Don't Make This Easy, I Want You to Mean It

“Jaseyyyy,” he called, half whining and beyond drunk from a few feet away from me. I giggled, the drink I had consumed thus far already beginning to numb my lips to make me forget the numbness in my chest.
“Chaseyyyy,” I called back, throwing myself into his lap and allowing him to drape his arm lazily around my waist. His blonde hair mixed with my own as I leaned back into him, already worn out from the day I’d had, but not wanting to lag too early. I could feel the eyes of my classmates and any of mine and Alex’s acquaintances, all wondering why I was lounging all over someone who wasn’t Alex.
I hated it.
I used to go out and fling myself at any guy who took my fancy, and now suddenly it was a huge deal? Alex could go out to a party where our entire school was, hook himself up with Jodie right in front of them, and that wasn’t a huge deal. If it was as huge a deal as everyone was making out me hanging with Chase was, I would have heard about it before I got in Alex’s car this morning. I forced back a scowl, though unable to suppress the sigh that came with it.
“What’s up, cutie?” I glanced backwards to Chase, a hint of concern in his eyes, despite his drunken haze and the arrogance he exuded.
“This shit’s boring,” I replied, shrugging in an effort to appear nonchalant. I knew everyone knew there was something wrong, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit it. I still hadn’t begun to feel pain from earlier and yet I was already drinking to forget it.
“Well, it’s getting exciting. Your butt is vibrating onto my crotch.” I snorted, lifting myself up a little to pull my phone from my back pocket. Jack’s name flashed across the screen and I sighed, hitting reject. I couldn’t bear to speak to him. It had been long enough that I knew he’d either spoken to Alex, or was at the very least wondering where we were and why we hadn’t gotten home yet. Either way, I’d have to deal with his sympathy and an abundance of questions. I most certainly wasn’t going to get out of this without him demanding to know where I was and coming to get me.
I loved him, but I needed to be away from him and all my other memories of Alex right now.
The party wore on and it was now closing in on midnight. I hadn’t moved from my place on Chase’s lap except to refill my cup and his arm hadn’t moved from my waist either. He’d long since stopped his concerned (or was it pitying?) looks and simply gotten as drunk as I wanted to be and began flirting with me shamelessly. I was living out my seventeen-year-old Saturday night dreams, doing everything I’d spent the week building up to, my face telling everyone I was loving every minute.
But I just felt sick. The feel of the arm around my waist that wasn’t Alex, the attention that wasn’t from Alex, getting drunk enough to need someone to help me home and knowing that it wouldn’t happen, all because Alex had made a mistake, had ruined us. There was a dull aching in my chest, thinking about him and all the things we’d be doing if he were here with me and everything was okay, but I was simply thankful it wasn’t the pain it could be, that the alcohol was numbing it to make it bearable.
If I’d been forced to feel all the pain I should feel, I didn’t know if I’d ever be able to get out of bed again.
“Jasey!” An angry voice called over the din of people. The old acquaintances Chase and I had surrounded ourselves with echoed a taunting ‘oooh’ at the person who was calling me. I groaned, acting like a teenager being called out by her parents, which I basically was.
“Oh, look, it’s party pooper Barakat,” I called back.
“Jasey, we’ve been fucking worried sick,” Jack scowled, coming into view and glaring down at me. I rolled my eyes. He had no right to act like this was an issue for him.
“Sorry, dad. I guess I should have given you every detail of where I was at all times today, huh?”
“Don’t give me that,” he snapped back. “I’ve spoken to Alex.” The pain in my chest became more intense at his words, but I held up my façade. I wasn’t going to show anyone here that I was hurting.
“And what?” I scoffed. “Did he pout and act like I hurt his feelings or something? Boohoo. Cry me a river.”
“Can we talk like grown ups please?” He sighed, already obviously exasperated by my immaturity.
“Umm, no? So, me and Alex broke up. I don’t care. It was always going to happen. Don’t try to act like I’m a fucking child and I’m going to break down in fucking tears over that asshole.”
“Jasey-“
“No. Go home, Jack. Go back to your girlfriend who loves you and let me do me.” Jack stared at me blankly for a few seconds, unsure on how to proceed. Clearly I’d irritated him enough that he wanted to leave, but his loyalties and concern for me were making him hesitate.
“I’ll keep an eye on her, don’t worry,” Chase said from behind me. I grimaced, knowing for a fact I didn’t need him to ‘keep an eye’ on me. I had every intention of making it clear Alex and I were through by using him that night, and I’d had that intention since I’d sat down in Chase’s car.
“You call me if you need me,” Jack said, pointing at me, a cloud of annoyance still covering his eyes. I knew he felt sympathy for me somewhere inside, probably bubbling just below the surface, but he knew that I wasn’t going to be going anywhere with him tonight. I waved him off, returning to my drink and ignoring whatever look it was he threw at me before turning away. I felt a little guilty for how I’d acted, but that nagging emptiness in my chest seemed to force me into pushing him away. While I was happy to act like a cold bitch to everyone else, Jack and Marissa were my constants. My love for them literally knew no bounds and I despised arguing with them. I’d never once tried to push either of them away, not until Alex.
His name resounding in my head made me feel sick.
I threw back the rest of my drink, excusing myself from Chase, who had returned to giving me concerned looks in the middle of his conversation with everybody else. I weaved through the crowd to the almost empty kitchen, where I had hidden a bottle of vodka I’d brought with me, away from the rest of the drunken morons I was subjecting myself to.
I wasn’t nearly as impressed with this party as I was hoping to be.
“Holly.”
The bad taste in my mouth intensified, and I almost literally felt like I was going to vomit at the sound of my own name. The way he said it so softly, so lovingly, as if nothing had changed. I glanced to my left, through the opening in the wall that showed me the back of Chase’s head as he continued his conversation with the others. I returned to pouring my drink, trying to act like I hadn’t heard him.
“Holly. What the fuck are you doing?” I tried not to scoff at the accusatory tone or the absolute hypocrisy of his question. What was I doing? What had he been doing last night? I pushed back the anger, intent upon ignoring him. His hand closed around my arm, forcing me to look at him, to acknowledge him. My stomach turned looking at him, a mixture of the usual butterflies he made me feel and the nausea he currently made me feel just thinking about him. “Christ. Are you drunk?”
“No, I’m sober as a fucking nun. What do you think?” I snapped, unable to contain myself.
“Look, I know I’m an asshole, I know I fucked up, but please go home. Just let me drive you home.” I scoffed, unimpressed with his sudden concern.
Okay, so not sudden, but definitely unwanted.
“I’m fine. Chase is here. He’ll look after me.”
“Yeah, I saw that.” The glare he shot in Chase’s direction told me he’d been here longer than I’d thought, that he hadn’t sent Jack out looking for me, but had known where I was the entire time. It also told me that I’d chosen exactly the right person to piss him off with. My being here with Chase, the intentional flirtations aside, was enough to make him jealous.
“Fuck off, Alex. You don’t get to be angry right now. I get to be angry right now. I’m also beyond single, so let’s all go back 9 months and fake like we never met, okay?”
“Holly-“
“No. Just fuck off. Leave me alone. Lose my fucking number. Have fun with Jodie and forget I exist. I’m fucking begging you.”
“I didn’t mea-“
“Oh, please. You knew exactly what you were doing last night, just like I know what I’m doing tonight. Don’t give me your fucking bullshit. I don’t have time for it.” He turned away from me briefly and I noticed we had begun to draw a crowd. My flirting with Chase hadn’t gone unnoticed, so Alex showing up was feeding their appetite for gossip. I was going to come out of this one the whore, and I was more than happy about it. I didn’t intend to be here much longer anyway, so I could handle a bit of gossip mongering and bad mouthing behind my back, as long as the actual truth didn’t come out too quickly.
I mean, at all would be fine by me too, but someone (more than likely Jodie) would be telling the school about Alex’s escapades before long, so I wasn’t holding out much hope for the truth staying private.
“What? Am I drawing a crowd? Is it embarrassing you? Great, because you’ve humiliated me.”
“Just let me explain.”
“Oh, sweetie, don’t worry about it. I knew it would end this way all along. Trust me, you just did exactly what I expected you to do all along.”
“I’m not who you think I am.”
“Oh, clearly. I was actually starting to think you were a real human being, with real feelings. I must have been wrong.”
“If you were so wrong, why are you playing about like this? Why with him?” he spat. I cringed inwardly, not expecting to have hit a nerve so quickly. My brain was processing, but my mouth continued to run on.
“Because regardless of how you do or do not feel for me, you have a thing about Chase Baxter. What, did he steal your girl one time? Steal your parking spot at the mall?”
“Jasey, what’s going on?” Chase asked, stood on the other side of the low wall, looking at me through the hatch, somewhat stunned.
“Well, this is my asshole ex-boyfriend who is super hung up on you. Did you think I called you out of the blue for nothing? Cutie, you know me better than that.”
“Jesus, you really are a bitch, aren’t you?” I scoffed, rolling my eyes.
“You don’t know the half of it.” He began to scowl, somewhat mirroring Alex’s expression, though his eyes seemed much softer than Chase’s, telling me Alex still felt guilty, whatever the fuck that meant. “Well, it seems like my work here is done,” I said, forcing a sickly sweet smile onto my face and looking between the two angry boys in front of me. “I’m off. See you, um, never.” I threw back the little bit of drink I had managed to get into my glass before Alex had cornered me, pushing my way out of the house. I took a deep breath when I finally made it out of the house, allowing myself to relax a little without breaking down the way I wanted to. I spotted Jack’s car, idling in front of the house, clearly having not wanted to go home to Marissa empty handed. I rushed over to him, pulling the passenger door open, positive one of the boys would follow me before long.
“Jasey, what the fuck?” He asked, stunned as I threw myself into his car.
“Chasey got boring,” I pouted. “Take me home?”
“Are you going to talk to me about what happened?” I groaned, leaning back in the seat. I saw Alex’s head near the door of the house, knowing Jack would wait for him if he needed to.
“Okay, fine,” I sighed. “But not tonight. Tomorrow. I’m tired and I’m drunk and I can’t talk about Alex right now, alright?” He nodded, putting the car into drive.
“Deal. I’ll bring candy and we can bitch like schoolgirls.” I smiled, gratitude filling my chest.
I suppose it was a shame I didn’t intend to talk about this to anyone around here.

Notes

I'm alive!
Sorry, it's been hectic. I moved, I changed jobs, I had my dissertation for my masters. It's been crazy, but I am alive.
We have one, maybe two chapters left of this (I swear the next ones will come out quicker than this did). Any predictions?
I really hope a couple of you are still here, despite my uselessness.