Don't Make This Easy, I Want You to Mean It

“Hello?” I groaned, sleep coating my voice thickly as I pressed my phone to my ear. I didn’t know what time it was, who was calling me, nothing. I hadn’t even opened my eyes, I’d simply grabbed my phone and pressed the button to answer.
“Babe?” Alex’s voice came through the phone and I felt a smile creeping onto my face at his voice, despite how tired I was.
“Alex, hi,” I yawned, rolling onto my back and beginning to open my eyes slowly. “What time is it?”
“Like, 8, 9. I dunno.” I could see him shrugging as he tended to, his half smile pulling at one side of his lips. “I’m outside, but no one was answering.”
“You’re outside my apartment at 8am on a Saturday and you expected me to be up?” I scoffed, sitting up in preparation to let him in. “Good luck.”
“Yeah, yeah. I thought we could go out for the day.”
“I’m not going to question it, I’m just gonna let you in and hop in the shower.”
“No time. Get your cute butt into some clothes and come out. We’re going for breakfast by the river and I’m gonna let you drag me anywhere you want. No complaining.”
“What the hell did I do to deserve that?” I asked, beginning to pull outfits out of my drawers, my phone pressed between my ear and shoulder. I knew I hadn’t done anything, but Alex hadn’t surprised me like this in a while. Right now, we made our plans and stuck to them. With everything going on with the band, I didn’t really think we had much of a choice. But he had proven me wrong, once again.
“Nothing. I’ve been neglecting you the past few weeks and I figured I should make it up to you.” I felt my heart quivering ever so slightly at his words, knowing he hadn’t done a damn thing to make up to me for. We were both going out into the real world in the next few weeks and we had to accept that there were certain sacrifices we had to make for our careers. I mean, our relationship wasn’t exactly on the line here as far as I could tell.
“Okay. Give me two minutes and I’ll be right out.”
“Okay. See you soon, babe.” I smiled, putting the phone down and beginning to get ready.
As promised, I was outside within two minutes, spotting my sheepish boyfriend grinning at me from his position next to the passenger car door, a bouquet of daisies in hand.
“Seriously, what is all this in aid of?” I gasped, accepting the flowers gratefully and allowing him to pull me into a hug, kissing me swiftly as he did so.
“I just missed you,” he muttered. “You’ve been so understanding the last couple of months and I’ve just taken it for granted. You deserve to be spoiled for putting up with my ass.”
“I’m more than happy to put up with you, especially your cute little ass.”
“Good. Just some days I think you’re gonna up and leave me, and I’d deserve it.” I pulled away, eyeing him in confusion. He looked awful. He’d obviously barely slept the last few days, despite the effort he’d made with his hair this morning and he genuinely looked unhappy.
“Are you okay?” I was beginning to worry, but I didn’t know if it was just stress from everything that was happening and trying to balance school with recording, or if it was something more. I mean, either would be bad, but at least a day out enjoying himself would relieve at least a little of his stress.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” he said, forcing a smile. “Like I said, I just feel like a bit of an ass.”
“Well, you’re my ass and I’m not just going to up and leave you.”
“Promise?” I smiled at the weak glimmer of hope in his eyes, giving me hope that he wasn’t going to blow me off when I told him I loved him.
“I promise.” He pushed another kiss to my lips, this time soft and gentle rather than just quick. My knees weakened at the emotion he was conveying and it took all I had not to just let myself fall into him and stay there forever.
“Good. Because you know I’m gonna be an asshole at some point, but I’ll never deliberately hurt you. Okay?” I nodded, still a little dazed from the sweet kiss he’d just given me. “Perfect. Now get in the car, I have spoiling to do.”
I shrieked as the rain began to fall, forcing Alex and I to run toward his car.It was nearly five and our day had been all but perfect. I’d managed to convince him he didn’t need to buy me anything ridiculous, happy enough with flowers and breakfast and just seeing him for the longest I’d seen him in weeks. He had, however, managed to sneak all the coffee I could muster onto me throughout the day too, but I wasn’t complaining. We hadn’t planned on going home so early, Alex having told me that Jack was spending the day with Marissa and the pair of us wanting to both have our own space and leave them to theirs. However, when the thunder rolled in and the stores started to close, we realised we didn’t really have much of a choice but to return home. I giggled as we finally made it into his car, a small yet distant smile on his face. Whatever had been bothering him this morning didn’t seem to have disappeared, instead manifesting throughout the day in him drifting off into space when he thought I wasn’t paying attention, in him staring at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, a thoughtful look on his face. I didn’t know what was wrong, but a day alone together didn’t seem to have helped at all.
“I think you should go to ASU,” he told me, somewhat abruptly. We hadn’t broached the subject of college since Vegas, let alone my moving away. I’d still yet to send firm acceptance to either ASU or Towson, planning on seeing what Alex’s touring plans were like for the next year before making my decision. Okay, I know gambling my future on my current boyfriend’s schedule wasn’t the most healthy or independent thing to do, but fucking sue me, I loved the boy.
“What?” I was stunned. I had no idea where this had come from.
“I’ve been thinking about it. I’m gonna be away half the year, we’ll be doing another record out west soon and it’s a better school and I think we’d actually see each other more if you were out there. It’s perfect.” I smiled softly as he began to ramble out his reasoning. “We could get a little place out there, just me and you. I know you’d be lonely while I’m away, but you’ll make friends and school and it’s easier for me to talk to the label and we could get away from this stupid old place and make something of ourselves.” I pushed a kiss to his lips, cutting him off before he could continue. I felt him gripping me as I went to pull away, his lips lingering as I smiled at him and his hands on my waist as I leaned across the centre console.
“It sounds good to me. Just you and me, taking on the world. No more drama.” I felt a surge in my chest telling me now was the perfect time to just man up and tell him, to let him know I loved him and I wanted nothing more than to be just him and me, just us, forever if we could manage it. I pulled back, the butterflies stirring up a storm in my stomach, Alex reluctantly letting go of me. “Alex, I-“
“No, wait. I have something I want to say first.” I felt my stomach drop at his words, the sigh that came after them. As if he knew what I wanted to say and he wanted to stop me first. So we could be just him and me out west, but I couldn’t love him? I bit my lip, watching him, silently telling him to go on, not trusting myself to speak yet. “You know how I said I’d never deliberately hurt you?” I felt myself nodding, still gnawing at my lip, before I’d even made the conscious decision to do so. “I meant it, I did. More than anything. But that doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes that hurt you.” He sighed again, frustration seeping outward as he jammed his hand through his hair, it snagging on the knots created by the wind and rain.
I continued to watch him, fear creeping through my veins as I watched the torn look on his face. I was aching to reach out for him, to pull his hands from his hair and soothe him, but I was frozen. I needed to know what he’d done, even though it sounded like it was going to hurt.
“I mean, fuck. You know, right? Even though we don’t say it, you know it? The way it’s been since I met you, the way everything just… ugh. You do know, don’t you?”
“Know what, Alex? Come on, your scaring me.”
“That I fucking love you.” My breath caught in my throat and my heart didn’t beat for a couple of moments, before slowly restarting as he continued to glower at the rain on the windscreen. “I’m in love with you. I’ve been in love with you for months. I see you smile and I’m ecstatic. I want to do anything I can to keep you smiling. I never dreamed you’d be the girl I fell in love with, the girl I wanted to be with forever, whatever the fuck that means, but now I can’t dream of not having you. I don’t even know what that means for us, but I can’t keep myself away from you. I hear you, I see you, I fucking smell you, and everything just falls into place, you know?” I nodded slowly, knowing exactly what he meant. Everything about him made me feel like everything was right in the world, even when it wasn’t. I opened my mouth, intending to reciprocate the sentiment, as I had been planning since the night before, but he continued. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not human.
“We weren’t recording last night. We finished early. We hit up Bella’s party. I, um, I – urgh.” He glanced over at me, my mouth still hanging open slightly from trying to speak earlier, from trying to tell him I loved him, from before he started to tell me this. ‘I made a mistake’, ‘I’m only human’, these were all phrases that led to only one thing, and I didn’t want to hear it. I wanted to go back to two minutes ago and tell him I loved him before he could start telling me any of this. To beat him to it so he didn’t feel the need to tell me this. To go back to three months ago and tell him then, before any of this could have happened. “Jodie was there. I got wasted.”
“What happened?” My voice came out colder and calmer than I had expected it to. Something it me was done with his hedging already, I just wanted to hear him say it, to tell me what he’d done and tell me it straight.
“Promise you won’t leave me,” he begged. I shut my eyes, shutting out the pleading, desperate look on his face. “Remember that I love you, remember that I don’t know if I can live without you, please.”
“What. Happened.”
“I slept with her.”
Suddenly all the fear and the worry left me. My chest felt like a void. All this time I’d expected to feel some sort of physical pain, like they tell you you’re going to feel when your heart is broken. I mean, I felt something in my chest snap, but I didn’t feel any pain. I just felt nothing.
I pulled my phone from my pocket, scrolling through my contact list.
“What are you doing?”
I ignored him, pressing call on the name I wanted.
“I’m on the park on Thames. Come pick me up.” The person on the other end didn’t question me, merely telling me they’d be there in ten to get me.
“Talk to me.” I turned my head, raising an eyebrow at the boy in front of me. He looked broken, torn apart, but I felt nothing.
“What do you want me to say? Do you want me to tell you it’s all okay? That I forgive you? That we can go back to playing like we’re happy? Come on, you know me better than that.” The void in my chest was slowly filling itself with my old pride, forcing me through this conversation with the last shred of my dignity. I wouldn’t let him see what this was doing to me. I knew I was in shock, I knew I’d be crying into my pillow all night, I knew I’d never be able to look him in the eye again – but that didn’t mean he got to know that. “I’m going to go wait outside. Don’t follow me, don’t try and talk to me. I don’t care anymore, Alex.”
“Can’t we talk in a few days?” I sighed, that pleading look on his face pulling me in like I knew it would.
“I’m not saying no, but I’m also not saying yes. If I want to talk to you, I’ll call you.”
“Don’t leave me, Holly,” he whimpered. I didn’t respond, picking up my bag from the floor and getting out of the car. That was it.
I moved across the street, waiting for my ride. Alex’s car didn’t move, but he left a few minutes later, wandering into the dark park. I leaned back against the street light when he left my view, sagging a little and feeling the hurt beginning to seep in. I thought he looked broken, but I knew I was. I’d done everything for him that I’d told myself I would never do. I’d let my walls down, I’d let myself fall for him, become vulnerable, and he’d hurt me like I knew he would. I’d been warned, but I hadn’t listened. I didn’t want to be in this city anymore, I didn’t want to walk the streets I might run into him on. I wanted to leave, but I had nowhere to go.
“Hey there. Where are you going?” The boy called as he pulled his car up in front of me, rolling the window down. I smiled at the familiar face, forcing myself into looking somewhere near normal. I pulled open the passenger’s door, grateful that he had been as quick as he had promised.
“I don’t know. Somewhere that someone can ply me with copious amounts of alcohol.”
“No Alex?”
“Nope.”
“Great. I know just the place.”

Notes

I mean, we didn't think this was going to go well, did we?
Come on, we all know the song isn't exactly happy ;)

I think I've got about 3 more chapters? Max. Maybe two.
Let's see how you feel after that!

As always, feedback is beyond appreciated <3