely louder than a whisper. He still wouldn't look at me.

"I'm so sorry, Lex. I didn't want this to happen. I never meant to hurt you. I wish I could tell you, but I just can't. I can't do this. It's complicated, but I can't risk either of us getting too attached to each other. I'm sorry. I can't protect you from myself. Frankly, I'm doing a pretty shitty job at protecting you from yourself, too. I'm sorry." I reached forward to take his shaky hand, but he pulled away.

"What th-the hell was th-that for? D-did you think it w-would be f-fun to just fuck with m-me like that? P-pretend that you c-cared and then turn around and b-be a f-fucking asshole?!" His voice grew louder with every statement. He was still crying, but his eyes had turned dark, and his expression was utterly terrifying.

"No, Lex, I wouldn't do that! I just-" I couldn't find the words.

"You j-just what?!" he snapped.

"I CAN'T LET YOU REPLACE HIM!" I screamed and stormed out. I didn't even care that rehearsal was still going on. I couldn't deal with this. He'll never understand. I knew I should've stayed away. No, I have to be the asshole who went and made everything complicated. I don't even know if I'm mad at him, mad at myself, or just upset in general. I walked outside of the cabin and the field was being evacuated for lunch. Great. Now I have to go deal with even more shit. I am so done with today, and it's only lunch.

I didn't get very far before Rian found me walking towards the cafeteria.

"Hey! You're alive!" he joked.

"Sadly," I remarked irritated.

"Jack. No. Stop it." I just shook my head and continued toward the cabin. "Hey, what happened. Something's wrong." I ignored him. "Where's Alex? Is he okay? He never came back from water break... Jack, don't ignore me," He hit my arm.

"I don't want to talk about it," I snapped, my voice turning rough from holding everything back.

He grabbed me, spun me around to face him, and glared at me. "I don't care. Talk to me, Jack. Whether you want to tell me or not, I'm going to find out. I'd rather hear the story from you. Now what is wrong?"

"I can't do this, Ri."

"Can't do what?"

"Alex. I- I can't be friends with him."

"Why not? Dude, he was practically made for you."

"I went off on him twice today. I feel like- I feel like I'm unintentionally trying to replace-"

"I understand. You don't have to say anymore."

"Rian. I- I-" I didn't want to accept the reality of it. "He- I- I went to check on him in the cabin because I felt bad for snapping at him, and- I found him in the bathroom..." I kept pausing, shaking my head, and taking shallow, shaky breaths. "Blood- there was a small puddle on the floor. I could see it under the stall door. And I heard crying. I knew it was him. I made him do it. I made him relapse." My eyes began to water. Damn. I'm not a crier, and yet this kid brought me to tears so easily. He just seemed so fragile, like if you even looked at him wrong, he would break.

"Jack, it's n-"

"YES, IT IS. I SNAPPED AT HIM. I TOLD HIM THAT HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ME AND THAT HE HAD NO BUSINESS BEING SO DAMN CONCERNED ABOUT ME. I PRACTICALLY TOLD HIM THAT I DIDN'T NEED HIM AND THAT HE WAS BEING CLINGY AND IRRITATING. I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME!"

"Jack, Jack, calm down," he rushed, grabbing my arms and forcing me to look at him.

"I guess the idea of being able to find comfort in someone else just made me freak out. I don't want him to think that I'm trying to replace him. I could never do that."

"Jack, you know damn well that he wouldn't think that. He would like Alex. And I can guarantee you that he would be happy to know that Alex can comfort you. He would want you to be with him. I know Alex makes you happy. He would want you to be happy. He'll always be there. He's always got his eye on you, and right now, he's probably really mad that he can't physically slap you for trying to push Alex away." I laughed. Dammit Rian. He always knew what to say. "Now, you're going to patch things up with Alex."

"He's never gonna forgive me..." I hung my head down as we walked. We were only a few steps from the lodge porch.

"You don't know that."

"I fucked up big time." We walked to our table.

"Hey, how are ya feeling?" Cass chirped from her spot next to Rian.

"Pretty shitty."

"Is Momma Dawson gonna make you stay in the nurses cabin after lunch?"

"No, I'm fine. I was just dehydrated."

"But you just said-" she was cut off by Rian whispering something in her ear. I already knew he was telling her about me and Alex. Then again, it's pretty obvious that you're talking about someone when you continuously look over at the empty spot that they normally occupy.
"Jack, as hard as it's going to be, if you really care about Alex, you need to tell him. We know you don't want to because it's only been like a month and a half, and you don't know if you trust him, but he'll understand. Every once in a while you meet someone that you just click with. You know that. Even if things move quickly, you're okay because they're going on the ride with you. Just like Rian and I. Trust me, I can see it no matter how hard you two try to hide it. You guys definitely have feelings for each other, and you both would do anything to protect the other. It's rare, Jack. Don't be afraid of it just because it's unfamiliar territory. Good things take time, but great things happen in the blink of an eye. Yes, I just quoted Hannah Montana, but the statement is still true. You know you can trust him. Like I said, he'll undertand." I looked down at the table. Cass is right. I'm still uneasy about it, but perhaps that would be for the best. At least then he would understand why I keep flipping out all of the time. Why do things have to be so complicated? "Jack?" I didn't even really hear her. There are so many things that can go wrong.

"Jack, I know it's terrifying. I lived it with you. You became so disconnected, so- shattered. And I know that there will always be a little piece that's missing, but I honestly believe that if you just let Alex in, he might be able to put what pieces are left back together. I think you should tell Alex," Rian murmured, his hand on my shoulder reassuringly.

"T-tell me wh-what?" Alex croaked, climbing into the vacant spot beside me. I didn't respond. I just kept my head down and stared at the table. The atmosphere was extremely awkward. This whole thing was just destined for disaster. All good things come to an end. I was pulled out of my thoughts by a light pressure on my thigh, a few inches above my knee. I froze. I realized that it was Alex, and I instinctively relaxed. I wanted to flinch away, yet my body wouldn't allow me to do so. Gerard began introductions, but I wasn't paying attention to him. I was more focused on the boy next to me. Despite the eruptions of cheers as announcements continued on, I still managed to pick out a quiet, familiar whisper out of the rukus. "Hey. I'm s-sorry for being an ass earlier. I over-r-reacted. I'm j-just an unstable p-piece of shit. I'm sorry." His hand squeezed my leg slightly. "F-forgive me?" Is he serious? I triggered him into a relapse, and he's the one asking for forgiveness? I looked up to meet his gaze. His eyes were still red from crying, but there wasn't anger in his eyes anymore. It was something indistinguishable. Concern? Sympathy?

"No," I said firmly. He removed his hand from my thigh and looked down at the table. Well, I guess if I'm going to make my life insanely complicated, I might as well do it thoroughly. I placed my index finger under his chin, my thumb on the skin by the corner of his mouth and gently turned his head so that he was looking at me again. I didn't remove my hand; his breath was really shallow. "I don't forgive you because you have nothing to apologize for. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I keep going off on you without any explantation, and I don't care what you say, I know damn well that you cut because of me." He opened his mouth to speak, but I quickly placed my thumb over his lips. He pressed his lips back together, and I moved my hand to caress his cheek, my thumb brushing across the smooth skin in a steady rhythm. "You don't deserve this. You deserve answers. Tonight is the dance. Usually it's either all freshman or pot heads. However, we don't actually have to go. We just kinda get to do what we want. I want you to come with me to the back field. Then I'll tell you everything. Okay?" He nodded, and I removed my hand from his cheek.

Gerard finally got around to calling the juniors for food. Lunch didn't really look all that appetizing, but I was starving, so I guess it was better than nothing. Thankfully, tonight is pizza Wednesday. We sat back down at our table, and Alex intertwined his fingers with mine. Wow. That's new. He usually shies away from making the first move. I like this. I reassuringly squeezed his hand, and he smiled. We were sitting really close, too. I don't think the others noticed due to the lack of room at our table, but our legs were resting comfortably against each other. Our hands were resting on our thighs. As much as I wish it didn't, this felt...right. Oblivious to our little moment, the others continued to chat about the hustle and bustle of the morning. Everyone looked so happy. Why can't I be like that? I'm too busy contemplating how I'm going to explain everything to Alex. I was definitely going to need Cam for this. Alex noticed my tension; he started rubbing his thumb across the back of my hand, silently assuring me that things were okay.

I don't know if it was Alex's sudden courageous flirting, or what, but that lunch seemed to fly by. Before I knew it we were being dismissed to go back to our cabins. As soon as we stepped off of the lodge porch, Alex bumped my arm. Apparently this was some signal that went over my head, but he proceeded to intertwine his fingers with mine. Not to sound like a teenage girl, but my stomach was definitely doing flips, and I knew from the heat on my cheeks that I was blushing. It was kind of obvious that I was crushing hard on this kid. I'm pretty sure he felt the same way, for he was also blushing, his amazing smile plastered on his face. It was precious. We were the first ones back to the cabin. I let go of Alex's hand and went to grab the stuff I needed before I headed back out to the field. Alex, however, had a different idea. He grabbed my hand again and began pulling me towards his bunk. What on Earth is he thinking? Naturally, my mind went to dirty images of us making out, but he definitely doesn't seem like that type. Especially considering someone could walk in at any time. He sat down, propped his pillow against the wall, and patted the spot next to him. I hesitantly took it. He instantly started pulling on my arm softly. Fortunately, I knew what this signal meant. I placed my left arm around his shoulders and pulled him into my side. This definitely made more sense. He seemed like a cuddle person. He snuggled up into my side, laid his left arm across my torso, and nuzzled into the crook of my neck. He's so cute. His lip curled into a lazy smile, and my heart absolutely melted. I still don't want to get too invested too quickly. I need to talk to Cam first. Then maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to do this. Until then, I'm gonna have to be careful.

The rest of the day passed in a blur. It rained quite a bit, so we were stuck in the cabins for a while. There isn't normally much to do other than play guitar or bullshit with the guys, but this time someone, Justin I think, brought a deck of cards. The guys put most of the food on the shelf by the door, so they could use the picnic table. Alex and I opted out of the game to cuddle in his bunk.

"Hey, anyone got spoons?" Patrick questioned from his spot on the bench. Alex gave me a confused look.

"Wh-why do they need spoons t-to play cards?" He asked quietly.

"Are you serious?" He just stared at me. Oh my god. He's serious. "Spoons? The card game? Everyone turns into complete vultures and starts violently fighting over utensils?" He looked terrified. "It's fun, haha. You'll have to play with us one day." He quickly shook his head. "It'll be fine," I reassured, placing my index finger under his chin to raise his face to meet mine. I pressed our foreheads together. "I'll protect you." He blushed and nuzzled his nose against mine. I honestly couldn't describe the happiness I felt in this moment. For just a second I felt okay. I felt more than okay. Something about the fragile boy in my arms made things seem okay.

"Hey, if you guys could pause the make out fest that's about to happen for a sec," Vic began and started laughing. I flipped him off. "Do you have any spoons?"

"No. Just use something else. Just use pencils. You and Matt have a shitload of them," I responded.

"Hm. True. Why didn't we think of that?" I shook my head and turned my attention back to Alex.

This is pretty much how all of the time spent in the cabin went over. The guys continued playing their ravenous game, and Alex and I continued cuddling. It was pretty great.

Sadly, the day was coming to an end and the back field was beginning to call my name. I was not ready for this. I don't think I'll ever be ready for this. There's no easy way to tell this story, but I guess if I want to keep Alex around, I'm going to have to tell him. He doesn't deserve to have to deal with my sudden outbursts without an explanation. I walked from the field, put my instrument away in the cabin, grabbed Cam and an extra blanket, and set off for the back field. Gerard told us that we were to stay on the front field and within those proximities, so there wasn't going to be anyone to disturb us. I stumbled into the open field, picked a spot, laid the blanket down, and laid back on the soft material. Now just to wait for Alex.
I must have been way more exhausted than I thought because Alex woke me up when he got to the spot.

"Hey. S-sorry. I didn't want t-to wake you, but it seemed l-like this was important," he rushed, nervously fidgeting on the blanket next to me.

"S'okay. I didn't mean to fall asleep. Band camp is kicking my sleeping schedule's ass, haha."
He giggled. Man, he was so adorable. We both stopped laughing at the same time, and the atmosphere became very awkward.

"S-so... what'd you want t-to talk to me about?" I slowly took a deep breath. My lungs wanted to close, and my head was telling me to panic, but I refused to crack. Not this time. He pulled me off of my back and into his arms. "You're ok-kay," he cooed, and I nodded my head and buried my face in the crook of his neck. After a few moments, my heart had chilled out. I pulled away.

"Alex." I paused looking for the words, but my mind was blank. "I'm- I'm sorry for all the times in the last few weeks that I've gone off on you. I don't mean to, but I can't help it. It just..." I tapered off and hung my head. I don't think I can do this. Alex began rubbing my back.

"It-t's okay, Jack. Take your t-time." I could already feel my eyes beginning to water. I hugged Cam closer to me.

"It just hurts so fucking much," I whispered. I felt a sharp pain in the chest, and I closed my eyes tightly, thus causing the tears to finally spill. I took a few deep, ragged breaths and whispered, "I'd do anything to see him again. I miss him so fucking much." That's when my heart broke. I lost it. I completely started sobbing. Alex quickly threw his arms back around me and held me close, whispering that things were okay and he was there. I tightly wrapped my arms around him in response, hoping that just maybe the embrace would hold my shattered pieces together.

"Wh-who is 'him'?" He asked carefully.

I took another deep breath. "Cam."

Notes

This is officially the last chapter updated on my old account. Anything from here on out is new and can only be found on this version of the story. I hope you all still enjoy! Feel free to comment and subscribe :)

-Em