“You’re just a daydream away, I wouldn’t know what to say if I had you. And I’ll keep you a daydream away, and just watch from a safe place, so I’ll never have to lose.”

A week went by, and Alex never tried to talk to me. One day, I ended up being right next to him in the lunch line and he didn’t even bother to look at me. Another night, our names got pulled for the same game of beer pong and he dropped out, and he wasn’t even going to be on my team. I made the right decision, I kept telling myself. But I felt alone. I talked to my band, and that was it. I wanted this tour to be filled with friendships, and fun nights, and not worrying about boys.
I started to feel sorry for Alex, maybe he had just wanted to be friends and I ruined it. I could be getting drunk with him, and Jack and the guys from Pierce the Veil; instead I’m in my bunk. Eating my weight in Smart Popcorn and binging Netflix. I shove back my bunk curtain and head for the lounge, knowing I would find my brother, Paul, there. He was slouched over his guitar, jotting something down into his notebook. I shouldn’t disturb his creative flow but he was all I had.
“I gotta talk to you Paul.”
He grunted in response and I knew that was my cue to continue.
“So, uh, what do you think about Alex Gaskarth?”
“The singer for All Time Low?” he asked, never looking up from his book.
“Uh huh.”
“He’s a cool guy.”
“A cool guy?”
He sighed, and finally gave up the note taking. “Yes, Caroline. Why? You like him or something?”
“I don’t know him.”
“Then go find out for yourself…oh wait, you don’t talk to guys. We all the same.” He rolled his eyes on that last sentence, which was my cue to grab the pillow on the couch and hit him over the head.
“Hey!” he yelled, and looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I was. Maybe there was good guys, Paul was a good guy as far as I could tell. He and his girlfriend had been together since their freshman year, and as far as I was concerned, they were a perfect match. But perhaps, they were just lucky enough to cross paths in this lifetime. Perhaps, that wasn’t going to happen to me. I was destined to run into douchebags, mind running strictly off of what their dicks told them to do.
Paul would always tell me otherwise, assuring me there was good ones and I was going to find one, and that he’d kick the asses of all who didn’t treat me well. But, that never happened and I never found a good guy.
“I just wanted your opinion, jerk.” I felt tears spring into my eyes. Paul could tell I was really beat up about this, and stood up placing his hands on my shoulders.
“I’m sorry, sis. Look, I know where you stand on the issue and I get it. But exactly, you don’t know him. Cut the guy some slack. You can’t hate him just because he’s a dude.”
I nodded and swiped at my eyes. I was being crazy, and I ruined a perfectly good friendship. We could just be friends. Would Alex want that? What if I fell for him in the process? Could it really be a good idea to give him a chance?
Paul nudged me, “go fix what you messed up.”
I sighed and nodded one more time, before giving my brother a hug.
“Thanks, Paul.”
“Any time.” He returned my embrace then quickly went back to his guitar.
And I was on my way; on my way to apologize for the mess I started. Off to break my own heart.
****

Stepping out of the bus, the cold air slammed into my face. It’s the middle of June and it’s cold up here in Pennsylvania. Being from the south, it’s hard to get used to it being cold some days in the summer. I knew I should put a jacket on but I ignored my common sense and started looking for Alex.
I had to ask around but I finally found All Time Low’s tour bus. It took me a few minutes to build the courage to knock but I did, so softly hoping they wouldn’t hear me and I could crawl back into my bunk and hide there the rest of tour. After a few moments, a very drunk Jack swings the door open and almost hits me right in the nose. I send a quick thank you up to God for my quick reflexes.
“Hey you!” he yells at me, pointing at my face.
I laugh, “is Alex there?”
“Yes, of course he is!”
“Would he be willing to come out, and talk to me for a second?”
I can see he’s really thinking this over, and either he’s really wasted and can’t comprehend, or Alex has mentioned how much he hates me and never wants to speak to me. A few seconds passes and my anxiety starts to rise then he swings himself back into the bus. Subconsciously, I started to walk away when I hear him yell, “Alex, ya girl is here for you!”
“Shut the fuck up, man.” I hear Alex say, trying to be quiet. Then Alex appears at the door, he’s wearing tight dark jeans and a jean jacket over a tshirt. I can tell he’s not as drunk as Jack, but tipsy when he grabs the door knob to catch himself.
“Is this a bad time?” I ask.
“No…no, it’s not.” He responds, and runs his fingers through his hair then steps out the bus. He stumbles, then catches himself and we’re a few inches apart so I back away. I can see the hurt in his eyes, and I feel like such a bitch. I never meant to hurt Alex by assuming all he wanted was to use me, I was just sick of getting hurt. I felt so messed up in the head, but I had to protect myself. I looked down at my feet, my anxiety coming back to haunt me.
“Um, I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for what I said the other night, and I was wondering if maybe, we could…start over?” I’m startled by the feeling of Alex’s fingers under my chin, he lifts my face up to his and we make eye contact.
“You can’t even look at me, Caroline.” Once again, we’re so close but I don’t back away. He’s right, it’s so hard for me to look people in the eye when apologizing. I wipe my shaky hands off on my pants, and take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.” Tears spring into my eyes, and I think to myself how stupid I must look. I normally don’t open up to anyone but here I go. “I um, building relationships freaks me the hell out sometimes. This freaks me out, I know I don’t know you and that’s why I came to apologize for assuming something so terrible about you. I’ve just…I’ve…”
“Been hurt a lot.” He finishes my sentence, and I’m thankful because my voice cracked on my last words and I was on the verge of losing it.
“’Been hurt a lot’ is almost an understatement.” I force a laugh. He moves his fingers from my chin, the feeling of his touch still burning my skin; I hadn’t even realized he was touching me this whole time.
“I won’t ask that kind of relationship from you. I never meant for you to think I was out for you like that.” He clears his throat, and catches himself, “I mean, uh, not that I wouldn’t be interested in that…because you’re…I…uh, I’m gonna shut up now.” He extends his hand, “Hi, I’m Alex, can we start again?”
I can’t help but laugh, and I take his hand. I hadn’t mean to look offended when he said he wasn’t interested in dating me. I wasn’t interested in dating anyone, but was there something wrong with me that made people not want to date me too?
“Yes, please.”
He smiles a big smile, “Good, I’m sorry I’m so stupid right now.”
“It’s okay. I feel pretty stupid right now too.” I smile back and wipe the remainder of my tears away.
“You’re not stupid.” He looks back at the tour bus, then back at me. “You wanna get out of here?”

“For sure.”

Notes