Life isn't a fashion statement.

Alex's POV

"So today we are going to be talking about the past and try and to pin point how your eating disorder developed." Dr Jones said and I just spun myself round on the chair.
"What's there to say Doc? I just want to go home and fuck my fiancé." I said and Dr Jones looked at me in a displease manner.
"Okay, you need to start to think about gaining weight. Because right now you are on the verge of being tube and if you aren't willing to make the progress and start gaining then I will have no choice put to kick you out of here and send you to hospital where they will force you to have the feeding tube." Dr Jones said and I just looked at him.
"They can't force me to do something I don't want to do." I said.
"They will because they will be putting your best interest first." Dr Jones said.
"Then I'll just sue them, Jack has a expensive lawyer." I said and Dr Jones frowned at me.
"You can't sue someone for saving your life." Dr Jones said and I just sighed and looked down.
"Somewhere deep down you want to get better, but your don't want to get better for yourself but you want to get better for Jack. You need to get better not just for Jack but for yourself as we'll Alex. You need to get better because you want to get better." Dr Jones said and I looked up but looked away from him.
"I want to get better, I want to get better not just for me but for Jack as well. I've tired to recover from this before but it didn't work and now look at me, I'm a walking skeleton and on a time bomb on when I'm going to fucking die." I said and looked at Dr Jones.
"I want to help you, I can see that you want to get better but there is something stopping you. So I want you to talk about your childhood." Dr Jone said and I looked down.

"What type of childhood did you have?" Dr Jones asked and I shrugged my shoulders.
"I want to say I had a lovely childhood, my parents loved me and me and my siblings got along and we was one big happy family." I said quietly.
"But it wasn't like that was it?" Dr Jones asked and I shook my head.
"I want Jack here, please I want him by my side." I said quietly and I felt my eyes tear up.
"Tell me what home was like and I'll phone Jack to come over so you can see him." Dr Jones said.
"Home was hell. My mum and dad hated me as I was the trouble maker." I said and looked up.
"Can you phone Jack now?" I asked and Dr Jones shook his head.
"More detail please." Dr Jones said.
"I don't know what to say, I don't remember my childhood. All I remember is my time on the street and even then most of it was a blur." I said and sniffed loudly.
"How come it was a blur?" Dr Jones asked.
I shook my head.
"Your going to have to tell me." Dr Jones asked.
"I don't know if you have signed the paper to say that you're not allowed to say anything which has left this room." I sniffed.
"I've signed it. Before you came me and Jack sat down and had a long talk abut you and everything I had to agree on doing before I accepted you here. Jack made sure everything you say to me is confidential and that I was not to say a word that you are here and it's the same for the girls." Dr Jones said and I nodded slightly.
"Can I check to make sure please, and can you phone Jack and ask him if he can see me or not." I said.
"I'll do that, do you want to go to your room or would you like to stay here?" Dr Jones asked and I stood up and walked towards the door.
"I'm in my room." I said quietly and walked out the room and went to my room and just hoped that I could see Jack today.

I had my back to the door and I heard someone knock on the wall, which I just ignored.
"Hey baby." I head Jack say and I rolled over and got off the bed and went over to Jack and jumped and wrapped my legs round Jack and held him close to me.
I just started to cry because as much as I never really admitted it but I really missed Jack and I have felt really lost without him by my side.
Jack stood me up and he looked at me to see there was any improvement.
I just looked at my feet as I knew I haven't gained any weight and I was pretty much days away on getting tube and because of that I felt like a let down.
"I'm sorry I'm not getting better." I blutered out and broke down into more tears and I felt Jacks arm s wrap round me and he held me close to him and he kissed the top of my head.
"It's okay, I understand it is going to take time and I would rather you took the time to get better than you not getting better at all." Jack said quietly and I shook my head and I felt Jack pick me up and we sat on my bed and Jack sat me between his legs and he kissed my cheek.
"How is it going?" Jack asked and I shook my head.
"I'm a day away of getting the tube and then probably a week before I get kicked out of here." I said quietly and held Jacks hand.
"I want to come home Jack." I sobbed and Jack kissed my cheek.
"I know you do babe, but as much as this hurts me to say this but you need to stay here and get better. I need you to get better Lex, please I can't live without you in my life. Just focus on us getting married and starting a family. Just think of our future because I know if I don't have you in my future then I might as well not be around." Jack said and I turned round and wrapped my legs round Jacks hips and kissed him which Jack returned.
"I can't lose you Lex." Jack whispered in my ear and kissed it.
"I'm trying, but everyone is talking about numbers and gaining and it's literally makes me go into panic mode." I sniffed.
"It's bad enough that it's making me not eat but I really want to self harm as well but I can't, I feel like all my coping mechanisms have gone and I don't know what to do because I've always have self harm or not eating and maybe even drugs to cope but I have nothing." I said and Jack made me look at him which was the first time since he got here that I've actually looked at him.
"You look like a ghost Lex." Jack said quietly.
I just hid my face in Jack's chest.

"You need to buck your fucking ideas up because he is literally starving himself to death." Jack said seriously.
"He's being put on the tube tomorrow, Alex has had his warnings about this but he has chosen to ignore them." Dr Jones said.
"He's being put on it now." Jack said seriously and being stubborn which made me smile a little.
"We can't do that." Dr Jones said.
"I don't give a shit. You are putting Alex on the tube now." Jack said and I just kissed his chest which made Jack run his hand down my boney back.
"Alright. But Alex still has the right to refuse the tube." Dr Jones said and I heard him walk out and Jack pushed me gently away from him which hurt for some reason.
"You are not going to refuse Alex, please don't refuse the tube." Jack said and I looked down.
"Baby look at me." Jack said with a serious tone in his voice so I looked up since in my mind Jack was going to slap me even though I knew in my heart Jack would never dream of hurting me.
"Don't look so worried, I'm not going to hurt you." Jack said softly and put his hand on my face and I moved my face more into his touch.
"I love you okay, I need you to get better because the house isn't the same without you in it and both me same Hank are missing you loads." Jack said and I nodded.
"He wants me to talk about my past and I don't know if i can do that." I said and Jack smiled at me.
"Do you want me to be with you when you talk about it?" Jack asked which I nodded to and Jack smiled and kissed me which I returned.
"Shell we get it over and done with then?" Jack asked and again I nodded and sniffed and moved away from Jack and stood up and looked at Jack who had made himself at home on my bed which made me climb back into my bed and cuddled into Jacks side and rested my head on his chest and I smiled when I heard Jack's heart beating that little bit faster.
"Quinn's and Beth's wedding is in 2 weeks and I'm going to miss it." I said sadly.
"Well if you start to gain weight and show Dr Jones you are willing to try on your recovery then I might get him to let you go to the wedding." Jack said and I looked at him with a smile but it soon left my face and Jack noticed and he wiped a stray tear away from my cheek which I didn't know had fallen.
"I could still be on the tube, I can't go to a wedding being the freak and taking the attention away from Quinn and Beth." I said with a sniff.
"I won't let that happen. But I need you to promise me that you are going to try and gain weight. The apartment is too big and quiet without you with me." Jack said quietly and I smiled sadly.
"I know you can do this Lex." Jack whispered and kissed the end of my nose which made me cuddle more into Jack's side.
"Come on ghost, let's get this heavy talking out the way." Jack said as he sat up which made me groan loudly as I was enjoying being close to Jack.
"You can have cuddles later." Jack said quietly and I smiled and we both got of the bed and went to Dr Jones office for this talk.

"Well what do you want me to say? I was a drug addict at the age of 13 and I was first raped at 13 at well and then I have no fucking clue what went on until I went home when I was 16 to find out my parents had kicked me out just a couple of hours finding out my sister had killed herself and then it was another god know how long of a massive blur and the next time I came to my sense I was in hospital with a bandage on my arm and a tube up my nose and being told I had failed to kill myself." I said and Jack looked down and I caught hold of his hand which made Jack squeeze my hand back.
"You had it rough. Have you seen your parents since then?" Dr Jones asked.
"Yeah and they told me I wasn't part of the family and I was dead to them like how my sister is 6 feet under and forgotten about." I spat and looked down trying to keep my temper under control.
"And you lived with your gay best friend?" Dr Jones asked and that got both me and Jack looking at him.
"You have something against gays?" Jack asked.
"No, no I have nothing against them, it's just part of me finding a way to help Alex and to pin point where Alex would benefit any other therapy." Dr Jones said.
"It doesn't do anything Doc." I said.
"Okay, so what does work for you?" Dr Jones asked.
"Alcohol and lots of sex." I said and Jack hit my leg which made me look at him as I rubbed my leg.
"You just need to talk about your problems and not use people to hide how you feel." Dr Jones said.
"Hide behind people!? I don't fucking hide behind people, I certainly don't use Jack." I said seriously.
"Alex has his own coping mechanisms. You should know that him not eating and self harming is his way on coping with whatever is going in my crazy mind." Jack said.
"And I need to teach Alex to find other coping mechanisms that doesn't resolve in Alex hurting himself." Dr Jones said.
"I..I..I dunno, I've been using self harm and all the wrong coping mechanisms since I was 16 and it's only gotten worse." I said and looked down.
"This question is very important Alex but I need you to answer it for me truthfully." Dr Jones said and I looked up and nodded.
"Do you feel like that if you don't get any help soon you'll try and kill yourself?" Dr Jones asked seriously and I looked at Jack and back at Dr Jones.
"Yes." I whispered and got up and walked out the room and went to sit outside.

I was sat on the floor hugging my knees and crying yet again.
I felt myself being pulled onto somebody's lap and I hid my face into their chest and I knew it was Jack.
"Me and Dr Jones have talked and he said the I can stay here tonight. He can see how much your not coping and how your feeling now has really got him worried." Jack said and moved some hair from my eyes.
"Is he going to send me away? I can't go to hospital Jack I'll die in there. Please don't let him send me to the hospital." I sobbed into Jacks chest.
"He's not going to send you away. Baby you seriously need to get better now, you have the help here please use the help and come home to me." Jack said quietly into my hair and he kissed the top of my head.
"Please stay tonight, I feel like I will something stupid if I was on my own." I sobbed and I felt Jack stand up and he carried me upstairs to my room.
"Shower?" Jack asked and I wiped my nose in the back of my hand.
"Yes." I whispered and looked at Jack who smiled at me and Jack lent down and kissed me which I returned and it turned into us making out and moving to the shower because having no door was a big problem here.
"We are going to have to be quiet." I whispered and Jack smiled and picked me up and put me on the counter in the bathroom.
"Well I can do that, you on the other hand have too much of a mouth when it comes to sex." Jack said and I smiled as I took Jack's top off and traced fingers round his chest and over his tattoo.
"I love you Lex." Jack said and I smiled at home and undone his jeans.
"I love you too." I whispered and we went over to the shower and we had sex and Jack picked me up and carried me to my room where Jack placed me onto the bed and he climbed into bed and cuddled into my back as he traced his finger up and down my arm until I fell asleep.

Notes

Pretty shit update