Mickey’s POV:

“Mickey!” The male voice barked at me loudly. “Readjust that light, will you? I can’t see shit right now.”

I sighed but still did as I was told. I didn't really get a say. It was already pure luck that I was here. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to be anywhere close. This wasn’t my job. I was the person that had to file paperwork, that had to reply to emails, and had to go out on coffee runs for everybody else. There was no reason for me to be here fixing a light and pointing it towards the couch for the camera.

Well, other than that my coworker called in sick and nobody else wanted to work on a Saturday. I didn’t either, but I didn’t really have a choice. If I had, I would have given the offer a hard decline, walked away, and never turned back. It was either show up, set up, and do the job or get fired. And I couldn’t afford to get fired. Literally.

What was the job, you may ask? Well, it was an amazing fun-filled interview with–

“Hey, sorry we’re la– Mickey?” Jack walked in and came directly face to face with me, freezing in his tracks.

The other boys from All Time Low, ones I used to call my friends, nearly walked right into him, unable to predict the abrupt stop. All of their eyes were on me. My heart rate increased. I knew they were going to be here, I had had some time to prepare, but I didn’t know what to do.

“Hi,” I responded and focused back on the screw that needed tightening so it would hold the adjustments I just made.

“You’re just going to act like this isn’t a big deal?” Rian blurted out. “We haven’t seen or heard from you in over three years!”

We were in Austin, Texas. Nowhere close to home back in Maryland. But this was my home now. I had been living here for the past three years. It was 2010 now. I hadn’t been back to the East Coast since I left. I hadn’t even left Austin since I arrived.

“You know these guys?” The guy from work who was in charge of filming asked me. When I gave a small single nod, he snorted. “No wonder you asked to be put on this job.”

Alex looked at me with wide hopeful eyes. “You asked to be put on this job?”

I couldn’t admit that it was far from the truth. That I wanted anything but to be here. I wasn’t supposed to be here. So, I just smiled softly, tightening the last clamp of the light stand.

“We’ll be ready to go in just a few moments,” I told them and turned around to grab the questions that had been pushed into my hands when I was given no option but to do this.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jack stopped like there was something he even had to stop. All he had to do was wait a bit, “hang on, we need to catch up. What have you been up to the past few years?”

I shrugged and tapped the bottom of the cards on the table to straighten them out. “The usual. Moved out here, got engaged, had a few kids, got divorced, lost custody, and now I’m here.”

“Holy shit, really?”

“No.” For some reason Jack just brought out the sarcasm in me, something that hadn’t made an appearance in a while. “Moved out here, got engaged, broke it off, and now I’m here.”

There obviously were things that happened around those events, but they were miniscule and insignificant compared to the highlights. They wouldn’t care about the boring things like when I dropped out of my course back in Maryland, intending to enroll over here, only to get distracted by other career options. They didn’t care about the things I did with my friends. It all didn’t matter.

“Oh.” Jack nodded.

“What about you guys, what have you been up to?” I returned the question politely.

“Touring,” Alex cocked his head to the side, “writing music, promoting new albums.”

“Right…” I sucked in a breath and went to sit on the couch, the four guys following me and sitting to my left and right.

I hadn’t been following them at all the past few years. After our respective graduation trips, I had seen them a few more times. Alex and I may or may not have even hooked up a couple more times. But then I got a boyfriend. We met in Baltimore, but moved to Austin together. I dropped out of my course and started something new. We got engaged, but I later ended that. There wasn’t really any time to keep up with All Time Low. My own life had been busy enough. I didn’t even know that they had released a new album on a major record label until literally the day before.

“You guys ready to start?” The cameraman asked.

I gave a simple nod and looked back down at my cards, glad to see that the introduction had been written down in notes as well. Maybe the guys thought I did interviews for a living, but I had no idea what I was doing. I had never given an interview before, I never even had any proper training in it, I never even got to watch somebody else do it.

To say it felt awkward was an understatement. I don’t know how it looked and seemed for everybody else, but I sure as hell felt like I was the worst interviewer ever. The cameraman didn’t say anything, but then again maybe it was so bad that there wasn’t even anything to say. I didn’t know shit about All Time Low. I knew about the strange 17- and 18-year-olds from four years ago. And even that felt like some strange fever dream I had had. I was going to lose my job because of this.

I powered through and the guys answered all of my questions. We only spent like twenty minutes talking to each other in front of the camera, but it felt like hours. Every part in my body did not want to be there at all. I never wanted to have a career in journalism, but here I fucking was.

When I finally got to the outro, and the cameraman signalled that we were finished, I felt nothing but relief. My hands were shaking a little and I was starting to get cold sweats. I just wanted to be at home in my bed and never think of this day again.

“Mickey,” Jack immediately said as soon as the camera was turned off, “can I have your number? We really shouldn’t lose contact again.”

I shook my head. “I don’t have a phone.”

He frowned and glanced at the iPhone I had put on the coffee table in front of us.

“That’s not mine,” I quickly added, my heart skipping more than just a beat.

But then I got a text message and my background of me with my two best friends – and only friends – lit up the screen. It sort of was my phone, but technically it wasn’t either. I was using it, yes, but I hadn’t paid for it. It wasn’t really mine. I was just borrowing it for the time being.

There were no excuses I could give.

“I, umm, I’ll be right back,” I stuttered and quickly got up.

Maybe it wasn’t the best message to send, but I picked up the phone and stuffed it in my back pocket as I left the room and went straight for the bathroom. It wasn’t that I was trying to hide and get away, but I was definitely trying to get away. I couldn’t deal with this confrontation. I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to say, I just didn’t know how to act.

I used the single stall bathroom and washed my hands. I just had to remember that they probably had a very busy day ahead of them, that they were likely to leave within minutes, and that I’d never have to see them again. There was nothing to worry about.

I sighed and forced myself to leave the bathroom. However, when I opened the door, I nearly slammed it into Alex’s forehead. To be honest, I didn’t think there would be anybody waiting on the other side. If I had known, I would have hurried up a little more.

“Sorry,” I mumbled and tried to push past him.

“You good?” He asked instead of walking into the bathroom like I was expecting.

I nodded and looked at him. “Yeah.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well, you kind of sorta stormed out after Jack asked for your number.” He pointed his thumb in the direction of the room where we did the interview.

“I don’t own this phone,” I told him again. “I don’t have a phone number.”

He inspected my face in confusion and unease. “Alright, I believe you. But you still ran out on us.”

“I just needed to go to the bathroom…”

“Okay,” he chuckled softly, accepting all my excuses.

I was telling the truth, but at the same time it felt like I was spewing lies left and right. There was no reason to lie. Other than the fact that they all seemed so happy that I wanted to interview them while that was far from the truth. I didn’t actively search out to make contact with them again.

“It was nice seeing you again,” I lied straight through my teeth as I gave him a smile.

And then the unexpected happened. I don’t know what I had done for it to happen, if I had given off certain signals, but something must have given permission. His lips were suddenly on mine and I was kissing him back. It was like muscle memory. I didn’t even try to stop him. If anything, I only pulled him closer. He led me back into the bathroom, our lips not even disconnecting for a split second. As soon as we were in far enough, he closed the door behind us and locked it. It didn’t take long for him to put me up on the sink and his hands to travel up my shirt.

My heart was beating so fast. Every second I enjoyed reminded me of a better time and it all felt so wrong. I hadn’t come out here to have sex with Alex. I didn’t even want to come out here. But it had happened yet again, just like back in Baltimore before I had gotten a boyfriend. It always led back to this.

“Fuck,” I grumbled while Alex was pulling up his jeans and I was straightening out my zip up hoodie.

His eyes fell on me as he did the button.

“This shouldn’t have happened,” I confessed before he could get a word in. “This should not have happened. I’m not– I don’t– fuck.”

“You don’t fuck?” He joked with a laugh.

But now wasn’t the time for that.

“I don’t do this anymore. I don’t sleep with random strangers.”

He looked very offended. “I’m not some random stranger.”

“Yes, you are,” I countered, the feeling of disgust working its way up my spine from between my legs. “I don’t know you anymore. You don’t know me.”

“Mickey–”

“All we know are each other’s names!”

“That’s not true.” He reached out to brush away a tear that had fallen from my eye.

I winced away before he could touch me. Instead, I quickly wiped my own cheeks and took a step away from him so he could no longer see me. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

This was so pathetic.

“I’m such an idiot,” I breathed out.

“No, you’re not, I instigated this,” Alex tried to make me feel less horrible about it all.

But I just shook my head. Yes, I was an idiot for letting this happen again, but it wasn’t why I was calling myself one. “I was so fucking naive back in high school.”

“We all were.”

“That’s not what I mean,” I sighed and ran a hand through my hair that was still brown, just not dyed, and only down to my shoulders now. “I used to love you so much back then, but I didn’t know. I only realised when I never got that same feeling again with anybody else. I was too stubborn to feel it.”

“Oh…”

“I’m sorry,” I apologised and shook my head. I shouldn’t have even mentioned it. “You didn’t need to know that. I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.” He smiled kindly as if we hadn’t just fucked each other mere minutes ago. “Kind of nice to know, really.”

“I’m sorry.” I started biting the nail on my thumb nervously. I needed apologise. “Can we just forget about all this?”

“I can’t forget,” he admitted, making my heart drop, ”but, I can act like nothing happened in front of the others.”

The chewing on my nail intensified as I nodded. I was nervous, I thought he was going to tell me that he was going to make a big deal out of it. He said he wasn’t going to, but I didn’t know. Maybe he still would once we entered the room? Who was I kidding, he probably was going to.

When the phone in my pocket started ringing, I had no choice but to say, “you go first, I’ll hang back.”

“Are you going to be okay?” He asked.

I nodded. Why wouldn’t I be okay to answer the phone? We were lucky there wasn’t anybody else present in the hallway, because I dumbly followed when he left the bathroom. That would have ruined my hope of nobody finding out. While he went down the hallway to go back to the room, I stayed where I was and hit the accept button.

“Hello?” I answered even though I knew who was calling me. Her name was on the screen for a reason.

“Hey, Mickey!” She replied with a high pitched excitement in her voice. “How did your interview go?”

“As good as I expected.” I shrugged and started pacing around.

She drew her own hopeful conclusions. “So, you made up with them all and became best friends again?”

“Sadie, as good as I expected. That would have been a worse outcome!”

“Oh, come on, you know damn well it wouldn’t.” She was one half of my best friends, but god could she be too optimistic.

Before she could try to convince me to somehow make up with them, I changed the subject. “Did you call me to ask about the interview or did you want something else?”

“Both…”

“So what else did you want?” I asked, hoping it would be something simple. Like asking me what the address of some place was or what the colour was of that one shirt I owned that she really liked. Something she could have easily texted but didn’t.

“I know it a bit last minute…” she started, already telling me it was going to be way bigger than what I wished for, “but we just got the chance to play at The Boardroom, and you know we can’t let that opportunity go.”

“No.” I shook my head before she could even ask me the question.

“Please, Mickey!” She whined back.

I couldn’t do it. “No way.”

“This will be the last time. I promise!”

I started walking down the hallway. Maybe I could cut this short by saying I had to go. “That’s what you said last time.”

She breathed out heavily, almost sounding like she was ready to stomp her foot like a toddler not getting their way. “Mickey, it’s The Boardroom! You know how big that is.”

“You already said yes, didn’t you?”

“Yeah…”

I sighed, and looked at the door where I could hear the guys talking. “Fine. But this is the last time.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” She chirped giddily and I could hear her running somewhere. The sound of wind rushing came through the speaker. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” I gave in.

“Ask your friends if they want to come as well. That would be amazing.”

“I don’t think they’ll want to. They’ve got busy schedules as it is.”

“Just ask!” She urged. While I had not kept up with Alex and the others at all, she did know their music. She wasn’t a fan, but she definitely did enjoy it. “Anyway, I gotta go. Bye!”

Before I could even say bye back, I heard dial tones. When the call officially ended, I stuffed the phone back into my back pocket and took the dreaded steps into the room again. To my surprise the guys were actually still there despite the fact that I could literally hear them. Maybe part of me was anticipating them to leave. Maybe, definitely, same thing.

“My friends are performing at a bar tonight, she wanted to know if you guys wanted to come,” I said bluntly. Even though I didn’t want to ask them, I had no idea what else to say, especially since I could feel Alex’s eyes on me. “I already told her you guys were probably busy.”

“We aren’t,” Jack returned within a second.

Zack looked at him with surprise and a hint of annoyance. I knew exactly what that look meant.

“You don’t need to come,” I quickly added, hoping that Zack could be my blessing in disguise.

“I want to come,” Jack pushed before anybody else could get a word in. I didn’t know why he wanted to so badly be around me and talk to me. “Bar and live music? Sounds like a perfect evening to me.”

I opened my mouth, fully intending to try and convince him otherwise, but that would be rude. “Fine, but you don’t all have to come. I’m sure you’d much rather do something else with your free time.”

“I’m down.” Rian shrugged.

“I’ll go wherever the alcohol is,” Zack added even though he was the one that seemed to object at first. My only hope of not having anybody come along.

And then all eyes fell on Alex. He was the only one yet to answer. Part of me wanted him to say he was busy with something else or that he had planned to have a quiet late afternoon and evening. It was unlikely, of course, with everybody already having agreed. But that wasn’t really what was concerning. Part of me wanted him to come. My heart still fluttered a little. Not like back in high school, I was head over heels back then. But this was the one guy I ever truly loved.

“I’m definitely in, you don’t need to ask me twice,” Alex said as if it was as obvious as the sky being blue.

“Right,” I nodded, unsure what to actually do now, “I’m sorry, shouldn’t have assumed. I think I have enough space in my car…”

“Yay!” Jack yelled in excitement.

Minutes later, we were all piled into my car. I helped take down all our equipment and bring it back to the camera man’s car. All his expensive stuff was 100% my responsibility. Afterall, I was just the girl who brought people coffee and set things up. Just because I got to do an interview didn’t mean I suddenly had a new position. The interview was a ‘privilege.’

Alex had claimed the passenger seat while Zack, Jack, and Rian were crammed on the backseat. Personally, I would have made Zack sit in the front. He took up quite some space now. But that wasn’t how things turned out. Alex was the first to reach the front seat and nobody complained. Maybe it was because he’d also always sit in the front back in high school. It was automatism.

“You’ve got a nice car,” Rian commented as I started the engine.

“It’s not mine,” I quickly responded, disregarding the compliment.

Jack raised an eyebrow from the middle seat, as I could see through the rear view mirror. “Like your phone also isn’t yours?”

I nodded and started reversing out of my parking spot. Yet again, I was technically borrowing it, even though this one had also sort of been a gift. I was the only one that drove it. It took me from my apartment to my work. But I hadn’t bought it and I sure as hell couldn’t afford the taxes. I could barely afford my rent, why Jack thought I was lying about owning a phone and car was beyond me.

The silence in the air told me that it wasn’t just Jack who felt that I was lying. That I was just trying to keep my life from them.

I owed an explanation. “I bring coffee to people and cut hair for a living, do you think I can afford to buy myself a fancy luxury Land Rover?”

“Coffee…” Alex squinted and shook his head. “Weren’t you majoring in math?”

“I dropped out,” I shrugged as I pulled out onto the road.

“What?”

I couldn’t help but shrug again.

“Why?!” He gasped almost as if he expected me to tell him I was just joking.

I simply claimed, “it wasn’t for me. I wasn’t smart enough.”

“Bullshit.”

I sighed softly and focused on the road. What did he want me to say? There was just one truth and that was that I wasn’t good enough for math. I knew that now. Yes, one day, many years ago, I thought I was good at it. But that was just a lie. Math wasn’t for me, I wasn’t capable enough for it. Bringing coffee and cutting hair, though? Yeah, I could do that. That fit way better with me.

“Hey, is this our CD?” Jack exclaimed before the silence got too awkward and leaned over the centre control from his seat in the middle to grab it.

I glanced at the red CD case and nodded. “Yeah. My friend gave it to me to listen to before interviewing you, but I haven’t had the chance yet.”

“Oh…”

“If you’d like you can play it now.”

“And listen to our own music?” Alex scoffed.

“Wow, so humble,” I joked, immediately regretting it.

The way he stared at me in offense, his mouth open slightly, made my heart drop. But he was just faking that he was offended. Instead he ripped the album from Jack’s hands, opened the case and forced the CD into my car’s CD player. Just seconds later, music started playing. There was some strange tension. I could tell that the guys never really listened to their own music except for playing it live. And the music… well… it was different to what I was used to. The music I promoted back in high school was a whole different thing.

“What do you think?” Rian piped up after a few songs.

“Yeah,” I nodded as if there was something to agree to.

Jack started pouting. “You don’t like it?”

“No, I do,” I quickly corrected, “I’m just processing it. I haven’t listened to this type of music in a very long time.”

Alex repeated, but in a questioning tone, “this type of music?”

“You know, anything in the rock genre.”

“What? Really? What about Weezer? They were your favourite!”

“No.” I shook my head as my hand instinctively went to the cross pendant that was hanging from the chain I was wearing around my neck. It didn’t really have anything to do with it. I didn’t think that rock music was the devil’s work. I didn’t believe in that. But… I just wasn’t the same person that they used to know.

“What do you listen to?” Alex asked.

I didn’t have an answer for that. I didn’t really listen to anything. The radio was occasionally on, but it was always just sound in the background. Music wasn’t a big part of my life anymore, even though my best friends wanted me to help them play a live show. I didn’t even play unless they really needed me to.

Luckily, it wasn’t long until we reached the bar. I parked the car as close by as I could and we were left to walk the rest of the distance. Although it was technically open already, the bar was completely empty except for the owner, a bartender, my friends, and us of course.

“Mickey! You’re here!” Sadie yelled out in excitement from the stage. She jumped down and ran towards us, her eyes glancing over the four guys I had with me. “I see Mickey managed to convince you guys to come.”

“We didn’t need much convincing,” Jack commented with a smirk.

She gave him a very quick smile back. “I’m glad you’re here. We don’t know much about the person Mickey was back in high school.”

“And you don’t want to know,” I pointed out.

“We’ll tell you stories about Mickey in high school if you tell us stories about Mickey now,” Jack offered.

“Sure, just talk about me, I don’t mind.”

“Hey, Mickey,” my other friend, Max, called out while he appeared from a door to the side that probably led to ‘back stage’, or more generally just the back of the bar. “I already set up your bass, but you might want to tune it.”

I glared at the orange bass I spotted on stage. God I hated that thing. “I’m sure it’s fine.”

He raised an eyebrow at me and walked over the stage, reaching out to grab the bass. He simply plucked all the strings. The first one didn’t sound too bad, but all the other strings didn’t even sound close to the tune they were supposed to hold. Anybody with ears could hear just how horrible it was. Zack even physically cringed at what he was hearing.

“Alright…” I sighed and left the group to tend to my bass and so also leaving Jack to shamelessly flirt with Sadie.

He could try all he wanted, but he probably wasn’t going to get anywhere. As polite as she’d stay, she usually didn’t just hook up with people. She enjoyed going out and having a fun time, but she never really got with anybody. She always claimed it was because it wasn’t her thing. I knew she was still in love with somebody else, but she’d never admit that.

I sat down on the floor as I tuned the bass. Just feeling that weight on my lap and the wood between my hands already made me feel sick. But I kept my mouth shut and continued to pluck the strings until it was tuned right.

Once I finished, everybody was still chatting to each other. And then the worst thing happened. Another person joined. Somebody who used to be my friend as well, but was now somebody I tended to avoid. She had long auburn hair and made a pit in my stomach form. Her name was Milly Powell and she had almost become my sister-in-law. But I had ended that engagement. She often played drums for Sadie’s band, but I hadn’t expected her this time.

I didn’t join the group. Instead I walked right past them and straight to the bar. On my way there, I reached into my back pocket and pulled out two twenty dollar bills. The bartender already noticed me coming up and positioned himself to get ready to take my order.

“What can I get ya?” He asked as soon as I was just a step away.

“How many shots will this get me?” I asked as I put the forty dollars on the bar.

He took a look at the money. “Depends on what you want, but I’d say quite a few for one person.”

“Alright…” I thought out loud. I didn’t want to get black out drunk before we got on stage and ruin Sadie’s night. “Let’s start with three shots of vodka, but I’ll definitely be back.”

“I can just keep the money for you and you can keep coming back until you’ve used it all up.”

“That actually sounds perfect,” I agreed.

I leaned against the bar as he took note of the money and started to make me the three shots. While I was waiting, Max decided to join me but not order anything.

“How are you doing?” He asked me with a tone that was pretty quiet and serious.

“As good as always,” I shrugged as the bartender put the three shots in front of me. I gave him a nod and immediately drank the first one.

“Really?” He smiled smugly and nudged me a little. “I know what you look like after you’ve had good sex.”

I glared at him and downed the next shot, leaving me with just one more. Did we really have to get into this? I just wanted to forget about the adomination that happened in the bathroom. I mean, yes, it was good, but it wasn’t a good thing. It was bad, real bad.

“Oh, come on,” Max sighed and turned his body so he was completely facing me. “It’s good to move on and find other people.”

“I’ve already moved on and found other people,” I countered and raised an eyebrow at him.

“You know what I mean, that doesn’t count.”

“I’d say six months does count.”

You see, Max and I were friends, yes, but our relationship was a lot more complicated than that. I met Sadie and Max when I first moved out the Texas with my ex. They were friends with his sister, Milly, so we met through her. Back then, Sadie and Max were not just friends. They were a couple and had been for a while. After some time, they moved in together, but soon after they broke up. Living together made them realise some stuff and they became best friends instead, staying roommates but they each had their own bedroom. After my ex and I broke up, Sadie and I had a little affair. It was physical over emotional. But then I started dating Max for a bit. That did have emotions attached to it. In the end, that ended as well, but we all stayed best friends and cared deeply for each other.

“Okay, well, don’t overthink it,” Max urged, feeling that I was literally doing just that.

“It was a moment of weakness, a mistake,” I told him, looking over at Alex who seemed to be having fun with his friends and Milly and Sadie. He was laughing. “Alex has and will probably always be my weakness. I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

“Right…” he sucked in a breath and nodded. “Well, you know I love you and can’t thank you enough for coming out tonight.”

He proceeded to hug me and press a kiss to the top of my head to round off our conversation. I drank my last shot and reluctantly joined the rest of the group. It was difficult joining in their conversation. I wasn’t in the right mood, I had nothing to contribute; nothing interesting to say or add. I just listened, putting on a smile to please everybody else.

As time went past, the bar started filling up more and more. There were people simply coming for a drink, people searching for live music, and there were also people specifically here to see us play. The latter group wasn’t as big as Alex, Jack, Rian, and Zack probably were used to seeing at their shows, but the small handful of people got Sadie and the others so excited. Me, though?

Well, as soon as we went up to to stage, I immediately regretted ever agreeing to doing this again. Every single time I was up there, everything felt so wrong. But I pushed through… from behind the wall. I managed to hide myself from the audience by slowly shuffling further and further into side stage. I could still see everybody, but I knew they would have to squint to see my silhouette just based on the lighting.

I really felt bad for the guys. They didn’t sign up to hear country music today. Yet I could still feel Alex’s eyes burning into me as Sadie sang, “You're always gonna fly away, just because you know you can. You're never gonna learn there's no such place as Neverland. You don't understand. You'll never grow up. You're never gonna be a man. Peter Pan.”

Something about him, what had happened between us today, the environment now, and this song made we want to run away even further. The people who came here to hear this music seemed to love it, some even singing along loudly. But that enthusiasm was foreign to me. Even the backing vocals I did didn’t seem like they were coming for me.

As soon as the last note of the evening filled the stuffy room, I couldn’t get off the stage any faster. My immediate destination was the bar to go see my trusty friend the bartender again. His lips curled up into a smile when he saw me waiting to be served.

“Back already?” He teased, taking a second from his hectic schedule.

“Already?” I challenged back, staring at him as if he had two heads. “I was stuck up there. If I had been down here, I would have been back five times by now.”

“Okay, in much need for a drink then,” he corrected himself. “What can I get you this time?”

“Your cheapest beer in your largest glass.”

“Alright…” he grabbed a glass and warned, “it’s not really good, though.”

“That’s okay.” I shrugged.

He proceeded to tap the beer, filling it up to the brim. Just seconds later, he put it in front of me. Without even thinking twice, I picked it up and started drinking it as fast as I possibly could. Luckily, he had turned around and nobody seemed to be watching me. It couldn’t have been a pretty sight with how quickly I downed that drink. I finished it before the bartender even faced me again.

He looked down at the glass and squinted at me. “Did I give you an empty glass?”

“No, and I’ll take another,” I returned and pushed the glass forward slightly.

Rather than questioning me this time, he fully accepted my request and got me yet another one of those cheap beers. As soon as he gave it to me again, I checked my surroundings. Nobody I knew was at the bar. Everybody was sitting at the table Alex and the other guys had claimed earlier before the show. I was in the clear.

Yet again, I chugged it. I couldn’t help that I was thirsty after playing a show even though all I did was hide behind the wall and pluck some strings here and there. I also needed a drink even though I wasn’t the one rocking out on the guitar, madly drumming, or singing my heart out.

Before I decided to join the others, I ordered another beer. This time, however I didn’t ask for the same one. Rather, I asked for one a bit further up in the rank of quality and price. The cheap beer was pretty bad, it wasn’t something I could casually drink. I could show up with whatever the bartender had given me this time, though, and it fit in my budget.

I’ll be honest. Although my alcohol tolerance was very high and I needed a lot to drink to feel anything, I was started to feel the three shots and two beers I had drunk in a span of just over an hour. It was quite a bit of alcohol and I had completely forgotten about my car. Still, it was nothing but just a little tipsy. Maybe all the beer would hit me later, but right now it was nothing.

“Mickey, where have you been?” Sadie asked, looking up at me with a small pout that both displayed a hint of sadness and betrayal.

“Getting this.” I made a gesture with my drink and sat down beside her.

She looked a little concerned. “Does it take that long to get a drink?”

“Or were you just chatting up the bartender?” Milly scoffed judgementally.

I stayed silent and took a sip from my drink, getting the foam on my upper lip. As I looked up, I saw Alex staring right at me. We made direct eye contact. I felt awkward, but at the same time I didn’t want to look away. I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea. For some reason Milly always thought I was out flirting with somebody, even when I was still with my ex. Well, my ex thought so too, so Milly must have heard all the ‘stories’ from him. Just looking into Alex’s eyes made it feel like I wasn’t being accused again.

He raised an eyebrow up at me as if asking me something. But I couldn’t decipher what it was. Maybe he believed Milly and was also judging me afterall.

Before I could break away from the gaze, somebody else forced me to. A body slammed into mine as they threw themselves into the seat next to mine. The impact caused some of my beer to slosh over, getting all over my hand. I quickly put the glass down on the table and wiped my mouth. I didn’t even need to see to know who it was. When their arm slung around my shoulders, there was no question that I had been correct.

“What a show!” My ex, Jake, exclaimed, practically shaking me apart.

I refused to even look in his direction even though all the All Time Low boys… men… guys… dudes (?) were giving me questioning glaces. Although I had met Jake back in Maryland, they had never met him before. I naturally started spending more time with Jake than with them and contact just died down. Now, I was in a strange limbo between three stages in my life. Across from me was Alex, to my left was Jake, and to my right was Sadie. Teenage love, broken engagement, and protective friends.

Luckily, I didn’t have to interact with Jake immediately. Max interrupted. I don’t know where he appeared from, maybe he only just left the back, maybe he came for the bathroom, but I really hoped he hadn’t been at the bar while I was there too.

“Hey,” Max nudged Jake with his knee, staring him down and waiting for him to look back, “my seat.”

“I was here first,” Jake responded.

“I think I’ve been here at least an hour longer than you.”

“Hmm… let’s ask Mickey,” Jake turned again so he was looking right at the side of my face. “You don’t mind, you do, Mickey?”

“Dude!” Max groaned. “My seat!”

“Come on,” Milly now jumped in, “let him sit, he’s my brother.”

Max glared at her. There was full malicious intent behind those eyes. He then shifted his eyes to Sadie. They shared enough looks to make clear that they were somehow secretly communicating, urging each other to do something or nothing. I had no idea what they were trying to say, but I could feel the tension. Everybody else had to feel it as well.

“Somebody can take my seat,” Alex offered and started to stand up.

“No, no, you’re good,” Max quickly waved his hand to brush it off. He continued to scowl at Jake, but he was refusing to move. “I’ll just go get a chair.”

He managed to get one from a table just a little further away. Rather than just putting it down and sitting at the end, he sat super closely to Jake and continued to stare him down. Jake, however, completely ignored him. All Max’s attempts at trying to be at at least a little intimidating were not working at all.

Jake just turned back to me, picked up my beer, and asked, “so, what are you drinking?”

His breath was hitting my cheek, getting as close to me as he would when we were still together. I felt uncomfortable, but there wasn’t anything I could do. Instead of leaving me be, which I was praying for, he brought the glass to his lips and took a big gulp without asking me for permission.

“Oh, yeah,” he nodded and licked his lips, “that’s a pretty good one.”

I agreed softly as he put it back down. Only, he didn’t put it back in front of me, he put it down in front of him. I eyed the glass longly, I had hoped to drink it pretty quickly actually, but instead it had switched owners. Once I looked back up, I made direct eye contact with Alex again. He had already been staring right at me as if investigating me. I quickly snapped my eyes away and kept my gaze directed at the brown sticky table instead.

I wasn’t listening to the conversation going on around me anymore. The heavy feeling of Jake sitting so close to me drowned out all the noise. It was like I was underwater, muffled voices and the pressure of water on top of me.

I couldn’t tell if it had been a few minutes or an entire hour, but I could suddenly feel another person’s hand slowly slip into mine. I looked to my right at Sadie, who gave me a small smile and a quick squeeze of my hand. She was just trying to be supportive and understanding. I did my best to smile back at her to show that everything was perfectly fine.

But then I looked to my left again. Jake was drinking from my beer again. His eyes were directly on where my hand was intertwined with Sadie’s. There was this emotion behind all his facial features; one that only took me a second to understand. I quickly let go of Sadie’s hand and retracted my entire arm, causing me to knock into Jake just a little since he was still hanging off me.

Everything moved in slow motion when the shockwave moved from my body all the way through his and up his arm, causing the glass at his lips to shake and some of the liquid to pour onto his shirt.

“What the fuck?!” He immediately exclaimed, holding his glass far away and assessing the damage. “Fucking hell, Mickey.”

AllI could do was stare at the wet patch. It obviously wasn’t pleasant, after all it was beer. Not only did it mean it was wet, but it also would smell horrible for the rest of the evening. Still, it was only the last bit of beer in the glass. It wasn’t that much. It wasn't an entire glass.

“Really?” He continued to grumble, putting the glass on the table. “Fucking– you’re just going to have to get me a new one.”

I opened my mouth, but had nothing to say. It was my fault. I knocked into him. The least I could do was buy him a new beer. So, up I got. I pushed past him, forcing myself between his knees and the table, and made my way back to the bar yet again that evening. I had to force myself through the crowds, but luckily I was barely noticeable so I slipped past everybody without any difficulty.

Although there were so many other people already at the bar waiting for their drinks, the bartender recognised me immediately and let me skip a few people. It wasn’t my turn immediately, so it wasn’t obvious he was favouring me, but he definitely served me way sooner than he should have.

“How many shots do I have left if I get another one of those beers?” I asked him.

“I’ll have a look,” he smiled back at me.

He made me another beer and handed me two shots of vodka. It was already more than I expected. I had only given him so much money. But then, to my surprise, two more shots appeared in front of me.

He must have noticed my confusion, because he winked and said, “they’re on the house.”

Before I could even thank him, he was off helping other customers. I was unsure if having four more shots was a smart decision or not. I already had had quite a bit of alcohol. But I also wasn’t really feeling it too much yet. However, was four shots going to be too much? Well, I said fuck it and drank them all after each other.

When I started walking back with the beer, I was finally starting to feel a little dizzy. Finally. Thank fuck.

And that’s when my thought process changed. What the fuck was I doing? Why the fuck was I entertaining my fucking ex-boyfriend– ex-fiancé.

I approached the table and put the beer in front of Jake.

“Took you long enough,” he sighed as if he had been waiting for me to serve him for days. “Did you get the same one or did you–”

I turned around and walked away before he could finish his sentence. I didn’t need to take his shit. He could go and complain to somebody else. I can’t tell you just how great it felt to walk away from him again. There was a reason why I ended things with him in the first place.

I put my short hair up in a ponytail and I continued to make my way through the crowd very easily. My next destination was the bathroom. All I needed was just a short second to myself. This bar was so busy and stuffy. But it wasn’t a smart move. As soon as I entered a cubical, I regretted just walking off like that. What had even prompted me to do that? Why did I think that was okay? I just left everybody behind!

When I left the bathroom, I immediately bumped into Jake. He was standing there in the hallway with his arms crossed, obviously waiting for me to come out. I felt so small next to him. He wasn’t even that much taller than me. Just an inch taller. Still, it felt like he towered over me, like he was more than a foot taller.

“You don’t walk away when somebody’s talking to you,” he scolded me like my parents used to do when I was a teenager.

I jerked my thumb in the direction of the bathroom. “I just needed–”

“Yeah, okay,” he breathed out loudly and nodded, “you couldn’t even wait a second for me to finish my sentence?”

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled, unable to even look in the direction of his face.

“What was that?”

I forced my eyes to fall onto him and make eye contact with him before repeating, “I’m sorry.”

He sighed softly and put his hands on my arms. “You know I just care about you, don’t you?”

I nodded. Of course I knew. He had told me over and over again. It had been ingrained into my mind.

“When you walk away like that, it gets me worried. I don’t know what’s wrong and I’m left there with my own thoughts.”

“I don’t mean to scare you,” I whispered softly.

“I know, I know.” He ran a hand through his hair to calm down from the stress. “Why don’t we just get out of here, huh? Just like old times?”

Everything inside of me was screaming no, but my mouth just wouldn’t say the word. However, my body language gave me away. My gaze subconsciously travelled towards our table and landed directly on Alex.

Jake followed it and turned to view what I was seeing. “God, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Him? You really think you’ve got another chance with him?”

I knew I could prove him wrong by admitting what had happened after the interview, but I also knew it wasn’t what that whole ordeal meant. I still wanted to defend myself, say that I wasn’t after Alex. But I didn’t get to say a word.

“Mickey, you guys dated in high school. In high school! That relationship meant nothing to him. Take it from another guy. Little high school relationships mean jack shit. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. Stop being so goddamn pathetic. Look at you, pining after some semi-famous dude with your plain brown hair and nothing-special appearance. It is not a good look on you.”

Although Alex looked back at me, I tore away my gaze.

“What the fuck was I even thinking?” Jake laughed and walked away.

I didn’t know what to do anymore. He was right. I was pretty fucking pathetic. Although I didn’t want to admit it, it was without a doubt that I was hoping something would happen, right? I couldn’t have just been okay with seeing Alex and the others at the interview and leaving it at that. I needed to take it further, didn’t I?

Fuck.

I couldn’t go back to the table. I was dizzy, I couldn’t tell what was happening around me anymore, and nobody here actually wanted me around. Sadie and Max just wanted me to play bass, they had each other, they didn’t need me. Jack was just here for the booze and the girls. Rian just needed confirmation that my life hadn’t gotten anywhere. And Alex? Well he was just here because his friends were.

I must have made my way outside somehow. Through the swarming thoughts and blurry vision, I suddenly found myself sitting on the floor and against the wall while crying my eyes out. I was simultaneously crying about everything and nothing. All I was doing was proving Jake right.

“Mickey?” a hand touched my shoulder lightly.

I was shaken out of my little cocoon and quickly started wiping my cheeks to get rid of all the tears.

“Are you okay?” the same person asked.

“I’m good,” I made out Alex’s silhouette through my dark cloud covered vision. “All good.”

“Are you sure.”

I gave a nod and shot up on my feet, shaking his hand off my shoulder. “Yeah, it’s all fine! I am good. All good. I just need to throw a little water in my face and I’ll look fine. Nobody will know. It’s all good.

“You don’t seem good,” he admitted.

“Just a little water,” I repeated, shaking my hand a little. “It will be fine!. Just a little–”

And then it happened. From one second to the next, the contents of my stomach came spewing out. Luckily, it was in the opposite direction to Alex. The mixture of alcohol and stomach acid came down all over the pavement, leaving a strong burn in the back on my throat.

“I think we need to get you home,” Alex said in a calming tone, rubbing my back softly. “Do you still have your car keys?”

I nodded and wiped my mouth, pulling the keys from my pocket and managing to slur, “I can’t drive. I shouldn’t drive!”

“Yeah, no, I agree on that, but I can,” he snatched the keys from me.

“No, you can’t,” I snorted and pulled up my nose. “Alcohol.”

“I’ve only had one beer this entire evening.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Well,” he mumbled under his breath, probably not intending me to hear, “I felt like something was gonna go wrong.”

I couldn’t recall the walk to my car at all. It was an empty gap in my memory. Maybe I threw up again, maybe all I did was sway, maybe I fell over, or maybe it looked like nothing was wrong with me. No matter what, I ended up regaining my ability to create memories when I was standing in front of my car at the passenger side’s door. I just stood there staring at the handle while he was getting in on the driver’s side.

After waiting a couple of seconds, he rolled the window down. “Are you getting in?”

I shook my head and had to take a little step so I wouldn’t fall over from my swaying. I then raised my hands high up in the sky and pointed back down at myself. “Like this?”

“Especially like that,” he laughed.

I messily brushed my hair out of my face and continued to shake my head no. “Imma walk home.”

“Don’t you think that’s a little far?”

The wind blew against my back as I shrugged.

He leaned over the console and opened the passenger door from the inside. “Come on, Mickey.”

When that door popped open, I defensively took a step back and held my arms out. “No, no, no. I know your tricks. I know your tricks! Imma walk.”

“My tricks?” He frowned back and tried his best to give the door another little push to open further. “Mickey, just get in, you’re too drunk to be out on your own. I just want to get you home safely.”

“I don’t wanna walk,” I confessed sadly.

“Exactly. It’s way too far. Come on, get in. I can help if you need help.”

“You’re going to make me walk,” I pouted. “You always make me walk.”

He sighed softly. “I’m not going to make you walk, I’d never do that. I promise.”

I doubted that was the truth. Promises were never meant to be kept unless they were small light promises that I made. But it was cold outside and my feet could barely stay in one place. I didn’t even know the route home.

So, I went against everything my heart was telling me to do and got into the car. I strapped myself in and immediately let my head rest against the refreshing window. “Please don’t make me walk.”

“I won’t.” His hand grazed mine.

I quickly retracted it and continued to watch the blurred streaks of light pass by. “You never like it when I drink, you always make me walk.”

There was a second of silence before he spoke up again. “Did I ever do that? Did I really force you to walk home? I’m so sorry if I did. That’s wrong on so many levels.”

“You’re always afraid I’ll throw up in the car.”

“Well, if you throw up now, you’ll only be hurting yourself,” he chuckled sweetly. “It’s your car. I’ll help you clean up, though, don’t worry.”

I wasn’t as afraid about walking anymore. “I’ll sleep on the couch. Drinking makes me ugly and disgusting, you shouldn’t have to sleep next to that. And I definitely don’t deserve the guest bed. I need to be punished in some way. I’ve been stupid and reckless, only seeking attention. You deserve better than that.”

“Mickey…”

I was waiting for the ‘I only do it because I love you’ or the ‘every time you drink you turn into a different person and it really hurts me, but I’m still here because I love you’ or the simple ‘I love you, but I need time to get over this.’ But it didn’t come. Things just ended after the utter of my name.

I flipped my head to look at him and suddenly noticed that we had taken a different turn than usual. “Where are we going? I thought we were going home?”

“I just hit the button that said home on the sat-nav. Was that wrong?” He said back with a little bit of panic.

I squinted to look at the bright screen. Once the map came into focus, I realised that I fucked up. I started laughing loudly. I was so fucking dumb.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, his eyes flickering quickly between me, the screen, and the road. “Do I need to change something?”

“No, it’s all good.” I stopped laughing but couldn’t help but stare contently at him. Him. Alex. A smile tingled at my lips.

When he caught me looking at him in the corner of his eye, he raised an eyebrow at me. “What?”

“You’re not Jake,” the smile was audible in my voice. “I thought you were him.”

“No, I’m definitely not Jake,” he shook his head rapidly. “I don’t really like that guy. I’m glad you ended that engagement.”

I sighed. “I’m never gonna get rid of him…”

Alex and I didn’t really share any more words after that. We drove the last ten minutes in silence. He seemed to be happy to reply to me at first, but now it had come to an end after I mentioned Jake. Maybe he was offended that I mistook him for Jake. I didn’t know why I did so. It made sense, I could remember Alex asking for my keys, but the alcohol must have taken a second punch afterwards.

When Alex parked my car in front of the apartment building and took the keys out of the ignition, I began to remember just how bad I didn’t want anybody to come into my home. It was in no state for visitors.

I hopped out of the car, feeling a lot more sober than my balance showed and clapped my hands together. “Well, thanks for bringing me home. We can call you a taxi.”

Alex snorted softly. “I’m not gonna leave until I’m sure you’re safe at home.”

“I’ve got it from here.” I tried to brush him off but tripped over my own feet when I walked over to him to get my keys back.

“I don’t think you do.” He shook his head and gently grabbed my elbow to support me.

I wanted to urge him to leave now, but I could barely stay upright. So I let him guide me inside and up the stairs. I nearly slipped down the steps multiple times, but it only brought some giggles. It was probably the most I had laughed in years. But the fun had to come to an end when we reached the door to my apartment.

I stole the keys from Alex’s hand and started to try to say my goodbyes again. “Well, thanks again… I do have it from here, though.”

“Are you sure?” He double checked.

I nodded and started to attempt unlocking my door. “Of course.”

He opened his mouth and took a second before pointing out, “you can’t even get the keys in the lock…”

“I’m fine,” I stuttered.

“Here, let me…” He took the keys from me again and pushed them into the lock before twisting them and unlocking the door.

I quickly held the door knob before he could push the door open. “Thanks!”

He squinted at me suspiciously. “I’m not leaving until I know you’re in bed safely.”

I wanted to argue, I really didn’t want him in my apartment, but I also knew that I wouldn’t win that fight. Luckily I was still too drunk to care too much. If I had been sober, I would have been mortified, literally trying anything to make sure he couldn’t come in. I probably wouldn’t have let him take me home in the first place. He knew me as the girl who could drive a manual with a broken arm.

I did the opposite of what I had been trying to do, and instead threw the door open and walked right in. My apartment was a mess. There were empty bottles of alcohol on every surface ranging from one day old to two months old. In between all those bottles were empty bottles of pills that used to contain my medication. It wasn’t necessarily disgusting. It was pretty clean except for those things. I wasn’t really home enough to make it dirty, I was always working.

“Oh…” Alex mumbled when he stepped inside, following me.

I completely ignored him and beelined it straight to my bedroom. Once I entered it, I turned around one last time and gave Alex a very sloppy night. “Well, goodnight.”

“Goodnight…” he muttered, looking around himself as he stood in the middle of my living-dining-kitchen room and scratched the back of his head.

I nearly slammed the door behind myself, mainly because I tripped over a pair of shoes I had left on the floor. I didn’t bother taking off my clothes and I let myself drop onto my unmade bed. My head had just barely hit the end of my pillow and I was in some weird position, but I fell asleep in no time.

I was out until my alarm went off at seven am. Although I had woken up in jeans and shoes, I really didn’t feel that bad. Sure, I was groggy, but that was because I had been woken up in the middle of my deep sleep. I had become immune to hangovers by now.

In my sleep, I had somehow managed to kick off my shoes and unzip my hoodie. As I got up and ran a hair through my messy hair, I took a deep breath in. I had to get ready for another day of work. I shrugged off the zip-up hoodie and pushed off my jeans before leaving my room. My intentions were to go take a shower, but I was in for a surprise.

All the bottles of alcohol had disappeared and not a single empty pill bottle was in sight. It actually looked acceptable. And there on the couch was a sleeping Alex. His head fell back over the armrest in a very uncomfortable position, his mouth open gently. I felt extremely guilty. I had made him take me home, confused him with Jake and rambled on and on, and he cleaned my entire apartment.

Even my bathroom had been cleaned.

I tiptoed around as quietly as I could. Part of me didn’t even want to turn on the shower, knowing that there was a possibility that it would wake up Alex. But I really needed that shower and had to get to work. I tried to be as quick as possible to minimise my chances of rudely awakening him.

Unfortunately, after that super short scrub and shampooing of my hair, I found myself without any clothes. I hadn’t brought any with me to the bathroom. Afterall, I wasn’t expecting somebody else to be here with me. All I could do was wrap the towel around me and hope that I could sneak back to my room, as much as I hated drawing that.

However, when I left the bathroom, Alex was already looking at me. He was still on the couch, only sitting this time and rubbing his neck uncomfortably.

“Seven a.m.?” He asked with a yawn, not even taking much notice of how I was practically naked in front of him.

“I have work…” I explained quickly, holding onto my towel for dear life as I slowly side stepped to my room.

“On a Saturday?”

I nodded, feeling very awkward.

“An entertainment news outlet makes you work weekends?” He followed up.

“No, I only work there part time,” I clarified, feeling my bedroom door behind me. “The rest of my time I work as a hairdresser. They’re open on Saturdays.”

“Oh.”

I cleared my throat and my eyes bounced around the room. “Umm, thanks for cleaning up, you really didn’t have to do that…”

“I wanted to.” He smiled.

“Well, I won’t keep you hostage. I’m sure you’ve got a lot to do, you’re allowed to leave.”

He stared at me for a second before speaking up again. “Actually, it might be nice to join you. I’ll stay out of your way, of course.”

“You want to join me while I go to work?” I frowned. It wouldn’t be a problem.

The hairdresser was a lot more relaxed than at my other job. They actually appreciated me and there was always an empty chair. But to just watch me cut hair for hours probably wasn’t exactly a fun thing to do while he was here.

He tried to convince me, “in return I’ll take you to our show tonight.”

––––

Somehow, Alex literally shadowed me the entire day. The shop was very quiet for a Saturday, so he wasn’t constantly just left to entertain himself. He even joined in in a few conversations with my regular customers. In the morning it was mainly old ladies who were practically my adopted grandmas. They absolutely loved meeting somebody from when I was a teenager. It was like they were experiencing all those years as well. As if he hadn’t been nice enough already, he also went out to buy us both lunch and brought it back when he realised my one appointment was going overtime (it was only 10 minutes over, but it was still sweet).

And in turn I went to the show with Alex. I was feeling a little light headed by the end of my work day, but I had told him I would be coming. He seemed to be excited. And, honestly, after spending a day with him in the background, I wasn’t dreading spending more time with him either. He had literally seen me throw up all the contents of my stomach and had seen my messy apartment without audibly judging me. I wasn’t too afraid anymore.

But something started going wrong.

We were just hanging out in their green room, having a couple of drinks and chatting about everything and nothing, when my heart started pounding like crazy. It was like my body was ready to fight or flight for some reason. And that’s when it hit me that in the mess of the past two days, I had never taken my medication.

The racing heart made sense. But the nausea, light head, and chills? Those didn’t really. I was fearing the worst and quickly excused myself to the bathroom. As soon as I stood up, the dizziness quadrupled and I had to do my best to act like I wasn’t just about to fall over. Once in the bathroom, I came to find that I didn’t have the medication with me. All I could do was focus on splashing cold water in my face and controlling my breathing.

But the symptoms just kept getting worse and worse.

My stomach turned and I felt so heavy. I had to sit on the ground to steady myself, praying that it would all pass.

“Mickey, you good in there?” Rian knocked carefully on the door. “You’ve been in there for a while.”

“Yeah, just give me a second,” I responded, doing my best not to give away the state I was actually in.

But composing myself wasn’t easy. There were beads of sweat on my forehead and I simultaneously felt like I needed more layers to warm myself up and strip all my clothes off to get rid of this horrid hot feeling. I tried to sit up, but instead I found myself hunched over the toilet and hurling up the contents in my stomach. Unfortunately, this wasn’t from the two beers I had.

“Mickey?!” Alex called out this time. “Everything okay?”

I wanted to reply, I really did. But instead even more bile made its way up. There was a jiggle at the door handle, but I had locked the door behind myself when I originally came in. If I knew I would have been on the floor unable to move, I never would have done that.

“Mickey?!” Somebody else shouted. But I could not get closer to the door no matter how hard I tried.

I could just barely reach out for my phone and dialed Sadie’s number. I felt so weak.

“Sadie?” I grumbled softly after she replied just after a few dial tones.

“Mickey? What’s wrong?” She asked in a hushed panicked voice.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered as tears started to fall from my eyes.

“Mickey, what’s going on?”

I shook my head, completely out of breath as there was super loud thumping at the door. “I’m so sorry. I need help.”

And right after that, I lost consciousness. The door was knocked down and people came rushing in. They were trying to help me, trying to get me to wake up. The worst part was that I eventually did awake, but I was in such a horrible state, that I couldn’t react to anybody. I was there like some ragdoll. My heart felt heavy with guilt.

Sadie and Max had tried to warn me, but I had dismissed them. I took anxiety medication to help out with my issues. They worked well at first, but they quickly became a crutch. I felt better whenever I took a pill. It started with one a day. Then I started taking a few more than the recommended dosage, whenever I felt absolutely horrible. That’s when Sadie and Max tried to intervene, but instead of getting me to stop, it only made me hide it from them.

And that’s what brought me to lying on the floor practically lifeless.

I was so lucky that my apartment was close by and Sadie happened to be in the close vicinity. It didn’t take long for her to come. Although it seemed counter intuitive, she forced two pills from my own prescription down my throat with a bit of water. It was only forced after she tried to get me to do it, but I couldn’t even get my hand to steady.

I hadn’t overdosed, I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. Accidentally quitting cold turkey hadn’t been the best move.

Literally everybody had seen me in this mortifying state. It was so embarrassing and I couldn’t stop beating myself up about it. But I had an issue, and it was the first time I was admitting it. I never even wanted to consider it at first. I was only hurting my own body by taking too much. But I was addicted. There was no more denying it. After spending all that time with Alex, I knew I needed to get my shit together. I needed to get help.

“I’m so sorry for ruining your entire night,” I apologised quietly after I finally felt good enough to function a little again, my throat hoarse and painful.

“You didn’t Mickey,” Alex gave me a lopsided smile full of sympathy. “It was still great to see you.”

I sighed, quickly glancing at Sadie who was waiting for me in the doorway. “And now I’m bailing as well.”

He shook his head. “No, you need to go out and get better first.””

“I really wish you didn’t have to see me like this. I feel horrible for putting you through this.”

“It’s okay, I’m just glad you want to get help as soon as possible.” He rubbed my arm a little in support. “As soon as you feel better and ready, you need to reach out. I still want you in my life. It will kill me not to know how you’re doing.”

“Thanks, Alex.” I leaned forward to hug him tightly.

“Don’t forget to call, I’ll be waiting for you on the other side,” he murmured once we parted ways.

I gave everybody else a simple wave before I joined Sadie and we both went to leave the venue. Sadly, I didn’t get to see their show. I was looking forward to it, actually. But I really couldn’t. Not like this, not after I had probably given them all the biggest scare of their lives. I felt so guilty. But I was on the path to making sure I was getting better.

Through Max’s contacts, I managed to find a rehab centre that would take me that evening. I wasn’t looking forward to the process, but I knew it was necessary. I couldn’t live dependent on pills and alcohol anymore. This was something I had to do.

Sadie drove me to the centre after we quickly dropped by my apartment to grab the most basic of essentials. She would come back to get me more stuff later. But now wasn’t the time for that.

“I’m so sorry, Sadie,” I apologised to her again as well.

“Don’t worry, Mickey,” she acknowledged. “Everything’s going to be okay. Max and I will be here every step of the way.”

Rather than smiling, I started frowning. Sadie seemed to notice it after briefly glancing at me when I hadn’t said anything back.

“Would you rather we give you some space?”

“No, no,” I quickly shot back, knowing I needed their support now. I had nobody else and couldn’t do this without them. “I… I just– Alex told me to contact him when I got out. I don’t have his number.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that.” Sadie put her hand comfortingly on my leg. “We’ll figure that out once we’re there. For now, you need to focus fully on yourself and your health.”

“Yeah… first myself, then Alex…”

Notes

Damn, hopefully you can tell why this took ages to write. It's the length of 5/6 normal chapters! It's 12200 words!!!!

This is the last chapter. I do have a sequel that I'm planning, but I'm going to take a little break after this epilogue just to get it all sorted out.